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* Congratulations, INSERT USER NAME HERE. BURGERPANTS DON’T FORGET TO REMOVE THIS NOTE OR I’LL FIRE AND/OR KILL YOU. You have officially subscribed to MTT_MonsterMash_Beta_0.1, the only application that takes all your social media notifications and mashes them onto one screen!
* Automatically loading newest updates… Complet (note 2 self: burgerpants fix the typos before you get killed, or worse, fired).
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FriendlyFlower01 posted a new Status.
Friendlyflower01: Wowie! Did you know if you type your password on Undernet it comes out as friendliness pellets? ************
9 comments:
Bratty97: ************* wow it really works!
Tea_dad: bigsensitivedad
Tea_dad: Why didn’t it work?
Tea_dad: bigsensitivedad
Tea_dad: how to delete undernet comment
Tea_dad: Whoops! I thought this was a search engine! (Laughs)
Tea_dad: affirmation statements for divorced dads
ALPHYS: asgore NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strongfish91: @FRIENDLYFLOWER01 TURN YOUR LOCATION ON COWARD
---
Undyne tossed her phone across the room. It didn’t break, but it landed on one of Sans’s socks, which was arguably worse. “NGAAAH! I wish I could find that stupid flower!”
“Me too,” Papyrus said, painting his toe bones. “We were supposed to watch Season 2 of The Robotic Handsome Bachelor Named Mettaton: With A Chainsaw!”
“the chainsaw part really has me intrigued for this season,” Sans said, eating a tub of ketchup as if it were ice cream. “the subtitle almost makes it sound like he’s going to date the chainsaw. im hoping for a twist ending like that.”
Undyne dragged her hands down her face. “This isn’t about that!! I’m going to find him and throw him in Asgore’s dungeon!”
“Does Asgore have a dungeon?” Papyrus asked.
“Yes!”
“what? for like, punishing people?” Sans asked. “does he know?”
Undyne gave up and resumed brooding like a cool anime hero. Ever since the “Mama Fish Incident”, which Papyrus called My First Hot Date (the ‘hot’ stood for the hotpants he wore under the tux), which Undyne called My Only Heterosexual Experience Since Hearing How Much Gold Mettaton Has In His Vault, which Sans called An Average Tuesday Night, she hadn’t given up trying to find ‘Flowery’.
“I will dedicate my life to revenge,” she said, clenching her fist. Her ponytail flew dramatically in the wind (she let Sans take an extra 5 minutes on his work breaks if he pointed a fan at her every time she monologued). “I won’t let this slight against Mama Fish be forgotten! I will find this flower!”
Papyrus put down his MTT-Brand “You Won’t Believe You Don’t Have Toenails!” Nail Polish. “Gosh, Undyne. I absolutely want to find Flowery and sort things out… but I don’t think he deserves the dungeon! At least not for more than about 10 minutes. I bet there was just a big misunderstanding!”
“He said that he wanted to slaughter Mama Fish and he had slaughtered everyone else in the Underground.”
“Right! But we’re all still here!” Papyrus beamed. “Maybe ‘slaughter’ is the flower word for ‘hug’!”
“well… he did kinda drop a chandelier on mama fish,” Sans said.
Undyne squinted. “How do you remember that? Weren’t you asleep?”
“i was astral projecting. my fourth-dimension self witnessed the incident.”
Immediately after this, the TV began playing Mettaton’s news coverage of the entire holiday party (including the chandelier incident), which had been the only news for months besides how Asgore had found a pair of cowboy boots and began walking around in them.
A lightbulb appeared above Papyrus’s head. He plucked it out of the air and screwed it back in to the socket. “Sans, the light fixtures are serving as idioms again.”
“my bad.”
“Anyway! Undyne!” Papyrus said. “I think you’re looking at the wrong takeaway from the party! Bringing Flowery to justice is a great priority, but do you remember why you asked me in the first place?”
“Because I couldn’t ask Alphys, since…”
“Since???”
Undyne scowled, her face heating up. “That’s none of your business!”
Papyrus put his hands on his hips. “If it was none of my business, you wouldn’t have invited me into this mess!”
“he’s right. you need to solve your romantic subplot before you can advance the main plot,” Sans said.
“What am I SUPPOSED to do?? Just go TALK to her?”
Suddenly, Undyne’s phone buzzed with a text message. She put on the hazmat glove that she always brought to the skeleton brothers’ house and picked up her phone off of Sans’s sock.
[2 New Messages]
Unregistered_User: Thank you for subscribing to YourBill, the hourly Bill Clinton texting service. You are currently using our ‘I Bill Always Love You’ package for 500g/mo. To unsubscribe, please text STOPBILL.
Undyne rolled her eyes and deleted the message. Her heart skipped a beat at the next one.
ALPHYS: konnichiwa ∠(≧∇≦*)
“perfect timing,” Sans said. “wow. it’s almost like it’s fate or something.”
ALPHYS: sorry to bug u um sans said the only way he’ll unsubscribe me from YourBill is to message you and hang out
ALPHYS: want to visit the lab and w-watch anime? (ノ^∇^) for research
Undyne narrowed her eyes at Sans. The skeleton shrugged. “what? sometimes fate needs a little speeding up.”
“Undyne!” Papyrus stood up and struck a pose. “Leave finding Flowery to me! I’m the one who got him involved, so it should be my business to bring him to justice! You take care of important romantic matters such as this!”
She took a deep breath and clenched her fists. “Right! Okay! I’ll text her back that I’ll hang out! Right now!!!”
Strongfish91: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL BE RIGHT OVER!
“Don’t forget!” Papyrus said. “Press [C] on your keyboard to open the Dating HUD!”
“I still don’t know what it means by [C],” Undyne said.
“its a big body of salt water. i thought you would know this,” Sans said.
Since Sans was too lazy to play a rimshot, a small device that Sans had invented which automatically detected puns and subsequently played rimshots proceeded to play a rimshot. Undyne and Papyrus groaned.
“while you guys are busy, i’ll lay low. i got banned from Grillby’s for the seventh time for selling ‘Diet Pills’ that accidentally sealed everyone’s mouths shut,” Sans said.
“Well… it kinda works???” Undyne said. “I also think I’m legally obligated to arrest you???”
“You have to touch me to arrest me,” Sans said, his mouth covered in nail polish and toes covered in ketchup.
Undyne looked at her hazmat glove. Sans’s sock germs had already burned a hole through it. “... Okay. Fair point.”
---
* Automatically loading newest updates… Complet.
Tea_dad posted a new Status.
Tea Dad
@tea_dad
Description: Just a dad who loves his tea
[Image: the profile picture shows Asgore holding a cup of tea.]
Tea_dad: Just made tea
Tea_dad: Infusing some tea
Tea_dad: A cup of tea
Tea_dad: Holding some tea
Tea_dad: Putting on tea
Tea_dad: Pouring a little tea
Tea_dad: Visiting my children’s graves. How could I let this happen?
Tea_dad: Making some tea
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ALPHYS posted a new status.
@ALPHYS
Description: mew mew kissy cutie 2 stans BLOCKED!!!!
[Image: the profile picture shows a garbage can with several pink sparkle filters over it.]
ALPHYS: gosh what,, does it mean to feel really sweaty when someone is coming over. sweatier than normal. mild heart palpitations
ALPHYS: (delete later) dw im fine. im ok. pacing. should i dress up or is that trying too hard? gosh i dont want to mess up (`･/д＼･)
[ALPHYS updated her mood to FLUSTERED.]
---
Undyne stood outside the lab, holding a box of pocky. She held up her fist to knock, remembered the time she knocked off Papyrus’s head, and thought better of it.
Strongfish91: im outside!!!!!!!!!!
Less than a second later, the door opened. Alphys just wore her lab coat and glasses as usual. Not that Undyne expected her to dress up or anything! She was beautiful as she was. Or, uh, what?
“H-hi!” Alphys said. “I’m glad you could make it for some l-last minute research!”
“Totally! Anytime!” Undyne thrust out the box of pocky in her hands. “Uh, I brought this for you. You like this kind of weird nerd candy, right?”
Her eye widened. “I MEAN, not that it’s bad! I think it’s cool weird nerd candy!”
Alphys didn’t mind, taking the pocky excitedly. “Wow! Thank you so much! I haven’t had any of this for, well… forever! Where did you get this?”
In truth, Undyne acquired some a long time ago after seeing an anime in which two characters played ‘the pocky game’. She had walked from Waterfall all the way to New Home and paid a good amount of her paycheck for it. But if she just said that, would it make Alphys feel awkward? Maybe it would feel like she was forcing her to kiss her.
No, no. Undyne should make up a lie.
“The dump,” Undyne said.
Fuck.
Fortunately, Alphys just shrugged. “Well… it’s sealed! I, er, don’t have experience eating garbage or anything, but my …. ‘Friend’ who’s eaten some nice candy that was intact enough at the dump… she would say this is fine, I think.”
Undyne frowned. Who was this friend? She faintly remembered Alphys mentioning a duo of friends who lived in New Home. She made a mental note to look into that later.
“S-so do you wanna come in?” Alphys said, after a moment.
Undyne realized she was just standing there. “Yeah!” she said, grinning widely.
Alphys stepped aside and welcomed her into the lab. No matter how many times she entered the place, Undyne always was impressed. There was so much cool technology stuff that she wouldn’t know what to do with! Besides break it, probably.
Right now, a large screen was showing a view in Snowdin Forest. It looked as if there were leaves and twigs in the camera. Undyne tilted her head. “What’s this supposed to be?”
“Oh, i-it’s… it’s a security thing. I thought it could help King Asgore… a-and maybe you would like it…” Alphys shuffled her feet. “Since the Royal Guard is great! B-but it’s not like it can see everything, so, I thought this could…”
“I love it!” Undyne said. “That’s so smart! Then we can see when a human comes through so we can GET them, right?”
Alphys wiped her brow with her sleeve. “Y-yeah, precisely.”
For a moment, Undyne imagined what it would be like if a human did come through. She would be able to prove herself to Asgore and take their soul! Then she would be a hero, which would definitely impress Alphys, and monsters could go free. And probably wipe out humanity if they sucked still? Which they probably did?
But then Alphys might be sad.
The pair of them sat down on the couch and Alphys explained that she found a Holiday Episode of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie, even though it was a bit past the holidays. Undyne watched eagerly to see how humans spend their holidays. Apparently, it was similar to the rest of their lives—full of mechas and magic swords and cat ears.
Undyne had grown used to doing human research like this together. She had grown to look forward to it. At first, she just hoped to pin down humanity’s weaknesses, but then she found herself rooting for the heroes.
As they watched, Undyne glanced at Alphys and watched for reactions. When one of the magical girls was hit hard by a villain, Alphys winced and bit her lip. A grin spread wide on her face when the magical girl got back up and hit the villain twice as hard.
She liked heroes. That much was clear. But would Undyne be a hero if she did her duty? She would save all of monsterkind, but… would she get the attention of the monster she wanted to?
As the show reached a lapse in the action, Undyne asked, “do you want any of that pocky?”
Alphys jumped up. “Right! I- I almost forgot about it!” she said. “N-not that I didn’t want it, j-just I was so engrossed in watching w-with you.” For some reason, Alphys got more nervous. “B-because it’s so great doing research with a… with a friend.”
Friend. Right. Even though it made Undyne a little sad, it still absolutely rocked to be Alphys’s friend. “I feel the same!!”
When Alphys forgot her self-consciousness and let herself smile, really just smile without worrying about dimples or her teeth or whatever she got nervous about, emotion flooded through Undyne as if she just suplexed a boulder larger than she ever suplexed.
She got the box of pocky and took a piece out. Undyne shifted her feet nervously. Then, Alphys took out a second and separate piece and gave it to Undyne.
They both ate their pocky as they continued watching. This flavor was apparently called ‘strawberry’. Undyne felt like it was accurate; it looked faintly like a straw and the flavor reminded her a little bit of berry. Otherwise, dull. The piece of candy was nothing compared to Undyne’s appetite, but it was too much for her to eat. She just held the other half in her hand.
“Hey, u-um…” Alphys started. “So, I didn’t get a chance to a-apologize.”
Undyne turned her head towards Alphys. “Huh? Apologize for what?”
“Well… I saw what happened at your mom’s holiday party.” Alphys paused the holiday special. She stared at the TV still, unable to look Undyne in the eye. “It looked really bad… I- I can’t help but think I, um… could have done something to help…”
Undyne shook her head so hard that her ponytail flew behind her. “No!! Alphys, you’ve got NOTHING to apologize for!” she said. “I was being really dumb and awkward ‘cause… it’s a big thing, you know? I wanted it to go right. But Papyrus actually gave me some good advice. He said I should be myself and not try and be someone else for family, and if they don’t like that, I should beat ‘em up!!”
Alphys’s eyes widened. “Uh, s-sure… that sounds like something he would say!”
She stared at the TV for a moment longer before gathering her courage to face Undyne. “B-but… that’s not exactly what I mean. Undyne, I…”
Undyne’s heart pounded in her chest. “Y-yeah?”
“There’s… things about me that aren’t… so great,” Alphys said. “And I don’t know if I’m ready to confront all that yet. B-but… when I am, c-could you still… be my friend?”
Undyne blinked in surprise. She could have said the exact same thing to Alphys.
She started chuckling, which made Alphys wince, but she quickly explained herself. “Alphys, I’m not laughing at you! It’s just funny ‘cause I could never imagine myself not wanting to be your friend!”
Or more than that. Maybe. But she’ll keep that to herself for now.
Alphys grinned again, meekly. “Thanks, Undyne.”
“To be honest with you… I’ve got my own stuff to confront. Weaknesses I can’t just solve by training harder, which are the worst kind of weaknesses.”
“A problem you can’t suplex?”
“Or double-roundhouse-kick.”
Alphys nodded sagely. “I see…”
Undyne offered her hand. “I’ll try and solve mine if you keep tryin’ to solve yours?”
Without hesitation, Alphys reached out and took her hand. They shook on it, but their hands lingered after. Alphys’s hands were soft and warm.
“Y-yeah. It’s a deal,” Alphys said. “I-it’s just like how in this episode, they all have to fight different parts of Mecha-Crab before it eats the city, s-so…”
Alphys proceeded to give a recap of everything they just watched. Fully caught up, they resumed watching.
The special continued for far longer than any other episode. Alphys began to yawn halfway through—which was surprising, because she watched all of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie with absolute rapture. Undyne checked the clock on her phone. Time had flown by. She should be making her way back home by now.
Keyword, ‘should’. The dummy could lock up for her.
Three-fourths of the way through the special, she felt a soft bump on her shoulder. A moment later, she heard snoring. Despite Alphys’s best efforts, she had fallen asleep on Undyne’s shoulder.
Undyne couldn’t help but wonder what kinds of secrets she was keeping that had her so exhausted. She tried to imagine Alphys as a villain but couldn’t. She wasn’t like that stupid flower that attacked Mama Fish’s holiday party. Whatever Alphys had done that upset her, there had to be a reason for it. She vowed to stay by Alphys’s side when she was ready to tell her.
For now, she would let her rest.
---
Undyne didn’t know she had fallen asleep also until her phone buzzing awoke her. The TV had turned itself off, presumably after the holiday special had ended. Alphys hadn’t moved an inch from her shoulder.
Groggily, she checked her phone. A few hours had passed. She had a new message from Papyrus.
Coolskeleton95: Good news! I found Flowery and brought him to justice!
Undyne gasped. Alphys stirred and Undyne did everything in her power to not move. A moment later, Alphys snored again and Undyne breathed a sigh of relief. She typed quickly.
Strongfish91: REALLY???
Coolskeleton95: That’s right!! The Great Guardsman-to-be Papyrus did it!!
Strongfish91: That’s awesome!! How’d you do it?
Coolskeleton95: I valiantly patrolled around and called out ‘Flowery’ until he showed up and angrily said his name is ‘Flowey’??? Apparently???
Coolskeleton95: So I took him to Asgore, who was visiting that weird statue in Waterfall!
Coolskeleton95: Then Flowery said he was sorry and he wouldn’t be bad anymore, so Asgore let him go!
Coolskeleton95: It’s a happy ending!!!!
Strongfish91 is typing………………………………..
Strongfish91 is typing…………………………………………………………….
Strongfish91: Papyrus.
Coolskeleton95: Yes?
Strongfish91: Did you release the person who tried to murder my mother because he said he was sorry and ‘promised’ not to be bad anymore?
Coolskeleton95: Well, he promised! And King Asgore said it was ok!
Undyne’s blood boiled. She had the urge to jump up and run over there and smack his skull on straight. Maybe she could still follow that flower’s trail. Papyrus and Asgore were both softies, but Undyne knew better. Reporting right to Asgore was going over her head!
But there was one thing stopping her. She would have to wake up Alphys in order to do that. The thought left the anger draining out of Undyne’s body like water from one of Sans’s “bowl holes” units. AKA, strainers.
Strongfish91: You know what, Papyrus?
Coolskeleton95: Yes????????
Coolskeleton95: It’s okay if you want to address me as “Royal Guardsman” Papyrus!!!!!!!! Nyeh heh heh!
Strongfish91: Maybe not yet, but, uh. You did good today. Nice job. Let’s talk tomorrow.
Coolskeleton95: Hooray!
She put down her phone and released a soft sigh. It was fine. That was why she (platonically) loved Papyrus—his big heart. Metaphorically speaking, since he was a skeleton. He never questioned his principles.
Maybe she had things to learn from him besides whatever “press [C]” meant. For now, Alphys’s cheek was warm on her shoulder. Undyne adjusted slightly to wrap her arm around her, and Alphys snuggled into her side. In her dreams, she was completely at peace.