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It was a chilly Wednesday evening in Seoul. Fall was creeping up fast as one could easily tell by the rustling leaves outside being swept up by a sharp breeze. They were carried through still bustling streets all the way to the outskirts of town, where one particular house was also still buzzing with activity.
Bowls clattered on hard wood as Namjoon set the table, trying to joke with Yoongi, who had just been woken up from his nap by the delicious smell of Seokjin’s cooking. The three boys were casually chatting, while waiting for the others to join them for dinner.
The band had had most of the day off, so everyone had decided to indulge in their hobbies. In the end it had gotten quite late and it was already past ten p.m. when the eldest put the steaming pot of Jajangmyeon on the table.
“Guys, get your asses down here, dinner’s ready,” Seokjin shouted loudly and Yoongi grimaced.
“You sound like such a mom,” the smaller boy teased the other, as he took his seat at the table.
“Oi, don’t be such a brat to your lovely hyung, who was kind enough to cook dinner for you.”
Seokjin lightly hit the back of Yoongi’s head with his palm when the rapper muttered something about making it worse. Namjoon just chuckled at the exchange and nodded at Hoseok who raced around the corner, eyes and smile wide on his face.
“Oh Jin-hyung, this smells amazing. I’m starving,” he exclaimed, his eyes sparkling.
“We are too; save some for us,” Jungkook's voice could suddenly be heard from the hallway.
He turned up with Taehyung right behind him, both still glistening with sweat. They had just come up from the improvised gym in the basement, and hadn’t had the chance to shower yet.
“We worked hard for it,” the older of the two then added with a wink and a boxy smile as he quickly grabbed Hoseok’s already full bowl and exchanged it with his own empty one.
The other sighed loudly, but still sported a smile that betrayed his fake annoyance. They were all still bickering and loading up their bowls, ready to dig in after a long but fun day.
“So where’s Jiminie anyway, we shouldn’t start without him,” Hoseok asked, glancing at the only empty seat left.
“What do you mean, isn’t he in your room,” Namjoon asked back in confusion, but the boy’s roommate just shook his head no.
“I haven’t seen him at all since we got back, and I’ve been up in our room basically all day. I thought he was out doing something with you guys.”
Nervous muttering started up around the table as everyone chimed in, no one having seen Jimin since the early afternoon hours.
“Let’s just call him then. He probably just forgot the time,” Yoongi suggested calmly, his hands already phishing for the phone in his pocket.
The table fell silent as they waited for an answer to the faint ring, but to no avail. After a while the mailbox started up with Jimin’s sweet voice asking the caller to leave a message.
“Yo, Jiminie, where are you? Everything alright? Please call back when you hear this, we’re all waiting for you.”
Yoongi ended the call with a click and looked around the stern faces of his friends.
“So what now,” Tae asked with a frown.
“Should we call the police,” Jin suggested hurriedly, his brows drawn together in thought.
He knew full well of the unsettling mood his sentence carried, but it just wasn’t like Jimin to simply disappear on them like that. You could clearly feel everyone getting restless at the thought.
“Let’s just stay calm for a second and think things through,” Namjoon intercepted. “We all know Jimin wasn’t really at his best these last few months, maybe he needed a breather. Calling the police on him right away wouldn’t really help with that, now would it?”
The leader could see in the others' sinking faces that they all knew what he was referring to. Lately Jimin had seemed different. The usually energetic and bubbly boy had started walking always a step behind the rest of the group. His smiles didn’t lessen in frequency, but they barely reached his eyes anymore. He was eating less, sleeping less and didn’t even randomly break out in dance anymore. Of course there had been better and worse days, but overall he just wasn’t the same Jimin and it had started to worry the group immensely.
Namjoon had tried to bring it up with him once, but Jimin denied everything and quickly fled the conversation to take a bath. Namjoon could have sworn to have heard faint, high pitched sobs over the running water through the bathroom door, so he decided not to pressure the young boy any further.
Instead he then talked to the other members about the occurrence and asked them to take extra good care of Jimin from then on. And so they did.
They made sure he ate properly when they could. Someone always made sure to fall back a bit to walk and chat with him. They hugged him extra tightly, pet him more often and made sure to praise him a lot, but somehow he still seemed kind of far away.
The whole ordeal had started just over two months ago and now, sitting around the table without him, they all looked down, wondering whether they could have done more to make the boy feel loved.
“No use in moping around,” Hoseok suddenly broke the heavy silence. “We should go look for him instead! For all we know he could just be somewhere in this house, laying on the floor sleeping.”
“True enough,” Seokjin quickly agreed, eager to at least do something. “Let’s split up. Yoongi, you keep trying his phone. Namjoon, you call around, see if any of the staff know where he could be. Try not to alarm anyone though, or he might get in trouble.”
Both boys nodded quickly and the smaller one was already re-dialing Jimin’s number, while Jin kept organizing the small search party.
“The rest of us look around the house. I’ll take the garden, Hoseok you go upstairs, Jungkook and Tae, you search the rest.“
Everyone jumped from their seats into action; everyone but Jungkook who still sat there, his face betraying that he was deep in thought. His head hung low and he was nervously biting his lip, which made Tae stop and turn back to the youngest. He squeezed a strong shoulder and bent down next to him.
“What’s wrong? We should get going.”
Jungkook looked up at him through thick lashes and sighed loudly.
“I think I have a hunch where he might have gone,” he suddenly revealed.
“WHAT? But then we should-“
Jungkook quickly put his hands over the other’s mouth to shush him.
“Be quiet. I don’t want the others to know. I feel like right now Jimin-ssi wouldn’t appreciate the whole bunch to go and smother him.”
Tae thought about it, but he knew that when it came to Jimin, Jungkook was the person who probably understood him best, so he tried not to question it.
“Alright, do what you have to do, we just need to know he’s safe for now… When you say ‘gone’ you’re saying you don’t think he’s home, right?”
Jungkook nodded quickly.
“I’ll just go look for him and text you as soon as I know anything. Thank you for trusting me on this.”
The boys shared a determined look, before Tae pushed Jungkook towards the stairs for him to get his keys.
On the way back down Jungkook bumped right into Hoseok, whose eyes immediately fell on the keychain dangling from the other’s slender fingers.
Jungkook’s eyes widened as he hid his hand behind his back and tried to think of what to say, but it was too late.
Surprisingly the look Hoseok gave him was neither surprised, nor questioning, but rather knowing as he gave the younger a small smile.
“You think he’s at the practice rooms, right?”
The taller boy nodded dumbfoundedly, not sure how the other could have known about his intentions. Hoseok understood the silent question and cocked his head to the side.
“I’m still his roommate and we’re both dancers you know. We might not have what you to have, but I get him quite well. And don’t worry; I know that he doesn’t need us there right now, but he needs you. You should go,” Hoseok rambled quietly; taking every word Jungkook could have said out of his mouth.
“Thanks, hyung,” the maknae sighed and pulled the other into a quick hug before turning on his heels and heading for his car.
Even in the midst of this mess he allowed himself to feel happy to hear that he was apparently considered grounding enough for Jimin, because all he ever wanted was to be there for the older members and return all their kindness – especially when it came to his youngest hyung.
He was still deep in thought when he heard Hoseok’s voice call after him once more.
“Take some dinner with you. I’m sure he can use it.”
“Right, I will. Thanks again, hyung. I’ll text or call as soon as I know anything,” he promised before finally jumping down the stairs to pick up some of the untouched dinner, just shortly afterwards speeding down the dark streets towards the company building.
He parked his car in the garage as usual and pulled out his ID to show the night guard. Only three other cars were still there, seeing as it was way past eleven at this point. After once more confirming his identity with the security guard at the door, he was buzzed into the building and quickly ran up several flights of stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator, too anxious to get to Jimin.
He didn’t let himself think about the possibility of the other not being there, because somehow he just knew that he would. Jungkook always prided himself on knowing Jimin best and many late night conversations and daytime chatters had given him an understanding of the dancer clearly surpassing that of the other members. Being with Jimin, knowing him, had become intuition to him at this point, so when he took a second to catch his breath at the end of the stairs, he was all the more surprised to see not a single light in any of the practice rooms. Doors were littered left and right of the long corridor in front of him, but all the little viewing windows were still dark.
Doubt came creeping up on him, but he still walked along with slow steps, hurriedly looking around. He had already pulled out his phone to check whether the other’s had found out anything, when he stopped dead in his tracks.
There, from the very last door he could hear muffled sounds. The practice rooms were pretty soundproof and at any other busy time of the day he wouldn’t have heard a thing.
When Jungkook stepped closer to the door, mouth opened lightly in concentration, spikes of an aggressive piano piece reached his ears, broken only by lout sobs.
The thought of Jimin crying all alone in this huge dark room already tore at his heart when he carefully opened the door to pitch darkness. Startled by the sudden intrusion Jimin let out a loud gasp and stopped his sobs.
“Who’s there,” the smaller boy asked weakly over the music.
“It’s me,” Jungkook simply answered, knowing the other would recognize his voice easily. “Can I turn on the lights?”
When the only answer he got was a surprised murmur of his name, his fingers quickly flipped the switch nearby, filling the space with harsh fluorescence.
His eyes adjusted quickly and when he spotted Jimin crouching in the far corner, knees pulled up tightly to his chest, he immediately rushed over, dropping on his knees beside him.
The blonde’s eyes were wide, but already red and puffy from crying, his lips swollen from his habit of nervously biting them when he got stressed.
Jungkook’s mind was wiped of anything he could have said in that moment, so he quickly dropped the bag with leftover dinner and wrapped his strong arms around Jimin, pulling him against his chest. Almost automatically the dancer’s arms wrapped around his middle and all tension fled from his mind as he started crying loudly against the warm body.
Jungkook tightened his grasp on the small form and tucked the other’s head underneath his own. His heart ached at the sight of his desperate hyung. Heavy sobs wrecked through his petite form like an earthquake while sharp nails dug through the thin material of Jungkook’s shirt, clinging onto the younger boy as if for dear life.
Neither knew how long they stayed like that with Jungkook rocking them back and forth, a small effort to calm the other down. As much as he wished that he could stop the tears from running, the younger also felt that he shouldn’t take this from Jimin. For someone as sensitive as him, it would certainly be almost cleansing to get all the frustration out, especially now that he would know he wasn’t alone in this.
The thought helped the younger one to be patient. Knowing that he was finally able to offer something; some kind of support in an ugly fight against Jimin’s own demons and in that moment he vowed to never feel so helpless anymore as he did these past couple months.
Even if it meant holding him through his cries every night from now on, Jimin had suffered enough alone and Jungkook wanted to be there for him until the tears turned into one of his beautiful smiles again.
His determined thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating in his back pocket and he suddenly realized that he still had to tell the other members that he had found Jimin. That had fled his mind completely the second he had set his eyes on the troubled boy.
He quickly pulled out his phone with one hand, the other one still soothingly rubbing over Jimin’s back. His display was lit up with the face of Hoseok, who was calling him. He declined the call, thinking that Jimin wouldn’t appreciate a call right now and instead just typed out a short text telling his hyung that he had found Jimin and that they shouldn’t wait up but he would bring him home later.
When he focused back on the boy in front of him swollen eyes were looking up at him. Jimin’s cries had died down, seemingly being pulled back to reality by Jungkook’s texting, but silent tears were still streaming down his porcelain face.
“Who was that,” he asked quietly, already having a hunch of what the answer would be.
“Hoseok-hyung. I kind of forgot to text him that you’re here and they’re all worrying about you,” Jungkook admitted, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head.
Jimin looked down on his lap, a guilty expression on his face.
“I’m sorry for making you all worry. I just really needed to be alone and I hadn’t realized how late it’s gotten. I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. That’s not important right now, or ever. What’s important is that you’ll be okay,” Jungkook assured him, squeezing his shoulders. He was being completely earnest in his resolve and the softness of his tone caused fresh tears to spill out of beautiful brown eyes.
“Let me take care of you for once,” Jungkook added with a sweet smile, slightly petting the mop of blond hair. Jimin even returned the smile, for the first time in weeks feeling a bit lighter.
He wanted to stand up to turn down the music a little, so they could talk more easily, but he stumbled on the way up and dropped to his knees once more, looking startled. Concern immediately clouded Jungkook’s eyes as he scooted closer.
“Everything alright, Jimin-ssi?”
The smaller smirked at the honorific and nodded slowly.
“Yeah, guess I’m just dizzy.”
“You haven’t eaten today, have you,” the young boy asked knowingly, almost a scolding edge to his voice and the guilty look the other shot him was answer enough. “Good thing you have such a great dongsaeng, who brought dinner.”
Jungkook exaggerated, trying to lighten the mood, but Jimin truly felt like the other boy was a gift. It was so easy to be with him, the boys having become really close before the elder had started shutting himself off. Jimin found himself longing for the old days again, when there was less worry and more fun on his mind, and he felt like maybe they could start with that again in that moment.
He closed his eyes in appreciation as he smelled the food Jungkook had pulled out of the discarded bag.
“Did Seokjin-hyung cook this,” he asked, his mouth watering at the sight when a large Tupperware was pushed towards him.
“Yes he did, so eat up. You know he doesn’t like leftovers.”
“Thank you Jungkookie,” Jimin broke the comfortable silence first as they continued munching on their dinner. “Honestly. I thought I needed to be alone, and maybe I did, but I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come around.”
The sentiment surprised Jungkook, who hadn’t expected Jimin to want to talk about it.
“Always, Jimin-ah. I’ll always be there for you,” the younger replied shyly, a slight blush rising on his cheeks. “Don’t be afraid to come talk to me from now on, alright?”
“I wasn’t afraid per-se. I didn’t want to burden you with my stupid thoughts. We’ve been over this so many times, but somehow lately it’s just been worse. There’s like a hole settled in my stomach just constantly sucking the life out of me, making it hard to breathe.”
The younger one gulped at the description, his frown deepening as he reached one hand out to place it on a narrow shoulder in silent support.
“I haven’t found a way to make it stop until now, so I thought if I just could rid myself of the reason behind it, those feelings would go away eventually. I felt like no matter what I did, how hard I’d train, I would never be good enough. And I just can’t get out of my head, so I trained harder and harder, but it never stopped. I’ll never be there though. I will never reach a point that will put me to rest. I will never be enough like that.”
Jimin’s voice broke at the word enough, as if it held all the weight for him in this horrible scenario. The black haired boy could only imagine how hard it must be for him, when the very thing that used to motivate you turned into such a curse.
“You are –“ Jungkook started lowly, but was quickly interrupted again by the blonde.
“I know what you want to say and I know it. My brain knows that I am good enough and that I don’t need to prove it with a diet or extra training or anything. It’s just that my heart isn’t there yet and lately my heart seemed to win more often than not.”
A sad smile spread over the smaller boy’s beautiful features as he thought about the loneliness that had become his constant companion. Obviously he had the members, who were amazing to him and took such good care of him, never a serious bad word about him, but when you were the one pressuring yourself that hadn’t really seemed to matter. Not until now. Not until Jungkook had burst in on him at his weakest and pulled him out of his darkest place.
“I’ll try to be better from now on, I promise. I can’t swear to never slip again, but I’ll try my damn hardest,” Jimin stated, determination in his voice. “I’ve had a lot of time to think today and even though I can’t solve this whole mess in a day, I’ll work on it every day. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
His voice faded at the last sentence, but Jungkook still glanced at him proudly.
“Don’t promise me that, promise yourself. Promise yourself to be better. We’ll be there to help every step of the way of course,” he assured the boy once more and he knew that he could swear that for the other members as well without having to think twice about it.
“When have you gotten so grown up, my sweet little Jungkookie,” Jimin suddenly sighed loudly and chuckled a little, leaning over to rest his head on the other’s shoulder and ruffled his small hand through Jungkook’s black locks.
A comfortable silence settled over the pair as they finished their dinner.
“Thank you for the food. Do we have to go home now,” Jimin asked carefully, putting away their used bowls and standing up to stretch out his legs for the first time in hours.
Jungkook looked up at him curiously. Jimin’s eyes were still swollen from the crying, making them look really small in addition to the dark rings under them that stood out glaringly against his pale skin. His blond hair was a mess and matted with dried sweat from the hard training he had probably done before.
“Don’t you want to? We don’t have to, if that doesn’t make you comfortable. I just thought you might be exhausted.”
“I am,” he answered truthfully. “But I wouldn’t be able to sleep right now anyways.”
“Then what do you want to do instead? Maybe talk a bit more?”
Jimin just shook his head no as he leaned down to grab Jungkook’s tattooed hand and pull him up to his feet.
“Dance. I want to dance. I feel so much lighter now than I did before. Will you dance with me?”
Jungkook was taken aback by the request, but honestly he should have expected it. Jimin always preferred talking with his whole body rather than his words.
He looked at the smaller boy, face already split by a sudden smile so big that his eyes had disappeared. God how he had missed that smile. Also he was powerless in the face of it. There was almost nothing he wouldn’t have done to protect the boy’s happiness in that moment, so he simply nodded as he returned the smile truthfully.
“What do you want to dance then?”
Jimin shrugged his shoulders at the question.
“Nothing in particular. Freestyle I guess. I’d just love for you to dance next to me, I don’t know why,” he answered with a softer smile this time.
Of course Jimin knew why, he just didn’t know how to say it without it sounding weird. Jungkook had become a pillar of strength for the older boy. He found himself leaning on him more than what was usual for a hyung. But he couldn’t find it in himself to care and the younger didn’t seem to mind that much either. They had always been there for each other when things got hard. Jimin didn’t even know if he had made it as far without a complete mental breakdown without him by his side.
He relied on the other members heavily too, as they did with him, but somehow only Jungkook seemed to give him exactly what he needed. Knew just what he should and could say in Jimin’s worst moments. Jimin was beyond baffled by the feel of the black haired boy, especially considering he had grown up in a brutal industry, always chasing a bigger stage, a bigger dream.
That thought only made him more grateful for Jungkook, as he too vowed to protect him from life’s harshness as best as he could. Somehow he knew it would always be like this. They would always stand back to back against the bad days, hard times, crazy schedules and insane expectations threatening to crush them.
Jimin took small steps over to his cellphone. He had it muted and only then saw 63 missed calls from Yoongi and a flood of messages by the other members. He was conflicted. His heart swelled a little at the concern and care for him, but he also felt so incredibly guilty for worrying them like that. For the moment though he decided to lay those thoughts aside. He would deal with that when he got back home.
He quickly picked a song, his fingers not hesitating when he found just the right song to fit his mood. He flipped a switch to dim the lights just before Jessie J’s ‘Masterpiece’ started playing loudly from the speakers and he flashed a small smile at Jungkook, before he joined him on the spacious floor.
This wasn’t really a song the younger would usually dance to if he had the choice, but for Jimin he’d do it in a heartbeat. He was distracted though as he started moving to the music carefully. His eyes were glued to Jimin who had started forcefully yet gracefully.
Obviously they had seen each other dance countless times. Hours upon hours they had spent in these very practice rooms, but always with a goal in mind. Always a choreography to learn or create. Always controlled. The dancer he saw in front of him in that moment was far from everything he had ever experienced Jimin like.
Brown eyes watched in awe as the older boy lost himself in the strong music. Jimin’s eyes were closed as he met every beat with his body. Jungkook loved dancing, but he realized quickly that this was another level.
The other boy didn’t just dance anymore. His heart pumped blood to a rhythm. He breathed music, lived in the movement that seemed to come so natural to him; the result of immeasurable passion and years of excruciating training. All of this just for three minutes of expressing himself, of talking about his feelings without saying a single word.
Somehow Jungkook found it unfair. That the very thing that made him that good of a dancer and also friend – his deep and complex emotions – would also be the thing that tore him down the most. But he could also clearly a new spark in his dancing. Maybe it was just the way the other lifted his blond head at every pull, but somehow he found hope in the dance. Hope and determination to leave a shitty mindset behind and finally get better.
The music died down and all you could hear was Jimin’s hard breathing as his face was still turned up towards the ceiling. It was the first time he had looked truly content in weeks as he let himself fall to the ground, all four limps spread out on the floor.
“That felt good,” he simply commented. “I need to come here more often after closing hours.”
“Do you feel better now,” Jungkook asked as he plopped down on the floor too, locking eyes with the other boy. Gone was the desperation from before, instead replaced with a calm expression beneath the still present tear streaks.
“Yes, very. Thank you again for coming here for me, Jungkookie. I really needed someone to pull me out of my thoughts.”
Jungkook scooted closer and rested his head on Jimin’s spread out arm and Jimin made quick work to wrap himself around the larger body, relishing in the comfort of the warm touch. They stayed like that for a little while, until Jungkook could see thick eyelashes fluttering shut, exhaustion finally catching up to the dancer after he had calmed down.
“Ready to go home?”
Jimin just nodded against Jungkook’s muscular chest, but didn’t open his eyes or move a single muscle. The younger boy chuckled and pulled the other boy to his feet before they packed their stuff and made their way back home.
Home, where five boys were still patiently waiting in the living room. The TV was silently running in the background, but everyone was lost in their thoughts as they worried about the missing pair. Jungkook had texted earlier, but they were still anxious, not knowing what had actually happened for Jimin to just disappear on them.
When there was a sound of a key turning in the lock of the front door, several heads snapped up in expectation. Jungkook came in first, Jimin’s bag slung over his shoulder. Five pairs of eyes followed worriedly, as Jimin appeared behind him, eyes almost closed from sleepiness, his small hand disappearing in Jungkook’s larger one as he was led inside, too tired to really find the way alone easily.
“Jiminie!”
The call was so synchronized that one could have thought they had practiced it these last few hours. Jimin jumped at the sudden noise and when his drowsiness had disappeared enough for him to fully process the situation, he was already surrounded by the other boys, crushing him in the midst of an unforgiving group hug. Even Yoongi had joined in, too relieved for a moment to care about his usually deceivingly uncaring demeanor.
A mix of inquiries reached Jimin’s ears, but with five people talking over each other he couldn’t make out the questions anymore. His own brown eyes met Jungkook’s once more, who warmly smiled at the scene before him. He had stayed back, giving the other’s the chance to smother the smallest with their affection too.
“I’m sorry for worrying you guys,” he said loudly, trying to get everyone to hear him.
He was met with another wave of reassuring words, everyone telling him that it was fine, as long as he was okay.
Maybe he wasn’t yet, but he certainly would be. He was sure of it as he looked around him and was finally able to soak up the love he was given by his best friends.
A giggle then broke through his lips and the group smiled; the sound feeling like the first drop of rain after two months of drought.