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It was interesting, how some of the new neighborhoods were sorted. This one was made up entirely of people like Mindy, who had died right on the verge of making major change. Mindy, of course, wasn’t here. She was in the…it was probably inaccurate to call it ‘the original neighborhood’ but Janet, even though not the assigned Janet for that neighborhood, did think of it that way. It was the neighborhood that had been built around those who saved humanity. It was the first established neighborhood in The New Good Place. So perhaps it was in accurate to call it the original. As that neighborhood’s Janet was, to many, to this Janet at least, the original one.
Janet entered her void. She was a Good Janet. The Bad Janets weren’t the same as they were before the change, but they did still exist, when needed. A couple of the tests were very similar to Michael’s original idea, and Bad Janets often featured there. There were Gray Area Janets now, to help with the experiments. They had been Vicky’s idea. But it would not have been fitting for this particular Janet to be a Bad Janet. A Gray Area Janet, perhaps. But she could not control what Janet she was. The universe, perhaps the Judge, perhaps something else, decided that for her.
It was strange. How Janet could read every book on love, or philosophy, or theoretical physics, in a billionth of a fraction of a second and feel fine about it. Humans would get bored. Restless. Frustrated. Knowing everything, having had every experience, it made them feel trapped. And until – really if – anyone could come up with a way to fix that, it would remain that way.
That was the difference, Janet knew, between being a Janet and being a human. She experienced time differently, experienced feelings differently, and wasn’t quite the same. She was a Janet, and that meant she wasn’t as original as someone in a human form, but she was a small part of a system that worked, and she was essential to the functionality of that system. She was part of something bigger than herself. She liked that. Lacking what had come to be known as the Soul Factor gave her a peace that humans couldn’t achieve.
Bing.
Janet turned. Another Janet had entered her void. There was a time, a time before she was activated, before she was a Janet, where that would have been unheard of. But now, the universe was stable enough. Janets didn’t know everything that happens in other neighborhoods as they did everything that happens on Earth. So they could go to other Janets for assistance, to seek their unique knowledge.
“Hi there!”
“Hi there,” she replied.
The other Janet approached her. “Catherine Eugenie Zara has passed her test. Tahani is trying to determine where her home should be.” Other Janet smiled. “Do you remember when her grandfather was born? The news story of 2013.”
“I do remember,” Janet said. “Of course I do. I wasn’t overly interested. Imperialism, and all that. But it was the talk of the world. I think she’d do well in my neighborhood,” Janet continued. “She was just about to give up her wealth and go live in a studio apartment when she died. That would fit nicely with my other residents.”
“I agree,” said the other Janet. She smiled. “Thank you.”
“Nice to see you, as always,” Janet said. She took a step toward the other, her twin in appearance and name, so many other similar and different things across time. “While I have you, some of my residents have a modification suggestion that they’ve asked we bring before Vicky, and – ” Janet heard a tiny crackle, like electricity. “Oh. I’m being summoned. We’ll have to revisit this.”
“Me too,” other Janet said. She gave a huge grin. “Always something!”
“I still can’t believe that those losers did it,” Mindy said, stirring her drink. “They made all this.”
“One of those losers saved your soul,” Janet said.
“Her and one of the other losers forked in my house,” Mindy said. “They owed me.”
Janet cocked her head. “I may not know every detail of the Medium Place, but you have admitted seven thousand and forty – six times that you enjoyed that. And that’s just the past point two Bearimys.”
“Eh.” Mindy took a drink. “It was all right. Fork, it’s good to be able to drink something that’s exactly the temperature I was envisioning it. I think I might last longer here than a lot of folks, even I have to essentially neutralize all my Medium Place time before I can really enjoy this.”
“Hi, Mindy!” Called a woman who was approaching the fountain. She dipped her cup into the water. It turned into a sundae. She grinned in delight.
“Typical newb,” another man said as he walked by.
“Shut up, this is cool.” The woman said. She walked over to where Mindy and Janet sat. “Is it weird, to be in the Good Place after being in the Medium Place so long?”
“It is, Amy,” Mindy said. “I like it. But it’s weird.”
“So,” Amy said, shoving spoonfuls of ice cream into her mouth before continuing, “rumor has it that you like, knew them.”
“Them.”
“Yeah. The four people on the wall in the architect’s office. The soul squad.”
“I did know them,” Mindi said. “Chidi Anagonye and Eleanor Shellstrop forked in my house.”
“Seven thousand, forty – seven,” Janet said, under her breath.
“They’ve gone on, then.”
“Yes,” Janet said. “Well, sort of.”
“Tahani, she has another job here now, right?” Amy said. “But the other three went through the door.”
“All of these are truths,” Janet said.
“I really don’t like admitting it,” Mindy said, “but now that I’m here, I would have liked to see them one more time. Eleanor, she’s the only one I knew I wouldn’t see again.”
“Janet,” Amy said, “if I were to ask you, right now, to talk to, say, King Tuthankamen’s wife, you could bring her here?”
“I could,” Janet said. “She lives one half Bearimy – speed away, but if we got her on the outside of the loop and ceased centripetal force, she could be here immediately.”
“And if I asked for my son?”
“He has not passed away yet,” Janet said, rising to stand in front of Amy. “I could give you a brief viewing into what he is up to right now.”
“Okay…” Amy cocked her head. “What if I asked you if I could talk to Eleanor Shellstrop?”
There was a silence. “Are you?” Janet asked. “Are you asking me that?”
“And Chidi,” Mindy said. “Because they…” she silenced herself at Janet’s raised eyebrow. “Never mind. You’ve heard it before.”
“What if I asked you for all of them?” Amy said.
“I cannot bing Tahani,” Janet said. “I can schedule an appointment to take you to see her, however.”
“You want to see if anything happens?” Amy asked Mindy.
Mindy cocked her head, turning back to Janet. “Janet,” she said, “I would like to talk to Chidi, Eleanor, and Jason, please.”
Janet trembled. Not a human tremble, not hands and knees and lower lip. Her whole body trembled, as if she was standing stiffly on a vibrating plate. She opened her mouth – presumably a sound came out, but one that wasn’t detectible to human ears – and then the space around her twisted and moved as a side to side wave. The wave slowly materialized, took on form, glowing, and the not glowing.
Mindy’s jaw dropped. So did Amy’s.
“Wow,” Eleanor said, brushing her hair behind her ear. “Was figuring it’d be longer before we were back here again.”
“It has been longer than you probably think,” Janet said. “It’s hard to determine time passing when your human essence has separated and you no longer exist.”
“I’m sure Eleanor was just making conversation,” Chidi said. “We obviously have zero concept of time as humans measure it. This…us like this, only exists upon resident request.”
“If my memory serves me correctly about my conversation with that neighborhood’s Janet, it has been point nine Bearimys since you were last called up,” Janet said. “And it does serve me correctly, so that’s exactly how long it has been.”
“Hi Janet!”
Janet grinned and waved. “Hi, Jason!”
“You remembered slash relived any memories of me lately?”
“Oh yes,” she said. “When you saved me from The Bad Place.”
“That one was lit,” he said with a grin.
“Uh…hi!” Amy said. “I’m Amy, this is, you know Mindy?”
“We know Mindy,” Jason said. “These two forked in her house. And Janet and I sure tried. Didn’t we, babe?”
“We’re the ones that asked to see you,” Mindy said. “Her,” she gestured to Amy, “because I think she wanted to meet you. Admittedly I was just curious what would happen, seeing as you’re all dead. I mean…you know what I mean.”
“Well, this is The Good Place,” Eleanor said. “It’s where you can do whatever you want, and that means, providing a person isn’t currently alive or in The Bad Place, if you want to talk to them, you can ask Janet to bing them up for you. So while we…” She gestured to the other two once-humans, “technically don’t exist anymore on this realm, we can pop up when someone asks for us. As you did. So here we are.”
“So when you aren’t being…bing’d…here,” Mindy said slowly. “You just…are floating in nowhere?”
“Not exactly. We just only take on our human, Earth – side forms when we’re here. Technically, we don’t exist anymore in the way that humans can understand it. Humans can’t exist without wanting experiences, a purpose, and an understanding that existence as they know it can end. So understanding what happens after this…you can’t.”
“But think of it as a wave,” Jason said. “A wave is made up of water.”
“Thanks, Sherlock,” Mindy said.
“No, listen! When it returns to the ocean, it doesn’t stop being water. It just joins other water. Water that might be used for, for anything! One day, it might be a wave again, or parts of it may be present in dozens of other, future waves.”
“So the door reincarnates you,” Amy said. “So you guys are, like, on Earth again? Then how are you here?”
“No,” Chidi said. “We can’t tell you exactly what happens, just as Janet can’t bring someone here who hasn’t died on Earth, or who hasn’t passed their test.”
“Can we tell them the part about how– ” the end of Jason’s sentence was muffled by Eleanor’s hand over his mouth.
“Jason,” Janet said with a smile. “We talked about this last time.”
“Sorry.”
“There is some we can tell you,” Janet said. “But even if we could explain it all, it would be incomprehensible. The human mind can only wrap around so much, and telling you that once-humans can not exist and simultaneously be bing’d up for conversation and wisdom is generally complicated enough. Then add in the truth about time and voids and filling empty space…” Janet shook her head.
“Think of it this way,” Eleanor said. “Humans are different from eternal beings because we have those…things about us. A Soul Factor, if you will. We get bored. Restless. Trapped. We have a need to know that things can and will end. Others, like…like Janets, for instance!” She smiled over at Janet. Janet smiled back. “Janets experience time differently. They exist differently. Humans and Janets are a major part of what makes the afterlife go ‘round, but humans have this inherent torment that Janet’s don’t. And when we go through the door, that extra part of us, that Soul Factor, the part of us that determines how long we stay here, it turns into…” she glanced at Chidi. “Good energy? I guess is a good way to put it. It manifests itself in other people, people who are still alive, and it makes them better. Like Jason said. The wave, when it returns to the ocean, it isn’t a wave anymore, but it doesn’t stop being what makes up that wave. It just joins something much greater than itself.”
“Like how certain words were used all the time a long time ago on Earth,” Jason said, “and now we don’t use them, because they’re bad. Things that weren’t ethnically bad when we died – ”
“Ethically,” Chidi muttered.
“They’re widely accepted as bad now, because of the consciousnesses of good people, who have experienced literally everything here, who have gone through the door, that now means there’s more human good flickering around to improve humanity. Going through the door takes our Soul Factor, and spreads it around, to influence as many people as possible. It’s very Lion King. We live in you. Well, not you, but…”
“Bud,” Chidi said. Jason cleared his throat.
“That all makes…a lot of sense,” Amy said.
“They used to make far less sense,” Mindy said.
“Jason and I had the best teacher in the universe,” Eleanor replied, smiling sideways at Chidi.
“That’s why I can go on through endless Bearimys,” Janet said. “I’m like a human, but without the part of humans that makes them want that peace they can’t have forever. I don’t have a Soul Factor.”
“So it’s that you lack something they have – a Soul Factor – and not that you have something they don’t, the ability to process time differently?” Amy asked.
“It’s both. And neither.”
“I’m confused.”
“And that’s okay,” Janet said.
“You just…can’t understand it at this stage of existence,” Chidi said. “It just isn’t possible.”
“But this is the last stage of existence,” Mindy said.
“Right. As humans know it.”
“You just have to believe us,” Eleanor said. “Like Jason. He doesn’t understand calculus, but he knows it exists.”
“I am stillllll skeptical,” Jason said.
Janet turned to the once-humans, giving a small smile. “It’s that time again.”
“Can we ever call you up again?” Amy asked. “I know I’d love to hear more about…well, everything. You guys are legends.”
“Yes,” Chidi said. “We can never stay long. It’s a bit of a universe disruption when someone who’s gone through the door is summoned, and it can only last for a little while before our souls get distressed – if we stay too long our Soul Factor tries to materialize again, but it can’t, because it disrupts the peace we have achieved, and then other neighborhoods are impacted…”
“Why would other neighborhoods be impacted?”
“Because this isn’t supposed to happen,” Janet said quickly. “The door didn’t even exist until we changed up the place. Bringing people back into existence is only safe when its very temporary. Then everything has to resettle back where it was.”
“Kiss me before we go back to non – human existence?” Eleanor said to Chidi. He grinned, giving her a peck on the lips.
“Well…I guess I need to say that it was nice to meet you all,” Amy said.
“Can you at least tell us how lit it is over there?” Mindy asked. “Like…is it…better?”
“We can’t describe it,” Jason said. “Partly because it’s forbidden, which let’s be real, totally blows, but partly because since we don’t exist in the same way. We aren’t us over there, so we can’t directly translate over there to over here. Because the parts of us that we don't have on the other side of the door have to reunite with us here. We have to essentially be brought back into existence, and then go back to where we don't.”
“One thing’s for sure,” Eleanor said. “Experience everything here. Like that song from when we were alive? Own every second that this place can give. See all the places. Do everything. Peek in on what’s going on on Earth. It will make the transition easier. Both the understanding when it’s time to go through…and what happens after.” She gave them an encouraging smile. “Okay?”
Amy and Mindy nodded.
Janet slowly began to spin, her body vibrating as it had before. Eleanor, Chidi, and Jason stretched and glowed and twisted. And then, moments later, it was as if they’d never been there at all.
“Do they…suffer?” Mindy asked. “When they’re brought here.”
“No,” Janet said. “It’s both them, and not them, so they can’t feel depressed or upset about being here. Mildly annoyed at who they encounter? Sure. Skeptical about people they see? Absolutely. Do they fall back into their human dynamics? Yes. But they aren’t here long enough to feel trapped – and they aren’t human anymore anyway.”
“I just wish I could understand,” Amy said. “The door doesn’t reincarnate them, but their Soul Factor goes back down to Earth. But it’s not them.”
“It’s like the wave example, thingy,” Mindy said. “I guess. Part of them goes back to Earth, part of them just…stops being.”
“But…” Amy turned to Janet. “Janet, are scientific laws real?”
“Yes. Science is real. Unfortunately they have to argue that point all too often on Earth.”
“So, if matter can’t be destroyed…where does the rest of them go? If things have to resettle, the part of them that isn’t their Soul Factor has to…be somewhere. What do they become?”
“Have I told you the story of Michael?” She asked.
“Yes,” Mindy said.
“No,” said Amy at the same time.
“Michael was an eternal being. The one who designed this neighborhood. He loved humans. He wanted to experience all the things humans could, the little things, like wearing suspenders, or having a rewards card. So he did. He went down to Earth, to do all that. When he came back here, he had both vast knowledge of the afterlife, and personal experiences on Earth. He went into a neighborhood for a while, saw his Earth friends through the door, and now he is designing again, like Tahani, with that unique knowledge that only people who lived as humans can have. One thing Tahani has proved, is people who lived on Earth have an ability to connect with the people they serve than those of us that haven’t. Except me, perhaps, as I’ve been rebooted hundreds of times.”
“Janet,” Amy said, “with all due respect. You didn’t answer my question.”
“Because I can’t,” Janet said. “All I can say is, when your time here is finished, and you go through that door, you will achieve a peace that you can’t when all the current parts of you are mixed up into one.”
“Amy,” Mindy said, raising her eyebrows, her voice taking on the tone that rolling eyes would be, if rolling eyes was a tone, “she can’t tell us, the former humans can’t tell us, no one can tell us.”
“Not exactly,” Janet said. “And yet, we did. We dropped two hundred and fifty – three clues. Only a handful of them capable of being identified by humans, of course.” She smiled. “Trust me. We all told you what happens beyond the door.”
Bing.
Janet re-entered her void. She hated having to go completely offline. It made the residents wonder. It concerned some of them. And concern wasn’t for The Good Place. But sometimes, when the universe was settled and the Bearimys aligned, it happened.”
Janet did a scan of her community. None of them needed her, none of them had needed her when she was gone. That was good. Last time, she’d had to come up with something to explain where she’d been. It was difficult. Partly because she couldn’t say. Partly because her human form didn’t translate here. Not directly. Even if she was allowed to say what had happened, where she’d gone, she only partially remembered the details.
Existing, and not, at the same time does that to a no – longer – person.
She would be in her void for forever, and yet not for long, all at the same time. It was another odd way Janets experienced time. She always had this neutral period, where she felt nothing and yet didn’t feel empty, where she did nothing but didn’t feel bored or unfulfilled, where she recharged or socialized with those in her circle, but was also prepared to appear anywhere within her jurisdiction, at any time. Her human form would have probably called this Schrödinger’s Universe.
She decided to read every book that had ever been written. She blinked. She’d done it. She blinked again. She’d done it again. It was incredible. What was even more incredible was she would never tire of it. Not this time. Not with the parts of her that once caused that conflict now in a million pieces, scattered about the world, making humanity better as they had previously done for –
A quiet bing announced another Janet had entered her void. The same one who had visited earlier. “Hi, Chidi."
“Janet,” she said, whirling around to point her finger at the other Janet. “You cannot call me that.” It also wasn't really accurate. She wasn't Chidi. Not really.
“Not out there. But it’s amusing to be able to do it in here. And I’m not entirely sure what they would do. Not enough people have walked through yet for them to recreate as many Janets as there were before the Great Marbling.”
“It is amusing, isn’t it?” Janet said. “We can go through life and afterlife as humans, but when we walk through the door, we somehow remember what it was like before, and yet don’t, at the same time. And we sort of know what time is like for humans, but we experience time in the Janet way so fully, you know what I mean, it’s loud, that we almost can’t even understand that either. We've gone to a new plane, and I don't even know if I can say we since we aren't really who we were before. And yet it doesn’t bother me. Nothing bothers me. Did you know I’ve read every book that’s ever existed twice today?”
“I’m so proud,” the other Janet deadpanned. “Oh, interesting. I can deadpan. That’s fun.”
“Do you think we told them too much?” Chidi – Janet asked.
“No. They can’t pick up on the clues. It would be different if we looked the way we did when we entered her void as humans, but we all look and dress the same, there's nothing to tip them off. And our Janet would have binged in here to yell at us by now.”
“Our Janet. It’s odd. We released our Soul Factor so many Bearimys ago now…we’ve been servicing our own neighborhoods, guiding our own residents through existence…and she’s still ‘our Janet’.”
“She will always be our Janet. We lost the human part of us. We returned to the ocean, became a part of something greater than our existences. We released our Soul Factors to Earth, and what was left was all the knowledge and experiences that reworked us into Janets that know everything, and that has memories enough to connect to our human residents. But that doesn’t erase the past. It doesn’t change that she was the only Janet that mattered, for a long time.”
“That’s true,” Chidi – Janet said. “Eleanor.” She gave a wink at Eleanor - Janet. “Oh. I can be mischievous. That’s fun.”
“Well. I should get to showing Catherine Eugenie Zara around the neighborhood. I wonder if she’ll let me shorten that.”
“You should get to that,” Chidi – Janet said. “Then we need to talk about – ”
“Right, your residents. Vicky.” Eleanor – Janet nodded. “Bing over, once your neighborhood sleeps.”