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“Tell me again.”
Tony glanced up from the book in his lap, heart leaping at the softly spoken words. Stephen was staring at him, curled on his side, trembling fingers resting carefully on the bedding next to him. A furrow seemed etched between his brows, lips downturned as though he was working out some complicated puzzle and Tony was the key to unlocking all the secrets.
Letting his book fall closed, he leaned forward in the chair pulled up to the side of the bed. The urge to reach out and grip Stephen’s hand was strong, almost painful in the yearning, but he didn’t. Stephen wasn’t ready and Tony wasn’t ready for the inevitable rejection that would be levelled on him, like a shot to his heart.
“It’s real,” Tony murmured, voice gruff with disuse, eyes stinging. “I’m real and you’re real and all of this…it’s the world you saved Stephen.”
The furrow didn’t go away and neither did the frown but something in those kaleidoscope eyes seemed to clear, blue skies emerging from a cloudy day. Tony’s breath caught, anticipation, hope warring with the gloomy skepticism in his soul.
He watched, with rapt attention as Stephen glanced down at his hands and Tony knew, with the knowledge of many years beside this man, that he was assessing the pain, using the sharpness as an anchor. He tried not to let it show how much that hurt him, to not be enough to prove to Stephen that everything was alright.
It was getting worse.
There were good days and bad days. Mostly bad as of a month ago and Tony was tired, exhausted down to his very soul. He woke each morning, uncertain what Stephen he’d find that day, had felt a surge of hopelessness the first time Wong suggested he sleep in another room, had nearly cried when Stephen looked at him with shocked and uncomprehending eyes.
Tony had read every book he could find about dementia. Had attended seminars and lectures and talked to specialists. Anything to create some semblance of understanding about all this. It didn’t really help, not with the knowledge that this wasn’t the result of Stephen’s mind fraying due to some disease but because of the damned Stone still hanging like a noose around his throat.
Too many memories, thoughts, experiences crammed into his mind…not too little. Stephen couldn’t keep them straight, couldn’t keep his mind from trying to protect him by tidying things into broken little boxes and messy filing cabinets…trying desperately to keep his sanity. Except now Stephen was losing himself…them.
All because he saved the world…again.
Wong was working furiously in Kamar-Taj with an entire team of sorcerers to purge the memories from Stephen’s mind…but so far, they had found nothing. Quite honestly, Tony wasn’t sure what he was more afraid of, the days Stephen woke with no recognition in his eyes, cringing away from his touch temporarily, or the possibility of it being permanent.
Whatever they found, there would be no guarantee of Tony remaining in Stephen’s memory, surviving the purge of futures and pasts. The thought was nauseating even if he would do it in a heartbeat to save Stephen’s life.
Especially after learning about Dormammu. He still hoped that one day…when they were past all this, Stephen would tell him about it himself, would be able to finally admit to the voice in his nightmares which took the shape, not of the Mad Titan but something far more horrifying.
If he remembered.
“Tony?” Blazing eyes looked into his, knocking him roughly from his head and making his heart skip a beat at the recognition there.
“Stephen? Do you know who I am?” he tried not to be too excited. Tony remembered the days when the answer was simply Ironman, or billionaire; or worse, tech mogul responsible for the deaths of thousands on far away soil.
Stephen swallowed thickly, reached trembling fingers out toward him, “Tony. You’re Tony.”
Tony sucked in a harsh breath. He slipped from the chair and landed on his knees with a hard thud, gathering Stephen’s delicate hands in his own, pressing gentle kisses to the scarred flesh, “yes,” he breathed, relief leaving him dizzy. “Yeah, its me.”
Except it was never that easy, even on good days when Stephen needed no prompting to recall the man he loved. Tony looked at him and watched as his confused expression turned to distress and gradually, to horror. Those trembling fingers twisting and gripping hard enough to certainly send pain reverberating up Stephen’s arms.
“Tony,” he said far more urgently this time. “Tony, what’s happening to me?”
The crack in his voice, the fear, had Tony shaking his head, stomach twisting sickly, voice pitched low in an attempt to sooth Stephen, despite the way it all felt like lies tumbling from his tongue, one after the other, “its going to be alright Stephen, we’re taking care of it, you’ll be alright. Everything is ok, Wong, me, the other sorcerers…we’ll figure it out soon.”
His words seemed to have no effect, Stephen’s breath whistling as he sucked it in between his teeth and Tony was climbing into the bed without a second thought. His lover’s eyes were already going vacant, a green hue in them that made Tony want to scream and tear the Eye from around his neck. He would…if he thought he’d ever get that far.
“This can’t be real,” Stephen whispered against Tony’s chest. “None of it, I’d remember…I have to get back. Thanos-”
“Stephen,” he interrupted desperately. How quickly a good day turns sour. This time it took less then five minutes for Stephen to slip away again…they were running out of time and Tony wasn’t sure how much more heartbreak he could take. “This is real, I’m real, you’re going to be ok. We saved the world we can save you too.”
Stephen’s fingers spasmed where they gripped his shirt, no doubt the pain nearly excruciating. Tony would have to give him more painkillers soon though he loathed to make him sleep anymore…certain it was only helping his confusion.
There was a long pause.
“Tell me again?”
Tony inhaled a shuddering breath, leaned down to kiss Stephen’s forehead, found momentarily clear eyes once more, “I’m real, you’re real, you are going to be ok. I love you.”
The clouds seem to part a little bit further from his eyes, “I love you too.”