The Daddy of All Lists

In which four tired RAs proceed to have a collective brain aneurysm over the boldness, stupidity, ingenuity, extreme thirst and party antics of their dormmates.
Birthed from their pain and suffering is a list of simple, easy to follow dorm rules.
Ladies and gentlemen, The List™. The Daddy of All Lists™.

Notes:

So what would it be like to have all these Haikyuu characters crammed into one single accomodation building?
Chaos. Pure chaos.
Also the use and lack of honorifics changes depending on who is "writing" the rule.
*IMPORTANT EDIT: first 2 chapters have been edited for clarity. lines are now 'signed' except for when it's obvious who the writer is.
IMPORTANT EDIT DEUX: oikawa and tendou never sign their names because they are chaotic like that and you cant change my mind lmao*

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: In Which the RAs Are Tired and In Need of a Vacation

Chapter Text

Things the residents of Dorm Three are NOT ALLOWED to do:

Attempt to scale the building Spider-Man style and enter through an open window when they get locked out. As an alternative, they can refer to the on-call RA. They will find that it is faster, safer and it will not entail selling their kidneys on the black market to pay off the medical bills that are sure to follow.
Smuggle kegs into the dorm under the guise of Amazon deliveries. We have to commend you for trying, Bokuto, Kuroo. The box and fake delivery information may have fooled Sawamura when he saw you carrying it up the stairs, but that kind of thing could never get past Akaashi. Remember: Akaashi is everywhere. And he is watching you.
Coming off of the last bulletpoint: do keg stands indoors. Ceiling height across all rooms is 2.6 meters only. Keep that in mind the next time you triple dog dare the tallest of the group to do one. We hope from the bottom of our hearts that there won’t be a next time.
Use up all the hot water to enact your petty revenge fantasies. We get that Tendou-san can be a handful ~~sometimes~~ most times, but that does not give you the go ahead to drag the other residents into your personal affairs, Semi-san. Should the problems persist, we suggest you ask for a room change.

Satori stays where he is. Screw you, Shirabu —Semi

Cover your RA’s room in post it notes to enact your petty revenge fantasies. Iwaizumi spent half a day removing the ones stuck to the furniture, walls and floor… and the other half removing the ones stuck to every article of clothing he owns. His serves during last week’s scheduled practice matches were particularly brutal, so maybe something good still came out of it.

Whose side are you on, Sawamura???? —Iwaizumi

The rule above also applies to posters (obscene or otherwise), balloons, flypaper, legos or any other pointy object that can cause bodily harm.
Leave ominous messages for any of the other residents on the bulletin board from the common room. I thought you could do better than Lock your door extra tight tonight, Shittykawa. :). The emoji thrown at the end somehow makes it even more disturbing. As your friend and fellow RA, I am beyond disappointed, Iwaizumi.
Smoke weed in your rooms. We get it, it’s legal, but it is still strictly prohibited inside the dorms. And if we hear Hinata screech 420yoloblazeit at 3 a.m. one more time, we are going to have a problem. Yes, Tanaka, Yamamoto, Nishinoya, we are 1000% sure you were involved.
Bake pot brownies in the communal kitchen. See above. Also, we do not need the fire department paying us another visit. Whenever you get a craving, just think about why Goshiki is banned from using the oven. That should be enough to make you reconsider.
Purposefully get Kindaichi and Asahi drunk at parties just because they are entertaining to watch while they duke it out in Just Dance 2020.
Have loud kinky sex every night for a whole week straight. Nobody is saying ‘don’t have sex ever’, but keep in mind that the walls are basically made out of wet tissue paper and not all of us own earplugs. Some might want to study, some might want to sleep and most (if not all) would rather not be subject to squeaky bed noises and porn star worthy moans. The HanaMatsu Honeymoon Period™ should remain an isolated event. Thank you.
Sexile your roommate to have loud kinky sex every night for a whole week straight. We believe this is self explanatory.
Take food off of someone else’s plate without their explicit permission to do so. We get it, we’re all broke college students with a fuckton of student loan debt, but if Kageyama and Hinata start another food fight we are going. To have. A problem.

You’re just mad you got caught in the crossfire the last time it happened, Shira-chan~~

Uh-oh, Kenjirou used a baaaad woooord

Wait, I need to add one too. Ignore the fact that I'm not an RA, but I'm about to spit some facts for y'all. —Kuroo

Attempt to drink Reon or Lev under the table. While Reon is the uncontested champion of Dorm Three, Lev should not be taken lightly either. They will win and you will suffer in the morning.

It almost sounds like you’re talking from personal experience, bro —Bokuto

He is. I can attest to that —Kozume

Nobody was supposed to know!!!!

Isn't that old news? I already knew that way before Kozume-kun spilled the beans. —Sugawara

You don't count ‘cause you’re a crafty bastard who’s got eyes and ears everywhere.

I also knew, Kuroo-san. —Akaashi

You’re just as bad as Sugawara.

Let your alarm ring for more than twenty seconds before turning it off. If you have an early lecture or some other business that requires you to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, that does not mean everybody on your floor also has to. You might think Kyoutani is scary when he’s running on less than four hours of sleep and hasn’t had his first coffee of the day, but that just means you have not yet witnessed sleep deprived Yahaba. You do NOT want to witness sleep deprived Yahaba.
Play extreme hide and seek. Remember how we almost lost Kunimi? Inside our own dorm no less?
Stockpile cans of energy drinks in your room during finals period. We all know how the infamous Energy Stash Incident ended and we do not need a repeat of it.
Use the ‘I licked it so it’s mine’ method for obtaining things… or people. That last bit is for Tendou-san only, and we strongly encourage you not to take after him in that regard. That is not how you get your crush to like you.
Smuggle in any kind of furry companion (quadrupedal or otherwise). As much as it pains me to say it, this is a no pets allowed dorm. On the bright side, we are sincerely happy that the injured kitty Ushijima found near the third gym is now fully healed and in good hands with her new owner, Hinata Natsu.

This is the only wholesome thing on this shitty list —Kyoutani

I would be inclined to agree. Give my thanks to your sister once again, Hinata. —Ushijima

Big softy Ushiwaka confirmed??

Make fun of Yaku for being, ahem, slightly vertically challenged. Only Lev did that and lived to tell the tale. We hope that the ten seconds of amusement were worth the severe psychological trauma.

Does that mean I’m special, Yaku-san? <3

Know your place, bean pole.

Coming off of the previous rule: make fun of anybody’s height. We do not want the liberos in the dorm (plus Hinata) to declare all out war on the rest of us peasants. With Yaku as Supreme Demon Overlord and Nishinoya as his trusty second in command we would not stand a chance.
Play catch inside the dorm. Any subsequent damage to furniture/lamps/humans will be paid for with your own pocket money.

I FEEL VERY ATTACKED RIGHT NOW, BUT I’M ALSO VERY SORRY, AKAASHI. —BOKUTO

Play connect the dots on Yamaguchi’s face. Him getting blackout drunk and falling asleep on the common room couch is not an excuse. Remember: Yamaguchi is too kind and polite to do anything about it, but Tsukishima is not.
And last but not least, the residents of Dorm Three are NOT ALLOWED to EVER mention what happens on game night to anyone that does not live in Dorm Three.

We hope that you, at the very least, take these into consideration and think twice before doing something you might regret.

Except for the last rule. The last rule is absolute.

Yeah, about that…

DUMBASS HINATA, WHO DID YOU TELL?

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