Chapter Text
chan pretends not to notice.
he ignores the flirty glances and loving giggles. he doesn't acknowledge the hand holding and shy smiles. he tries to pay no heed to bruises on necks and messy hair the next morning.
he does all of this because he cares.
it's like an unspoken rule in the group. if the rest of them ignore it, maybe it'll go away. it's not that they don't support it, it's that they can't support it, and it hurts them to know that. it would hurt even more if they did something about it, so they do nothing. chan's a coward, and so are the rest of them, but they'd rather be cowardly than be too brave like minho and jisung. minho and jisung, who keep fighting against their truths and obstacles even if they know they can't possibly win.
it's tragic.
sometimes chan looks at them and wonders if maybe, in a different life, things could've worked out okay. they could've, he decides. maybe if they lived in a country where nobody cared about sexual orientations and preferred pronouns. maybe if they had normal jobs, away from scrutinising eyes that think they get to decide what you should do and the pressure to seem perfect. maybe. or maybe not.
because it's fruitless to think thoughts like that. because how hard they try, there's no way they can fight against truth, against the stone cold reality of their situation. minho and jisung are natives in a country that scorns at 2 men holding hands. they are idols, celebrities that are always in the eyes of a public that want them to be straight and will ruin them if they aren't. minho and jisung are doomed, and even the pureness of a love as true as theirs can't change that.
if chan was brave, he would tell them that. he's not, though. he's not, and everyday he ignores the ache in his heart when he sees them and pretends that their relationship is just fanservice.
chan first questions the integrity of their friendship just after debut. everyone is high on happiness and the excitement of being actual idols, and when stray kids is happy, they're touchy. it's natural to see one member clinging onto another, or some of them napping next to each other. he's not surprised to see jisung sitting on minho's lap, playing with his hair and whispering things that make minho giggle childishly. they've all been like that before, but what worries him is that minho and jisung seem...closer than usual.
they all have a favourite, chan knows. minho and jisung have had a special connection since they met, but lately the amount of time they spend together is becoming excessive to the point where chan doesn't think he's talked to either of them out of practice or out of the spotlight for weeks. he wonders if one or both of them have a problem with another group member: although hyunjin and ji have made up, sometimes they are still a little tense, and often the bickering between seungmin and minho goes a little far. it's his job as a leader to make sure everything is okay, so he makes his mind up to approach them and ask.
looking back, chan thinks that even back then he knew what the reality of minho and jisungs relationship was. he just didn't want face it, to come to such a devastating realisation, so he ran away from the real problem and made up smaller worries in an effort to hide.
it didn't work.
of course it didn't. days later, when chan confronted minho and jisung about their growing distance from the other members, they had looked at him like he had grown a second head.
"what?!" jisung had said incredulously. "uh, no. hyung, we haven't argued with anyone, trust me. I'm sorry that you felt this way...we'll try to spend more time with the other members, yeah?" minho nodded next to him.
chan might have believed him, but the blatant lack of regret in his eyes stopped him. jisung looked sorry that he had been caught, not that he was lying to chan or that he hadn't been as present as he should.
"fine," chan said. "let's go out and get some barbecue next week, as 9. no excuses or backing out of it, alright?"
minho and jisung both hummed in unison, and then turned to give each incredulous looks in unison before bursting into laughter. some of the tight worry chan hadn't even realised existed dissipates and a fondness replaces the cavity in his chest. he chuckles briefly with them, and turns to leave the room.
he's half way down the hallway when he realises that he left the door open. minho hates it when he does that, so he sighs and turns back to close it. he's reaches for the doorknob when he looks up casually and freezes.
minho is facing the door, but his eyes are closed. jisung is turned towards him, and if chan were a little further away he would assume the they were just hugging, but the from the angle he's standing at he can see jisungs lips kissing down the expanse of skin on minho's neck.
"ji," minho whispers, and the word is so full of love and adoration and pure want that chan could cry.
he leaves the door ajar, and turns and walks into the living room. seungmin and jeongin are sitting there complacently watching a film, and seungmin looks up. chan must looks horrified, because he quirks an eyebrow as a way of asking "hyung, are you okay?" but chan simply shakes his head and slumps onto the couch.
he never ends up telling anyone about what he saw. he finds that he doesn't want to.