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“Soo…” moomin began one summer morning. Snufkin looked up from baiting his fishing hook, moomin couldn’t look at him. “I guess me and snorkmaiden are going to get married.”
Oh, congratulations!” he said, with happiness he did not feel. “That’s wonderful!”
“You’re okay with it?” moomin brightened. “Oh good, I mean, yeah!”
“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?” his stomach cramped and he put a hand over his belly.
“I don’t know, I just worried…” he trailed off, as if he was unsure. “Anyway, lets go pick plums. Momma said she’d make crumble if we did.”
“Sounds good.” he put the fishing gear away. The stomach ache eased as they went on their day, thoughts of marriage and the future forgotten.
Until Snorkmaiden joined them at the Moominhouse for supper. She snuggled up to moomin, keeping the conversation on things about them. Snufkin picked at his food, his stomach cramping again. Flowers in the meadow, flowers in her hair, flowers for the wedding.
“Snufkin?” he blinked, looking up at moominmamma. “Are you feeling well? You’re very pale.”
“I’m sorry mamma, my stomach is upset.” He couldn’t look at snorkmaiden and moomin. “I need some air.”
He rushed out before anyone could say anything, unbuttoning the collar of his shirt so he could breathe. The nausea was better once the cool air hit his face, and he slumped against the porch railing. He was okay.
Moominmamma followed him a few minutes later, carrying a cup of tea and a few plain biscuits. He took them gratefully, to help settle his belly. “I’m sorry, moominmamma.”
“Are you okay about the wedding announcement?”
“Why wouldn’t I be? He’s my friend and I want him to be happy.” the words didn’t taste right, and his stomach cramped again. He wanted him to be happy, and if he was happy about the marriage, then- he put his hand over his mouth.
“Are you okay?” she asked, cupping his cheek with a paw. “You can talk to me about anything.”
“I’ll be okay.” he couldn’t look at her, staring into the tea cup. He wasn’t okay, but… he couldn’t pin down what was wrong. “I think I just ate something that upset my stomach. Too many unripe berries.”
“If it still upset later, I’ll fix you up a powder.” she nuzzled his face. “Drink your tea sweety.”
It had settled in the morning, and moomin and he were back to fishing. Well, napping, really. The rods were out and baited, but he was dozing against moomin’s comfortable bulk. It was easy to forget about yesterday, to think things would carry on as they always did. Fishing, exploring, lazy afternoons in the sun.
He was on the edge of sleep, the warmth seeping deep into his bones when snorkmaiden’s voice rang across the meadow.
“Moomin! Oh moomin! Where are you?” she trotted over as she spotted them, pale gold fur flashing in the sun. “moomin, I’m bored, come play with me!”
“Eh?” he was still half asleep. “Come fish then.”
“No, let’s go pick flowers.:” she tugged at him until he got to his feet.
“Well… snufkin?”
“I’ll fish for a bit longer.” he couldn’t look at them, his stomach cramping again.
“Are you sure? You can come with us.”
“Come on, moomin, let him be.” snorkmaiden tugged on him, away from snufkin and to the meadow.
He tried to focus on the sun, the sound of the water, the sound of birds. Tried to think of a new song, but… they were all so sad. He kept thinking of moomin, paw in paw with her-
“So what are you moping about now?” Little My plopped down beside him.
“I’m not moping, I’m composing.” he tried to keep his face blank and calm, even as his stomach roiled.
“You hear they are planning on getting married?”
“Yes, he told me about it.”
“And you’re not going to say anything?”
“I said I was happy for him.” it still didn’t taste right, and he hunched over to avoid her gaze. He must have eaten something bad, he felt sick to his stomach.
“Because-” and she said the awful truth he’d been lying to himself about all day. “You’re in love with him.”
“That’s not…” he flushed cold, trying to hold back a wave of nausea. “He’s my best friend.”
“You’re turning green.” she observed.
“I ate something bad.” he lied, putting his hand over his mouth. It would be okay, they could still be friends after moomin married, and that would be good enough. At least… until he started having babies, and he would get too busy and forget all about-
This was the problem with staying in one place and becoming close- you start feeling something for someone and then a girl would come in and-
“You’re in love with him and you should stop being silly. As much fun as it was to watch you two being idiots, it’s getting dumb now.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Little My.” he lied again, getting to his feet so he could leave this conversation. He could feel a cold sweat rising on his skin, and he didn’t dare get sick in front of her. Because she already was too close to the truth.
“We’ll see about that.” she muttered as he left his fishing gear behind.
He didn’t want to be around anyone, but at the same time, he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. Since he wasn’t in love with moomin, it should be okay. He’d just had a bit of an upset tummy and he would be fine. If he told himself that enough times, he would be okay.
And it was almost okay, until Little My caught his eye and she grinned.
Oh no.
“So, snorkmaiden, how many babies do you want?” she didn’t break eye contact with snufkin as she said it, and he could feel the color leave his face.
“Ooh, two or three! But more would be nice.” she giggled, unknowing of the ache it caused in snufkin.
“And that settee you were telling me about? I’m sure everyone wants to hear about it.”
“Oh, well, I was debating between blue and maybe a dark pink- but we could do one room in blue and another in pink-”
Snufkin was smothering, the room suddenly too hot and too small.
“-and then the kitchen in flowered wallpaper with matching curtains.” he could feel sweat trickle down his jaw. He couldn’t breathe, what little he had eaten starting to rise.
“I have to-” he muttered, the chair clattering to the floor as he fled the dining room. Air, he needed air before he-
He scrambled to the door, out onto the porch and was sick into moominmamma’s rose bushes. He didn’t want a pink settee, he didn’t want babies, he told himself as he slumped to the ground. He didn’t want a kitchen with flowered wallpaper, but the thought of having it with moomin- he was going to be sick again.
“Snufkin, are you okay?” moomin poked his snout from around the doorway. “Did you get sick?”
“I think I ate something bad earlier.” he tried to smile up at him.
“Mama’s making up a powder for you.” he knelt down next to him, pushing his hair off his damp face. It was such a tender gesture, his heart hammered in his chest. If he tilted his head he could kiss… it would be unfair to say anything.
“You should stay tonight, incase you get sicker.”
It would be unfair to ask moomin to give up a partner who could be there for him year round. Give him a home and a family. There were plans now, he was too late.
His paw was on his clammy cheek, looking at him so softly, and he loved him so much. He couldn’t ruin all of moomin’s plans.
“Snufkin?”
“I can’t I-” he pulled away, feeling the house. He had to go, get some space. Clear his head and get all the feelings under control.
It was still light out, summer days long and the nights short. He packed his tent as fast as he could, rushed into the woods of the valley at a run. No plan, no direction, just away. Away from- he wasn’t in love so it couldn’t be-
He lost his footing and crashed into the dirt and pine needles of the forest floor.
He was in love with moomin, and moomin was going to marry someone else.
He curled up where he fell, the tears leaking out. He was in love with moomin.
“Shh…” he told himself, hands over his face. “Shhh, it’ll be okay. He won’t forget about you. He wouldn’t-” a sob broke out. He didn’t want a house, a pink settee and flowered curtains, but he wanted moomin. That’s all he wanted, his freedom and moomin, but he couldn’t have both- because the house and the babies were things moomin wanted. And when those came, how much time would moomin have for him?
He should get up, wash his face. Make a place to sleep. Eat a little. Accept that he couldn’t-
But he couldn’t, curling around himself in the pine needles, trying to soothe himself.
It would get better, he wouldn’t feel like this forever. He was just being dramatic, he needed some tea and toast. He would find new people to be friends with, new places. This was how life worked, you just passed through and- he sobbed, great wracking things that shook his body.
But slowly… eventually… they died down, leaving him tired and empty. He found a stream, washed his face, ate a stale heel of bread. Made a little bed for himself and curled up.
He needed space, time to think this over, get his emotions in check. It was infatuation.
But the more he thought about life without moomin there… the worse he felt.
He was in love with moomin. Moomin was going to marry snorkmaiden.
Could he give up everything else for moomin? No more wandering to the ends of the world, just moomin valley and warm evenings wrapped up in moomin’s arms?
Yes. because… the best part of wandering was having someone to come home to to tell all about it.
But would moomin give up what snorkmaiden could give him for him? There was… nothing but to tell him, to ask. If he said nothing, he would lose moomin. If he said something, he could either lose him… but maybe it would be okay.
It took a day or two to get up the courage to return.
Moomin was waiting for him, paws kicking in the stream as he sat on the bridge. He jumped up in delight as snufkin came out of the woods.
“Snufkin!” he nearly picked him up as he hugged him. “I was worried! Are you feeling better?”
“I think so.” his stomach cramped, he rubbed at it unconsciously. “We have to talk.”
“Yeah…” moomin stepped back, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.
“I….” he was going to be sick again. “Love you.”
“Oh!” moomin lit up, dancing in place. “Oh!!”
“Finally.” little my grumbled to herself. maybe now something interesting would happen.