Work Text:
( L. Snicket created a group chat)
( L. Snicket renamed Untitled Chat to The Association of Associates )
( L. Snicket added M. Mallahan , C. Knight , J. Hix , P. Bellerophon , S. Bellerophon and E. Feint to The Association Of Associates )
E. Feint: the fuck kinda name is this
L. Snicket: It’s a good one! It’s got wordplay, professionalism…
E. Feint: i can do better
( E. Feint renamed The Association of Associates to The Association of Dumb Names )
L. Snicket: How is that better?
C. Knight: good luck adding pip and squeak to a chat and expecting “professionalism”
L. Snicket: Wait, is “professionalism” a real word? I’m not sure.
P. Bellerophon: omg what are you doing
L. Snicket: What? Am I doing something wrong?
P. Bellerophon: he’s
P. Bellerophon: he’s actually using grammar
M. Mallahan: WHAT
L. Snicket: What’s wrong with using grammar?
E. Feint: NO ONE USES GRAMMAR WHILE TEXTING
E. Feint: NO ONE
J. Hix: calm down y’all you don’t have to be rude about it
S. Bellerophon: but it’s SO FUCKING WEIRD
C. Knight: squeak you’re like three why are you swearing
S. Bellerophon: IM 8
M. Mallahan: jake why r u saying yall
C. Knight: MY POINT STILL STANDS
C. Knight: AND JAKE IF YOU SAY Y’ALL ONE MORE TIME IM BARRING YOU FROM GARDEN ACCESS
J. Hix: you wouldn’t
C. Knight: i WILL
M. Mallahan: im still concerned bout lemonys grammar
M. Mallahan: OH FUCK DOES HE KNOW WHAT MEMES ARE
J. Hix: DONT SAY THE F WORD IN FRONT OF PIP AND SQUEAK
S. Bellerophon: FUCK :)
M. Mallahan: WILL WE HAVE TO INTRODUCE HIM TO MEMES
L. Snicket: Calm down, Moxie, I know what memes are.
M. Mallahan: ur perfect gramer says otherwise
L. Snicket: It’s “grammar”, not “gramer”. And of course I know memes. It’s impossible to be on the internet and not know memes.
S. Bellerophon: :) PROVE IT
E. Feint: this chat is a literal dumpster fire
L. Snicket: I’m assuming you meant “figurative”.
P. Bellerophon: OF COURSE ITS NOT A LITERAL DUMPSTER FIRE YOU DUMB FUCK I THOUGHT YOU KNEW MEMES AND SHIT
L. Snicket: I’m so sorry to do this to all of you, but…
L. Snicket: Inside you there are two wolves.
M. Mallahan: NO STOP
L. Snicket: One of them, due to your… unusual education, recoils at the idea of imperfect grammar.
P. Bellerophon: oh so it’s an Unusual Education thing
L. Snicket: The other one wants desperately to be a memelord.
L. Snicket: You are Lemony Snicket.
S. Bellerophon: man FUCK your unusual education
L. Snicket: It’s not that bad.
S. Bellerophon: but they won’t let you be a memelord
( E. Feint changed their nickname to shut up all of you )
shut up all of you: read my username pls
S. Bellerophon: :( i cant read
P. Bellerophon: yeah you can you small fucker
( P. Bellerophon changed S. Bellerophon ’s nickname to small fucker )
small fucker: :P
( small fucker changed their nickname to smol fucker )
J. Hix: i mean it’s true
J. Hix: sorry squeak
smol fucker: :)
P. Bellerophon: should I be worried
( smol fucker changed P. Bellerophon ’s nickname to slightly larger fucker )
slightly larger fucker: this was not necessary
M. Mallahan: oh r we changing nicknames now? bc I have some ideas
( M. Mallahan changed their nickname to force of courage )
slightly larger fucker: but you’re always force of courage. every. time.
force of courage: its so ppl can tell it’s me!
( force of courage changed L. Snicket ’s nickname to grammatically correct lemon )
C. Knight: wow this is a freak show i don’t respect literally any of you
shut up all of you: me 24/7
( C. Knight changed their nickname to Better Than Any Of You )
force of courage: it’s true
J. Hix: you’re right sweetheart
smol fucker: brb throwing up
smol fucker: but also yeah true
( grammatically correct lemon changed their nickname to Grammatically Correct Lemon )
Grammatically Correct Lemon: I just had to fix that. Also, you’re right, Cleo.
slightly larger fucker: DID YOU JUST
|stain’d squad!|
2:18 PM
taxi toddler #1: LEMONY SNICKET I STG
taxi toddler #1: wait he’s not here
taxi toddler #1: wait this is the staind squad chat
taxi toddler #1: SQUEAK
taxi toddler #2: >:D
Designated Mom Friend: y’all ok?
taxi toddler #1: we were driving
taxi toddler #1: and SQUEAK JUST SNATCHED MY PHONE
Designated Mom Friend: i reiterate: NO USING YOUR PHONE WHILE DRIVING
Designated Mom Friend: sorry pipsqueaks. now i must put parental controls on your phones
taxi toddler #1: NOOOOOOOO
Designated Mom Friend: screen time! only 15 mins of youtube per day!
taxi toddler #2: D: NO NO NO NO NO
sword gay: lemony snicket? hey flo wasn’t that the kid who nearly busted us for the bbbg thing?
don’t call me flo: yeah. he didn’t tho, i think he knew we would kill him if we did.
Designated Mom Friend: nah he just hates the mitchums with a burning passion
sword gay: everyone with half a braincell hates the mitchums with a burning passion
taxi toddler #2: but kevin u have 0.00001% of a braincell
sword gay: I hate them with the passion of a million supernova-ing stars
taxi toddler #1: i don’t think supernova-ing is a word
don’t call me flo: no one cares, pip
it’s an AMPHIBIAN : wait isn’t snicket the guy who thinks parcheesi is “inane”?
force of courage: he just says that bc he loses every time we play
|The Association Of Dumb Names|
2:19 PM
force of courage: WAIT SNICKET HAVE YOU WATCHED THE SONIC REAL TIME FANDUBS THOSE ARE PEAK COMEDY
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Yeah! I… may have memorized the entirety of the “Eggman Pisses On The Moon” monologue.
shut up all of you: prove it
2:21 PM
J. Hix: honestly fuck all of you
J. Hix: he was getting brunch!!
force of courage: brunch??? at two???
J. Hix: he missed breakfast
J. Hix: he was reading your texts
J. Hix: and then he cleared his throat a lil like he’s gonna go into some long speech thing so i started recording because i was Worried but also Intrigued
J. Hix: and he just… LAUNCHED into the entirety of eggman pisses on the moon it was so fucking funny
J. Hix: snicketpissesonthemoon.mp4
force of courage: OMGGGGGG @Grammatically Correct Lemon WHAT THE FUCK
Grammatically Correct Lemon: I mainly use it to annoy Theodora, to be honest.
Grammatically Correct Lemon: I’ve also got the first five minutes of the Bee Movie memorized.
J. Hix: WHAT
Grammatically Correct Lemon: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
shut up all of you: NO
J. Hix: LEMONY PLEASE STOP
force of courage: i love how none of us have watched the bee movie but the minute we hear that sentence we all go into fight or flight
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Let me finish!
shut up all of you: LEMONY CHARLES SNICKET SHUT THE FUCK UP
Grammatically Correct Lemon: How do you know my middle name? Also, Ellington, go drown yourself in a coffeepot and let me finish.
force of courage: DAMN
shut up all of you: if your gonna be that way then
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? Barry? Adam?
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Can you believe this is happening? I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's.
Grammatically Correct Lemon: And for now, we’ll end on that terrible pun.
shut up all of you: for a little bit, i thought snicket was the sane one, but now i see
shut up all of you: he’s just as crazy as the rest of us
force of courage: hey @smol fucker @slightly larger fucker snicket just quoted the first few minutes of bee movie and we’re all dead inside
J. Hix: THEYRE DRIVING
force of courage: I DONT CARE
smol fucker: WHERE IS THE BEE MOVIE CONTENT
force of courage: scroll up
Grammatically Correct Lemon: I hereby vote that Jake should be declared the Sane One. All in favor?
Better Than Any Of You: AYE
force of courage: AYE
smol fucker: FUCKIN AYE
shut up all of you: AYE
slightly larger fucker: AYEEEEE
Grammatically Correct Lemon: You all sound like Widdershins.
slightly larger fucker: who the fuk is widdershins
smol fucker: the fuck kind of name is widdershins
Grammatically Correct Lemon: He’s a… friend of mine, from back home.
force of courage: GASP
smol fucker: le gasp
shut up all of you: YOU HAVE FRIENDS OTHER THAN US????
Grammatically Correct Lemon: All seem in favor, so…
( Grammatically Correct Lemon changed J. Hix ’s nickname to the Sane One )
force of courage: all is right with the world