Chapter Text
Extra author's note: Sorry, I'm putting this in the main text instead of the already-huge author's note because if you're rereading this, you might skip the author's note, but you need to see this because I'm editing this chapter (and the last one)!
I've been meaning to do this for a while now. For the chapters set in Heaven, I had the angels using they/them pronouns, because (as explained in the main A/N) they don't have gender so they only have one pronoun. I was never really happy with that, though, because in my head Enochian would have separate singular and plural pronouns, which you can't do with singular they. But now that I'm studying Mandarin, it has given me a solution!
So in Mandarin, he/she/it is 他/她/它, but all three are pronounced tā (and from what I've read, writing them differently is a fairly new thing). So when someone is speaking, you cannot tell someone's gender from the pronoun. But there is a separate plural - you add 们, pronounced men, so they becomes 他们/她们/它们, all pronounced tāmen.
The possessive (his/hers/its) is pronounced tāde (ta-duh), plural possessive (their) is tāmende (ta-men-duh), and reflexive (himself/herself/itself) is tāzìjǐ (ta-dzz-jee - it's hard to convey the exact pronunciation of the i in zi, but if you just think of it as extending the z instead of a vowel that's close enough).
So! I am editing the chapters set in Heaven to change all gender-neutral pronouns referring to angels to ta/tamen, because this is much closer to how I am imagining their language functioning than they/them. (There is no "them" - you use the same pronouns for subjects and objects, so it's really ta/ta and tamen/tamen.) This feels in line with how I've handled the names of the types of angels, where I used the terms for various entities from all over the world that vaguely fit the definition of "angel" as used here. Once they fall to earth and are human, they'll switch to they/them again until they choose a gender, because they're thinking in human language as soon as they wake up.
Ok, hope that's not too confusing! Thanks for reading/rereading! (If I've missed anything in editing, feel free to let me know.) Side note after editing the chapter: Damn, you don't realize how many pronouns you use until you try to replace them all, lol
Angels weren't designed to lose consciousness, and so Jacquariel doesn't understand what is happening as tade surroundings fade away.
Ta had been working—the thing ta was created to do, nearly the only thing ta does—to perfect the Great Library that holds all of human history (all of every human's history), documented in Enochian on Heavenly scrolls. Humanity is the greatest creation, and angels were created to love and care for it, and so keeping this documentation is vital—not just vital, but sacred. It is a privilege that Jacquariel was given this task. Ta could have been sent to build the dwellings where angels go to meditate, or the thrones the Council sits on to pronounce judgment, or the parks where angels who are inclined to do so (often Guardians who are in between assignments) go to socialize, or any number of Heavenly structures intended for the use of angels and other divine beings. But ta was assigned to help expand and maintain this, one of the most important structures on the angelic side of Heaven. The only higher calling for any of the Bana'im is to build on the other side, where human souls actually reside.
Ta is privileged to work on the Library, and so Jacquariel has never shown anything but the utmost devotion to tade task. Every shelf, every stair, every scroll of moulding across the ceiling, must be the best ta has ever created, better than those that came before.
Ta knows ta has been slipping lately. The staircase leading to tade most recent room is not as glorious as the staircase Aphariel created for the next room over. Aphariel's bannister glimmers and appears to change its engravings depending on the preferences of the angel looking at it; Jacquariel should have thought of that. Ta has never seen a bannister created that way, but ta could have found a way to do it, ta will do it for tade next room, or better, but thanks to tade laziness this one is not quite as good as it could have been.
That's why ta started taking the demonic essence to begin with. Ta had felt tade inspiration fading; tade creations had not been as glorious as they should be. Ta had heard that ingesting demonic essence would help ta focus. Help ta be better. It isn't forbidden, but Jacquariel knows that other angels would look down on ta for it, for being so weak as to need its help.
And it did help, for a while. Ta finished the shelving in that room, and while it wasn't exactly a work of genius or anything worth becoming vain over, it was as good as Aphariel's shelving. The relief that Jacquariel felt at that, at knowing ta was good enough, that ta could still do justice to this most sacred task, was enough to convince ta that the demonic essence was worthwhile.
Ta didn't know that ta would keep needing more and more of it to get the same effect.
And now, ta doesn't know what is happening to ta; ta only knows that Heaven is disappearing around ta. Even when ta meditates, ta has never closed all of tade eyes at once—but that is what happens.
When ta regains consciousness, ta is in a very plain room. Then a Seraph is in the room with ta.
"You are… awake." The word sits as uncomfortably in the Seraph's mouth as the concept sits in Jacquariel's mind. It isn't a word applied to angels often, because usually there is no alternative. "I will notify the Council."
Jacquariel wants to ask what happened to ta, how ta got here, but the Seraph is gone before ta can respond. The Council of Dominions. Of course. Ta is being brought before the Council because ta hasn't performed tade job as well as ta should; worse, ta has used demonic essence to hide that fact and pretend ta is a normal, capable angel when ta should have faced the consequences of tade imperfection long ago.
Ta waits.
Eventually, the Seraph is there again. "The Council will see you now." The Seraph wraps a wing around Jacquariel and suddenly tamen are in a different room. It leaves Jacquariel feeling a little disoriented; as the Bana'im have no wings, it's always strange when an angel of a winged Order transports ta.
Ta looks around and sees that ta is in a holding pen to one side of the Council's trial room. Jacuqariel is not the one on trial yet, though. Another angel—a Guardian, all fire and ice swirling around wings and a single ever-changing but vaguely human face—is standing before the Council of five Dominions.
"Bittiel," the Head of the Council says in a voice that is booming and gentle all at once, "you have faithfully fulfilled your duties as a Guardian for centuries. You are before us today because, for the first time, you have failed in your duty."
Bittiel frowns. "I did not fail, Your Honor. I chose to show mercy."
"Did you?" another Dominion asks. "Is it truly mercy to not allow a human soul to enter Heaven when it is time?"
"It can be!" Bittiel exclaims, tade fire burning brightly and tade ice swirling faster. Jacquariel is taken aback. "Human life is so beautiful, so precious. I understand that their life in Heaven will be even more so, but this human wasn't ready for that! She was so young, only a child, and she loved her life so much and gave so much of herself to everyone around her. I have helped so many children pass, knowing what awaits them on the other side, but just this once I thought she might be happier remaining on earth a while longer."
"And if the Siming reschedule her entry to Heaven, and you still believe she hasn't had enough time?" the Head asks. "Will you continue to delay her entry until you have decided she has been on earth long enough? What if she continues to love life and give of herself just as much as she has been? Would you make her immortal?"
"Well…" Bittiel's flames flicker with uncertainty. "Well, no, of course not. Most humans aren't as joyful and altruistic as she is, especially as adults, but I know well enough that if we took even just those who were and made them immortal, eventually the earth would become overpopulated and all of humanity would suffer."
"Do you believe that is the only reason we do not allow humans immortality?" A third Dominion, who had been sitting to the side, asks quietly.
"Of course not," Bittel says. "Their life in Heaven will surpass everything on earth, I know that. But there is so much for them to experience on earth that they will never experience again once they have left! It pains me every time I must take a soul away from that, but I do it anyhow because I know that I must. But some humans are given so little time there. It isn't fair. Surely we could stop taking them so young, at least. Aside from the overpopulation, which we could control in other ways, how can it possibly benefit them?"
"We understand," the Head of the Council says. "Please go to the waiting area so that we may hear our next case."
Bittiel moves toward the pen Jacquariel is being held in, looking confused. Jacquariel is as well—is Bittiel's mistake to be excused? Why would ta have to wait here if it were, but why would the Council not sentence ta immediately if it weren't?
"Jacquariel," the Head of the Council calls. Jacquariel leaves the pen as Bittiel enters it. For just a moment, Jacquariel's eyes catch on the beauty of the other angel's bright, angry fire, but it is not something for ta to dwell on. Not when the Council is waiting.
When Jacquariel is standing in front of the Council, the Head asks, "Do you know why you have been called before us?"
Jacquariel thinks it strange that tamen announced Bittiel's charges but want ta to do it taziji—perhaps to further shame ta for a failure that is surely worse than Bittiel's.
"I, too, have failed," ta begins. "My works have not been up to the expected standard of divine perfection for some time now. And instead of coming before the Council and facing up to that, I chose to ingest demonic essence so that I could hide my shortcomings."
The Council is quiet for a moment.
"That is what you believe?" asks the quiet Dominion in the corner.
"Yes?" It comes out as question, so Jacquariel tries again. "Yes. Helping to build the Great Library is a privilege, and I have shown myself unworthy of it. I am here so that I can be punished for my failings and for my misguided attempt to hide them."
The Council is quiet once again. Finally, one of the Council who hasn't spoken yet moves forward.
"You are here," ta begins, more gently than Jacquariel deserves, "because the Council is concerned about your safety. Angels do not die often or easily, and when it does happen it is a great tragedy. You have become dependent on the demonic essence not only to work, but to function, and you ingested so much that you came very close to death. You are here because we need to help you break your dependence on this dangerous elixir before Heaven loses you."
Jacquariel doesn't understand what the Dominion means. Ta knows that the Council decides on many aspects of angelic life, not only punishment for wrongdoing, but ta has done wrong.
"But I have failed in my duty as much as Bittiel," ta insists, motioning to the angel now sequestered in the pen. "And without the demonic essence, I will fail again. Surely I deserve punishment as much as ta does."
"We have not said that Bittiel is to be punished," the Head of the Council says. Jacquariel can see that Bittiel is as confused as ta is. "What do you mean when you say you have failed in your duty?"
"My job is to expand and maintain the Great Library, keeping it up to the standard of divine perfection," Jacquariel says. "My recent creations have not been up to that standard."
"Who told you that your recent creations were not up to the standard of divine perfection?" the quiet Dominion asks.
Jacquariel stares at the Council, tade many eyes taking in the five Dominions, trying to figure out what the Council wants from ta.
"Nobody had to tell me. It's clear," ta says. "The creations of the other angels working on the Library have clearly outshone mine, to a degree I am ashamed to admit!"
"You have been working on the Library for millennia, have you not?" the Head of the Council asks.
"Yes," Jacquariel says, "and it is only recently that I have been slipping. I am no longer worthy of the job."
"So surely you know that your creations are not judged against those of the other angels," the Head continues.
Jacquariel isn't sure what ta is getting at. "Not officially, no, but I can see it. I have been doing this job long enough that I—"
"You have been doing this job so long," a Dominion cuts in, "that perhaps you have lost sight of your true purpose. What you have created is perfect because you have created it. You are a Banah, all of Heaven has been built by your kind, and all of Heaven is divine perfection. Every room you add to the library is unique, as is every room added by another Banah, and all are divine. All are perfect. You cannot create the same room another angel would create, and that is part of the divine perfection of the Library."
Jacquariel stands in silence. The Council doesn't seem to understand. Ta is not explaining taziji properly; if ta was, the Council would understand how subpar tade work on the Library is, would understand that ta has failed in tade duty. Ta has no way to know how long ta was unconscious; perhaps there is no more demonic essence within ta, and that is why ta is being so slow and stupid and—
"We will return shortly," the Head's voice suddenly booms, and in an instant, Jacquariel is alone in the room with Bittiel. Ta does not go back to the pen, and Bittiel does not come out of it, likely just as loathe to do anything ta hasn't been commanded to do as Jacquariel. Tamen look at each other uneasily.
Surely Bittiel will receive a brief punishment. Ta made a single mistake, and one that, no matter what hypotheticals the Council can come up with, will likely be easily corrected by the Siming. Jacquariel's work, on the other hand, has been going downhill for years, and at this point ta is not even sure how long ta has been relying on the demonic essence to cover it up. Surely even if the Council denies the first point, tamen cannot deny the second. Tamen will likely demote Jacquariel to building something of less significance, less importance. Less grandeur. Something ta will not ruin with tade diminished skills.
Jacquariel does not have long to consider tade fate before suddenly the Council is back.
"Bittiel," the Head commands, "please join Jacquariel so that we may give you our rulings."
Momentarily, Bittiel is by Jacquariel's side.
"Bittiel," the Head says again, "the Council believes that while you see the many beauties of human life, you do not understand that its fragility is an important part of what gives it value. As an immortal being, you do not fully appreciate that a life that may end at any moment is a life that is to be cherished. To help you understand this, you are to spend one human lifetime living on earth, fallen."
Bittiel's eyes widen. Ta does not look as upset at this sentence as Jacquariel would expect, only surprised. Tade ice shines slightly more brightly, as though ta may even be excited at the prospect.
The Head of the Council turns to Jacquariel.
"Jacquariel. You have, tragically, demonstrated that angelic life can sometimes be fragile as well, if not as much so as humanity. The demonic essence must be fully cleansed from your system so that you can return to your work, building the Library to Heavenly perfection, hopefully to understand the perfection of your own creations. You, too, will spend one lifetime fallen on earth, which should be enough time for the demonic essence to be purged so that when you return to your angelic form you will be healthy and ready to continue your work on the Library."
This is not one of the punishments Jacquariel imagined. "Surely there are other ways I can be denied access to the demonic essence," ta says. "Earth seems a strange punishment for my inadequacy."
"This is not a punishment," the Head says, sounding confused, "for either of you. You have both made mistakes, but punishment would not help you correct those mistakes."
"Then why would you send me to earth?" Jacquariel asks. "To live as a human? Surely when I come back I will only be worse at my job than ever, especially without the essence?"
Ta will only end up back here, having to answer again for tade shabby additions to the Library.
"Why do you think that spending time as a human would render you less able to create a building worthy of documenting their history?" the quiet Dominion asks.
Jacquariel sputters. "For one thing, I will simply be out of practice. But I cannot see how living as an imperfect being could possibly help me create perfection!"
The Council does not answer. Instead, all goes black. Again.
When Jacquariel awakes, they are breathing. They are lying down, and the ground beneath them is firm in a way that Heaven is not. They push themself to a sitting position, and their body is all wrong. One face with only two eyes to look around with, two arms to push with, ten fingers to create with. How do humans stand it?
They look up, and next to them is what appears to be a blonde man who looks just as confused. But as Jacquariel frowns, the blonde man's face breaks out in a smile.