Chapter Text
Shen Qingqiu wanted a refund.
If he couldn't get a refund, he would settle for breaking a fan over Shang Qinghua's ratty little head. It was his fault! Every time Airplane-bro's fervid imagination was strained at inventing yet another beautiful young girl, he would pull out one of the wives from cold storage the harem and send her on a ill-advised and frankly, well, stupid, adventure where she would inevitably be kidnapped, threatened with either the loss of her chasity (what Bing-ge had left her of it) or unnamed but weirdly kinky tortures catering to the worst of Airplane's audience's fetishes. Then Bing-ge would show up, make an overbearing speech about how dare the villain kidnap his woman, destroy the villain and all the surrounding areas and then, inevitably --
Pa pa pa.
Shen Qingqiu supposed that was one comfort: his sticky, crybaby husband was unlikely to salt and burn an entire province out of spite. If Shen Qingqiu got hurt - well that would be different. In his heart of hearts, Shen Qingqiu had to admit that salting and burning someone's territory for hurting Luo Binghe was something that even he would do, and be glad about.
The demon lord paced in front of Shen Qingqiu, monologuing. Shen Qingqiu listened with half an ear until he determined that the demon lord was simply giving Villainous Speech 6, which was not Airplane's best effort, to say the least of it. Shen Qingqiu supposed it was supposed to sound overbearing and cool, but honestly it just sounded like a five year old in a tantrum.
(Villainous Speeches:
- You were my woman, and that half breed has stolen you.
- Luo Binghe took my territory for you, and I will take it back and yours beside.
- You killed my [something], prepare to die.
- You must die so Luo Binghe goes into a rage and destroys my enemy.
- You must die so Luo Binghe goes into a rage and destroys himself.
- You must be held hostage (and die) so Luo Binghe gives me what I want.
- I must overpower you so that Luo Binghe goes into a rage, etc etc etc.
- There is heavy subtext to the effect that I want to fuck (or be fucked by) Luo Binghe so I'll fuck you instead. (This, of course, was the most popular villainous speech, especially among a Certain Kind of girls.)
- I'm just here to be crazy and defeat you, no reason except it sounded like fun. :)
etc, etc, etc, until Shen Qingqiu vividly imagined beating Airplane over the head with his own laptop.)
He kept that thought to himself and waited for a pause in the speech. He said, dripping politeness, "I suppose my lord has an idea of what he wishes to do from here on?"
There was a long, suspicious pause while the demon lord studied him. Shen Qingqiu wished desperately for his fan, but settled for looking as bored as he could. He raised his eyebrows the way he did when he was trying to get one of his students to think something through, and not depend on him, this great teacher, to explain. It was a great look. It had saved him from answering so many cultivation questions he had no idea how to explain.
"This lord --" began the demon. He never got to finish the sentence.
Luo Binghe carved a hole in reality behind the demon lord, took one step forward, and also carved a hole in the demon lord's chest. Luo Binghe's eyes were blood red, what was visible around his pupils, at least, and his demon sigil glowed like lava. His robes were stained with blood, making the dark silk an even deeper black. There was blood splashed on his open collar, dripping down toward his chest.
Not his, decided Shen Qingqiu, not important.
"Shizun," said Luo Binghe. His voice was -- not quite right. Weird harmonics buzzed through it, making the courtiers of the demon lord instinctively cower to the ground.
Shen Qingqiu tried not to wince. If Shang Qinghua dared show his rodenty little face around this old master after he got home, see if this old master doesn't beat him bloody! He's tired of being forced to take part in all of Airplane's stupid, contrived damsel in distress plots!
The demon lord took a rattling breath. "Im - impossible," he choked. "How --"
Everything is possible when you're a possessive crybaby with a GPS tracker embedded in your husband's blood, thought Shen Qingqiu, privately. Out loud, he smiled coldly and said, "Did you think my lord became the Demon Ruler by wishing for it, sir?"
Luo Binghe's chest heaved. Shen Qingqiu had an uncomfortable flashback to Airplane-bro's favorite way of describing a female lead -- "her delicate, full snowy bosom heaved with the force of her feelings, drawing attention to her milky orbs, half concealed by the diaphanous silk of her top". Airplane had used it so often that the forums almost made a drinking game until Peerless Cucumber had responsibly pointed out it was a one way ticket to alcohol poisoning.
Still - the resemblance was there, and Shen Qingqiu tore his eyes away from Luo Binghe's half open robes before he burst out laughing hysterically. He couldn't afford the time to soothe Luo Binghe's confusion.
"I will always find my shizun," said Luo Binghe, baring his fangs.
Binghe! Please! You're killing this old teacher! Killing him dead! How is he supposed to keep a straight face without his fan!!!
"No -" gasped the demon lord. "I - the demon blood --"
Shen Qingqiu began to worry less about laughing and more about actually yawning in the middle of this death scene. He'd already read and complained about two hundred of them in the novel! He didn't need to live through another thousand!
"Even if you suppress my heavenly demon blood," said Luo Binghe, straight faced, "I will always find my --"
Don't say it, thought Shen Qingqiu, don't say it, don't -
"-- beloved husband," finished Luo Binghe.
Love was dead, and so was telepathy.
"im - impossib --" gasped the demon lord, and with the last of his strength, flung a dark orb of power toward Shen Qingqiu. Shen Qingqiu, instincts honed by years of reading progressively shittier webnovels, ducked. He still managed to trip and fall, and by the time he got himself untangled from his damn robes, and fought back a huge sneeze from whatever had come from the dark orb, Luo Binge had, of course, reached the worst possible conclusion.
He screamed, "Shizun!" and then there was a horrible, meaty crunching sound, that Shen Qingqiu chose not to analyse.
"I'm right here, Binghe," he said. He's a little cross. Even if he wasn't as all-powerful as all these stupid insane demon lords, give your old teacher a little bit of face and pretend you think he can take care of himself, Binghe! Then he sneezed again. He thought, not for the first time, that if he was a demon lord, he would make sure someone dusted. Luo Binghe was obsessed with dusting. Why was no other demon lord?
"Shizun!" howled Luo Binghe, and rushed over to help Shen Qingqiu to his feet.
"I'm fine," said Shen Qingqiu. He yearned to rub his aching back, but if he did, Luo Binghe would go even crazier.
Luo Binghe's eyes narrowed. Shen Qingqiu felt the hot, almost nauseating sensation of the Heavenly Demon blood parasites running through his system. "You've been hurt." His voice was suddenly very cold.
"Binghe," said Shen Qingqiu, in a warning tone.
"Shizun's disciple is distressed when his master is in pain," said Luo Binghe. The words were humble, but the tone was not. He turned his head and looked at the cowering courtiers, the lavish hall, and the corpse of the demon lord. "Shizun should close his eyes for a moment."
Shen Qingqiu felt his head pound. "This master should not," he said. Luo Binghe was usually as gentle as a lamb around him, willing to listen to his words and shamelessly pleased at any attentions, but Shen Qingqiu was deeply aware that in that sweet lamb's heart lay the instincts of a wolf, territorial and wild.
"Shizun," said Luo Binghe. The weird harmonics were back in his voice. "Your disciple does not wish for you to see this."
Shen Qingqiu found himself on the verge of stamping his foot like Ning Yingying in one of her pretty tantrums. (He'll get Shang Qinghua for that, too, just watch him.) "And your master tells you, whatever you do must be within his sight!"
Everything went silent. Luo Binghe's eyes grew huge, like a puppy being unexpectedly scolded. "But --"
Shen Qingqiu stared at him. After a moment, Luo Binghe's eyes dropped and he said, almost on a pout, "As Shizun wills."
Shen Qingqiu gave him a faint, approving smile, while hoping desperately the cold sweat he'd broken into wasn't soaking through his robes. Your will is too strong, Protagonist! I'm just a noodly-armed nerd who likes arguing on the internet! I'm not meant to be butting heads with the Demon Ruler!
Luo Binghe flicked a contemptuous glance around at the cowering demons. "Don't make this lord regret yielding to his shizun's merciful heart."
Every demon in the room dropped down and kowtowed, banging their heads against the floor like they were hoping to knock a hole into it and crawl in. "Thanks for your --"
"Ah?" said Luo Binghe.
"-- shizun's great mercy, my lord!" shouted the demons. They shuffled around to Shen Qingqiu and banged their heads against the floor at him, too, clearly thinking it would do no harm and some good.
Shen Qingqiu said, "Binghe, can we go home? I'm hungry."
"Yes, husband!" said Luo Binghe transforming in a second from the cold demon overlord to a doting spouse. The demons dared lift their heads to stare at him incredulously, but their heads went down again with a bang when Shen Qingqiu gave them the look he reserved for misbehaving junior disciples.
Luo Binghe tossed up Xin Mo with a very protagonistly flourish, before he swept Shen Qingqiu into his arms and leaped on.
"Binghe," said Shen Qingqiu. His head hurt, but it was his poor dignity that really ached. He hated traveling double on swords -- either you had a passenger who clutched at you and screeched every time you swerved even the slightest bit until you lost your concentration, or else you were the passenger and spent the entire time trying not to see how far above the ground you were. Shen Qingqiu avoided it if at all possible -- but Luo Binghe loved to ride with him. He didn't even have to be in charge of flying. He was really just as delighted to cling to Shen Qingqiu's back like one of his wives from the books, up to and including pressing his bosom against Shen Qingqiu's back hopefully. It was like he thought Shen Qingqiu was really interested in feeling his warm chest against his back (shamefully, Shen Qingqiu was), as he was to let Shen Qingqiu clutch at him while trying to keep his balance or -- god help Shen Qingqiu -- carry him lovingly in his muscled arms like a precious treasure.
Shen Qingqiu resolutely refused to think about the way that Luo Binghe's tendency to princess-carry him everywhere had only increased after Liu Qingge had brought him back from a mission gone wrong, unconscious and slung over one shoulder. Binghe was just angry at the disrespect shown to his master, that was all! It definitely had nothing to do with the way, according to Shang Qinghua, who insisted on telling Shen Qingqiu every minute detail, Liu Qingge's hand had been directly on Shen Qingqiu's ass. It absolutely had nothing to do with the new extremely yellow book that came out shortly thereafter, detailing in loving, yet horrifying detail, how Shen Qingqiu dealt with having a new suitor and a jealous husband.
Butts! Did! Not! Work! Like! That!!!!! Ask him how he knew!
Well, anyway, at least this way he can put his head down, close his eyes, and let Luo Binghe be responsible for getting back safely. He'd only been kidnapped for about six hours and already, he missed his bamboo grove and his disobedient disciples and the quiet of his little house where there was nobody but him and his husband.
Shen Qingqiu relaxed.