Chapter Text
Ianto felt his stomach lurch as he awoke. His head was pounding and his mouth tasted like he’d been chewing sand. He was still dressed, even if it was just a tee shirt and jogging bottoms, it was still strange. As he swung his legs off the bed and rubbed his eyes he heard quiet voices from down the hallway. He dragged himself to the bedroom door, leaning heavily on the door frame, and listened carefully.
“Gwen?” He rasped, peeking round.
She walked out of the kitchen, a warm smile on her face. “Morning. How are you feeling?”
“Um… I don’t remember last night.”
“Oh.” She looked away for a moment before she sighed. “You called me last night and… Well, we found you on the kitchen floor surrounded by pills.”
Hearing those words sparked a memory and he rushed to the bathroom, throwing up what was mostly alcohol. He really had done that. After washing his face and trying to get his head to stop killing him he ventured out.
Gwen handed him a glass of water. “Thought you might need this.”
“Thanks… I’m sorry about last night.”
“It’s fine. I’m glad you called me. Owen’s going to pop by soon and sort some medication for you.”
He sipped the water, not looking forward to seeing anyone else.
Rhys nodded a hello from the kitchen. “Hungry?”
“Not even a little bit.” He said, squinting at the light beaming through the kitchen window. “Did you both sleep on the sofa?”
“Yep. Wouldn’t be the first time we’ve both crashed on someones sofa. Been a while though.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it mate. Just glad you’re in one piece.”
“Mostly.” He reached up and brushed the bruising running across his face.
A soft knock at the door made Ianto retreat to the living room while Gwen went to answer it. Tosh stood on the doorstep. “Hi.”
“Oh, hello. I thought Owen was coming.”
“He is. He’s just parking. I said it might take me a while to limp here so…”
“Of course, sorry, come in. Ianto’s in the living room. He’s got a hell of a hangover and he’s bruised but he seems a bit better this morning.”
She limped inside. “Owen’s got some safe painkillers and a few other things to help.”
“I’m surprised he’s not complained your ear off about being on your feet.”
“He has been.” She chuckled softly. “But it’s really not that bad. Just sore. How are you feeling?”
“Me? I’m ok. I didn’t sleep yesterday but I managed to drop off last night.”
“I was awake on and off all night. I kept having nightmares.”
“Yea… We’ll be having those for a while I suppose.” She rubbed at her wrists. “I’m going to have to clear out the fridge when I get home. Just looking at anything meat based makes my stomach churn.”
“I’ve just been trying to think of other things. Toast isn’t the worst thing to have right now.”
“That sounds nice. Let me grab Rhys and we’ll be off.”
Ianto gave Tosh a soft smile, though it didn’t meet his eyes. “I never apologised for shouting at you when we were in that cellar. I’m sorry.”
“It was a stressful situation. Anyway, sometimes we all feel like that. It isn’t an easy job.”
“Still… How’s your leg?”
“Sore, but it’s dressed so it’ll be fine. A few little scars won't do me any harm.”
“How do you do it?”
“Do what?”
“Stay positive when everything’s falling apart.”
“I…. Well, I just try and find one good thing to really hold on to. That and at least I have people who care about me.”
“I wish I could feel like that.”
“But we care about you.”
“And you could have died.”
“But I didn’t. We’re both still here. I know things feel dark right now but it does get better. I promise… The nightmares fade with time. You find meaning in other things, other people, and eventually you start being able to see the light again. I’ve been in that dark place… So has Owen. You think his drinking’s bad now, back then he’d have days where he just didn’t stop. He only slowed down when me and Jack had to rush him to hospital with alcohol poisoning. I think he saw me crying and it shocked him.”
He thought about the stack of bottles sitting in the recycling bin. “I’m trying.”
“I know.”
“I’m just… I’m a bad person.”
“What? No you’re not. You’re one of the sweetest people I know.”
“I held you at gunpoint.”
“You were scared. You were just trying to protect Lisa.”
He lent heavily on his knees, running his fingers through his hair. “I… I think I was trying to protect myself… I loved her, I really did… Just over time it got harder to… To see her like I did.”
She moved to sit next to him, rubbing his back softly. “That’s understandable. You gave up so much to care for her so you’re bound to have doubts sometimes. The truth is you stayed with her. You never gave up. Even if you didn’t feel the same way as you did before, you still loved her.”
Owen slid his bag down from his shoulder, making a mental note to get the broken lock on Iantos door replaced. The smell of alcohol had faded to just hanging around the recycling bin but he could recognise that smell from three streets away.
“I would have been faster but the parking’s shit around here.” He stated. “First thing we need to get rid of that hangover.”
“M’not hungry.” Ianto mumbled.
“Good for you but I’m not talking about a fry up.” He showed an injector.
“What’s that?”
“Wide spectrum antidote and a painkiller. I need you to think clearly.”
Ianto didn’t fight it. If he was honest the painkiller would be appreciated. His bruised ribs ached and the bridge of his nose pulsed. His headache eased almost immediately. Though the sudden clarity in his mind was very much not welcome, visions of Lisas body being covered, blood spilling out across the floor, mixing with the nightmarish cellar. He clenched his jaw, desperately trying to push the thoughts away.
Owen crouched in front of him. “Ianto. What were you thinking?”
“There’s no other way out. You don’t leave Torchwood. Even when you die your body gets put into storage. It’s like you’ve sold your soul.”
“If you wanted to just walk away tomorrow Jack wouldn’t stop you.”
“That’s not the problem! Torchwood becomes part of you. You can’t just forget everything you’ve seen, the people you’ve lost. It stains you.”
“And what does killing yourself change in that? It doesn’t make anything better. It just leaves the rest of us grieving one more friend. Jack nearly threw a fit when I told him about Gwen calling me last night.”
“What does he care?”
“More than you think. He won’t say anything but he’s still beating himself up over not noticing anything was wrong. He took the conversion unit apart on his own. He broke one of those villagers finger just to find out where you’d been taken.”
He finally looked up, startled. “He what?”
“Oh yea. Held his face in the mud and snapped the poor bastards finger because he wouldn’t tell us where you’d been taken.” Owen decided to keep the fact that Jack had acted like this was something he’d done a million times before to himself. “The tractor was his idea too.”
“Why am I having so much trouble believing that?”
“Depression does that. That and the untreated PTSD. It messes with your perception of everything.”
“I need it to stop.”
“That’s why I’m here to help. Now, being as you wouldn’t let the paramedics anywhere near you the other night, I need to see what the damage is. Come on.” He stood and pointed to the door.
“Right then, nothing’s broken, just really badly bruised. Try and sleep on your back for a bit until the bruising on your ribs goes down. Other than that, you’re still vitamin D deficient so I’ll add that to your prescription. Once you’re up to it you need to start going outside in the daytime a bit more. I’ve doubled your dose of the sertraline. If it hasn’t been making you dizzy or nauseous then you should be fine but those side effects could still crop up. And no more alcohol. If I find out you’ve been buying any more I will take your ID.” Owen said, scribbling down notes as Ianto pulled his shirt back on.
“I won’t. I think I’m done drinking”
“Good.”
“What now?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen now.”
“What do you want to happen?”
He shrugged. “I’ve spent so long just trying to save Lisa that I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life now.”
“That’s not something I can tell you. Just live day by day until you find something. Go out. Get laid.”
“It’s too soon.”
“I’m not telling you to date. Just fulfil a physical need, get close to another human being, top up your endorphins. Just don’t lock yourself away because your brain’s feeding you the usual bullshit.”
Ianto looked to the floor. “I can’t.”
“It’s up to you but whatever you end up doing you have to go somewhere other than here or the hub.”
“I need to go shopping.”
He paused, caught off guard. “What?”
“The fridge is empty.”
“When was the last time you ate?”
“Before we left for the beacons.”
“Bloody hell. No wonder you’re feeling like crap.” He placed his notes on the side table. “I’ll go and get you what you need. I can grab your prescription while I’m out.”
“You don’t have t-”
“Yes I do. Otherwise you won’t eat and we’ll have even bigger problems. Plus Jack’ll kill you… Then me.”
“He’s not going to be checking on me, is he?”
“Tomorrow he is.”
“He doesn’t usually bother at work.”
Owen scoffed. “You think you’re going to be back at work tomorrow? Not likely.”
“What? Why?”
“You’re in no state to work and Jack said he wants a word anyway.”
“But I’ll be fine by then.”
“You listen to me Ianto Jones! I’ve been where you are and you are the opposite of fine. If Gwen hadn’t marched over here last night what would have happened, eh? You wouldn’t be sitting here now, you’d be on my table. I haven’t fucking slept yet because I was worried sick about you. I was ready to drop my work and rush over here if you had taken any of those pills! Do you know why? Because I know what it’s like to wake up on the kitchen floor, throwing up pills and alcohol while your whole body screams at you. I wasn’t fine then and you sure as hell aren't fine now!” Owen looked the man dead in the eye, almost shaking.
“Owen… I didn’t…”
“Sorry… Sorry.”
“No. Y-you’re right… You should sleep.”
“I would if I could. Right now I've got shopping to do. Just keep Tosh company until I get back.”