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It was a fine March morning, the faint light dancing in through the tall windows of Phil’s apartment. He was still asleep, tangled in the sweaty chequered sheets of his bed, but in the first phase of stirring and waking. Just about still dreaming.
Today they were all going to go shopping together, again. The again didn’t matter much in the mind of a lovesick fool like him, however, not when thinking about how gorgeous and kind Dan was, and especially not when faced with indulging in his beautifully brown eyes for hours on end.
Phil decided he’d stick to his ordinary morning routine, despite his jitters and nerves. He got up unprompted at seven, then showered. He made breakfast, waited for Melinda to wake so he could get her dressed, and then they ate the scrambled eggs with toast and cereal together.
Mel was the most adorable, curly haired ginger (and child) he’d ever seen, even ranking above his rather pretty sister-in-law.
He even matched her now that he’d dyed his quiff reddish brown instead of black. Marveling in that was their favorite past-time together, and even Dan’s when he came over, it seemed, and so they did while they ate and got ready to leave.
The thing he wasn’t about to think of right now was how her curls and his new hair made her look like a mix between him and Dan.
He’d adopted Melinda almost 2 years ago, while she was still a baby. It had been a great decision on his part, in many ways, and it was his own way of spreading more good in the world. He didn’t regret it, ever. His existence was fulfilled and he felt incredibly happy to care for her.
He loved her, even if he knew she wasn’t biologically his. Though of course it had made more sense to adopt, for him, than going out and having a child with a woman would’ve. Phil was very v ery gay. And now out, too.
Unfortunately, having a child had meant moving from his and Dan’s shared apartment into new accommodation.
While he’d always felt like they could’ve been the perfect little family, like they still sorta were and really always had been, Mel, him, and his best friend- and also crush -Dan... Phil hadn’t ever wanted a child to negatively affect Dan’s schedule and personal decisions. Especially since he had no idea if Dan could even like him back. Nothing of the kind had been properly initiated in the twelve years they’d known each other, and he had had no input in Phil’s adoption of a child anyways.
And despite all of the turmoil that came along with the decision, Dan had stayed his perfect self throughout it all, and stayed in their lives even up until today. He had cared, he had been reassuring to the new single dad Phil, as best friends do, and he was a great father-figure and role-model to Melinda. Phil wished it would forever stay that way, even if his own feelings would go unrequited.
The truth was Phil thought Dan was the most perfect person to have ever walked the earth.
He had soft, chocolate curls, which Phil was glad he had stopped ironing a couple of years back. The very simple, intimate feeling of running his hands through them, and playing with them, was incredible.
Freckles, small and almost invisible on his tan skin, appeared whenever he went out into the sun for more than a few hours, and at the same time he’d be encased in a golden aura, created by the light. Before they’d have been stroked rather often, and it still sent tingles from the tips of Phil’s fingers whenever he thought back to the past.
Dan’s arms and thighs were round and soft, and his tummy essentially a pillow Phil used to like to lay on; now it was merely a distant memory, with their busy lives.
Realising he was drifting off into deep thoughts while brushing Melinda’s hair was as always the most embarrassing experience of the routine- it happened almost every day now -since his adorable daughter seemed to know the reason he went quiet and still. A true mind reader of her father, Phil Lester the psychic.
She giggled, pulled on the hem of his finest form-fitting blue button-up ( totally not chosen so he could woo Dan), and then told him in her calmest, most mock-serious toddler voice: “Papaaa, Da is waiting, no time to waste!”
And as always Phil blushed at the almost-three-year-old’s words, for Da is what she called Dan after Phil had slipped up by using the nickname during her early days. Many, many more times than he could count doing. (Still, it was sweet of her.)
He still would, in private, for she insisted on them calling him that, to his dismay. There he wouldn’t have to explain himself, at least. In the beginning he had had to, all the time, to Dan himself. Even if they both knew it was a lie that Melinda would simply miss the ‘n’ at the end of his name, Phil didn’t want to get caught out thinking of Dan as his counterpart; as Melinda’s other father.
Still he whispered to her that they’d be seeing Da soon enough, ignoring the shame that uncurled in his chest while he did, and continued brushing with a heated face and shaking, clammy hands. He was sure the nerves would never stop, and at this rate his crush could never stop simmering.
Soon enough they were stood in the hallway, and Phil pulled a snug jacket closed over Mel’s small torso, which he’d clad in a matching purple-orange-black jumper to his own Topman version. For a second she tried to copy what he’d done with his own jacket, her small and chubby hands fiddling incomprehensibly with the zipper and her tounge out in concentration, and then she sighed.
As soon as her hands fell to her side she looked up at her father with big doe eyes, and she didn’t even have to do that for him to comply. Phil could feel a grin melt onto onto his face as he helped his daughter out, and as soon as he was done he took her little hand in his, squeezing it.
“Come on. Let’s meet Da and go shopping.”
Her little giggles were happy-fuel for days.
-
Dan woke up to the sound of his shrill alarm blaring in his ears, and he’d never felt grumpier than 6 o'clock this particular morning. He was always grumpy when waking early to the loneliness of his shabby bedroom, and to finding the apartment empty. The absence of Phil was all he could call it. Damn his stupid crush on his beautifully dumb, handsome best friend!
The hole in his heart dug itself deeper, and the grumpiness got even worse, of course, after he’d had sleepovers at Phil’s place, and had been spending extra time with Melinda, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt on ordinary days like this one.
It took him an extra 20 minutes to get up, faced with the prospect of seeing the two of them later on in the day. Scratch that, actually; seeing Phil’s handsome face in glasses with a quiff? That would kill him on any day, even if not face to face. And with Mel? Heartbreak, and terror would come into play, but also utterly adorable.
The only thing that could make his situation worse was thinking about Phil having a partner, an actual second father to Melinda. So his brain did, and he spent another ten minutes washing his face, trying to get the ugly, sneering, gasoline-esque jealousy to gurgle down the drain. Not that he was incredibly, super duper jealous.
Toast, like literally all other mornings, got burnt when Dan stood too long and stared at the dumb multicoloured chairs Phil and him had picked out so many years ago, or debated on which mug he should choose out of the ones Phil had liked so much, and had left here. He’d only taken two mugs with him to his new place almost two years ago, his absolute favourite, and the one he said was for Dan when he came over. Even when he used it Dan did not entertain the idea that he was actually telling the truth. If someone else moved in, the best friend would certainly have to give that mug up in a heartbeat for Phil’s actual partner.
Okay, maybe he was incredibly, super duper, uglily jealous.
Eventually Dan ended up not drinking coffee at all, and stuffing his face with cereal wasn’t an option to replace the crispy piece of toast. For obvious reasons.
After the unappetizing, unsatisfying- but not unusual -breakfast of crispy ash bread, he went and brushed his teeth for what most people would consider too long. Then again he was a perfectionist, even when it came to tooth hygiene ( Phil shouldn’t have to stand his stinky breath was the real reason, but who was he to say that out loud in an empty place where the only resident knew it by heart already).
It took Dan waaaay too long to choose himself an acceptable outfit, turning and shuffling in the mirror and wardrobe alike. He wanted to look good; attractive. Maybe even wear something that he could pursue or tease Phil with if the chance ever came up (it hadn’t before, but he’d rather be ‘unnecessarily prepared’ than miss a shot now that his best friend could drift away and leave his life for another guy any second…), but the off the shoulder striped jumpers & translucent shirts seemed too obvious and over the top.
They weren’t safe for work nor shop appropriate, at least not with what they lead to in his wandering mind. Phil was his best friend and had a young child, for christ’s sake. Wooing, if it worked through the power of fashion, shouldn’t have them moving in the fast lane to that destination!
He turned over some old merch and skinny jeans, without any luck. There were questionable sizes, fits, and textures in there, and of course that old lube bottle he had been determined even an out-and-proud gay man like his best friend shouldn’t have to see. It had always been questionably empty, after long lonely nights when he had been unable to help himself by just thinking , and had had to put some of AmazingPhil’s most risque old videos on replay. Desperately hoping Phil wouldn’t hear or see anything while passing Dan’s room during one of his nighttime wanderings for snacks. Even nowadays, when Phil rarely came to their old place, it stayed at the bottom of the drawer, as if he wanted to hide the shame that seemed to gurgle within him.
Dan rummaged some more, and was soon left with a messy bed, an invisible floor, and just one option left in the bottom of his drawer. It might’ve seem dumb, because it was, but the Philion shirt did give him nostalgia, even if it probably was too tight to wear, so many years after he last did.
And yet again, Dan was drawn in by the seemingly idiotic, wild idea, and put it on. It took some effort, but it ended up being not too short on him, if he pulled his pants up as far as he could with his flat ass and dysfunctional belt, and it hugged his shoulders and chest rather nicely.
A bit tight, yes, but that was just another thing to add to the list of things he’d like to see Phil’s reaction to when they met up at the store.
So, he was off, black, ripped skinny jeans pulled as high as could go, and a shirt that was very intimately hugging him, while also proudly proclaiming him as Phil trash number one. The only owner of such a special shirt, custom made for him. He pulled his jacket tight around him, fingers laced around his phone, and while fighting the breeze he trudged on in the Spring cold.
The London wind tugged on Dan’s curls as he passed coffee shops and block after block. He felt hunger growing in his tummy, but that could wait, since he was going to eat lunch at Phil and Melinda’s afterwards and would be tended to. His best friend was always keen on taking care of him, and was annoyingly good at it, which only fueled Dan’s annoying crush on him even more. If it could even be called a crush anymore, and not stupid, unrequited love..
A crush was meant to be short term by definition, wasn’t it, and not lasting for 12 years. Closer to 15 if you counted the time when he was just a fan with his boxers in a twist for a celebrity!!!
The grey sky dampened his mood even more than his thoughts could, and his gaze stayed tilted towards the ground until he heard Phil’s voice in the distance, carried alongside Mel’s giggles to his numb ears. He couldn’t help the small smile that came upon his features, and which then grew as he looked up to see an absolutely adorable Phil sitting on a bench next to the entrance, tickling an equally adorable Melinda and giggling along with her.
The swoop of his quiff and his pretty blue eyes glittering beneath his glasses and his tongue out his mouth- it was going to be a long, long day, if Dan’s brain was already shortcutting. Still he went up to him, a wide smile on his face.
“Hi, Phil!”
-
Hugging his daughter tightly for protection from the cold, while tickling her and sharing her joyous laughter, seemed to be a delightful and effective way to pass time for Phil, because after what felt like both seconds and hours after they arrived at the store, Dan walked up to them, a wide grin on his face. He said his cheerful greeting to Phil, and then when he moved on to Mel, Phil was able to properly zone out from their conversation and oogle him. Not the most fashionable word for it, but he couldn’t help having his eyes wander in the way it described.
He’d never stop using the word gorgeous to describe him .
Dan’s hair was a frizzy mess from presumably the breeze (it hurt to think it could be from a rough makeout session), and his smile lit up and crinkled his eyes, making him more gorgeous than ‘usual’.
Wearing skinny jeans that were always too tight and too low in the back seemed to be Dan’s speciality, so Phil could see a real difference today, even if that view was still extraordinary. It was as if he’d made a conscious effort to pull them up- not that the effort actually made it work better -as if to not expose his tummy.
Because god was that shirt too tight and rode up quite a bit! Not in a bad bad way, of course, but the Philion shirt had always been that way and had always hugged Dan in the right places. Sometimes Phil had been brave enough to comment on it, disguising his attraction and need to compliment him on it as pointing out the model of the shirt itself. He was the creator and the one who was meant to have sold unsold merch, after all.
In the end Dan, aka the self-proclaimed Phil trash number one, had been the only person in the world to own one. A custom made one at that, since Phil modeled it after Dan’s body. Which felt great for Phil, really, because whenever Dan wore it to appreciate that Phil had made it, it was almost like he was showcasing support for his boyfriend. Even if that was just a dopamine-lie his brain made up to satisfy his craving for an alternate universe where the three of them were a true family.
Phil studied Dan’s glowing face while he played with Melinda, feeling the dark hole of wishes and half-truths and unexplored possibilities in his heart fill up with all those goodie feelings he never knew how to explain. Another beautiful thing with Dan was that he never needed Phil to explain them, as he just knew and understood. Most of them anyways. Some still needed to be unearthed.
He smiled as Dan grabbed a handful of his daughter’s cheek with his left hand, and then his own with his right. Maybe he should stop being afraid of not spending an eternity with him as a lover.
“I think we should go inside.. We’re here for shopping, don’t you know?”
Dan broke eye contact with Mel, his eyes wide as he realised he’d been holding them up, and he positioned his arms so he could get a grip of her. “Yeah, um, right. Shopping. Shopping time.” he mumbled, while scooping her up. She squealed with glee, and brought his smile back for just a second, while his own only grew wider and warmer.
He nudged Dan’s arm to give him some reassurance. “I’ll take to collecting the stuff, you can push her in the shopping cart.”
Jeez, so domestic! whisper-shouted his inner voice, praying on his dangerously exposed feelings. Phil pushed it away, for later.
The urge to boop his nose and wipe the redness off his chubby cheeks became almost too hard to resist for Phil, so he slotted into Dan’s side with relative ease, keeping his eyes on his daughter, and they made their way inside with only one stumble of his clumsy feet.
Phil traversed the store, clutching his shopping list in one hand, grazing the items on the shelves with the other. Dan followed a few steps behind him, not minding that Phil was essentially in his own world, while playing and talking with Melinda. There were only a couple more things left on the list now, so he wasn’t surprised when he heard the sound of the half-full cart fade away, a sign Melinda must be restless. Even less surprised when Dan began speaking.
“Phil?”
He didn’t stop scanning the shelves for their preferred brand of milk, but he let his voice sound less disconnected from the conversation than he felt it was.
“Ye?”
“She’s quite distracted right now and she’s-”
“Bored!” Mel interjected gleefully.
“Yeah, bored.” Dan sighed, though there was laughter on his lips. Phil could see his adoring half-smile play around in his head, dancing with his weak heart. “I’ll take her over to the toy-section. Won’t buy anything, of course, it’s your child, um, choice and all-”
“Dan. It’s fine. I get it.”
“I’ll just be over there, okay. Call if you need me, or the cart. Cart. Of course. Or Mel.”
Phil smiled at his flutterings, and was for once glad he stood with his back turned.
The familiar sound of the doors at the front opening echoed through the store as Dan pushed Mel away. Phil himself pulled out a carton of milk from a stack and continued on his way around the corner. A new customer joining them was usually nothing to worry about.
Right?
Hauling a bag of crisps, a carton too little of milk, and two family-sized boxes of cereal turned out to be quite a challenge for a klutz like him. Being the literal definition of a bull in a china shop- if you asked a grinning Dan anyways, and even Mel under his guidance -Phil should’ve seen that the outcome wouldn’t be the most favourable. He stumbled through the aisles, on his way to get a final component he’d forgotten-
crash!
“Oh! I am terribly, terribly sorry!” a distant voice (that was distinctly not Dan’s) cried out. Phil couldn’t quite see the source, though a shorter formless blur next to him seemed to be it, as his glasses had fallen of from the force. His head pounded a little from shock, but otherwise steadying himself against the glass doors had been a great idea, because he was still holding all of the shopping, and nothing seemed to have been squashed.
Not many seconds later a cold pair of hands reached up and put his frames back on. It took him a few seconds of blinking to adjust to the sharpness they brought to his vision, but soon he was fine again.
“Oh!” he heard somewhere below his chin, again. “You’re Philip!”
Startling at hearing his own name, his eyes found the top of a brown bob, followed by a kind, round, pale face, and then a stout, middle aged woman dressed in a deep forest-green knitted jumper appeared. There was something familiar about her, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint it yet.
“Hello!” she smiled, her tone taking pity in his silence. While stretching out a knobbly, but friendly, hand for him to take, she continued: “I’m Lorraine, a cousin of your dear mother! I don’t suppose we’ve met in person before.”
Then it clicked where he’d seen her face before. Of course, on facebook, like with all other distant relatives he had little to no connection with. Though she seemed nice enough, so it’d be awfully rude of him to refuse the handshake, even with his anxiety- even if that was his anxiety’s fault in the first place.
Phil resisted the urge to run his hand through his hair, and gave her a decent handshake instead. “Hi! Nice to meet you, Lorraine. Out for some shopping, you too?”
“Ah yes, just like you and your husband I’ve been brought here by the magnetic pull to food created by hunger! Unfortunately I don’t have a little one myself to help.” she laughed, and then winked. “I’ll say, you do have an absolutely adorable curly little girl together! Really taking after the both of you well.”
Oh.
People assumed that about them?
Phil ignored the way his skin tingled and his stomach fluttered, and the way his heart grew ten times, until the options able to satisfy his romantic hunger filled his head.
WEll, he thought, it wouldn’t hurt to pretend that was a reality, now would it? It wasn’t like Lorraine was the type of person to post about her every conversation on facebook, at least from what he knew about her from before. This was just harmless banter with a person that was incredibly unlikely to spread a word-for-word quote. And Dan couldn’t hear what they were saying from that distance.
“Yea, Mel’s a very well-behaved kid, too, but I guess that just means Dan and I are raising her well!“ Phil responded, with about as much enthusiasm as he could muster (which didn’t feel fake, for some reason?). He glanced over at the section with toys, and felt his eyes crinkle up like paper in flames when they grazed over Dan and Melinda, who were both looking dashing and cute next to the other, as Lorraine had pointed out.
“Melinda’s her name then, I suppose, Philip. Suits her... I haven’t seen you posting about her on social media, or even much about your husband. How come?”
“It’s..” jeez, lying was harder than he’d have thought. “I have a large following, many fans that follow me for my work, and both Dan and I thought it’d be best for her if she grew up out of the public eye, y’know. With how being child stars typically affect younglings, we didn’t want her to feel pressure like that. It also gives the two of us more privacy, because that’s- we’re private people, after all.” Not too far from the truth, Phil. Great .
Lorraine nodded in agreement, and turned back to him after watching his supposed husband and child again. “Well, it won’t hurt if I go say hi to them, and then we can all continue with our day, separately.”
Oh.
Phil felt like he’d been glued to the soles of his boots, as he watched her walk away. His throat dried up like a desert in high summer, and the lump that had been losing weight in the depths of his stomach grew to ten times its size, and became ironmade. The footsteps echoed in his ears, and through the whole shop, like the countdown of a bomb ready to blow up his whole reality.
Of course she wasn’t going to just say hi to one of them! Especially not after finding out they were married!
He really hadn’t though this out, had he... Then it hit him. Dan would know how he felt now, because there was no way someone as clever as Dan Howell (distinctly not-Lester) would miss what it meant if your best friend was willing to pretend you were their husband, without your knowledge, and be happily content with the feelings and implications it brought.
Shit.
Yes, Lorraine was right. This wouldn’t blow up the internet with some reveal of a secret child and a gay marriage between two famous youtuber friends. Instead it’d make everything he knew come crashing down, and he’d have his feelings for Dan thrown into the open, and he’d be absolutely humiliated for them. For wanting them to be true. For feeding into a fantasy for his own selfish gain. Dan would probably also feel humiliated, and then leave them, once he knew.
Shitshitshit
-
“Da! Pweaseeeee.” Melinda giggled excitedly, reaching for the Pikachu Dan held in his hand. He laughed heartily back at her, marveling in the nickname that made his insides curl with warmth, since it was very clearly one meant for a father of hers, and he would very much like to assume that position. It didn’t matter however many times a flustered Phil had tried to explain it away, because they both knew Mel could say Dan’s name perfectly fine. Though he had wondered silently as to why he’d be so flustered about it- Hopefully not because Dan wasn’t meant to be her other father, and it’d be embarrassing for Phil if she called him that in front of a special someone.
He pushed his other hand gently on her chest, keeping her just out of reach with as little force as possible. He really did not want to see her in harm’s way. Whenever he’d thought about how little it could take to see her hurt, his heart ached more than it did when he thought of Phil getting hurt, and that said something.
Lifting the plushie higher still, Dan allowed himself a couple of seconds to look over at Phil and the old lady he’d crashed into. They seemed to be getting along alright, even if Dan recognised some of the things Phil did when he was nervous. At least he wasn’t trying to run away, so he seemed fine.
Then, a terrible need to know what they were saying settled next to the warmth in his chest, the very second Phil looked over to them, shortly followed by the gaze of the stout woman. His eyes were crinkled, as they were whenever he was incredibly happy, like when watching Melinda say her first proper word, or when she walked to him for the first time.
And like when they met on the train station for the first time, and all other times afterwards, but he’d rather not think about that day or any others like it right now.
Dan was unsure if Phil was even properly studying what they were doing, but if he was, he didn’t want to make a fool of himself by looking like a bad influence. So he gave the Pikachu back to Mel, made some questionable pokemon sounds, and tickled her, for good measure. They laughed together again, and when he glanced back up he saw the woman leaving Phil, and making her way over. He raised an eyebrow at Phil who didn’t pay him any attention, and then turned his own to the new face.
“Hello, my name’s Dan. This here is Melinda.” he said, gesturing to Phil’s curly ginger child, before the stranger (or he supposed now not ) could even reach all the way to the cart, since the uncertainty of their conversation still hung over his head.
Introducing herself as Lorraine, Kath’s cousin, she greeted first Dan and then Mel. Neither of them kept any smalltalk going, because it seemed like that option had been sucked dry while she talked to Phil. She entertained the little almost-three-year-old and occasionally threw some offhand comment at him about her personality or how cute something she said/did was.
It took Dan just a while too long to realise she repeatedly called Melinda Phil and his child, and introduced herself as his mother-in-law’s cousin.
So long, in fact, that it didn’t register in his mind that it wasn’t a normal thing until she wished Da and his husband good luck with their shopping.
Because he didn’t have a husband. And he was only out shopping with Phil.
And then she was leaving, and it hit him square in the face that for whatever reason, she had perceived Phil to be his husband.
Why the fuck would she think something like that? Had Phil not corrected her if she-
Oh.
Oh?
um...
WaitwhywouldPhilplayalongwhatthehellwasthatsporkthinking
In that moment Dan got his feelings back from the void he stached them in while keeping up a calm facade, and it felt like a surge or a wave that flowed through his whole body, rattling his bones. He had to suck in a deep breath to keep himself upright, and he leaned against the cart’s handle just for extra support, all the while Melinda eyed him with a very suspicious, all-knowing look on her face.
“Da.. Papa..” she said after a few seconds, and that smooth Phil-esque smirk of hers crept into view, and Dan could barely breathe as she tugged on a crease on his Philion shirt, her other chubby fingers pointing in a direction he could not bare to look in.
Still he had to, because her puppy eyes were growing bigger and honeygold and sadly bright, and he could not stand seeing her so vulnerable.
Pushing out a defeated sigh, which made Melinda smile properly again, he rose quietly from the cart and lifted his gaze with as much strength as he could muster. For whatever reason the few seconds felt like forever, and when his eyes finally went all the way up that annoyingly form-fitting button up, they were met with a pair of scared, terrified striking blue eyes that matched its colour, only a meter away from him.
Phil clearly tried his best to give him a half-smile of some kind, but it came out as a grimace, and immediately faltered.
“Let’s, uh, go home?” he heard him whisper. He watched quietly as Phil let Mel wrap a single hand around his finger, once she’d let go of Dan’s shirt and he’d dropped his shopping into the cart. His other hand ruffled her hair tenderly.
“Home.” Dan’s throat constricted uncomfortably, as if it was both trying to choke him and stop him from crying, or stopping something worse, like bellowing all of his feelings. “Yeah. And we’ll have to talk.” The flinch from Phil at the last word felt like a punch to the gut for him.
Life had to suck on such a previously good day, didn’t it!?
He wished it’d go better once he got some answers for whatever had happened throughout it. And maybe, just maybe, he could share some truths of his own with Phil. Ones he should’ve shared 12 years ago on that ride on the Manchester Eye.
-
And we’ll have to talk.
Phil couldn’t bear to look Dan in the eye as they walked, holding Melinda’s hands together, swinging her side to side. His words echoed, bouncing from one side of his skull to the other, and dug a deep, deep pit into the darkness of his blackening heart. It hurt more, like a bomb compared to a twisting knife, than the ache he had felt before at being reminded of his unrequited feelings, or potential partners of Dan’s. Whatever he was going to be told during their talk, it was going to suck, and his whole life would fall into shambles, and he’d have to stop being Dan’s best friend and have to give Mel away: he’d be too heartbroken to even try to live properly.
Fuck. He really wasn’t being optimistic about his chances, was he.
He tried to laugh along as Dan joked with his child, but as soon as the sound left his mouth, sounding faker than it ever had, he felt like a sickness was replacing it, like bile rose up his throat. It burned and he cursed it under his breath, because it truly did embody how absolutely horrible he felt. This was his fault anyways, wasn’t it! If Dan wanted to disassociate it was entirely Phil’s fault for having these feelings and letting them get the best of him, not Dan’s for having to deal with the repercussions.
The gravel flew across the ground as they went up the walkway to the apartment building, and he let go of Mel’s hand for just a second, letting Dan pull her towards the door. While fishing for his keys he let his eyes wander over and watch his back. Unfortunately it only made his heart heavier and emptier, and sparked immediate guilt for ogling Dan’s backside when he probably didn’t want Phil to do that.
Fuck, he was screwed, wasn’t he, and this was his ultimate downfall.
Numb and cold, Phil’s hands fiddled with the keyring without getting a grip on the metal, until they practically flew out of them. It took some effort to realise, and even more to bend down in order to get them. He was uncertain if all the shaking his body was doing (he was practically convulsing) was because of the sobs that threatened to wretch themselves from him, or if he was simply shivering in the cold.
It was probably both, if he really thought about it. Thing was, he couldn’t think properly, since his head felt like it was going to explode with all the horrid emotions and scenarios, and the convulsions weren’t exactly helping. Now his eyes were even watering.
Phil blinked the tears away before they could fall, only to be met with brown tufts of hair only inches from his face.
Startling, he jumped up and away, his tears welling up again. Then Dan stood too, the keys dangling from his dominant hand as he held the one for the apartment complex’s entrance. He had a cheap smile on his face, and Phil was certain it couldn’t be genuine. Any moment now he’d drop his typical Dan-appearance and personality, and burst out laughing at him and his stupid stupid feelings and actions.
Instead Dan’s face fell at the sight of his building tears, but to him that was equally as bad, if not worse. All it meant was that Dan had become so disgusted whenever he saw Phil’s face, after finding out he liked him, that he couldn’t even keep up a charade in front of him!
He’d want nothing to do with him, if he’d have reactions like that each time he saw his ex-best friend. It had also been orchestrated by the universe, as clearly exhibited throughout the years, that Daniel was a much better father to Melinda than he was, and if Phil evidently was going to be too heartbroken to continue, Dan’d have to take over properly.
He would lose both his best friend, the two people he loved the most in the world, his daughter, maybe even his youtube and writing caree-
“Hey.”
Phil’s head jerked.
It wasn’t quite so easy to get rid of the whirlwinds of wetness in his eyes this time, but it didn’t matter. A warm hand reached up and swiped them away, which he recognized was clad in Dan’s tan. It tingled as expected when they touched skin to skin, but this time it brought him even more tears. Dammit! The world wasn’t going to let him get away so easily, now was it!
“You alright?”
Like his touch, Dan’s voice was too soft and tender for Phil’s weak heart to handle, causing multiple contradicting chemical reactions to set off in his head. Now he’d describe it as fight or flight response, but then he had no clue what it meant or how to act. He simply tried to ignore the way his stomach fluttered, and stepped away.
“I- I’ll go open the door for us!” Phil hiccuped, leaning further away from Dan’s stony face. He didn’t bother to stop walking towards the entrance even when he heard Dan’s desperate tone call out for him, nor when he felt the tips of his cold, long fingers graze his wrist.
In the corner of his vision he saw Melinda eyeing them both wistfully. She had always been clever for her age, and Phil was very proud to call himself the father of such a clever girl. Though this time he simply could not bear to meet her all-knowing gaze, and forced a smile simply for her entertainment, pushing down the knot in his throat.
He knew it wouldn’t work, and yet he decided to break both his own and his little one’s heart.
Opening the door, which was surely to be the one to his doom, he took one final shaky breath and looked back. Dan was walking towards him, carrying Melinda on his arm. He looked shaken, but clearly trying to hide it well with a tense face and quivering lip, and she was crying. Bawling crystals and leaking waterfalls. Phil swore under his breath once more, trying to force away the tingles and thoughts that formed, as he watched Dan wipe away the tears her father should be. Could it be too late to go back and restore the ruins that would be his shattered heart?
-
Dan watched with silent grumbling as the coffee swirled around the mug, the one assigned to him. He’d offered to make them something before food since Phil seemed too jumpy and jittery in his every action, and he also felt like it was only right if the father of the child set her to bed. He had not failed to notice Phil’s falling face when he comforted Mel, and he only wished Phil actually knew how good of a dad he was. It seemed he was more insecure about it than he had ever let on, and the two of them told each other everything.
Well, almost.
He would now, at least, and one big part of his brain wished greatly that Phil would have something similar to say. After all, it seemed like he had been willing to pretend he was married to Dan, and that they had a child together. Ulterior motives were not out of the question, of course, but the most logical options were always front and center in his logical brain.
Quiet, apprehensive footsteps approaching drew Dan back to reality. Pulling a smile just in the nick of time, he watched as Phil entered his kitchen, gaze fixated on the floor with burning intent.
He hoped he had that same burning intent within as displayed in Phil’s scared gaze, but he could truthfully say he was scared shitless, even more so than he’d ever say out loud. He took a deep breath, and a sip of the coffee, and by the time Phil had wrapped his bony fingers around his own mug, Dan could truthfully say he’d gathered as much courage as he had within. He didn’t feel particularly brave.
“So.. I wanted to ask you something.” Dan said, voice harsher than intended. Phil whiplashed, but didn’t move away, and fortunately none of his beverage spilled. After a few second of the most uncomfortable silence ever heard of between them, he broke it, like splitting the thick air with the blade of a knife.
“Uh, so there were some things that Lou- Laur- Lorraine! said in the store earlier, um, today and I co-”
“I’m sorry, Daniel.”
Dan blinked.
Phil never called him that, and his voice had never sounded so tone deaf, so cold, so estranged .
“No, Phil I assure you, you have nothing to-”
“I’m terribly sorry that I let my feelings get the best of me, and if you’d like I could certainly call Lorraine right now and explain everything. I’ll do whatever you want with that, actually, since it’s you who it affects, after all.” Phil said, a crispy tone dancing with his lilt across his pink lips. He barely had a chance to comprehend what had been said before that same voice spoke again.
“And Mel. It also affects her. No matter how much I’ve always wanted the two of us to parent her together, I came to my senses today and realised you’re a better dad. It’ll surely be an easy transition for the both of you. She already calls you Da, even if that was originally a fault of mine.” Phil paused to breathe in, shakily. “Blame- blame me for that one. Oh, we can stop being best friends, or even friends at all... I’ll unfollow on social media if I make you that uncomfortable. I can delete all our collabs and videos, the gaming channel-”
It didn’t seem to matter however many times he had sat in the darkness of his different bedrooms and imagined what kissing Phil was like. Dan couldn't have predicted how sugary Phil's plump lips turned out to be when he seized them for the first time.
Pressing his lips together with his own had seemed like the only rational and possible way to shut him up at the time, and now when Phil’s glasses had fallen down his nose, their fingers were desperately tangled in each other’s hair, and they were pressed up against the breakfast bar... furiously making out seemed to be the only rational and possible way to shout their harbored feelings into the void.
I let my feelings get the best of me
I’ve always wanted the two of us to parent her together
She already calls you Da, even if that was originally a fault of mine
Fucking hell, it felt good to know now that Phil felt those things as deeply as he did. That he was so not opposed to having Dan in his life that- in his own kitchen -he’d kiss him like this , touch him like this , be with him like this , in the ways he’d always imagined they could be.
As long as it wasn’t a dream, and Phil stayed by his side once he opened his eyes, he’d be fine.
Dan groaned as his vision went black, Phil’s hands straining him with pleasure by being just about everywhere they could on his tepid skin, and after what felt like minutes of emptiness, minutes and minutes , he was brought back to his senses and realised that they were no longer touching.
Then he groaned in longing instead, and only a faint, distant and small, breathless chuckle from Phil could make him pry away his heavy lids from his watering eyeballs.
“That wasn’t really, uh, talking?” Phil laughed breathlessly. A redness snaked itself up his neck from his exposed chest, contrasting with the blues in the unbuttoned button up. His chest hair was long, tangled, and dark. It did something to Dan’s breathing and heated the pit of his stomach, seeing the way it twisted around itself after having twisted in his own fingers.
“You can’t say anything! Clearly, both of us had to get years of emotion out of our systems.” he shot back, but a smile lit up his face, and he was sure he was blushing even more than Phil. “How long?”
“I’ve held that in for 12 years-”
“15.”
“What?”
“15 years.” Dan repeated. “I’ve liked you for 15 years.”
“I didn’t know you then, dingus!”
“Just thought I’d say so.”
Phil leaned thoughtfully on his arm. His eyes glistened like they typically did when he was too deep in his brain to be pulled out of it, so he used the silence and his averted gaze to stare him down some more, admiring the freckles he’d never thought he’d be able to see up close. They speckled Phil’s stomach, spread across his pale skin, an inverted starry night sky. He let his hand lightly graze across them, and instead of twitching away, Phil shivered gently under his touch. That brought a smirk to his face, that one, even if he predicted it.
“It was pretty obvious, y’know.” he finally said. That peeked Dan’s interest, but not for long- - “Really thought you were gonna kiss me after I bit your arm in starbucks, or when we went up on the wheel…”
Groaning in frustration and embarrassment, he instinctively buried his face in the crook of Phil’s neck. “I know! I wanted to, so much, but I chickened out at the last second. As you can see.” He gestured wildly around him, and then giggled wetly against Phil’s skin, when a pretty, golden sound trickled from his mouth.
“You have me now.”
“You’d actually want to, uh, be my boyfriend?”
Phil giggled. “If that wasn’t clear enough already, I thought you’d never ask, Lester.”
Dan froze, and lifted his head with apprehension. A gaze full of it met him, and Phil visibly trembled, physically and mentally.
“I- sorry, I shouldn’t have-”
“I’d very much like being a Lester. Your lester.” he declared, and the tone seemed to settle it, for relief flooded his flushed features. “But only because of your mum’s excellent baking, which I’ll remind you, you haven’t inherited.”
Shouting about their go-to joke of ‘ babuse ’, Phil slapped his arm in jest, starting an outright war which switched between consisting of playful smackdowns or compliment-fights. It was natural, as much as it felt that way, and the only difference to before was that they both knew and purposefully romanticized it.
Their playfighting continued until small bouts of sniffling came within earshot, and a small pair of feet stumbled in following them. As Melinda entered Phil pulled away from Dan and wrapped his upper body as decently as possible, earning himself a wink, blushing furiously through the short while the action lasted. He scooped his- theirs, he reminded himself -daughter up, and her tears immediately stained his shoulder.
While Phil rocked Mel around, trying to calm her and get even a single word out displaying her troubling, Dan reached a gentle hand in and wiped as many tears away as he could, before letting it rest in her curls. He moved his thumb in circles on her scalp, affectionately and soothingly.
“Darling, what’s wrong?” Phil whispered quietly.
-
“Mel, can you please tell papa what’s wrong?” Phil repeated, the words heavy on his tongue, rocking Melinda in his arms, resting her head gently on his bosom. She sighed and shuddered, still crying softly onto his bare chest, but calming down as time went on. Gazing upon them with empathetic, wide eyes was Dan, who every once in a while lent him a helping hand.
After sniffling up her snot, the dainty toddler perked her head up above his collar. “Papa…” she croaked, and Dan moved one hand up to wipe the snot off her cupids bow. His hand was hot as it grazed Phil’s chest on the way, and tingles spread in circles from where it did.
Before Mel continued, she sniffled again, and he placed a gentle peck and breathed encouragement against her hair. “Papa, I don’ want you and Da to fight n’more…”
Phil’s head swung around, meeting the deep, chocolate eyes of his new- and as always perfect -boyfriend. He looked just as sad upon the revelation proposed by their child, as he had imagined, and yet a small smile played on his lips. It seemed he had gotten the memo as well. Melinda had assumed her two fathers had been fighting! Probably based on their coldness and distance on their way home, leading to the initial beginning of an argument displayed while she was meant to be asleep, and then their roughhousing (of which there were different kinds).
A lax and soft expression merged with Dan’s previous empathetic one. The sight melted Phil’s heart a bit more, if that was possible. With a swoop of his hands and some magic, Dan had Melinda in his arms, leaving Phil with hands free enough to button up his shirt.
“Mel, I can promise you, Papa and I won’t fight no more.” Dan said, and Phil nodded enthusiastically when she glanced over at him for confirmation. “And really, we weren’t even fighting yet. Not properly.”
“No?”
“I was just a bit sad, and confused, Mel. Da did nothing wrong.” Phil interjected, brushing her curls out of her face. Smiling a sad but also reassuring smile up at him, she cradled his hand in hers within a second, and squeezed his love for her at the same time.
“And if we ever will, you’ll be here to stop it, won’t you, Darling!”
With a new bout of tickles delivered to her defenseless stomach, all three of them erupted into joyful laughter, silencing the tears and dampening the sorrows of the past.
Gosh, Phil thought as his eyes crinkled, reminiscing over the musky smell of Dan and the prickly taste of his mouth, while watching him bant with their daughter. We really are the perfect family.
And once more the small voice in his head repeated: Domestic!
He didn’t push it away. He needed its light. He loved its light, and what it suggested.
-
Epilogue
Heartstrings shared between the three of them played like violins, a stable symphony in the major scale, clearly displaying their love for one another.
Dan took a stable breath, sucking in the familiar, aromatic fragrances of the master bedroom. His long, tan legs were tangled together with his husband’s pale ones, though they were clad in ridiculous emoji-pajamas, and next to them laid Mel, almost falling off the edge of the bed. That was the problem with having two giants and their fourteen-year-old daughter cuddling up in the same bed. Nobody fit.
The other two had fallen asleep while they watched a movie, and then Dan had covered them in three separate blankets, half-asleep himself. During the night he drifted off to sleep and got tangled up with his lover’s limbs.
His head had taken over control of every thought, but not in a bad way. Instead of his usual train of thought leading back to Mel’s youth, or his history, it now danced back 48 hours, in a way it had not been able to during his and Phil’s proper honeymoon night.
He thought back to the song he had produced for and sang, accompanying himself on piano, to Phil just before the official ceremony. The whole family and their present relatives had cried so many tears that Phil joked they could fill a second Atlantic Ocean with them, and he loved that stupid joke as much as he loved the man that said it. His husband.
It was wild hearing that word now.
Watching the light dance across the covers, and the bodies of his two favourite people in the world, he replayed Phil’s undying, heart-melting grin in his head. Under his breath, he sang the text to himself:
He says I never stopped smelling so warm musky and nice
and I think he never stopped having such pretty blue eyes
Oh
He tells me so often he loves when I play the piano, so well
and I think I haven’t told him enough that I love when he sings along, as well
Oh
His voice can be both high and deep and husky and soft
but when it’s as natural as the moon and the sun
yes that is when I love it the most
Oh
Oh darling
Darling I love being held by your beautiful arms, they’re strong and secure for me
Darling I want you to never let me go, and I say that with utmost sincerity
For darling
I love you so
Oh darling
I love you so
His dear mother calls him the most charming lad in this nation
but I’d rather call him the most charming lad with the wildest imagination
Oh
Sure sometimes I make fun of his milky white skin or his lack of direction
But it’s all in good fun, and I know he knows for he does the same to me, hun
Oh
He’ll poke at the curls in my hair and pinch at my tummy, too
but I think you should all know that he’s a second away
from kissing it all black and blue
Oh
Oh darling
Darling you wear way too much plaid but you are my one and only man
Darling I love you to bits, and now you’re here to marry your absolute biggest fan
For darling
I love you so
Oh darling
I love you so
Getting married and moving into life, it gets serious now!
everybody has said, Daniel you better watch out!
Oh
But I don’t really care because Phil and I
we’ve been smitten and committed since the first time we talked, aye
Oh
He says we’re beacons of hope
but he knows and I know
we love each other the most
Oh
Oh darling
Darling when we’ve walked down the aisle I’ll never leave you alone
Darling we’ll be clasping our hands together through another hundred years, and more
For darling
I love you so
Oh darling
I love you so
And I know you will always believe when I say so
Darling
Because as Melinda, our daughter, has seen and will still as she grows
Darling
Is it’s the truth we can shout to the world,
one which it already knows
Oh darling
I’ll love you ‘til the end of time
Oh darling
I’m sure it’ll be a wild ride, but I’ll love it all the same
since you’re with me
For darling
Darling that’s what soulmates do
And in this moment, while Phil stirred in his arms and their daughter slept on soundly next to him, Daniel (James) Lester could truthfully say he had never been happier.