Work Text:
--Chapter the One--
And so, we begin, this tale of gay skaters who don’t know they’re gay but at least one of them kinda does then the other is too busy with AnxIetY^139 to really concentrate on the butt sculpted from a hentai artist’s rendition of Michelangelo’s DavidPro Buttockian Masterpiece.
You would think that gay panic would exclusively engulf the one with anxiety but you weREN’T MCREAKING LISTENING WHEN I TOLD U THE ANXIETY WAS AT POWER TO ONE HUNDRED THIRTY N I N E did u know that if u divide that number by 4, it probably has decimals but I ainnabjutta pull up the calculator app to find out so of course, gay panic must manifest, in the opposing force = Calm One. “Calm” one. “”.
Joseph is str8 up in Swarovski shopping for skates bc he’s a rich moron. The harder the skates, the more durable amirite. So let’s get some diamonmds up in th iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Size 11 European 58 cm nonsense. Shoes the size of my torso? More common than you think. Jojo’s lookin for his clown shoes and gets some decked out knife shoes bc ppl will do anything if u pay them enough and JJ’s got more than eno9ugh currency to break the rules. O
Hol up, I am this tempted to write JJ instead of Jojo bc it speeds up my word birthing but I am currently incompatible with that cocky canadian boi atm and so I will for now undertake the grievous takekstask of wyponig an entireJoooJo.
So joOOoOOjo (quoth – the dio - ) reads the news for several hours lookin for a hot lead into where new age nazis might be setting up their HQ. He pokes a link (pokes, bc Iron Man level smart phone holographic tech is at his fingies) on an interracial couple saving a bunch of dogs from a house fire and bING O FIRST COMMENT: hi I’m a racist douche with a very cold head and I seek to confer with like-minded brethren (no grils allowed lmao) 2nite at the ol’ Electric Farm gate square. Jooj rolls up to the predestined meeting place under cover of night, with the garden hose he dragged all the way from home (bruh. Long hose = long estate = gardens for EVER) n he flooded the whole zone and turned it into a skating rink in the middle of September bc hecc u nazis
not on my turfz
n he goes skatin.
Cae shows up that very same night a nd seese jojo just skatin across his bara-made rink, by himself, lit by the various disco balls that jojo ransacked the dollar store for so he could rly get into the groove. Can’t skateunless ur surrounded by a perfect rectangular perimeter of shiny rainbow balls. Cae is like YO WADDUP COMIN IN HOT and slides directly toward Jojo in his skates that are ETERNALLY on (I live, I breathe, I walk, Skate, because Maestra will debone me like a trout if she sees me wearing civilian foot sleeves).
And Jojo’s like
Holy shiba
Wat is my lifetime treasured most ambiguously bisexual and weirdly buff Star Skater doin on MY hose rink in mY town in THIS part of the European continent at this hour omg he’s feets touchin me ice
And C is supes casual but a little grump bc “every other rink in the world is full of nazis , like, u would n’t bELIEVE.” And jojo’s LORG puppy eyes sparkle bc -legasp- I also hate rinks full of nazis
So They Go Skatin.
--Chapitre doo--
C’s bein a smooth criminal and closing one eye selectively in a peculiar socially established custom of expressing romantular intent, soooooooo Jojo takes him back to his place. Just to stay the night. Bc this is the only town safe from nazis rn we guess.
EL MOMENTO THAT C WALKS INTO J’S ROOM, the walls. Bo I, the walls. Every part of the 5 walls (ceiling is a wall, fighgt me) was covered in printouts of Caesarino’s beautiful face, grifted from tabloid/news/sports/mrm/wiki/every corner of the dark web, mashed together ranging in pixel sizes 3x3-88000x53000, and also some red string that looked suspiciously like fresh entrails connecting some of the pictures of Caesar photo’d with other people across the room. Every other person picture that managed to squeeze thru the CC[Caesar Collage] had their eyes and mouths scratched out.
“shit.” Joseph spills out the moment he flicks the light on in his room. Honestly, the power of the human mind is amazing. The things you forget exist all over your room when you wake up in it every day.
“bro, I ain’t into yanderes.” C looks thoroughly unimpressed but not terrified bc nobody can outpace him in his Land Skates h5000s.
THEN, I turned back the clock and erased this timeline bc YANDERES AINTNT HOT and I do not STAND FOR THIS weird toxic romanticization of ppl who need to chill out and stop Intenseing over 1 measly person like, Go Poly; Stop Serial Killing. The olypmic motto of 2019. So anyway here’s how things r gonna happen instead bc ///Only my brand of trash allowed/// </B>
Joseph flicks on the light in his room and the two are greeted by a very normal, kinda messy, but otherwise non-yandere room. The only pic Jojo has of Cae is as his phone home screen. Not his lock screen, an uncontrollable rogue agent of privacy-destruction that lights up at the slightest notification, but his home screen- a trusted confidante only visible to Jojo’s eyes past the facial recognition and thumbprint securiware. We are in the digital age.
C’s tryna sleep (like,e literally sleep ok, no one wants to skate from Italy 2 the united states of englanderica and do butt stuff with a size XXXXXXXXL in the same day) w Jojo bc who dis stupid nazi-icing rich boy with abs of metallica I bet u radiate heat and I am just cold. Jo’s a Big Dumb who’s blinded by the glittery facebook animated emojis in his eyes, so he’s like, no, u pls, I can take the floor
I’m just sayin bruh ur estate is huge and u have 5000 guest rooms but I guess it’s fanficplot so they gotta stay in the same room what a couple of suckers
C’s like no u don’t understand I’m trying 2 be gay with u
J just starts stripping and is like lol bro ur so funny u must be tired from all those times u put ur hands on my waist while we were skating, go ahead and take my comfy comfy spacious bed built for 3 and a half Jojos
And Caesar begins his lifetime hobby of screaming internally in Select Language: >Frustgayted once Jojo pushes C onto the bed then promptly retreats into a caterpillar cocoon inside his closet
-CHOP THREE-
Caesar rolls up into the kitchen in his sleep-skates and sees a 7-feet tall bucket of fried chicken in the middle of the flo’.
Jojo pops his head from the top of the bucket with half a chicken carcass stuffed into his mouf. “GOOD MORNING WANT SOME BREKKIE” he inquires very classily from the depths of his chicken armour.
“You eat like this every day???????????” C hand gestures in vague offended Italian at the direction of the deep fried atrocity, but Jojo does not speak Offended Italian Hand.
Jojo is swimmin in crunchy carnivorous goodness and tbh I don;’t know how he’s not just inflating like those deviantArt niche forums (fora?) bc dis mans should not be able to intake a7-foot tall lorge circumferential-of-this-calibre BUCKET OF MEAT while keeping his skin intact so. Let’s call it gay magic.
Caesar disregards all propriety for gay magic and kicks over the bucket. He fatshames the heckn out of Jojo who spins around on his billion-monie diamond skates wasting his potential and perpetuating unfunny American stereotypes bc obesity is not a joke!!!!!!!!!!!
Jojo looks up at his Idol from the pile of delicious grease he’s sat in and gets up to fight Caesar bc who r u to come into MY house and kick down MY chicken bucket and tell MY intestines what not to suck the nutrients outta ………….. but he gets big brain. An idea that will get rid of all his troubles and he won’t even have to move or release himself from his pile of carcasses.
With narrow eye bol,
He stares up into Cae’s oyes,
W’hisper.
“I will vore you.”
Caesar have leave.
-for--------
The gay whispers in the night travel thru the central parks of the continents and bring these two together whencemore
Not to vore or to get vored, but to spin around on hard water like a couple of shiny beyblades with deltoids the size of genetically modified thanksgiving turkeys
In fact, the populace can’t help but wonder why we have not touched upon the subject of Feet, for I was recently questioned as to my usage of the Highway Star Feet emoji, and is skating not all about feet, being cold, being fast, supporting blossoming love and getting ready for war in decorative glitter coats?
It is likely that Joseph Joestar has finger toes, or at least is willing to train his standard-length toes to a certain extent of dexterity, for the sole purpose of creeping out Caesar. Although there are many ways to creep out Caesar, gently caressing his face with an errant toe is definitely one of the more amusing methods, and inexpensive, for it requires no purchase of extraneous earthly materials. Caesar’s feet are unknown to man, for as we previously discussed, he never removes his skates.
It is with this observation that one can moderately-to-largely safely conclude that Joseph tried to skate on ice in just wool toe socks. It can also be argued that Caesar threatened to slice the offending appendages off his primary foot mass should they remain so ostentatious. It would only be logical, following such a Thems Fightin Words, for Josepphu to remain obstinately wriggling. Thusly, Caewsar made Good on his threat and ran over Joseph’s toes with his knife feet, and this moment right here,
Was the first recorded incident of feet on feet violence. Both historically prominent and tragic. This conflict would spur future instances of feet fighting feet (FFF), eventually devolving into a brutal, ongoing confrontation between the ideals of toe visibility vs. sanctity of coverage. There are no winners in this seemingly endless war. Only hurt feet.
Anyway, Caesar felt immediately guilty once he saw Jojo bleeding out 5 streams of blood all over the ice like a macabre music chalkboard staff liner. They visited a hospital and Jojo got his ToTos reattached.
In a serene moment of amicable apology, Caesar stood by Joseph’s hospital bed as he recovered. Jojo flashed a stilted grin. Caesarès face reflected the smile. A comfortable pause. Jojo snidely asked Caesar to kiss his wounds better. Caesar ripped off the toes and flung them out the window, where the 10 digits rained softly upon strangers passing through the hospital courtyard. The nurses endured, as they always do. It was a story for the ages.
-------------------555555555555555555--=---- kin sinn yehrra but minus 10 ----
5 golden rings!!!!
You didn’t pay attention --> go to page 63
You were paying attention --> go to page 34
Pg. 34:
no u weren’t. Bad end.
Pg. 63:
time skipped past you. U admit u were 2 busy looking at gay mangas to pay close enough attn to the story at hand. The sun is ablaze, global warming is up, polar bears are now small black raccoons that blend into the night in search of their next meal (plastic water bottles). You, as a decrepit human, cannot survive these conditions. Your face turns to dust the moment you inhale the -932% Oxygen air. Bad end.
Back cover hidden behind the outermost sleeve where you thought Priapus would hide but turns out it was the secret to the universe:
Caesar and Joseph get married, with 5 golden rings. Well, not golden. They lost at the skatehouse qualifiers and so went next door to steal the Olympic emblem off one of the athlete residences. Joseph slipped while trying to parkour atop snowy right angles, and Caesar got konked by a falling rainbow-quinta-onion-ring statue before it bounced and landed around his neck like a concussion-y game of Carnival Ring Toss. Caesar forgot math, which was sad because he was one of the single digit population of world gays that could understand fractions. Blondie looked at the 4 josephs in his field of view.
“Uh, merry christmas?” posits Joseph, the F ool, even though t'was merely winter, not Christmas. Stop confounding the two.
Caesar just heard “marry” and was like “sure.” With his 6.5 brain cells currently on overclock, he stood up and smooched Jojo’s stupid mouth while the camera panned away because the media are cowards and can’t show two buff kleptomaniacs promising their lives to each other in a snowy Olympian village. The ending.