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The first time he was conscious of his surroundings he knew he was not entirely here. He felt light. Ethereal. He felt alienated from existence. But felt the force and he felt her.
His first thought was her. Her eyes and her light. Her hands in his face and her lips… Her soft lips and her smile. Her smile was everything. Nowdays she barely smiled. At least not her radiant, one of a kind smile he had seen and now could not unseen. Rey. He whispered her name to her ear, the first time he saw her after it happened.
He had arrived suddenly. Flown through space and through anything in between as if pulled to her. She was bright and he was drawn to her with ease. He was always drawn to her. His north. There she was, her back to him, rummaging for old parts to fix the Falcon. Scavenging… He could not keep himself and got as close as he dared. If he had actually been there, he knew she would feel his breath on her neck. Perhaps she would turn and he wouldl ravish her lips. He would grab her by the small of her waist and held her to him. He would take her here and now. He would claim her as his and after making her scream his name out of ecstasy he would embrace her. He would apologize for his mistakes and wrong doings. She deserved it... However, he couldn’t. He was not really there and he could only just whisper her name with longing. She jumped, startled, as if she could feel him here.
He would watch her and follow her every move. He drank her presence and thought to himself he was lucky. He was a lucky man to at least see her alive. Her light shone through him and he felt warm. Ben smiled.
The second time around he realized that he was definitely not in control. He ran a hand through his raven locks and realized that it had grown longer that he remembered. He changed he assumed… time had flown by and he was not aware while it happened. He closed his eyes and searched for her.
The second time he found her he did not liked what he saw. She had been crying and her eyes where swollen. A short alien lady was in front of her and held some papers to her face. They were in a medical ward of the resistance and he could tell by the atmosphere in the room that something ill was happening. The woman he recognized as Maz Kanata and she looked surprised but not concerned. Rey looked scared and she trembled while the shorter woman approached her and embraced her tightly. Ben wanted to hear what they were whispering but remain still, he didn’t want to intrude.
“How can this be?” – Rey asked with watering eyes.
“Not sure how child.” – Maz said with a small smile in her face. – “But it has happened before.”
Rey’s face was glimmering with tears and Ben just wanted to kiss them away. He felt his feet move by themselves to her. His large hand rested on her back but he knew it had no weight. She could not feel him. She sighed soundly and pressed the heel of her hands on her eyes.
Ben felt his heart clenching as the world suddenly started to fade away. No. She needed him for whatever reason she did. His world turned black and the last words he heard came from Rey’s own voice. “I’m scared”.
The third time he fought hard to come back and when he did, he realized that time had passed again. He searched inwards for Rey’s life force and found her linked to another. He was jealous.
When he found her it was dark. She had loose fitting robes and her hair was down. She was about to retire to bed when someone had suddenly shown up at her doorstep. She looked annoyed and was about to close the door on the man’s face. It looked like a lover’s quarrel and Ben felt his anger spiking immeasurably. Ben realized he knew the man. He was the traitor ex-trooper and felt murderous when he attempted to grab Rey’s hands.
“Stop holding my hands!” – Rey yelled.
“Please! Rey I’m sorry…” – He pleaded stepping closer to her.
“I won’t listen!”
“I didn’t mean it to sound like that!”
“I know what you meant.” – Rey had watery eyes again and wrapped her arms around herself.
The third time he saw her she had a round belly and swollen breasts. He felt pain shot through his whole body as he noticed it. Her rosy cheeks made her look enchanting and he felt wrong to think about another man’s women in such ways. But Rey was his. He felt rage and pain to think that someone else touched and savored what was rightfully his. He couldn’t stop to feel envy for the man who had planted his seed on Rey’s being.
He stepped back and forced himself to retreat. His surroundings felt darker as he stepped back and all sounds muffled as he disappeared into the in-between world he often was trapped.
He never stayed long enough to see Finn and Rey made up. He never stayed enough to see that Rey closed the door and Finn was left on his own.
The fourth time he doesn’t want to be there. He doesn’t want to feel or hear. He is still raw. His surroundings start to make sense and he feels a pang of pain as he realizes he is back into Rey’s small residence. He looks around and notices that this time is also night time. However, this time he can take in the surroundings without difficulty. The moon is full and high up in the sky. It illuminated the sitting area through a large window and as his feet take him involuntary around. He realizes that this place is uncomfortable small. The claustrophobic quarters encircle him and he once again feels himself been pulled to her. He walks into her room.
“Be with me” – He hears her whisper.
“Be with me” – She repeats.
The fourth time he sees her she talks in her sleep. Her small frame contrasts with her too large growing womb. He finds himself staring at her with sad eyes. Silent and grieving. He feels as if he has lost her but then again, he is not really there. He lives in between worlds and there is nothing he could do. She was free to liveher life; she was free to have her own family. Afamily… it hurt more that it should. A family was something Ben didn’t deserve after all he had done. Standing here however, looking at her he feels deserving. He wanted it all. With Rey. But he knows better. He isn’t worthy. This was his punishment. Watching Rey with someone else, carrying someone else child.
He walked next to her. He observes her asleep in her narrow cot and realizes something he hadn’t realized until now. It’s a one-person bed. A one-person room.
Rey was alone and he felt his heart skip a beat. Rage. He was not expecting feeling rage after feeling the dread of thinking Rey was someone’s else but how he could not feel rage now if someone had dared to abandon her while expecting. His fists clenched as his mind raced fast. If he ever learned who was the responsible, he will make sure to find him and rip him to pieces. He looked down at her and his heart tightened. His blood boiled. He placed one of his hands on her protruding abdomen. Light and gentle. He knows she can’t really feel him here. He senses the force of this child within her. He feels the force dance around them soothing and calming.
Then she called his name. Ben. The whisper is carried to his ears and it’s the last thing he hears before everything turns dark.
The fifth time he is brought back he is not in her room but in a more familiar place. He is in the Millennium Falcon. He was at least half his stature the last time he was here and is immediately drown with memories. And remorse. He gets lost in thought and is only brought back when he hears her voice.
“Poe I’m aware that I’m round as a Hutt but that doesn’t mean I’m neglecting the Falcon.”
“You are neglecting yourself... why don’t you leave this to me and I will give it the proper attentions?”
She laughs hard and with obvious sarcasm. She walks directly in front of him and points her finger in his chest.
“I know what you are doing and no. You are not getting my ship”.
The pilot sights and mutters something about hormones.
The fifth time he looks at her she is beautiful. She radiates light from within and he can’t stop himself from smiling. Her hair is up again and in more intricate buns. Her hair must be longer. He smiles. She looks so fragile and yet so strong. Her clothes are loose and he can see even with those loose robes that her womb is too large for her frame. The weight must tire her. He wants hold her to him. He catches himself wanting to do more. He doesn’t care if someone touched her before him. He wants her to feel safe. He wants her to feel his. His eyes land on her delicate breasts. He would kill in order to feel them, cup them and held his face to them. He finds himself wanting to kiss her. He is now inches apart from her and tries to move a hair strand off her face. She shivers and looks right through him.
Sometimes he thinks she can feel him here with her. He wishes she could.
The sixth time around the force wakes him suddenly. Harsh. Brutal. It wakes him up and bring him to reality. He feels pain and panic runs through him. Is not his pain and is definitely not him who screams next. It’s her. He searches desperately for her. He finds her far from him and he concentrates in getting to her. He can feel himself being thrown forward until his reality clashes with her.
The sixth time he sees her she is bended forward gripping hard on her lower abdomen. She is panting laboriously and there is a fluid running down her legs. He is by her side almost instantly. Rey. He says but knows she can’t hear him. He surrounds her with one arm and hold her up by her arms. He tries. He knows he can’t. He is not there.
“Be with me”
He hears her say under her breath.
“Be with me”
“Be with me”
“Be with me”
“Be with me”
She chokes a cry as another contraction hits her. Ben stomach sinks.
“Be with me”
“Be with me”
“Please” – This last as a whisper.
Rey keeps her mantra as if it will block her pain. A door is opened and the pilot runs to her side. He holds her by the shoulders and steady her up. Ben moves back as if by giving them space the other man will be able to help Rey up.
“Rey, I need you to hold onto me. Is that okay?”
He watches how the man instead of carrying her to a medical ward makes her walk. He is almost dragging her through the hall. She is in pain. He feels enraged at his current state of impotency. Rey cries and then is almost impacted by another figure. The traitor is there and he looks panic stricken.
“Shit!” – He mutters and planted himself on Rey’s side holding her up too. “Hold on please Rey.”
Ben’s jaw is clenched. He is livid. He wouldn’t let this happen. She barely can walk and she is small. So small. If he was there he would hold her up. He would carry her around as fast as he could. If he could. But he can’t. Because he is not there… not really. He curses. He watches both men holding her up while she silently cries.
By the time they get to the medical ward she is taken alone into a humble looking delivery room. The medical droids there look at least a decade old and he feels rage that this is the best she has. Stupid war. He curses himself for been part of the reason they had to live out of scraps. He is left behind with Poe and Finn. A girl enters the room minutes later and holds the traitors shaking arm.
He curses as he feels it. He feels himself losing control. Losing consciousness.
NO.
The seventh time he regains consciousness just a few hours had passed by. He sighs in relief and looks around. The pilot and the ex-storm trooper are there. The latter is pacing around the room while the other is sitting uncomfortable in a raggedy bench.
“Stop pacing already man.”
He stopped and threw his arms on the air.
“We need to do something.”
“There is nothing we can do.”
“She is scared.”
“Most women are when delivering a child.”
“She is alone.”
“She is alone.”
“She shouldn’t be.”
“You can’t do anything.”
“I could.”
“You are not the father of that child.”
“Nobody is!” – He screamed this last far louder of what he intended to.
Poe looked at him with skeptical eyes.
“That’s what she says Finn…” – He sighed. – “The truth is that we will never know if that child was conceived mythically by the force as she claims or by a very human father.”
“No.” – He starts shaking his head. – “I wont doubt Rey. Not again. She wouldn’t lie.”
Ben registered the conversation. He soaked the new information. It clicked. Maz Kanata’s conversation with Rey ensuring her that this had happened before. To embrace it. The fight with the traitor months ago probably for doubting her. Her loneliness these past months pained him. What a difficult path had the force given her. And suddenly irritation spiked through him. A fiery desire and determination engulf him. He finds himself in the need to come back. He has to find a way to her. He would be there for her and not just in spirit but in body. He would protect her and shield her from anyone who dared to do her wrong. He would protect her, her and her child.
His thoughts get severed by a loud scream. He doesn’t hesitate. He crosses the room. And he finds her.
The seventh time he sees her she is covered in sweat and her hair is all over the place. Half down, half up. It reminds him at the first time they touched hands. When they for the first time truly connected. Her face is red and she pants loudly. They are alone aside from the medical droid helping her deliver the child. She let herself fall backwards and moves her legs slightly. A tear falls from her eyes and she muttered her mantra. Be with me.Her position looks uncomfortable, held in place by leg braces and no pillows for her back or head to rest on. Ben legs carry him next to her. She is instructed by the droid to push again and heavy tears fall from her eyes as she tries to pull herself up. She tries it all again. Pushes and cries in pain letting herself fall again. This time she doesn’t fall all the way back. She inhales sharply.
Ben catches her with his strong long arm. His arm wrapped around her while he places one large hand under her thigh. It feels intimate. Her right shoulder rests on his chest and his face is now only inches from her. He is hunched since he too tall and large to be in this position but he doesn’t care if the position feels uncomfortable for him. He needs it to be less uncomfortable for her. His thoughts stop as a small trembling hand touches his face. He looks down at her and realized it. She feels him. He can feel her.
“Ben” – She whispered smiling – “You are here.”
He feels his lips curving upward and a tingle in his eyes.
“You are with me” – She says while her voice breaks.
“Always” – He pressed his forehead with hers.
They stay like that for what it feels like an eternity. The moment is broken as another contraction hits Rey and she cries. Ben hold her tight and reassured her. The force is strong in the humble room. Time seems to slow itself. Then with a loud scream from Rey and silent breath intake from Ben time freezes and unfreezes. Another cry rings in the room. And Rey cries. She ugly cries into Ben’s neck. He holds her firmly in his arms. How he had desired this. There is a moment in which the world disappears around them and then they are suddenly pulled back by the medical droid who tries to place a small bundle in Rey’s arms.
They broke apart and look into the small child in her arms. Rey stares at him and then tears cascade again down her cheeks. Ben hands tremble as he looks at the child. A large firm hand holds the bottom of the bundle in Rey’s arms as she continues to cry. The child opened his eyes to reveal dark pool of obsidian. Dark damp hair frames the child’s round face.
“How is this possible?” – She asked looking at Ben and then the mini version of her other half in her arms.
Ben looked at the child. A carbon a copy of himself. Besides one or two beauty marks he was sure that he must looked quite similar as a child.
“A truce I suppose.” – he said while caressing his face with his large hand.
“A truce?” – Rey muttered while losing herself in Ben’s eyes.
“I think” – he said sadly – “I think this is the way the force is apologizing for separating us in different realms.”
Rey frowned – “But you are here, we are finally together.”
He swallowed hard. Borrowed time. He cursed inwardly. He was certain that the moment his consciousness slipped he would be trapped again. But not for long. He would be back. He had more than one reason to do so now. Rey understood. Through their bond she understood it all. Tears fell from her eyes. He kissed them away. He could now. At least now. They locked their lips. He ravished her mouth. Mine
Yours echoes back. He smiled. Then the spell broke. He was gone.
The eight time he opened his eyes he felt sore. He had broken the boundaries. He had broken through. Every nerve in his body hurt but he was back and he could not help to smile as the memories of his last visit played in his mind. He felt the pull of the force tug him and Ben allowed it.
On the eight time he saw her she was as beautiful as ever. Radiant and bright. A beacon of hope to his heart. She was dressed in white robes and played with a tiny child in her arms. In front of her Chewbacca made loud noises unintelligible to those who did not spoke wookie. Rey laughed as the child tugged on the wookie’s hairy fingers. The scene was warm and familiar. It felt like home. His chest tightened. It’s been so long since he had belonged to one. A voice broke the magic of the scene.
“It’s done. Are you sure you want to leave this soon? We could use you here you know.” – The pilot entered the room while wiping his hands with a rag looking cloth. Rey turned to face him and gave him a little smile.
“A military base is no place for a child. Even if the war is over.” – She turned her attention to the baby in her arms. He sighed loudly and scratched his hair.
“Do you really need to take the Falcon?”
The wookie cried. Rey pouted.
“I knew you were not missing us. You only will miss the Falcon.”
Poe laughed. He would miss then for sure.
“The Millennium Falcon is my ship. Actually. Is his ship, right Han?” – She smiled and made a face to the small child who cooed and giggled at the face his mother made.
Ben heart took a leap.
Poe threw his hands on the air and exhaled loudly. “He has no idea what the Falcon is. He won’t be able to drive it until he is at least 10!” – He shouted.
“But Chewie can and I can. He will adore it!” – She said while standing up and raising the child to her cheek. She smiled broadly.
Ben felt a tingle in his eyes. Han. Would he feel somewhat proud? He felt guilt and remorse. His old man had forgiven him but he still could not forgive himself. Perhaps. Perhaps he had gotten to the answer. Perhaps. Just perhaps he had been looking desperately to the wrong place. He had been so distracted by his desire to come back to Rey that maybe he had gone the wrong way. He had been searching a way to come back through this world maybe he had to go through the other way. The unknown way. Did he had to confront his mistakes, did he had to confront Luke, Leia and Han in order to be in peace with himself. How could he turn around now that he has seen what is on the other side?
His lips curved upwards in a sad smile because he knew what he had to do.
He allowed the image in front of him soak in his memory. He would have to give it a try for he knew what waited for him here. He is willing to accept this truce with the force. A part of him will remain here until he can return. Until the force will allow it. He can live with that for now. He closed his eyes and turned around. He swore to himself that the ninth time he will open his eyes he will be home. On the ninth time he sees her, they will be complete.