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The crunch of Dean’s boots on the dry, scratchy undergrowth of Purgatory’s endless forest had him gritting his teeth. It pierced through the otherwise silent landscape, acting like a beacon to every monster around that dinner was being served. He and Cas had been walking silently for about an hour. Neither had said a word since coming through the portal.
Dean glanced over at his stoic companion. Cas’s expression was firm. His eyes scanning their surroundings, constantly looking for signs of danger. His lips pulled into a grim line of determination. He gripped his blade tightly in his hand and made for an intimidating sight. Cas caught him looking, and they made eye contact for the first time. Dean’s heart skipped a beat in that foolish way that he so often admonished himself for. Cas broke the gaze quickly and sighed.
“You need to watch your steps, Dean. Don’t let your guard down.”
Mildly affronted, and irritated at being caught looking, Dean snapped.
“Maybe you should stop walking so loudly. You’re making enough racket to guide all the monsters right to us!”
Cas rolled his eyes and refused to answer, which only made Dean angrier. His irritation was short-lived, though, when they both heard shuffling over to their left.
In perfect sync Dean and Cas swung around and held up their weapons. Cas flipping his blade impressively whilst Dean gripped his machete.
“Well don’t you both make a pretty sight.”
The familiar voice filled Dean with relief and joy.
“Benny!” He laughed as the vampire emerged from the darkness of the forest. He saw Castiel relax slightly in his peripheral vision but not lower his blade.
“Dean.” Benny chuckled and held out his arms to wrap Dean in a tight hug. “It’s good to see you, brother.”
“It’s great to see you too man,” Dean responded brightly.
Castiel stepped forward and nodded politely at the vampire. Benny grinned and clapped Cas on the shoulder.
“So I’m gonna take a wild guess and say you ain’t on vacation? What world-ending disaster has brought you both back to Purgatory?”
Dean chuckled and slapped an arm around Benny’s shoulders. “You wouldn’t believe it if we told you. How did you find us?”
“What you think you’re discreet? The minute you both stepped through that shiny gold portal I could smell you on the other side of the forest!”
“Gee, way to make a guy feel good about himself!”
Dean’s mood had brightened considerably at Benny’s appearance. He walked ahead, catching Benny up on the situation. Cas followed them, remaining quiet and contemplative.
…
Benny knew where the leviathan blossoms grew and was able to guide Dean and Cas to the site without too much trouble from other monsters. They only encountered danger twice on the journey there. Once against a small pack of vamps that were easily taken out, and once against an eldritch nightmare with horrifying barbed tentacles that put Dean off his more exotic pornography collection for life. Luckily Castiel was able to quickly render it incapacitated and they all made a swift escape.
Castiel barely said 5 words the entire journey.
About 3 hours into the trek, Benny pulled Dean aside. Castiel was walking ahead out of earshot, and Dean knew what was coming before Benny had even opened his mouth.
“I know what you’re gonna say. Don’t say it.”
Benny raised his eyebrows.
“I might have missed a lot spending my afterlife in this forest brother, but I know when something ain’t right. Whatever is going on between you two, you need to fix it.”
Dean sighed. “Yeah yeah. Trust me, you’re not the first person we’ve met recently to say the same thing. Even the Queen of Hell wants to meddle in our ‘relationship’.”
“Well I don’t know nothing about no Queen of Hell, but Dean, I ain’t forgotten how hung up on him you were last time. The angel is special to you. So whatever you’ve got going on, you gotta sort it out. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
Benny clapped him on the back and picked up his pace. Guess that conversation was over then. Dean scrubbed a hand over his face. He had been trying to build up the courage to talk to Cas about the whole thing for days now, but no time ever seemed good enough, and Cas was always so damn pissed at him.
Benny had caught up to his disgruntled angel, and they were clearly talking about Dean. Cas’s posture was tense, and he was shaking his head. Dean’s heart sank at the thought that he might be telling Benny what Dean feared most, that Dean had pushed him away for good.
…
Dean hoped they would find this damn flower soon. Time was steadily ticking away, and they still had to make the journey back to the portal. Luckily, they didn’t encounter any further Purgatory residents on the journey, and even though it remained tense between him and Cas, Dean was glad for the peace.
“We’re nearly there brother. Just up ahead. You hear the river?” Benny pointed towards a lighter area through the trees, and Dean listened to the sound of rushing water ahead of him. He nodded and looked at Cas to flash a grin. They were so close now. Cas didn’t return his smile and looked away to continue his trek towards the river bank.
Dean’s face fell as he watched Cas go. Rowena and Benny were right. He had to fix this. With a final glance at Benny, he followed Cas towards the river.
As the trees thinned out, Dean saw the rushing water and the open rocky banks. If this place existed on Earth, it might have been beautiful. Even in Purgatory’s muted grey tones and atmosphere of constant danger, Dean felt at home here. It was pure.
Cas stood by the bank surrounded by the natural beauty and peace that this strange place brought them. Dean had an eerie sense of déjà vu about it. Cas knelt down to dip his hands into the cool water and splash his face, and Dean was overcome with emotion. Seven years had passed since he last stood in a place like this, watching Cas by a riverbank in monster heaven and wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and hold on tight. Seven years and that feeling was just as strong now as it was back then. Dean could forget everything that had happened in the years since, he could push aside his anger, his fear, his troubles. He was done being mad. He just wanted Cas back, wanted him by his side again in whatever way Cas would allow. He was going to fix this if it killed him.
“Cas?” Dean called out, approaching the angel slowly. Cas stood up and turned towards him, holding a strange-looking flower.
“Here,” he said, passing it to Dean. “The leviathan blossom.”
Dean reached out slowly and took the flower. His fingers brushed against Cas’, and he drew in a breath at the tension of the moment. Cas still refused to meet his eye and withdrew his hand quickly. Dean swallowed and tried to ignore his ridiculous thumping heartbeat and the hurt he felt at Cas’ continued coldness towards him.
“Thanks,” he mumbled as he looked down at the flower. “But you should keep hold of this. I trust you to look after it more than me.” He hesitantly reached out and put a hand on Cas’s shoulder and watched as Cas paused and looked at him suspiciously.
“Alright,” Cas said. He took the flower and put it in a small satchel he had been carrying. It was full of Dean’s things anyway. Water, some snacks, a few knives. He started to head back towards the tree line where Benny was lingering, but Dean caught his arm.
“Cas… can we talk?”
Cas looked at Dean’s hand gripping him and sighed. “We don’t have time for this Dean. We are hours away from the portal and need to get back before it closes.”
“I know. I know we don’t, but we can’t keep going on like this without talking.”
Cas looked at him coldly. “I’m so sorry I’m not a witty conversationalist. I had hoped Benny’s presence might provide you that form of entertainment.” Dean’s eyes widened in surprise and hurt.
“That’s not what I meant!” He snapped. “First Rowena, now even Benny has picked up on it. We have to stow our crap and work together. Get back to the way things used to be. If I can put all that crap behind us, why can’t you?”
Dean knew immediately that he had said the wrong thing. Cas’s whole demeanour changed. It wasn’t just cold, it was pure rage bubbling beneath the surface. Dean took a step back in anticipation.
“If you honestly think that things will ever be the way they were again just by you demanding my obedience…” Cas growled. “You hurtful, ignorant, stubborn, infuriating ass... If you had ANY IDEA how much I…”
Cas stopped himself. His shoulders drooped and he shook his head. “We’re done here Dean.”
Castiel turned and headed off again at a quick pace. Dean’s heart pounded and his frustration boiled inside him. That wasn’t how this was supposed to go at all. He couldn’t get his words right. He could never get his words right. Feeling dejected and angry, and resenting Cas for not giving him a chance to explain, Dean swung his fist at the nearest tree, grazing his knuckles and causing his hand to throb.
…
The journey back towards the portal was even tenser than the journey there. Benny acted as a buffer between Dean and Cas, trying to start a light-hearted conversation where he could. Castiel wouldn’t even look at Dean, and Dean’s anger and frustration only grew as the hours ticked by.
When the portal’s glow was shining through the tree line, Dean felt relief that this trip was nearly over. He would get another chance to sort things with Cas properly once they had both had time to cool down. He was thankful that this journey had practically gone off without a hitch, and without a single leviathan sighting.
As soon as the thought had crossed his mind, a sharp blow hit the side of his face, and he fell to the ground. The leviathans had found them, and one was currently trying to bite his head off. Dean quickly overpowered the creature and decapitated it with a swing of his blade. He scrambled to his feet to see Cas and Benny both fighting off their own foes.
“RUN!” Dean yelled as he headed off towards the clearing where the portal waited for them. He could see several more leviathans appearing in his peripheral vision and had to pause several times to fight another off.
They made it to the clearing only to find themselves surrounded. Dean, Cas, and Benny stood back to back, each holding up their weapons and sizing up the many leviathans that now had them heavily outnumbered. The portal was barely 20 feet away, but it was blocked by the monstrous pack.
“What the hell do we do now?” Dean asked.
“There’s too many of them! You’ll never make it to the portal in time!” Benny answered unhelpfully.
“We need a distraction, something to clear a path.” Dean looked around but couldn’t see any way out of this mess. “Cas, you got any bright ideas, or you just gonna stand there looking pretty?” Dean snapped.
Castiel turned to glare at him and, Dean immediately regretted his harsh tone. In his fear and anger, he was still taking it out on the one person who deserved it least. He tried to backtrack, but Cas spoke first.
“As a matter of fact Dean, yes. I do. Perhaps now I can finally be of use to you.” His words stung, and Dean’s face dropped, his heart jumping into his throat.
“Cas – I didn’t mean…”
“Here.” Cas thrust the bag containing the leviathan blossoms into Dean’s hands. Leaving no room for argument. “Get to the portal. It’s me they want. Go home. Stop Chuck.” Cas’ voice was harsh and cold. He glared at Dean, but through the anger, Dean could see the regret in his eyes. It suddenly dawned on Dean just what he was planning.
“No! Cas wait!” But Cas had already turned away. He held out his hand and closed his eyes, summoning his grace with all his strength. Dean had to shield his eyes as the bright white light of Cas’ grace lit up the clearing, sending a powerful pulse straight at the approaching leviathans. It obliterated most of them, leaving the rest knocked to the ground.
When the light finally dimmed, Cas was gasping for breath and swaying on the spot. If what Cas had told him previously was correct, then he was now practically powerless. Dean glanced back at Benny who had just managed to shield his eyes in time.
“Dean…” Benny warned. “Not that I’m not grateful to feathers, but that didn’t get all of them, look.”
Dean glanced around at the leviathans who hadn’t been destroyed by Cas’s grace. They were quickly coming around and getting to their feet. Beyond them more eyes appeared in the dark of the forest, more of Purgatory's monsters had come to join the fight.
Dean’s eyes widened in horror. He ran over to Cas and grabbed his shoulders, supporting him. Cas pushed him back.
“You need to go.” He demanded. Dean shook his head.
“WE need to go Cas.”
Cas looked around at the approaching monsters and huffed a laugh.
“It’s ironic isn’t it? That after everything, it would all end here.”
Dean furrowed his brow and Cas explained.
“When we were here before, Dean. You fought to save me, and I didn’t want to be saved. It’s funny how things change.”
The leviathans had crept beyond the tree line now. Benny looked on nervously but Dean couldn’t focus on anything but Cas. Cas’ expression was calm and it chilled Dean to his core.
“Do you know what my biggest regret is?” Cas said sadly. He looked up at Dean, blue eyes piercing into his soul. “My biggest regret is letting you down.”
Dean felt the breath leave his lungs. Cas turned away, unable to look at Dean for more than a moment.
“You haven’t prayed to me in so long. I lost your trust, I lost your faith. Any love you once had for me is gone.”
Each word settled in Dean’s heart like a knife. It was all wrong. How could Cas think this? How could he have been so stupid to let Cas believe ANY of this?
“No…” He breathed, feeling his eyes stinging as Cas turned back to face the hoards of leviathans and other monsters that crept ever closer.
“I’m not doing this for you Dean. I’m doing it because you have a chance to stop Chuck.”
At that moment, a silence settled over them. Even the leviathans seemed to pause and listen to what Castiel had to say. Dean held his breath. He wasn’t sure his heart could take much more. Cas’s face was sad, his eyes full of sorrow.
“I’m already dead to you.” He practically whispered the words, voice breaking as he spoke. Dean clenched his jaw. His own poisonous words from that terrible day vibrating in his head.
“This I do for me. Because I am done... I can’t look at your face and see your anger and disappointment anymore... It hurts too much.”
Cas finally looked up again, and Dean saw him visibly force his face back to stoic indifference, but the truth, the weight of the words was already clear. Dean had broken Castiel’s heart too many times, and now Cas was returning the favour without even realising.
“I told you once that I loved you…That will always be true.”
Castiel paused and looked up at the endless grey sky. A small, sad smile on his face. He looked at Dean one last time, and Dean knew that he had lost him for good. The look shattered Dean’s heart and filled his veins with ice as all the years of pain and regret showed on Cas’ face.
“Goodbye Dean.”
It seemed to happen in slow motion. Dean could do nothing but watch in horror as Castiel turned away and walked up to the leviathans. Holding his angel blade high.
“That’s right you sons of bitches.” He yelled at the ravenous creatures. “You’ve had your show, now come and get me!”
Dean’s heart was pounding in his chest. He felt like he was moments away from a full-on panic attack. He gulped in a breath and moved to follow Cas, but Benny pulled him back.
“Benny! Let me go! I need to stop this! CAS! Cas, you’re wrong! CAS PLEASE STOP!” But it was too late. The leviathans had moved to surround the angel, leaving Dean and Benny’s path free to get to the portal.
“Dean! You have to go NOW!” Benny yelled at him.
Dean fought to get back to Cas, but Benny was too strong. The portal pulsed, the indicator that time was running out. The leviathans pounced on their target, overpowering Castiel even though he was clearly putting up a decent fight. Dean stared in horror as one managed to bite into Cas’ shoulder, ripping through his trench coat and drenching it with blood.
“CAS!” Dean screamed. “CAS NO! COME BACK!” He couldn’t even see the angel now through the crowd of monsters that had jumped him. He turned to Benny, who was stricken with terror. “Benny please! I have to tell him. I can’t lose him again. Not like this… not like this…”
Dean was shaking as tears were falling down his cheeks. He couldn’t even care that Benny had seen all this… that Benny knew . Benny pulled him towards the portal, forcing Dean to look away from the horrific feast.
“You have to go Dean, you have no more time. He’s already gone.”
Dean shook his head.
“I can’t Benny… I… I love him…”
It was the first time he had ever said the words out loud, and it stung more than anything else he had witnessed today.
Benny’s face was full of sympathy. “I know Dean. But love doesn’t bring people back from the dead.”
They both turned back to see the leviathans now shredding the bloody trench coat. Leviathans didn’t leave remains, even angels couldn’t fight off that many. Dean’s whole world had turned upside down. Cas was gone. He was dead.
Benny managed to hold Dean up just in time before his legs gave way. The tears were streaming fully, and Benny pulled him into a tight hug.
“I’m sorry brother. I’m so sorry. But you HAVE to go NOW.”
Dean gasped a breath into Benny’s shoulder and managed to stand upright.
“What about you?” he asked.
Benny smiled sadly.
“I like a fight. Besides, if they get me I’ll just reappear in some other part of the forest. Monster heaven remember? Hell, I’ve already been ripped to shreds enough times to know that’s the case now. Sadly I don’t think the same can be said for your angel.”
Dean swallowed down the pain and took one last look at the space where Cas had fought. Most of the leviathans had run off into the forest, content with getting revenge on the angel that once trapped them. The few that remained had finally noticed him and Benny and were eyeing up their next meal already.
Dean wiped his eyes and clapped Benny on the shoulder.
“Go. Run.”
“Goodbye Brother.”
Dean reached out to touch the portal. With a flash, he was back in the bunker, the door to Purgatory once again sealed shut.
He dropped to his knees and sobbed.
TO BE CONTINUED...