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“You both promise right? Danno? Uncle Steve?” When they just stared at her without answering, Grace pressed, “Say it. Promise me that under no circumstances will either of you take your shirt off this weekend unless it’s in the privacy of your own bathroom and the door is locked.”
“Now Gracie,” Steve protested. “You know I can’t go the rest of the weekend without swimming.”
Grace huffed in exasperation, but she knew convincing Uncle Steve to forgo his Sunday morning swim was a long shot. “Fine, but you have to go early, before anyone is awake, and you have to wear a wetsuit or, at the very least, a rash guard.”
Steve laughed. “Thank you very much for that concession, Grace, but for the record, I think you’re being ridiculous.”
“I am not. You don’t know what it’s like to have all your friends drooling over your ‘hot’ father and his ‘equally hot’ husband. It’s embarrassing.”
“Now, monkey,” Grace’s look of derision stopped Danny from going any further. Besides, if anyone should understand her embarrassment, it was her father. He was almost as mortified as she was when one of her classmates had live-streamed him and Uncle Steve playing a game of basketball. A game where they both ended up playing without their shirts. It took a month for the teasing Grace had to endure at school to die down. Not to mention, she suddenly had a lot more friends wanting to come to her house “to hang out.” And, don’t get her started on the requests for parent-teacher conferences. She thought this year would be better, but then right before school started, she and a group of friends, including a couple of new girls, were at the beach when, wouldn’t you know it, there comes Uncle Steve running down the beach after a suspect. The resulting dive into the water to capture the idiot drenched her stepfather, who immediately after turning the suspect over to her dad, pulled off his shirt and wrung it out over the outraged perp’s head. The new girl, Carly, just about flipped out over how “hot” her dads were. Carly’s word not hers. That incident, and Carly’s big mouth, cranked the teasing back up again.
“What about me, Gracie?”
She was pulled out of her thoughts and looked down at her little brother. “What about you?”
“Do I have to keep my shirt on too?”
Charlie was only seven and a skinny seven at that, but she knew he still had his pride. “Yes, you too, Charlie. No taking your shirt off in front of my friends this weekend.” The grin on Charlie’s face lifted her mood somewhat. Glancing at her father, she received a brief nod of approval.
“Alright, Grace,” her dad said. “I promise that the men of the house will remain fully clothed at all times while in the presence of your friends this weekend.”
“Thanks, Danno.”
Just then there was a knock on the door. “Behave, all of you.” Her father, stepfather, and little brother, returned her glare of admonition with looks that bespoke their encouragement, humor, and confusion respectively. Grace sighed in resignation and went to let in her classmates. She had a feeling it was going to be a very long weekend.
….
“So, how long have your dads been together?”
Grace glanced up from her computer where she was looking up facts on intertidal zones. She, Sara, and Carly had a joint project due for their Marine Sciences class on Monday. Thus, the weekend sleepover. She was the only one who had a house on the beach and the other girls had insisted it would be easier to do their research there than at a public beach. Even though project partners had supposedly been randomly assigned by their teacher, Grace found it awfully suspicious that she and Carly were put in the same group. The other girl’s question about her dad and Uncle Steve made her even more suspicious.
“They’ve only been married a few months, but they’ve been officially a couple for about two years and partners at Five-0 for almost nine. Why?” Grace asked.
“No reason,” Carly said. “Just curious. My mom and stepdad have been married for three years, but I don’t think it’s going to last. He’s kind of a jerk, but your dad and the commander both seem cool.”
“Well believe me, ‘cool’ is not a term I’d use to describe either of them … overprotective, goofy, embarrassing …”
“I think they’re great,” Sara broke in. “They’re so nice and really cute for a couple of old guys.”
“Yeah, you definitely have the two hottest dads in school.”
“Except for Kai Hanoa’s dad,” Sara pointed out. “He is totally hot … he used to be a professional surfer.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right,” Carly agreed. “He’s gorgeous. He could ride my surfboard anytime.”
Was it ridiculous that Grace felt a little offended that they thought Mr. Hanoa was hotter than Danno and Uncle Steve? Ugh. This whole conversation was ridiculous.
“Why are the two of you panting over men in their 40s? Aren’t there any hot guys in our class you can talk about?” Grace asked them as she deliberately flipped through the textbook in front of her.
“Sure,” Carly said, “but they’re just boys. Men are so much more interesting. Not that I’d date one or anything, but still…”
When Sara nodded in agreement, Grace just rolled her eyes. Will was just a year older, but he was definitely interesting. Before she could think of a way to change the subject, her stepfather came through the front door holding a shopping bag. He immediately drew the attention of all three girls. Grace was once again compelled to roll her eyes at her classmates’ simpering greetings of, “Hi, Commander.” Could they be any more obvious?
“Uh, hi, girls. Is the project going well?” Steve stopped and looked at the books and papers strewn across the table. Grace’s laptop was open in front of her, but the screen had gone dark.
“We’ve barely gotten started, Uncle Steve,” Grace told him, shooting a glare towards the other girls.
Carly and Sara giggled. “Grace is right, Commander,” Carly told him. “We had to get the girl talk out of the way first. You know how it is.” She flipped her long hair over her shoulder and smiled. Did she actually just bat her eyelashes?
Grace’s spirits lifted somewhat when she noticed the horrified looked on her stepfather’s face.
“Oh, well, OK then. You better get to it. I, uh, I need to go,” Steve stammered, before looking at Grace. “Where’s Danno and Charlie? I’m going to go change the oil in the Marquis,” he lifted the bag he was holding. “I thought Charlie might want to help.”
“Dad’s in the kitchen. I think he’s making cannoli. Charlie’s probably in there trying to talk Dad into letting him lick the bowl.”
“Hey, no fair. If Charlie gets to lick the bowl, then I get the spatula.” He detoured towards the kitchen. Sara and Carly’s eyes followed him the whole way.
Grace sighed and reached over to wake up her computer. “Alright. Let’s do some work.”
……
Thirty minutes later, a loud shout and an abruptly cut off curse came from the direction of the garage. Five seconds later the door slammed open and Charlie came running into house yelling, “Daddy, come quick. Uncle Steve had an accident. Hurry, Danno.”
Her father was out of the kitchen and halfway to the garage before Grace could even stand up. She quickly pushed back her chair and raced towards the door, the other two girls hot on her heels. Grace was outraged by what she saw when she entered the garage, any concern for her stepfather’s wellbeing instantly forgotten. Her father’s laughter, Carly’s squeal of delight, and Sara’s quiet, “Oh, my gosh,” did nothing to improve her mood.
“Uncle Steve, you promised. It hasn’t even been two hours.” It took every bit of willpower she had not to stomp her foot like a three-year-old.
“Now Gracie, you know I didn’t do it on purpose. The drain plug was stuck. I needed better leverage, and I somehow ended up directly under the drain when the plug came loose, and the oil started pouring out. I was covered in the stuff. I couldn’t leave my shirt on or the oil would have gotten all over everything.”
Grace glanced over at Carly and Sara who were openly gawking at the sight of her stepfather standing there holding an oil-drenched t-shirt to his bare chest. More oil streaked his face and arms. The look in his eyes pleaded with her to understand. She ignored his silent appeal and instead turned her glare towards her father who was bent over laughing. “Dad, you’re not helping.”
“Sorry, monkey. Here let me…” Stifling his laughter, he reached out and grabbed a rag from the workbench and walked over to Steve. Using two fingers, he took the ruined t-shirt, dropped it on the ground, and began wiping the oil from his husband’s arms and chest.
“Oh, my gosh,” Sara squeaked.
“Lord, have mercy,” Carly uttered, her eyes as wide saucers.
“Ahhhh,” Gracie practically screamed as she threw her hands up in disgust. “You two are unbelievable.” She stormed back into the house. As the door slammed behind her, she muttered to the universe, “How is this my life?”
…..
All was quiet for the rest of the evening … for the most part anyway. Carly and Sara only mentioned seeing her half-naked, oil-covered stepfather a few dozen times. Apparently, his tattoos only added to his “hotness.” Again, their word, not hers. Once Steve had showered and redressed, including a clean long-sleeved shirt, thank heavens, he steered clear of Grace and her classmates as much as possible. Eventually, they quit mentioning the embarrassing episode in the garage. Although, she did notice each of them staring off into space with dreamy expressions on their faces on a few occasions, especially after Charlie explained that Uncle Steve used to be a Navy SEAL. She decided the best course of action was just to ignore them. It helped that her dad cooked one of Grace’s favorite dinners and that Charlie was surprisingly much less annoying than usual. In fact, after they wrapped up their schoolwork for the night, Grace actually had good time with Carly and Sara. She thought the three of them might become friends after all. If the other girls would get over their crushes on her dads, that is.
By the next morning, Grace was almost able to pretend the whole mortifying incident in the garage never happened. She, Carly, and Sara went out to place stakes at the edge of the low-tide line and to gather specimens from the tide pools for their project. They’d gone out the previous evening to stake the high-tide line, so they needed to take measurements to determine the intertidal zone. Her dad was camped out in his chair facing the water, drinking coffee and reading the news on his phone. A towel was on the chair next to him, and Grace knew he was waiting for Uncle Steve to get back from his morning swim. She made a mental note to head back inside before her stepdad’s return. Rash guard or not, Carly and Sara didn’t need to see him coming out of the water like some mythological god of sea. Catching a glimpse of Uncle Steve about a hundred yards out, Grace quickly made an excuse and started herding the girls towards the house before they noticed.
They were almost to the lanai when she heard her father start to yell. She turned in time to see him drop both his phone and his coffee mug while he hopped around trying to pull his shirt over his head.
“Shit! Ahhh! Freaking Hawaiian centipedes! Steven!”
Forgetting about Sara and Carly, Grace raced towards her dad. Centipedes in Hawaii were no joke. They could grow to be up to 12 inches long and nearly an inch wide, and their bites could be excruciating. Her stepfather emerged from the water and rushed to her dad, who was now standing beside his chair pointing towards his discarded t-shirt on the ground.
“Kill it, Steven! Kill it, now.”
“Are you OK, Danny? Did you get bitten? Let me see?” Steve started running his hands over Danny’s chest and back looking for signs of a centipede bite.
Sara’s “oh, my gosh” and Carly’s “this is the best sleepover ever,” were ignored for the moment in Grace’s concern for her father.
“No, I did not get bitten. If I had gotten bitten, you would know it because I’d be screaming my bloody head off.”
“Uh, Danno, you kinda are doing that.” Grace pointed out.
“I’m fine,” he told them. “Just kill the damn centipede, Steve. You married me for better or for worse, and that thing is definitely worse,” he said as he pointed towards the four-inch long centipede crawling on his hastily removed shirt. “And find its partner and kill it too because where there is one there is bound to be another close by.”
Without taking his eyes off his husband, who hadn’t taken his eyes off the centipede, Steve said, “Grace, go get the gardening shears, please, while I try to calm Danno down.”
“I am calm. I just hate those damn things. They look like something out of an old Japanese monster movie.” Still looking at the centipede, he added, “Grace, check on Charlie while you’re up there, please.”
Grace had turned to do as instructed when she noticed Carly and Sara standing behind her watching her shirtless father with identical smiles on their faces.
“Come on you two, there’s nothing to see here.”
“Oh, well, I wouldn’t say that,” Carly told her with a grin. “I’m thoroughly enjoying the view. How ‘bout you, Sara?”
“Oh yeah, definitely. The entertainment isn’t bad either.”
“You know, Grace. Your dad is really cute. I never would have dreamed he looked like that underneath those button-up shirts of his. Both your dads must work out a lot.”
Grace refused to even acknowledge that statement with a response, she simply turned on her heel and headed for the house and the gardening shears. Plus, she needed to grab a new shirt for her dad because she knew he wouldn’t put his t-shirt back on and until he was covered up, Carly and Sara were obviously not moving. Hopefully, she would find a shirt that was long-sleeved and extra-large. She shook her head, why couldn’t she have normal fathers with double chins and middle-aged spread? Her life was so unfair.
……
After the oversized arthropod had been dispatched through the judicious use of the gardening shears, things had pretty much gone back to normal. Danno and Uncle Steve made a huge breakfast and once everyone had eaten their fill, Grace, Carly, and Sara went back to work on their assignment. The project accounted for forty percent of their semester grade, so they were each determined to make an A. Even though there was the occasional interruption for texts, social media, gossip, and little brothers, they got a lot accomplished and were almost done.
While they were hard at work finishing up their project report, her dads were busy squabbling in the kitchen. At one point she heard Danno saying something about grilled SPAM and pineapple sandwiches being an affront to the gastronomic senses and Uncle Steve responding that Danno’s disdain was an insult to both the State and people of Hawaii. In other words, they were enjoying themselves. Their good-natured sparring almost always brought a smile to Grace’s face.
When she noticed Carly and Sara looking worriedly towards the kitchen, she chuckled and told them, “Don’t worry, they’re just kidding around. Uncle Steve says that bickering is my dad’s love language for him.”
“Really? That’s sweet.” Sara smiled as she sat up in her chair and nodded. “Kind of like on TV. You can always tell which couples are going to get together on those shows because it’s the ones who are always arguing with each other.”
“Yeah,” Grace agreed. “My dad and Uncle Steve have been like this since they first met. People used to always ask how long they’d been married and that was before same-sex marriage was even legal in Hawaii. It’s just their thing, I guess,” she shrugged.
“Sounds like they just like to get each other worked up. Like it’s their version of foreplay or something,” Carly said with a smirk.
“Ugh, don’t say things like that. That is not a picture I want in my head every time I hear them bicker.”
“Well from what I’ve seen this weekend, it’s a very nice picture.” Carly waved a hand in front of her face like she was trying to cool herself off. Sara grinned and nodded.
“Shut up and go load some paper in the printer for our report because I’m pretty sure it’s out. The printer is in the study and there should be some paper in one of the desk drawers.”
Grace ignored Carly as she left the table and headed for the study. She was busy making some last second edits before hitting print, so she didn’t notice when Sara stood up to follow the other girl. After sending the report to the printer she pulled out her phone to see what she’d missed in the last hour, so it wasn’t until she heard both girls giggling and shushing each other that she bothered to get up to go see what was taking so long. As she approached John McGarrett’s desk she saw her classmates looking at a calendar Carly was holding. It was the kind of calendar you pin to a bulletin board that has a different picture for every month.
“What’s going on? Haven’t you found the paper yet?”
“No, we didn’t find any paper, but we found something so much better,” Carly grinned while Sara stood wide-eyed with a hand over her mouth as if to stop any sounds that might try to escape.
“What’s so great about a calendar? And who even has paper calendars anymore when everybody has one right there on their phone?”
“Oh, I don’t think your dads are using this one to keep track of birthdays and holidays.” Carly made a point of slowly flipping through the pages. “Nope, not a single date circled anywhere.”
“What are you talking about?” Grace demanded, although she was almost afraid to ask.
“I’m talking about the fact that this calendar is filled with photos of your dads without their shirts on.”
“What?! Let me see.” Grace grabbed the calendar only to be faced with picture after shirtless picture of her dad and stepfather. She turned on her heel and marched to the kitchen waving the offending item. She didn’t notice Carly and Sara follow her out of the study or Charlie hop up from where he was building a LEGO fort on the coffee table. She was on a mission to confront the two men who could embarrass her more easily than any other people in the world.
“What the hell is wrong with the two of you? Are you trying to make my senior year miserable? Not only can’t you keep your clothes on in public, or around my friends, but now you’re posing for calendars? Why would you do that?” Her voice had risen an octave by the end of her tirade.
“Hey, watch your tone, young lady,” her dad scolded as he looked up from the vegetables he was chopping. “And for your information, we did not pose for that calendar. It was Kono’s idea of a joke.”
“Kono did this?” Grace asked, appalled. Then a horrible thought occurred to her. “Oh my god, she isn’t selling them for charity, or something, is she? There aren’t hundreds of these things hanging on people’s walls are there?”
“If they’re for sale, I’ll buy one,” Carly interjected from her position in the doorway.
“Me too,” Sara seconded before dropping her gaze to the floor.
Charlie just stood there looking confused.
Steve walked over, plucked the calendar from Grace’s hand, and flipped through it thoughtfully. “Hey, that’s not a bad idea,” he said. “We could sell these to raise money for the Honolulu Police Relief Association. Maybe add some pictures of Junior and Adam … even Lou. You know, the men of Five-0?”
“Over my dead body,” Grace and Danny said simultaneously.
“What? Why not?” Steve asked. “We look pretty good, if I do say so myself.” He turned the calendar sideways and stared at page before he looked up and smiled. “Danny, that boxing gym you’ve been going to has really paid off.”
The murmured agreement from the peanut gallery was ignored as Grace reached over and grabbed the calendar out of her stepfather’s hand. She made eye contact with everyone in the room before addressing the group.
“Let me make one thing perfectly clear so that there is absolutely no misunderstanding - and you can believe that I’ll be calling Kono later to tell her the same thing. There will be no more copies of this calendar made. There will be no new calendars that include pictures of anyone related to me.” She waved her index finger between her dad and Uncle Steve to emphasize her point before she turned and waved the same finger at Carly and Sara. “And you two … you will not mention this calendar’s existence to anyone. And, you will not talk about how “hot” my dads are. If you do, I will find a way to make your lives a living hell,” she threatened. “Don’t think I won’t.” Finally, she turned to her little brother, “Charlie, you have to back me up on this because in a few years you’re going to be in the same boat ... unless you’re lucky enough that Danno and Uncle Steve have gone to fat by then, that is.”
“OK, Gracie,” Charlie said obediently, although it was obvious that he had no idea what she was talking about.
“Good. Now, we are all agreed ... no one else will ever see or hear about this calendar.”
“But…”
“No! No buts. There are no buts,” Grace stated emphatically. “After today, this” she held up the calendar for everyone to see, “will never be seen or spoken of again.”
“Fine,” Carly conceded. “But for the record, I’m only agreeing to this because I like your dads. Not only do they look damn fine with their shirts off, but they’re nice. Plus, I happen to like you for some strange reason, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed at school. Right, Sara?”
“Of course,” Sara said. The blush on her cheeks proved she knew what if felt like to be embarrassed.
“Thank you. Now, can we find some paper so we can print our report? I’d like to spend the few remaining hours of my weekend on something other than homework.”
As Grace started to usher the other girls out of the kitchen, Steve leaned towards Danny and whispered, “I guess we better not tell her about the Instagram account.”
“What?!” Grace shrieked as Carly and Sara immediately pulled out their phones.
The End.