Work Text:
|The Association Of Dumb Names|
origaymi: ITS PRIDE MONTH
Grammatically Correct Lemon: We’re aware.
force of courage: HAPPY PRIDE MONTH FUCKERS
Better Than Any Of You: ok so all the stain’d kids are pitching in and helping with this year’s parade
Better Than Any Of You: lemony, kellar, ellington, y’all wanna join in?
shut up all of you: HELL YEAH
I DO NOT HAVE WEIRD HAIR: yes!!
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Sure. I mean, it’s not like I have anything better to do, other than, oh, you know, FIGURE OUT HOW TO STOP HANGFIRE.
Better Than Any Of You: geez
force of courage: finally lem used capslock again
Grammatically Correct Lemon: I was joking. Of course I’ll help out!
Grammatically Correct Lemon: And, Moxie, I needed to add emphasis, and this stupid app won’t let me italicize. Caps lock was the only option.
Better Than Any Of You: ok! i’ll add you three to the planning group chat
Grammatically Correct Lemon: Why does it feel like this is a contrived situation set up by a bored author so we can be in a group chat with the “Stain’d Squad” and shenanigans can happen?
the Sane One: what the fuck snicket
origaymi: why are we ignoring the fact that cleo said “y’all”
|2k1? stain’d pride planning🏳️🌈|
( the Boss added L. Snicket , K. Haines , and E. Feint )
E. Feint: ok i forgot to tell you before you added me cleo but i can help with ideas and shit but i can’t actually physically help since im in jail
E. Feint: sorry lemme introduce myself. i’m ellington and i am Big Lesbian
golden girl: wow i can’t believe you’re the epitome of ‘be gay do crimes’
sword gay: hey i thought i was the epitome of be gay do crimes
E. Feint: there can only be one
florida: come on, kevin, we all know I’M the epitome of be gay do crimes
( E. Feint changed their name to be gay do crimes )
be gay do crimes: no it’s me
florida: did you start the bbbg? I Don’t Think So
L. Snicket: Whose idea was it to name your gang the “Big Bad Brick Gang”? Also, why do you have a gang?
sword gay: bc swords are cool as fuck
florida: oh, you’re snicket, right?
florida: you thought my mom’s last name was respectable
origaymi: i mean, she is quite respectable, and her family name is too
florida: no he thought her last name was actually “respectable”. he thought her name was delphinium respectable.
L. Snicket: It was a mistake, and I’m extremely sorry.
florida: a hilarious mistake
Thursday, 2:10 PM
the Boss: finalizing the route rn! if you need any changes just holler
the Boss: route.jpg
the Sane One: can the last stop be at hungry’s? i wanna do the thing
the Boss: the thing?
the Sane One: the thing i told you about
taxi toddler #1: what’s the thing?
the Sane One: it’s a surprise
the Sane One: and lemony, if you try to use your weird sneaky spy skills to figure it out, i will never make anything free for you ever again
L. Snicket: You wouldn’t.
the Sane One: i will
L. Snicket: Looks like I have to start breaking into the lighthouse for every meal again, then.
force of courage: NO PLEASE NO
force of courage: i remember when i woke up at around midnight for a snack once
force of courage: i went downstairs
force of courage: and lemony was just sitting on the counter, eating toast, with the lights off. it was terrifying
L. Snicket: Well, Theodora’s breakfasts are more terrifying.
L. Snicket: Did I ever tell you about the cereal?
taxi toddler #2: how can cereal be terrifying
L. Snicket: Once, Theodora gave me cereal, but we had no bowls or spoons.
L. Snicket: So I was forced to pick up each individual cereal flake one by one, dip it into the milk, and then eat it.
L. Snicket: I gave up at around the sixty-ninth flake.
taxi toddler #2: 69
zoom zoom: NICE
the Sane One: lemony…
force of courage: oh no it’s The Mom Voice
taxi toddler #1: jake: “i’m not mad, i’m just disappointed”
the Sane One: lemony sixty nine cereal flakes is not enough nutrients for a good breakfast
L. Snicket: A child needs eleven servings of nutrients a day. I had sixty-nine servings.
the Sane One: A SINGLE FLAKE IS NOT A FREAKING SERVING
L. Snicket: Well, it feels like one if you have to pick it up and dip it into a carton of milk!
L. Snicket: And I came by for early lunch anyways.
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: why is everyone yelling about cereal
force of courage: hey oliver! long time no see
the Boss: scroll up
Friday, 3:25 AM
sword gay: so lil snicket lad is 100% about a cult rigt
sword gay: i mean child kidnapping? “don’t scream when we take you”? why is this song a popular nursery rhyme
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: kevin it’s three in the morning
the Boss: ughhh… the ping from the phone woke me up
zoom zoom: same
force of courage: same
L. Snicket: Same.
the Sane One: why are you doin this in this chat? its not ontopic
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: jake you literally yelled about cereal twelve hours ago
L. Snicket: What’s “lil snicket lad”?
zoom zoom: u don’t know the little snicket lad?
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: have you been living under a rock for the past ten years?
force of courage: ok people there’s only one way to teach lemony the snicket lad song
force of courage: SING ALONG TIME!
zoom zoom: moxie just send him a link to the song
force of courage: party pooper
zoom zoom: https://youtu.be/HFGaZD0xna8
sword gay: so, snicket, now that you have been enlightened
sword gay: do you agree that this song is definitely about a cult
sword gay: snicket?
sword gay: @L. Snicket where’d u go?
force of courage: he’s staring at his screen in mild shock
L. Snicket: I… I think this song’s about me.
force of courage: WHAT
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: you’re joking right?
sword gay: unlikely, but fucked up if true
L. Snicket: Come on, that’s exactly how I joined VFD.
the Boss: “joined” (read: was kidnapped as a baby into)
L. Snicket: Also, VFD is not a cult.
force of courage: lemony…
the Boss: we’ve tried to tell you multiple times
the Sane One: lemony, vfd is prob a cult
force of courage: it’s almost DEFINITELY a cult
L. Snicket: I’m not in a cult!
sword gay: idk, sounds like something someone in a cult would say
L. Snicket: Why? Why must you torment me this way?
L. Snicket: Wait…
L. Snicket: There’s a popular nursery rhyme about me?
zoom zoom: probably, i guess
L. Snicket: I didn’t think this would be my claim to fame!
force of courage: what did u think ur claim to fame would be, snicket
L. Snicket: I don’t know! Writing a bestselling novel? Getting framed for arson? Dying very gruesomely?
L. Snicket: Certainly not this!
L. Snicket: Certainly not having a nursery rhyme written about my kidnapping as a baby!
the Boss: at least he’s admitting it was a kidnapping now
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: what the absolute fuck just happened
Saturday, 5:45 PM
the Boss: the parade is tomorrow! we’re picking up oliver, marg, jackie, kevin, flo, and the cozys from wade academy at 12:30, and we’ll go until 4:30!
golden girl: man i am so jealous of you. wade sucks
florida: how did y’all even manage to sneak out
force of courage: why’d u say y’all
florida: don’t yallshame, moxie
force of courage: and we snuck out during the field trip
the Boss: here’s the route we’ll be taking! sharing this again route.jpg
the Boss: make sure to bring water, sunscreen, and snacks! it’s gonna be pretty hot out tomorrow
the Sane One: can’t wait! just wish qwerty was out of jail so he could come
be gay do crimes: don’t we all, but you can visit him when you come over and visit me!
the Sane One: just thinking about last year’s parade
the Sane One: qwerty made this big float and stacked like a hundred books so they made this big rainbow
the Sane One: it was awesome
golden girl: oh THAT float
golden girl: hold on i think i have a pic of it
golden girl: bookfloat.png
the Sane One: marg you are a lifesaver
Sunday, 4:03 PM
origaymi: figured i’d share some of my pics from today!
origaymi: [A picture of the Associates (no one so far has been able to come up with a better name so they’re stuck with that one) at the parade. Cleo has swapped her black and white striped jacket for a rainbow one. Ornette is wearing a paper flower crown in orange and pink. Lemony is swatting away Moxie’s attempted bunny ears. Ellington is absent for obvious reasons. They are all grinning. (Much later, this is the photo Lemony looks at when he feels especially homesick (if you can feel homesick for a place that isn’t home).)]
origaymi: [A selfie of most of the Associates (Ellington included) at the police station. Ellington is still wearing the orange and pink sunset dress from the day she got arrested. She has somehow acquired a marker and has written ‘be gay do crimes’ on her face.]
origaymi: [A picture of Kevin and Florence. Kevin has covered his sword in glitter. The two are wearing matching shirts. Florence’s has an arrow pointing to Kevin that reads ‘I’m With Oblivious Gay’. Kevin’s has an arrow pointing to Florence that reads ‘I’m With Useless Lesbian’.]
origaymi: [A picture of Jackie, astride their motorcycle, a non-binary pride flag tied around their neck like a cape. In the background, Lysistrata barks at the Cozy’s dog Tabitha.]
origaymi: [A picture of the Bellerophon Taxi. Balloons and ribbons have been attached to every possible surface, and while driving, it looks like a blur of rainbow. Pip and Squeak lean out of the window next to the driver’s seat, rainbow stripes painted on Squeak’s face.]
origaymi: [A picture of the parade. There are only around fifteen people present, but the angle the photo is taken at makes it look like a veritable sea of colors.]
florida: these pics are awesome how the fuck are you so good at everything it’s not fair
sword gay: my shirt has suddenly become a lot more applicable to this situation
florida: shut up kevin
the Sane One: we’re heading over to hungry’s now! be there or be square
golden girl: absolutely no one unironically says be there or be square anymore jake
L. Snicket: What does that even mean? How can someone be a square?
taxi toddler #1: what’s the huge surprise? can u tell us now?
the Sane One: hang on i’ll just go get it
golden girl: he’s bringin it out
force of courage: HE’S BRINGING IT OUT
K. Haines: IT’S??? A CAKE???
sword gay: what the fuck it’s so beautiful
L. Snicket: Why are we talking in the chat? We’re all in the same room.
florida: QUICK NETTE TAKE A PICTURE OF IT WITH UR AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHY POWERS
origaymi: HERE
origaymi: [A picture of a cake, iced white with rainbow borders. On top are around ten different pride flags, each made out of fondant. It is indeed beautiful.]
sword gay: jake’s cutting the cake now and i just have the urge to sing happy birthday
the Boss: why the fuck
the Boss: IT HAS RAINBOW LAYERS
force of courage: R A I N B O W L A Y E R S
the Sane One: each layer is a different flavor!
zoom zoom: we expected nothing less
florida: fucking superb u funky lil chef
force of courage: OH MY GOD IT TASTES SO GOOD
force of courage: OMG EVERYONE STOP TEXTING RIGHT NOW AND ENJOY THIS MASTERPIECE
L. Snicket: You’ve outdone yourself, Jake! This is probably the best cake I’ve ever had!
origaymi: same
sword gay: same
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: same
florida: same!
golden girl: SAME
the Sane One: can y’all guess the secret ingredient?
the Sane One: after recent thefts from partial foods it’s been in very high demand
the Boss: schoenberg cereal?
the Sane One: sweetheart you think everything is about schoenberg cereal
the Sane One: i’ll spare you the guessing.
the Sane One: it’s honeydew melons
L. Snicket: WHAT?
force of courage: oh wow two uses of capslock in the same week this is a record
force of courage: but also WHAT THE FUCK JAKE
sword gay: my life is a lie
L. Snicket: Jake, you’ve successfully done the impossible.
the Boss: manage to get honeydew melons after the inhumane society stole them all?
L. Snicket: That too, but mostly just managing to make honeydew melons actually taste good.
sword gay: damn right you’ve made them taste good
golden girl: this is probably the first food i’ve had in a while that isn’t laced with laudanum
the Sane One: we’ll sneak some in with you on your way back
the Sane One: we’ll also send some coffee!
be gay do crimes: i kinda want cake too
the Boss: we’ll bring some for you too ell
be gay do crimes: thanks cleo
golden girl: today was awesome
force of courage: it was great
it’s an AMPHIBIAN: yeah, rlly sad we have to go back to wade
the Boss: hopefully we’ll be able to get rid of hangfire and his crew soon, and then you don’t have to be there anymore
L. Snicket: Yeah. Soon...