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At night, Jiang Cheng stares at the void that is the night and hopes it stares back.
He hopes the void shows him the faces of the dead. He hopes they return the sound of the past.
No matter how many years it has been, he is still not used to the silence in the Lotus Pier. It matters not how he had ordered the architecture to be rebuilt as it was before the Wens attacked their home. It isn’t the same because the people living are no longer there.
None of the disciples under him now would understand. None of them remember the wild laughter that ran amok their home before. None of them remember the scent of lotus root and pork rib soup that his sister took years to perfect. None of them remember Madam Yu’s harsh screams or the specific way zidian crackles when it's on her hands.
None of those who can remember are alive now. If they are, their memories have been tainted by the smear that the cultivation world dictates is their history. The same shidis who looked up to his brother and sister can barely remember why they did, or if they still do, they refuse to acknowledge that part of their memory is true.
He knows that it’s because of him.
He knows that it’s because he refuses to remember the good times, for fear of the pain that follows.
He lashes out if anyone reminds him of it and now, slowly but surely, he is starting to forget the sound of Wei Wuxian’s laugh or the curve of his sister’s smile.
He has no one to blame but himself nowadays.
At night, when he cannot sleep, he stares at the void and hopes that the void stares back. He hopes he can see his parents or his sister or his brother walk inside the room as if none of the tragedy of the yesteryears has happened.
They never do.
---
Rarely, when he finds peace in his sleep, he sees his family whole and happy again.
He is as old as he is now, but he is not the Sect Leader. His father remains strong at the helm of their family with his mother at his side. He still has his beloved nephew but he does not need to raise him in his sister’s stead because she is there to hold her child and watch him grow. He is not alone, because his brother is there by his side, ready to catch him when he falls.
He wishes he never has to wake up when they visit him in his dreams like so.
Sometimes, he dreams that he saves his family.
He dreams that he can use zidian during the Wens attack in the lotus pier and he did not need to run. He uses it against Wen-dogs and he saves his mother and his father. They hold him close.
He is happy.
He dreams that he saves his brother from the Wen-dogs, from the cultivation world determined to destroy his name. He dreams that his brother has taken his hand and left the Wen remnants be. He dreams that they’re the Twin Prides of Yunmeng. He dreams the two of them share laughter and tears.
He is most happy.
But there are dreams meant to be happy that often ends up with him screaming and crying.
The worst is when he dreams of his sister living past that dastardly night. He dreams he saves her – he holds her close in his arms and she doesn’t run to Wei Wuxian. He dreams that she lives past that night, but there is no one there to save his brother from a blade directed at his back and he dies.
He wakes screaming for his brother’s name.
Other dreams of that night, he is helpless as he watches his sister run to his brother. She runs with the singlemindedness of a sister protecting her younger brother. He watches, helpless, as corpses grab a hold of her.
It matters not, because if he can’t save her, then Wei Wuxian would do it. He always does so.
His brother reaches their sister first. He saves her.
Everything is meant to be perfect this time.
His brother saves their sister. He rushes in. And clingy as always, his brother and sister hold their didi close to their arms and the three of them refuse to let each other go. In the middle of the battlefield, his sister protects their brother and his brother protects their sister. They will go home to Lotus Pier and everything will be all right again.
Except when the dreams turn to nightmare and when he reaches his siblings, he sees his sister crying and begging for their brother to keep his eyes open, screaming for “Wen Qing, anyone, please help my brother” but no one answers.
“Shh, shijie, please don’t cry,” Wei Wuxian reaches up with shaky hands to wipe their sister’s tears away. “Come now, shijie, Xianxian hates seeing you cry.”
Jiang Cheng reaches them at that point and he falls on his knees. He takes his brother’s shaking hand and grips it tightly. He begs, “Stay awake, please.”
Then, his dying brother turns to him and, worse than any sword, pierces him with his words, “Why – why are you begging me like this now?” He coughs up blood. “I-if I – I couldn’t reach shijie, you – you would be the one to end me.”
And his eyes widen. His strength fails him.
He hears their sister admonish Wei Wuxian, “A-Xian, you know that’s not true. A-Cheng won’t. Had I died, I would’ve done it to protect you. He would understand that. If he kills you after my sacrifice, what sort of brother is he then? After all, what sibling wouldn’t do anything to protect their sibling?”
The dream turns to a nightmare and all he hears are accusations.
He doesn’t hear the words of the cultivation world, for they don’t matter.
He hears the voice of Lotus Pier’s old healer, who is always exasperated with the two of them, condemning him for hurting his brother.
He hears their deceased sword master saying that if he would turn his own sword on his brother, it would’ve been better if he had never picked it up.
He hears his father say he is disappointed in him.
He hears the immortal Baoshan Sanren telling him that she ought to have never returned his golden core.
He hears his sister telling him that he had made her death worthless.
He hears his brother call him a brother-killer.
He wakes up screaming.
He wakes up calling for the names of the dead.
He wakes up and all he sees is the void, and the void stares back.
He closes his eyes again and hopes he doesn’t dream again.
Lies.
Even if it's in his nightmares, he wants to see his siblings again.
Even if they condemn him, he still wants to hear their voices again.
Otherwise, he may continue to forget the sound again.