Chapter Text
Spencer had never truly felt comfortable around the team. They were his family, he loved them, but he knew that they didn’t really know him. His shameful nights looking at photos of men, the tingling sensation he felt when Morgan would put his arm around him, in a totally normal straight guy kind of way. He knew he wouldn’t be thrown out of the FBI, that wasn’t his concern, the Buerau was welcoming and supportive gay agents, but his feelings made him shameful. His slender physique and tiny stature had made him the target of bullies throughout his childhood, and the word faggot seemed to be the harraser’s favorite nickname for him. Regardless, Spencer had survived High School, and by the time he was 18, he was regularly hooking up with other men. But soon after these encounters, the torment from his past would consume him.
The BAU had made him a bit more comfortable with his sexuality. Dealing with gay serial killers made his feelings seem more rational to him -- If serial killers can be gay, then why can’t I ?
The team, however, was what scared him most.Yes, they were all his friend, his family, but he felt deep down that they wouldn’t all be as supportive as he would hope.
Garcia wouldn’t care, hell she’d probably care more about who Spencer was seeing or going to pride events than the actual fact of his sexuality. She was great like that, Spencer believed that there was no one else on the planet as loving as she was.
JJ, his best friend, already knew his secret. He had drunkenly told her one night, before crying into her shoulder, making her promise that she would never tell a soul. As far as he was aware, she hadn’t.
Hotch was a mystery. Spencer knew that he had been on the Bureau's diversity promotion board once or twice, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be disgusted by Spencer’s feelings. He could think that Spencer had watched him when they shared rooms during cases, or could assume that Spencer had been inappropriate when he babysat Jack. Neither of which were true, Hotch was far from Spencer’s type (and also his boss), and he was disgusted by the old fashioned sterotype that gay men were pedophiles.
Emily, oh Emily. He knew her secret, even if she didn’t know that he knew. The way she looked at JJ was enough for him, or anyone for that matter, to draw conclusions about her feelings for other women.
Rossi was where he knew there would be trouble. Being the oldest member of the team, Spencer was sure that his feelings towards gay people weren’t necessrily positive. He had never had trouble working on cases with lgbt individuals, but the off-hand comments and looks he gave showed his true feelings.
Morgan. Morgan was where things got complicated. Morgan’s past was enough to make anyone homophobic. Honestly, Spencer didn’t even really blame him. The trauma that Derek had experienced was an irreversible pain that he couldn’t push aside. Morgan’s jokes about more feminine men, even Spencer himself, confirmed Spencer’s fears about him. Even calling Spencer “Pretty Boy” seemed to be more teasing than endearing.
Spencer’s feelings didn’t help the Morgan situation either. No matter how much he tried to ignore his feelings, nights where he and Morgan ended up in the same hotel room, Spencer couldn’t help but admire the abs staring him in the face. He felt weird, and frankly creepy, on those nights, but by morning he had convinced himself that the feelings he had felt were completely platonic. He didn’t sleep much on trips where he and Morgan shared rooms.
His fear of the team finding out about his romantic feelings had turned Spencer into an extremely secretive person. He lied when he was asked to go out with the team, worried that drunk Spencer would somehow end up making out with a guy on the dance floor, blowing his cover completely. Despite his secrecy, he knew the team would find out eventually. Sooner or later, if Spencer finally worked out his issues, and started dating someone, it’s not like he would be able to keep it a secret. He spent more time with the team than by himself, they’d find out eventually, he knew that they would.
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Walking into the elevator one Wednesday morning, Spencer slipped his phone into his back pocket, not thinking to silence it. Garcia, already in the elevator, began asking him about the movie the two of them had gone to see the night before. By the time that they had made it to their floor, Spencer had completely forgotten that his phone was on in his back pocket. JJ was getting coffee, and told the two to meet in the Bullpen to discuss a new case. Entering the room, Spencer instinctively took out his phone and set it face up on the table, before taking out his notebook. The rest of the team trickled in, making small talk before Hotch entered.
“Alright guys, new case, but it’s here in DC. Have you all been hearing about the string of killing occurring near Capitol Hill?” Hotchner began. The team nodded their heads -- the murders had been on the front page of the paper for the past few days, Spencer was surprised it took DC police so long to call them in.
“We’re being called in, you know the drill. Right now, we need to work on the profile from here, but it’s likely that we’ll be heading into the city at some point today, this guy isn’t spending much time cooling down between kills.” Hotch continues. “You all work on the profile, Rossi and I are going to meet with the Chief right now to start establishing a plan with the department. We’ll be back later.” He finishes before he leaves the room.
“I guess that my cue!” Rossi says, smiling before leaving the room to join their boss.
The remaining team members began discussing the case, but were interrupted by a noise that Spencer recognized.
The dinging, wait, is that the grindr notification sound? That’s embarrassing for whoever-
He realized it too late. The noise was coming from his phone, the phone sitting on the table, in view of all of his coworkers. The phone sounded again. Before Spencer even thought to grab the phone, Emily and Garcia were picking it up, ready to tease him about who they assumed was a girl messaging him.
“Ooooh Spencie has a lady friend!” Garcia said loudly, before looking at the phone.
Spencer didn’t have time to process what was happening. It was too late. He could see the message on his phone screen.
From BigDaddy69: Hey baby boy, you’re cute, what are you up to?
Shit. SHIT. Spencer had forgotten to turn off the notifications he had turned on late last night.
“Wait why is some guy- Oh. OH.” Emily said, rereading the message.
Spencer didn’t stick around to hear the rest of Emily’s comment. He didn’t even bother to grab his phone. He was running out of the meeting room, past his desk straight to the bathroom, where he locked himself in and began to cry.