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lying on his bed, salty drops sliding down his face to his ears, falling over and over, each one being a rain parade from hell.
after holding yet another sob, he erased the heavy tears coming down his face with the back of his hand, turned his wet pillow over and got up, his eyes clouded by the strong flow of emotions.
he couldn't see anything anyway, his bedroom being plunged into total darkness, but he knew the room by heart, by dint of going around in circles through it, so he walked, barefoot, towards the only window in the room and opened the curtains and shutters, trying to make as little noise as possible.
if he woke up his mother too early, he wouldn't see him tonight. she would hug him and tell him that it didn't matter, that he was still young, that it would pass, that he would meet other people as wonderful as he used to be and then she would kiss him on the forehead and go back to bed, leaving him alone again. but he didn't want her and her meaningless words. seeing him and enjoying the dark night together was all he wanted, all he craved for.
he was so young. this truth struck him, he whimpered in pain. his heart hurted so bad now. they were young, he winced painfully at the bitter taste spreading in his mouth. why them ? they could've been so happy together and forever but he was gone. very far and for eternity. he chased this too dark thought out of his mind. eternity was too long, he wanted to see him now.
then he slowly lifted the handle of the small window and pulled it. chills went through his body when the freezing wind whipped his face and his eyes became glassy and watery again because of the coolness of the night.
first he passed a leg through the window frame, then the other one and finally his whole body was standing in the old rusty stairwell of the building where he was staying. he saw the few stars lingering in the night despite the city's light pollution, the moon that seemed to constantly glare at him and the other buildings much too close to each other.
suddenly he felt too small and blamed the whole earth and even the sky. they had taken away what was dearest to him in the world and everything suddenly seemed so far and out of reach. shit, he suffocates again.
tonight i will love you one more time.
he sat down on the much too cold iron, took out a packet of cigarettes from his pyjamas pocket and his little lighter soon to be empty, as he used to do every night. and as every night he lit his first cigarette, staring into space with lost eyes and trembling hands.
he stared at the sky, cigarette in hand, smoke swirling in the air. an intense emptiness filling him and emanating from him entirely. he was calmer now.
- could you ?
- hm ?
- could you sleep without me ?
the youngest straightened up, his head resting on the breast of the black haired boy. they looked at each other for a long time before he could find an answer. eyes half closed, he had time to observe every part of his face not very symmetrical but perfect in everyway, through his eyelashes.
his eyes as black as the night, his deep look, his hollow cheeks and prominent cheekbones, his full red lips bouncing on his firm chin, his square jaw, his little nose, his rounded ebony eyebrows, his locks of black hair contrasting perfectly with the moonlight and the greyish smoke. they looked at each other over and over again, maybe for two minutes or even two hours. nothing existed anymore and they didn't care at all anyway, the night was all theirs, and the world too if they wanted to.
you know, we don't really sleep where i am but i always thought of you, i never really forgot you, actually. so no, there is not an evening, a night when i could rest and stop thinking about you, your body, your voice, your eyes, your smile, the way you look at me every time like if it was the last time you had the chance to see me or the way you put your hair behind your right ear when you smoke, for fear of impregnating it by the smell of your cigarettes even though you always smelt that strong smell anyway so it always made me laugh stupidly, or the way you looked at me that day, already knowing that it would be more complicated than we thought to love eachother like everyone else do. since i had been snatched from you that night, i haven't stopped thinking that despite the infinite distance and time that separate us, i will never change my mind. it will always be you and i will die for you again if i had to. i know you hate wanting me and i hate to see you cry because of me but i will always be near you and don't even doubt that you can trust me, i will never really leave so you can continue to live. we will continue together.
- no, i couldn't. you ?
he stared at the youngest, trying to find the right words to express everything he was feeling, being afraid of not saying enough or saying way too much. he was afraid that if he made the slightest false move or if he expressed too many words, the person he had took so long to find would escape, that they would slip between his fingers.
i try to find the right words to tell you what i really think but i know that you already know it all, i see it in your eyes. i gave myself to you body and soul and i can't get away from you anymore, i just can't pretend that i never met you, that you were just an insignificant stranger to me because you're part of my whole life now, every time i close my eyes it's to see your beautiful smile, your mischievous look, the way your body mixed too well with mine and a lot of memories too dangerous for my well being. tonight i'm going to let you read my mind, so that you would know how much i love you because trying to tell you otherwise would be lying to you and it's hard for me to express all my mixed thoughts. tonight let me tell you the truth, the whole truth. i hate wanting you so much, it's unfair, i hate crying for you, being afraid of the night and no longer living during the day because i keep staring at the sky to watch for nightfall so i can find myself in your arms. i always have this anguish that you wouldn't come back and each evening, a knot in my stomach, i light my fucking lighter praying all the gods to see you again, maybe for the last time. fuck, i hate crying and feeling weak because you were so strong and brave. i know that it is only a phase and that one day maybe we will be able to meet and dance under the rays of the moon until i don't know when. i won't be able to endure this pain forever and i know i won't find anyone better than you used to be, a person who suits me as well as you used to do but i don't blame you, it's not your fault and i know that you will always watch on me, from where you are. at first i was terribly mad because everything seemed the same as before, except you. you weren't there anymore and i tried to do all the things we used to do together. i listened to our music for hours, i laid in my bed in total darkness and i watched television, zapping the programs without real interest as we used to do, hoping that maybe i would feel better but your side of the bed was cold and empty. if only a tiny part of you was returned to me, i might feel less useless.
- me neither. but i think it will be easier from now on.
- so we stay together forever now?
- we don't separate anymore. please.
then donghyuck began to stare at an invisible point in front of him again, placing his head comfortably on mark's chest who placed a soft kiss on the youngest's brown hair before continuing to look at the sky, placing one of his locks behind his ear before smoking his cigarette, a large cloud of smoke rising above them, permeating their bodies.
mark had been feeling empty for a long time, but with donghyuck he felt like something, a change. hope maybe. he shrugged, he didn't know what it was but he liked to feel it and feel the weight of donghyuck on his chest. frankly, mark didn't know much but he would learn, over time, from donghyuck. because it was comfortable for him to know that the youngest was changing something in himself.
all these little things, he could explore them during the night. so each day he sank more and more into the nothingness but each evening when donghyuck emanated from the smoke of his cigarettes and he came to rest quietly, always on his chest, he took advantage of it as much as possible. sometimes in complete silence, sometimes chatting for hours or rediscovering each other under the soft moonlight. then he would go back to bed at dawn with the familiar and constant weight pounding on his chest.