Chapter Text
It was freezing in the stands, and Sirius couldn’t feel his toes, but he wouldn’t move for nothing as his eyes found Remus running across the field. He moved with ease and slammed into his opponent with great force, knocking them to the ground so that James could rush the ball forward to make the winning goal. The crowd around him burst into cheers and Sirius felt Lily grab hold of his arm in excitement.
“We won!” She shouted and Sirius smiled, his eyes still locked onto the field as he watched Remus and James launch themselves at one another. Remus was smiling widely, despite the mud he was covered in and Sirius couldn’t imagine a sight more beautiful.
“Let’s go meet them.” Peter said from the other side of Sirius, and the three of them journeyed down the steps and waited by the sidelines as James finished his talk with the team. Remus stood there, a few inches taller than the others, and caught Sirius’ eye, sending a wink in his direction before focusing his attention back to his captain. Sirius flushed, and looked toward the ground. He knew Remus probably didn’t mean it in the way Sirius quite wanted it, but his heart fluttered in his chest regardless.
“What a great game!” Lily shouted as soon as James got close enough to put her arms around. She hugged him tightly before letting go, taking his hand as they all walked back toward the school.
“It was rather good.” James said, an ethereal smile still on his face from the high of such a win. Peter quickly began reciting the highlights of the match to James with great enthusiasm, leaving Sirius and Remus to trail slightly behind the other three.
“You played great, Moony.” Sirius said softly, as if he were bearing some sort of secret with the statement. Remus just smiled and slung an arm across his shoulders.
“Thanks, Padfoot. I’m bloody beat.”
Sirius tried to keep a passive look on his face, but the feeling of Remus’ arm against him made it near impossible to keep a smile off his face.
“Well there is no rest for the wicked, my friend!” James shouted in front of them. “Tonight, we celebrate!”
–
The common room was raging; people were dancing, drinking and laughing about the whole night. James and Lily were at the center of it all, the perfect embodiment of the whole student body. Sirius found himself sitting on the sofa, just taking in the scene. He felt a bit buzzed, probably from the funny drink Marlene McKinnon had made him, and was smiling dopily at his best friend twirling his girlfriend in the middle of the room. It was a good night, and Sirius was enjoying himself.
His happiness faded quickly though, as his eyes found Remus, leaning against the wall with Emmeline Vance draped all over him. Her lips kissed against the hollow of his throat Sirius looked away quickly, feeling stupid for the tears that suddenly burned against his lashes.
How could he have been so stupid? Of course Remus wouldn’t like him like that. Of course he would want a girl like Emmeline. She was beautiful and Remus was Remus. Tall, strong, rugby playing Remus, who was the star of the team next to James. Remus, who got everyone’s attention and admiration and who’s smile shined brighter than the sun. Remus who was Sirius’ friend. Nothing more.
Sirius couldn’t stand the crowd anymore, feeling extremely uncomfortable in his skin, and stood abruptly, his drink spilling onto the carpet at his movement, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. He made his way toward the staircase that lead to the dorms only to be stopped with a firm grip of a familiar hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, Pads, where you going?” Remus asked, a slight laugh in his voice. Sirius turned, seeing the confused look in his friends eye but all he could focus on was Emmeline, who still hung off Remus’ shoulder. Sirius bit his lip, the tears in his eyes threatening to spill at any moment.
“I don’t…feel so good.” He stuttered and pulled out of Remus’ grip, running up the stairs before his friend could question him again.
The dorm room was dark as Sirius maneuvered his way around the various articles of rugby gear and books spread across the floor. As soon as he reached his bed, he fell face down onto it, finally allowing a soft sob to escape. He wasn’t even sure why it hurt so much. He had never confessed his feelings to Remus—he hadn’t even told him that he was gay—so why was he so heartbroken at the sight of him with someone else?
Remus was always just so…amazing. Even though he looked like he could kill you with a flick of his wrist, Remus was the most gentle human being Sirius had ever met and he made Sirius feel loved. He would always find small ways to touch Sirius. Whether it be with an arm slung around his shoulder or his feet tucked up against his thigh, he always made sure Sirius—as touched starved as he was—feel safe and connected. Sirius kept his crush a secret because he never wanted to lose that, to lose what Remus was to him. He just never realized how much it would hurt to watch him be with someone else.
“Padfoot?”
Sirius froze, silencing his sobs as Remus’ voice echoed throughout the room. He pulled himself together best he could and sat up on his bed, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and avoiding eye contact with his friend.
“Hi, Moons.”
“Sirius, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Sirius’ lip quivered and he shrugged, unsure of what excuse he could give to Remus or if he could even speak without breaking down.
“‘M fine.” He mumbled. Remus tutted and moved to the bed so he could sit beside Sirius. He wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and Sirius tensed slightly, causing Remus to frown.
“You are not fine. You’re…you’re so tense, Sirius. What’s going on? You know you can tell me.”
Sirius looked up at Remus. He couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell him because then Remus would leave and he didn’t want Remus to leave because this—this comfort, this affection, whatever it was—this was better than losing Remus completely because of his stupid emotions. Sirius would rather have him a little bit than not at all.
“I’m fine, Rem. You can go back to Emmeline, I’m sure she’s waiting for you.”
Remus furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, leaning back slightly so he could see Sirius properly. “No, I…I don’t want to be with Emmeline. I’d rather be right here with you.”
Sirius looked up, eyes wide and heart thundering so loudly in his chest that he was sure Remus could hear it. “You…really?”
“Yes!” Remus laughed, shaking his head a little bit as if Sirius was speaking nonsense. His face took on a sincere look, “I always wanna be with you, Pads. Is that what this is about? You were afraid of…losing me?”
“Something like that.” Sirius muttered.
They sat there for a moment, just looking at one another while Remus seemed to be working something out in his head. Sirius felt very vulnerable, wrapping his arms about himself and praying that his friend doesn’t figure Sirius’ true reasoning for leaving the party.
But Remus was smart and Sirius could practically see the moment Remus put it together in his head.
“Sirius—”
“It’s fine, Rem. I know you don’t…that you’re not…I know I don’t have chance with you. I know that you’re straight, so don’t worry about it, okay? It’s just a crush, it’ll pass and we can just go back to the way things were before I even said all this.” Sirius said rapidly, his eyes wide as he spoke. Remus just shook his head and Sirius felt his heart plummet.
“I don’t want to go back to how things were.”
Of course this would happen, Sirius thought, his whole body sagging in despair. He knew this would ruin everything, he knew Remus would be disgusted with him, he knew–
And then Remus’ lips were against his, silencing every thought in his mind. The only thing he could focus on was Remus, and the feeling of his slightly chapped lips pushing urgently against his own. He tasted of cinnamon and sugar, and Sirius allowed his eyes to flutter shut, emerging himself more deeply in the moment.
When Remus pulled away, Sirius blinked up at him hazily, euphoria and disbelief causing him to wonder if it was all a dream.
“I don’t want Emmeline, Sirius.” Remus said quietly. “I want you.”
There was nothing Sirius could say to explain how happy he felt. Fireworks were going off in his head as he stared at Remus in awe. Not knowing what else he could do, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Remus’ once more, knowing that this was not a dream.