Work Text:
The problem was, eternity was a long time.
"We can't rely on them leaving us alone forever," Aziraphale had reasoned. "And who knows how polite they'll be about it when they do decide to bother us again."
"They might be. We did put a pretty good scare into them. But you're right, that's no guarantee."
"What we need," Aziraphale had mused, "is some home security."
"I assume," Crowley had replied, "you're talking about a bit more than a burglar alarm."
The problem was, they were an angel and a demon trying to protect against angels and demons.
"We need something we can bypass easily," Crowley had said, "but which'll catch them off guard."
"Hmm. Are you familiar with the concept of a nightingale floor?"
"鴬張り? The squeaky ones? You expect to catch angels or demons out with that?"
"With a variation on the idea. What if I were to consecrate certain floor tiles in the entryway, or paving stones around the garden? You would know which ones to avoid, but any other demons would get a hotfoot. Stealth would be out of the question, if you're anything to go by."
"...and we'd have enough time to activate proper defences. Clever. But that means I'm supposed to, what, play hopscotch every time I come home?"
"Too undignified?"
"Oh, no, not at all, angel." Crowley had grinned. "But fair's fair."
The problem was, while the rituals for consecration and conprofanation were similar in terms of overall structure, they did call for different ingredients.
"Out of the question!"
"It was your idea."
"Consecrated tiles were my idea!"
"We need protection from both, and you know it."
"Yes, but I only need olive oil for mine, I can get that at the farmer's market! Whereas yours…"
"Technically, I could get mine at the farmer's market too."
"You will do no such thing!"
"It's really not as big a deal as you're making it out to be, angel."
"A ritual calling for blood of the innocent is not a big deal?!"
"I don't actually need to kill anyone for it."
"You are not even to injure anyone!"
"You're making this much more difficult than it needs to be."
"Crowley!"
"Relax, I'm kidding. Got a perfectly harmless Plan C."
"What were Plans—"
"Look, do you want to help me with this, or are you happier not knowing?"
"I'm absolutely happier not knowing, but if you insist on this, I am coming with you to make sure no one gets hurt. You or anyone else."
Which is how Aziraphale found himself in Lambeth, preparing to help rob the Evelina London Children's Hospital.