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A young man stands in his living room. It just so happens that today is… not any particular day of importance. Then again, there aren’t many days of importance on EARTH C, the world that this young man has earned the right to call home. Though, it is of note that this particular day is not quite as irrelevant as the average day of your life. Today is the day that YOU, JOHN EGBERT, reunite with an old friend. This reunion would not be as poignant if not for the fact that the friend in question is VRISKA SERKET, who very recently FELL DOWN TO THE EARTH FROM FUCKING SPACE. Your astronautical friend will be with you in PROBABLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES. What do you do?
> Check surroundings.
You’re currently in the living room of your HOUSE, which is the same house that you have lived in since your CHILDHOOD. The walls, once lined with FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS and CUNNING JOKESTERS, now find themselves covered in MOVIE POSTERS, often featuring OLD EX-CONS WITH BIG HEARTS. Except the HALLWAY CERA. You could never bear to take down the HALLWAY CERA.
Looking at YOURSELF, you find yourself wearing your GOD TIER CLOTHING, which you earned by DYING ON YOUR QUEST BED. You don’t like to think about DYING ON YOUR QUEST BED, however, because it’s VERY FUCKED UP. So they end up just kind of being FUNNY PAJAMAS to you.
> ==>
You spend PROBABLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES shitting around your house and looking at your clothing.
VRISKA: John!
You actually get
VRISKA: JOHN!
so invested in fiddling with one of your COLLECTIBLE NICHOLAS CAGE VINYL FIGURINES that you don’t even notice when-
VRISKA: JOOOOOOOOHN!
VRISKA: Sweet fucking Sufferer, John, did you go deaf in the…
VRISKA: Seven???????? years since I’ve last seen you?
VRISKA: Wait, I actually don’t know how long human lifespans are. You honestly might 8e able to go deaf by your a-
JOHN: i can hear you fine, vriska! hello!
VRISKA: See, there’s the warm welcome I was w8ing for!
VRISKA: Was that so hard?
JOHN: no, but you didn’t have to yell! god. gods?
JOHN: i can’t say “me”, that’s stupid.
VRISKA: I just swear off the god-8ased vernacular entirely. Can you imagine if i called myself a god while I guided you around? That would 8e a disaster, haha!
JOHN: yeah, i can’t imagine following around someone who talks about them selves like that, ha ha.
VRISKA: Haha, yeah.
You and Vriska sit there awkwardly, for a few moments. Neither of you really know what to say, it seems. Think of something, come on…
JOHN: so!
JOHN: how, uhh… have you been?
Lame.
VRISKA: Oh, gr8!
VRISKA: I 8arely got out of that shattered hellhole alive, and you can imagine my chagrin at the surprise crash-landing.
VRISKA: And then I spent several months in a cringe-ass coma! So I’m gr8!
VRISKA: How a8out you?
JOHN: oh, me?
JOHN: i’ve been, uhh…
JOHN: kinda just hanging out at my house? talking to salamanders and all that.
JOHN: you know, normal winner stuff!
VRISKA: That’s it?
JOHN: yep! there isn’t really much left to do, yeah?
VRISKA: ...No, that sucks.
JOHN: what???
VRISKA: Do you… really think that winners just stop 8eing good at shit when they’ve won????????
VRISKA: Jimminy fucking Christmas, are all 8reath players this wimpy???????? Or did I just get unlucky twice?
VRISKA: Honestly, considering my track record I wouldn’t dou8t that.
VRISKA: I’ve pro8a8ly still got a couple 8roken 8-8alls to pay for.
JOHN: so i’m not allowed to just… be?
JOHN: i don’t have any big fight left to fight! there’s nobody to push me to action anymore! what’s the point?
VRISKA: …Is that what this is a8out? Are you serious?
VRISKA: So, John. No more point, huh? No 8ig 8oss left to tell you what to do?
JOHN: yeah, pretty much.
JOHN: i mean, it’s not like i could get much done on my own…
VRISKA: Says who?
JOHN: says me! i couldn’t even fix the time line if i didn’t have terezi’s help, and then there was all the stuff with you…
JOHN: you helped me a lot, vriska! and i don’t know how i could match up to something like that.
VRISKA: …
VRISKA: I think you’re underestim8ing yourself, John.
VRISKA: Out of all of the wimps I’ve helped through my storied and legendary career, you are 8y far the one with the most potential!
VRISKA: I would know! I used to 8e that wimp, John!
VRISKA: 8ut I fought my way out, tooth and nail, and look at me now!
VRISKA: I killed a fucking INVINCI8LE GOD!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: You could 8e as gr8 as I am, John. You just need a little push!
VRISKA: Try to look 8ack at your experiences. Remem8er how you got here.
VRISKA: Tell me what you remem8er the most a8out Sgru8.
JOHN: …
You think back. You look into yourself, searching deep within your psyche to find the precise moment, the most poignant memory, the most powerful, character-defining…
Wait. Really? That one? That’s fucking it? Alright, you guess you’re going with this one! Gods damn it!
JOHN: *sigh*
JOHN: well, if you need to know…
JOHN: …
JOHN: promise not to laugh, alright?
VRISKA: Why would I, John?
JOHN: i guess you’re right.
JOHN: anyway, i don’t remember much anymore. especially from sburb.
JOHN: but out of every thing, one thing has always stuck out.
JOHN: wanna know what it is?
VRISKA: Of course!
JOHN: it was, uhh…
Just say it. Just fucking say it. Get it over with.
JOHN: funnily enough, it was when you made me that outfit. the one with the jacket.
Groan.
VRISKA: ...Go on.
JOHN: i don’t know why, but it made me feel so… cool.
JOHN: i guess like you, hehe.
JOHN: then i died, and got my god tier clothes.
JOHN: those are cool, but…
JOHN: it didn’t… feel the same?
JOHN: i don’t know. I’m probably being dumb.
VRISKA: …
VRISKA: …
JOHN: vriska, are you alri-
...What’s she thinking. You see her somber, understanding expression slowly morph into the smuggest, shit-eatingest grin you’ve ever seen. It appears she thinks she’s figured you out.
VRISKA: Oh.
VRISKA: Ooooooooh.
VRISKA: How did I not realize this sooner????????
JOHN: what are you talking about.
VRISKA: So, Eg8ert. You liked the outfit I picked out for you, huh?
JOHN: ...that’s what i just said, yeah.
VRISKA: Just 8ecause it looks cool?
JOHN: i don’t see any other reason why i would…
VRISKA: Think it has something to do with the fact that you were wearing girl’s clothes?
JOHN: …
JOHN: no.
JOHN: no, that’s stupid!
JOHN: that’s stupid, and we’re done thinking about it, moving on.
VRISKA: No, now you’ve piqued my interest! That response was faaaaaaaar too reticent, Eg8ert, and you know it.
VRISKA: So how a8out you spill the fucking 8eans?
What the fuck. What the fuck .
JOHN: there are no beans to spill!
JOHN: i’m a man! i’ve always thought i was a man, and i don’t see any reason that that would change.
JOHN: im twenty three fucking years old, for fucks sake! if i was trans gender, or something, i would have figured it out by now!
JOHN: like roxy did!! Like YOU did!!!!
VRISKA: Do you really think there’s like… a time limit?
VRISKA: I thought the same thing you did, Eg8ert.
VRISKA: I didn’t figure this shit out until I was like… 5 sweeps old. More or less.
VRISKA: 8y then, all of my friends already had their shit figured out! You kinda had to figure things out fast on Alternia.
VRISKA: I couldn’t. I didn’t… have time.
JOHN: were you busy a lot when you were young?
VRISKA: More than you could possi8ly fucking imagine.
Vriska stands there for a moment, silently. You can’t really think of anything to say.
VRISKA: Anyway.
VRISKA: Are you sure there weren't signs? Think a8out it.
JOHN?: nothing that isn’t like… normal teen stuff!
JOHN?: like… just kind of hating my body. nothing crazy!
JOHN?: so what if i hate having hair all over me!
Despise. You despise it. With every ounce of your soul.
JOHN?: i don’t need a reason to want to shave! It’s not some condeming evidence of secret fucking gender troubles!
VRISKA: I never said it was.
JOHN?: good, because it’s not.
VRISKA: What a8out your hair? You look like you haven’t cut it in months.
You were jealous of Jade’s hair. You’ve always wanted long, curly hair like that. It’s not the only thing, either.
JOHN?: i just like it better that way!
VRISKA: I thought so, too.
JOHN?: shut up!!! just fucking shut up!!!!
JOHN?: i’m not a fucking girl!!! i’m not!
Are you sure?
JOHN?: i’m...
J???: i’m...
J???: i’m a fucking girl. fuck. FUCK.
You strike your coffee table. Why? Why you??? Why NOW??????? You’re so caught up in the moment that you barely notice that you’re crying. Like a fucking baby. What would your dad think?
VRISKA: Hey, uhh…
VRISKA: Shit.
Vriska is clearly out of her element here. She never really struck you as the comforting type.
J???: i must just be gay. i have to be! gay people do stuff like this, right?
J???: but i like girls!
J???: wait, am i a fucking lesbian now? that’s so stupid!
VRISKA: Hey!
J???: i know, i know, sorry, that sucked. i suck!
J???: i’m so fucking pathetic! i couldn’t even figure out my own damn gender without a girl helping me along.
VRISKA: Hey. Heeeeeeeey.
VRISKA: Slow your roll there, partner.
VRISKA: You’re not pathetic for needing help with shit like this. And that’s coming from me!
VRISKA: Do you wanna know how I ever even found this shit out a8out myself?
VRISKA: I didn’t. I would have never figured it out if it wasn’t for a very good friend.
VRISKA: I don’t know if you ever met her. Her name was Aradia. We used to FLARP together.
VRISKA: She figured out this gender shit loooooooong 8efore I did. 8asically while we were still wigglers!
VRISKA: Even then, when I started freaking out a8out all this, she was there to help me. It didn’t matter to her that I found out so much l8r.
VRISKA: She actually got me my first pair of girl’s clothes! Kinda like I did to you! :::;)
VRISKA: Sometimes you’re a8le to go it alone. Other times, you need the help of those who are closest to you.
VRISKA: That’s something I learned fairly recently, Eg8ert. I think you should try to learn it, too.
Maybe you spoke too soon. She did help you stop crying, after all.
J???: ...yeah.
J???: yeah, i think you’re right.
J???: thanks for listening to me go through this, vriska. i’m…
J???: really confused right now.
J???: confused, and sad, and…
VRISKA: I get it. Really, I do! And I promise you, it does get 8etter with time.
VRISKA: That doesn’t make it easy. 8ut it makes it attaina8le, and that’s something.
J???:i guess you’re right.
VRISKA: And hey! I’m always here, yeah? I don’t really think I can go anywhere soon, to 8e honest.
Vriska puts a hand on your shoulder. It’s actually kind of awkward, because you’re a good bit taller than her.
VRISKA: Good luck, uhh…
VRISKA: Joan Eg8ert? Huh?
J???: no, that doesn’t sound quite like me. i...
J???: i’m gonna ruminate on names for a bit.
VRISKA: Sounds gr8 to me, Eg8ert.
VRISKA: …
She gets up.
VRISKA: Good luck.
VRISKA: I’m uhh… gonna go now. May8e visit Strider.
VRISKA: See ya.
J???: bye vriska.
Vriska strides out of your living room, flashing an uncharacteristically friendly smile as she walks out. You elect to remain on your couch, at least for a bit. You have a lot to think about.
JUNE: me damn it.