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From the moment he was born, he had always been alone.
Well, that’s not entirely true.
Shen Jiu wasn’t alone as a child, trusting Yue Qi, his “older brother” and the one person who actually cared about him. Yue Qi smiled at him when everyone else spat at him and cursed him. Yue Qi held his hands when the other beggar children would push Shen Jiu away from them. Yue Qi was the only one who stuck with him when all Shen Jiu could do was speak with a sharp tongue, using harsh words to keep people away from him so that he wouldn’t need to risk feeling the ache of abandonment again.
Yue Qi……… made Shen Jiu feel happy.
The nights spent huddled together with Yue Qi’s arms around him, made the freezing air feel insignificant. When Shen Jiu gazed up at Yue Qi’s face relaxed in sleep as their breaths warmed the air around them, he knew that even if the entire world turned against him, as long as Yue Qi was by his side, Shen Jiu could face anything.
He should have known that he never deserved to be happy. He did not deserve to be loved by anyone.
Eventually, Yue Qi would willingly grow to forget his existence, as if the years they spent together was a cruel joke, meant to destroy the fragments of his already fragile heart. As a part of his cruel fate, Shen Jiu was destined to constantly meet misfortune. His earliest memories were of living on the streets, having to beg for food, with no parents to take care of him.
So what? It’s not like Shen Jiu needed parents anyway.
It’s not like he sometimes wished that his parents would come back to find him so he wouldn't be starving, dirty, and scorned by strangers.
So what.
When they had been taken off of the streets and placed into foster care, Shen Jiu and Yue Qi were separated. This is where their two paths diverged.
Yue Qi grasped his hands tightly and Shen Jiu stared at the sight, trying to preserve the memory of the warmth coming from them.
“Xiao Jiu, don’t worry I’ll find you and we will be together again,” Yue Qi promised.
Shen Jiu harrumphed. “Why should I care? Don’t take too long or I really will forget you.”
Shen Jiu looked up at Yue Qi, who was unaffected by his words. Yue Qi smiled at him so dazzlingly that he felt like a speck of dirt compared to him, the one person all the children flocked to because of his benevolent and welcoming presence.
Shen Jiu’s chest felt itchy, but he ignored it.
Going their separate ways into new homes, She Jiu had a small sliver of hope that things would get better.
It was a foolish wish.
Shen Jiu waited and waited for Yue Qi to come back, but he never did. He spent days gazing out of the tiny window of his sister’s room, covering the ugly purple bruises and rough scabs so that she would not notice anything. Each day, yearning for Yue Qi to come back and save him as he watched the golden sun lower behind the hills, covering everything in its brilliance except for Shen Jiu.
As the years passed, he stopped looking out of the window. Shen Jiu came to the conclusion that he was worthless to Yue Qi. He was considered worthless to his parents, abandoned on the road as a baby, it’s not a surprise that Yue Qi would think the same. If the only people who showed attention to him was the people who hated him then Shen Jiu would just have to endure it.
His breath was stolen from his lungs when Shen Jiu hit the wall with a loud thud. He shakily dragged his knees up to his chest as he lay on his side, chest heaving as he struggled to breathe while he choked on his own sobs.
“Why are you so useless! All that’s good about you is your pretty face!”
Another kick landed on his head and he hissed as a burst of pain flared from the spot.
“Let’s see how good you’ll look after I finish with you.”
A tiny part of him that had long been locked away, wondered if Yue Qi would ever come back to save him. Vision blurred by tears, Shen Jiu endured a kick to his face; not enough to break it, lest it be noticeable, but enough for it to hurt so bad that his face stung as if a thousand needles were piercing his skin until he went numb with resignation. As blood dripped down his nose, smearing all over his face as he continued to attempt to block the blows, Shen Jiu sneered in his heart and extinguished the small flame of hope with his bare hands.
If Shen Jiu was dead to Yue Qi, then Shen Jiu would destroy his memories and affections towards the boy who once cared about him.
After going through the hell that was his adoptive home, he left to go to college and cut off all ties with his family. He graduated, became an English teacher, and soon snatched the job as the English Department head. If he had known he would see Yue Qi again, Shen Jiu would have refused the promotion. All Shen Jiu could think of, all he could feel was seething rage towards the one person who gave him hope and then destroyed it as if it was something small and insignificant.
He had always known that Yue Qi was his polar opposite, but he hoped he could somehow prove that notion wrong. Witnessing in person how fortunate Yuie Qi’s life had become was like a sharp slap in the face to Shen Jiu. Being adopted by a wealthy family, it must have been as easy as breathing for Yue Qi to forget about Shen Jiu.
Yue Qi was the Dean of the school.
Here he was enjoying everything handed to him in life, his cushy job, while Shen Jiu had to claw his way to the top from the very depths of hell. He could barely pay attention in the meeting as Yue Qi sent him pleading glances, and Shen Jiu resisted the urge to jump over the tables to give Yue Qi a good beating, to scream: “why, why, why did you leave me there to suffer?”
When the meeting came to a close and everyone else packed up their belongings and started to leave, Yue Qi cornered him in a spot away from the eyes of others.
“Xiao Jiu, where have you been?” His earnest face felt mocking in Shen Jiu’s eyes.
He sneered. “Where have I been? Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”
“Xiao Jiu, I-I’m sorry,” Yue Qi stammered guiltily.
Shen Jiu held his hand up to stop Yue Qi from speaking. “Don’t say anything. I already know. Who would want some worthless street rat when you can have a better life.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he reached out to grab his arm, but Shen Jiu shook him off.
“I should have said it before, then you wouldn’t have worried about me, the stain on your reputation,” he paused, wondering if his next words would mean too little to Yue Qi. “This is goodbye. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. Just don’t talk to me unless absolutely necessary.”
“Xiao Jiu-”
“And don’t call me that anymore. It’s Shen Qingqiu.”
Yue Qi’s face fell when he said those words.
Before Yue Qi could speak to him any longer, Shen Jiu was already walking away and out of the doors. Clenching his fists, Shen Qingqiu swore that he would never believe a single promise out of Yue Qi’s mouth ever again.
Shen Jiu died a long time ago when his Qi-ge failed to save him.