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Waking up at five am is the worst thing Wei Ying ever had to experience but he got used to it. After living with Lan Zhan for three years, he even became more of a morning person.
The bed is once again too warm, his covers heavy and thick, his body overheating while the window is open.
It's in the middle of summer, last days of july fading away and at night it's so peaceful, beautifully colder than during the day. He's still glad, that waking up at five am makes him close the window before it's too hot. He still wonders why he sleeps with covers if he gets overheated.
He can hear the clanking of pans but only barely, Lan Zhan is always mindful of him and his morning personality and in that moment warmth engulfs his heart.
Lan Zhan, he's always so mindful and careful, kind and protective. He's funny in his own way, hardworking, amazing in every aspect, it's no wonder Wei Ying fell in love with him.
It's been seven years since they met, five years since they became best friends, three years since they moved in together. It's also been four years since Wei Ying fell in love.
Whether it was his kindness, his careful touches or maybe his calm eyes, Wei Ying doesn't know what exactly he fell in love with. In the end he fell in love with Lan Zhan’s all, but he's always wondered just what kickstarted this love.
He's never minded that his love only ever existed inside his heart and mind. He never shared it, out of fear, out of consideration for whatever out there. Or maybe he never shared it out of selfishness, selfish to keep this love for himself and himself only, to not give other people reason to see Lan Zhan the way he does.
He gets up slowly, the hardest thing is to actually sit up. He goes to brush his teeth, wash his face and do his hair. He let his hair grow past his shoulders now, enjoying the feeling of them moving in his ponytail or in the wind. He decides on a messy bun, too tired to actually put all the pins in right now and goes back to his room to dress. Since it's early and he has a day off, he opts for simple shorts and a short sleeved t-shirt.
As he steps out to the hallway again he sniffs and smells the usual coffee scent he misses whenever on tour. It's a special coffee brew, made by Lan Zhan, just spicy enough to warm his heart.
Aah. Wonder if A-Zhan will let me help next time, I really wonder what he puts in the cup.
Though, Wei Ying doesn't mind not knowing, it's embarrassing but he's happy that there's something only Lan Zhan can give him.
Walk to the kitchen is short, the sunrise starting to show it's light through the half opened blinds.
They live in a penthouse, in the highest building in New York. Though they do move between this one and one of the vacation houses Wei Ying has. It's on the coast of Sanya, right next to the sea, a small part of beach bought by him. It's not fully fenced, but just enough to provide privacy. It's really not a big house, but he loves it all the same.
Wei Ying pauses in the living room to pet the two rabbits they own, a white rabbit with red eyes called Yew and a black rabbit with yellow almost golden eyes called Sayan.
They're both small balls of fluff and they always bring a smile to his face.
He hears humming coming from the kitchen and gets up, walking towards it.
“Morning A-Zhan!”
“Mn. Morning A-Ying.”
It took Wei Ying about five years before Lan Zhan agreed that they're familiar enough to call each other such.
The coffee is on the table and he speeds to the table holding the mug as if it was a precious treasure: “Aah, A-Zhan, you spoil me so!”
He hears a snort and takes a small sip. Just the way he likes it.
Finally, he takes in Lan Zhan’s clothes.
“You're home today?”
Lan Zhan nods and replies with a short “Mn.”
Wei Ying immediately thinks of so many things they could be doing, involving blanket forts, playing a duet, watching movies and such.
Lan Zhan sits down after serving both of them breakfast: “Wen Qing called, you have three days off. Something about a schedule mishap.”
Wei Ying’s eyes light up and he almost vibrates with excitement in his chair. He takes another sip and looks out of the window.
They put the table in this spot for a reason, you can see through the window right over smaller buildings and the sun lights up the room dimly whenever it shows. The window is not the same as in the living room, where they're from the floor to the ceiling, but still almost. This window is turned away from the sun just enough that it doesn't shine in their eyes.
“How about…we go to Sanya today? Spend a day there and then fly back here. What do you think?”
Lan Zhan hums and waits until he's chewed his food before grabbing his phone and looking at his schedule. He nods and Wei Ying claps excitedly.
Wei Ying laughs with happiness and sees the uptake of Lan Zhan’s lips, just enough to be considered a smile and giggles.
“Yay, are we taking Yew and Sayan too? Or do I ask Wen Ning to come babysit tomorrow?”
Lan Zhan once again waits till he's eaten: “Babysit. Too hot for rabbits.”
Wei Ying nods and eats the rest of his food in peace, drinks his coffee then puts the dishes in the sink.
“I'll pack a little then wash the dishes okay?”
Lan Zhan nods and Wei Ying runs to his room. Their rooms are in the same hallway but not quite opposite of eachother. Wei Ying’s is left and Lan Zhan’s is on the right.
He packs lightly, knows he'll only wear some bathing shorts and clothes he needs for the airport, then grabs his notebook and charger and stuffs them inside his backpack as well.
He goes back out after that, ready to wash the dishes and finds Lan Zhan talking on the phone.
“I've called the cab and Wen Qing, the cab will pick us up in an hour and then we'll be flying out in three.”
Wei Ying nods, goes right to washing the dishes.
He hears Lan Zhan cooing at the rabbits and almost flushes at the thought that it's all so domestic, so couple-y like. He banishes the thought right away, he's never expected anything from Lan Zhan, never will, if a friend is what Lan Zhan wants, a friend he will get.
As they're driving to the airport he sees Lan Zhan’s hands in a fist and quickly holds them. He snuggles up to him and sighs in happiness.
Since they've met, Wei Ying knew Lan Zhan hated cars. He was fine with trains and airplanes, a bit less fine with buses but outright hated cars. He was also afraid of them. He told Wei Ying one day a few years ago, when he was drunk, that when he was a mere kid, his parents got into a car accident with him, a drunk drivers fault and since he saw his parents die, the fear grew in his chest.
Wei Ying tried avoiding cars for his sake from then on. It got better slowly as he grew but he was still afraid. Sometimes, like right now, they couldn't take the train nor the bus, since it would be too long.
He felt Lan Zhan exhale and put one of his arms around Wei Ying, holding him.
Despite the AC in the car it was still hot so Wei Ying moved away but still held on to Lan Zhan’s hand.
The flight was over in a blink of an eye, Wei Ying looking out of the window the whole time, despite flying with a plane plenty of times. Something about being in the air, inside this room just the two of them, not connected to the ground, made him relaxed.
As they land, the sky turns a pretty purple and Wei Ying can't stop staring at it while they walk to the airport gates. In the end Lan Zhan has to hold his shoulders and guide him. Maybe Wei Ying blushes. Maybe Lan Zhan snorts but pats his shoulders.
When they arrive at the house, the sky is almost a very dark shade of blue, the purple long gone and it feels like coming home.
They walk inside, Wei Ying going to the kitchen to make ice tea for them both, while Lan Zhan goes and open the sliding door in the living room. He searches for a cable and finds it under a fake plant and sighs. He grabs it and plugs it in, watches how the garden that connects to the beach starts lighting up. Row after row of fairy lights turn on, some small, others in the shape of a bulb and the pathway to their usual and favourite place is lit up.
He takes off his jacket, just some light denim and sets it on the couch inside before he takes off his shoes and walks outside. He breathes in and slightly smiles at the smell of the ocean. Every time they come here Lan Zhan feels relaxed, feels like a different person.
He walks along the path built by them, flat rocks inside the earth, things drawn on them or written. When they put together this garden, they had an idea of having a memory path. So, some of the most important memories are written down or drawn.
Lan Zhan becoming winning a prize for the global contemporary dance competition. He was so afraid that he'd fail but in the end he came first place and that day is still precious to him.
Wei Ying’s first tour, first stop in New York actually. Wei Ying was so nervous he threw up two times before he went on the stage. In the end he was a natural and his voice didn't waver once.
Jiang Li, Wei Ying’s sister, giving birth to Jin Ling, a small child that used to call Lan Zhan “Uncle Rich”, he stopped now.
Jiang Cheng, Wei Ying’s brother and Nie Huaisang scoring first and second place in the global archery competition.
Wen Qing’s and Jiang Li’s wedding, which happened a year after Jin Ling was born.
Lan Xichen, Lan Zhan’s brother, being accepted into the world's most prestigious concert group.
Wen Ning, one of their best friends, graduating and being the top of his year.
Wen Yuan, Wen Ning’s and Wen Qing’s nephew being adopted by Wen Qing and Jiang Li.
So many memories were recorded on those stones and so many memories were held in this garden. Happiness, sadness, fear and numbness. So much has this garden witnessed and so much more has it gave to them.
The path led to the edge of the garden, where small, wooden stairs took over and went around a big boulder which had a flat surface on top. The surface was big enough for two hanging chairs and a small table, which Wei Ying and Lan Zhan occupied often.
This was almost a tradition of theirs, arriving here, drinking ice tea (or hot chocolate in winter), on this boulder, watching the day fade away into the night until only far away lights of a far away island remained.
This boulder was also a special place because on it were shared the deepest of secrets, the happiest of news, the saddest of things. It was also a place where Wei Ying relaxed and stayed quiet, not feeling the urge to fill the silence.
They were thinking of adding a small waterfall to the side of the boulder which face the house, with small lights and a pond big enough for a few fish to swim in. They decided against it because despite being here often they also weren't here often enough to properly care for it all.
Lan Zhan was pushing the hanging chair with his foot just a little bit as he heard Wei Ying ascend the stairs.
He watched the latter put down the two drinks and sit down. After a few seconds, Wei Ying made small noise and got up opening a latch between the hanging chairs. He got out a small portable mosquito repellent and turned it on, put it between them by their feet. He closed the latch, it served as a lock for a small space in the boulder which had just enough space for two blankets, this mosquito repellent and a few small things.
Then he sat back down, leaning back and swinging in the quiet of the evening.
There's something different about Wei Ying when they're here, too. He's not as vibrant, not as talkative, more relaxed and calm.
Perhaps this place is a safe haven for them both.
Lan Zhan takes a sip of his ice tea, blueberry flavoured, his favorite, and leans back as well, his hair floating around his head.
Lan Zhan’s hair is longer than Wei Ying’s, he's figured out long ago just what type of character and genre of music he wishes to portray and so he let his hair grow since he was 17, often opting for wearing it half up half down, just so they weren't in his eyes.
Each swing of his chair feels like another worry taken off his shoulders and it's so different to both his and Wei Ying’s everyday, where they're both stressed, that it sometimes feels alien. It feels as though it's unnatural.
He spares a glance in Wei Ying’s direction and feels his lips twitch. There Wei Ying is, completely still in the hanging chair as he softly snores, nose twitching every few seconds. His hair, most of it out of the bun by now, is covering half of his face as the wind messes it up.
Lan Zhan looks forward again and sees a small light blinking in the air. He slowly moves and crouches next to Wei Ying.
“A-Ying, wake up, c’mon, the fireflies are here.”
Wei Ying moves only to grab hold of Lan Zhan’s finger then promptly snores again,to with the latter snorts and acquires a fond look in his eyes.
He softly shakes Wei Ying’s shoulder: “C’mon A-Ying. Wake up. A-Ying..”
He sighs as the latter still doesn't move so he opts for another technique.
Due to him being younger, Wei Ying often called himself ‘didi’ to which Lan Zhan usually snorted.
“A-Ying, A-Zhan would really like you to wake up. Please? For gege?”
He never liked those titles much, not for any reason particularly, but he felt as though he couldn't put anyone in those categories.
To the last word, Wei Ying moved slightly, huffing and slowly opened his eyes: “A-Zhan?”
“Mn, wake up, the fireflies are here.”
Wei Ying woke up instantly, though he didn't move, his eyes were wide as he watched Lan Zhan. Or somewhere above him.
“A-Zhan,” he said softly, “there's a firefly on your hair.”
Wei Ying giggled and slowly picked it up, making sure not to touch the wings.
When they came to this house together for the second time, Wei Ying was in a bad place.
The fame was getting to him, a lot of fans trying to find out where he lived and it scared him. Though those fans fiddled out quickly, he still moved just in case at which point Lan Zhan move in too.
When they came here, it was just after moving in together, Wei Ying still quite paranoid and anxious. The first time they actually sat up here was the time when they discovered the fireflies. There wasn't any hanging chairs or tables yet, no roomy in the boulder, no mosquito repellent. There wasn't any fairy lights or stone paths.
They sat up here for hours, Lan Zhan holding Wei Ying as the latter sobbed into his chest after spilling his fears that arose.
After a few minutes of quiet, some sniffling and shaky breaths, Lan Zhan let a firefly land on his open palm.
“Look, if Wei Ying ever feels sad, overwhelmed or has something he does not want, he should tell the fireflies. Whisper it to them, then let them fly away. The fireflies will carry whatever Wei Ying said to the gods above so the gods know that Wei Ying is not okay and will go about to fix it right away.”
Wei Ying laughed then, but since then, he was found to whispering to the fireflies, sometimes ten of them, and watch them fly away.
And like that he whispered to the firefly, too soft for Lan Zhan to hear and let the firefly go.
It wasn't uncommon for the two to end up sitting on the floor in front of the small table, legs hanging down the boulder and watch the sky. The fireflies usually tended to fly around there, around the beach and around the garden, so they could see them no matter where they looked.
The ocean was calm,as it usually was here and the smell the wind carried was enough to feel as though they weren't fifty or more meters away but only one.
The night went on peacefully, and slowly, in the morning hours, when the air was a little too cold, did the two get inside, close the door and did their evening routine. This night was particularly calm, no strange noises from the wind or birds. It was quiet, eerily so, and it also impacted their sleep.
Despite the night being calm, both slept pitifully, so neither were too happy when they woke up. Still, they put on shoes and a shirt, they only had bathing shorts under and went to a nearby café.
It was right on the beach, opening at six am. There was maybe three other people besides the two. Lan Zhan ordered tea, while Wei Ying got coffee. They each ordered a croissant and watched the sun rise.
The day was as hot as the others, and yet the two didn't mind, swimming in the water, diving and finding shells. At one point they had a competition to see who will find the most shells in three minutes. Wei Ying won, but only by one shell, as three fell right out of Lan Zhan’s hand when he came up for air.
For lunch, Wei Ying went to the nearby store, bought the things needed and returned, where Lan Zhan just finished wiping down the table after opening most windows and the glass door.
Lunch was a quiet affair, Lan Zhan made Mung Bean noodles braised with shrimps and mushrooms, and Wei Ying went to the cellar afterwards for a glass of wine for both.
Though Lan Zhan didn't drink, in this house he did allow himself a glass.
It was in the middle of the week, therefore there was only tourists at the nearby beach, separated by the fence, not even a big amount of them, so it was peaceful again.
Lan Zhan brought out his guqin and Wei Ying’s dizi, not the same one they had in New York, but well looked after still. They played some classical pieces, then a piece they wrote together as well.
And so the day ended and the two were on the boulder still, now two tea’s in front of them instead of their instruments.
“Hey, A-Zhan, let's sleep in the living room today.”
“Mn.”
They went inside earlier than the previous day, wanting to be well rested for the flight tomorrow.
It's been a month since their trip to Sanya, and Wei Ying’s been working all the time. He's been stressed before but this is a whole new level. He goes into the studio in the morning and comes out at night, sometimes even forgetting to eat. It's the same everyday. He's working on a new album, he still doesn't have a name but he's written most of the songs already.
He's also going on a small tour, which will have 15 stops, all in Europe. The tour is mostly for the fans that can't afford to go to other countries.
On this tour he's performing his latest album called “Reverse”. This album was especially loved by his fans, the songs in it containing lyrics about his childhood, his dreams and such.
After three months of stress building up he decides to take a day off, drags all his friends including his family into a bar, which they rent for a few hours since Wei Ying is a famous person therefore he has to care for his image.
He decides to get smashed.
That's why he wakes up to a cold bed, in the middle of the night, ir perhaps early morning, windows open in the chilly air of october and a pounding headache. His head throbs like someone is smashing a sledgehammer into it. He's grateful that no matter how much he drinks he doesn't throw up.
There's water on his nightstand, two advils and a post it note.
“Gone to brother's for the day. Take care of the hangover. Work tomorrow. A-Zhan.”
Wei Ying smiles at the note then his forehead throbs painfully again and he groans, downing the advils in a moment.
He gets up, taking a shower since he painfully reeks of alcohol and bad choices probably. He's also sweaty even though it's pretty cold, so he makes sure to shower with lukewarm water, it usually fixes the problem of sweating for him.
He checks the time and finds out it's seven am. He groans again, softly this time, mindful of the headache and prepares breakfast. He makes himself some toast, he'd eat eggs but oil would actually make him throw up right now.
He scrolls through Instagram, Twitter and other apps before sighing and closing them all, opting for putting on some music while he lays on the couch and relaxes.
Before he lays down he grabs the rabbits and gives them food, then settles on the couch. He waits until bunnies are done eating, at which point they hop towards him and he puts them on the couch, curling up around them.
“Yew, where you two good? Was Sayan good? I think I drank too much yesterday,” he whines and boops both of their noses and remembers the weird dream he had.
“Gosh, Sayan imagine if I actually did what I dreamt, gods that'd be absolutely terrible and horrifying. Uugh, I need to call shijie and see what I did yesterday. Nap time first though.”
His breathing evens out and the rabbits stick close to him. He wakes half an hour later when there's a ringing at the door.
He gets up and almost trips over his own sock which slid off while he slept. He opens the door and sees Wen Qing, Jiang Cheng and Wen Ning.
He lets them in and closes the door, still looking after them confused.
“Why the fuck are you all awake at this god forsaken hour?”
He expects Jiang Cheng to say something witty back but the latter doesn't.
He squints, then sighs and goes back on the couch, cuddling Yew and Sayan. He pets them while they wiggle in his lap.
The other three soon join him, each with a coffee in their hands, Wen Qing giving him one as well. He thanks her and happily takes a sip, cringing at the taste. No spice, overly bitter, how the fuck does his sister even drink this.
“So why the fuck are you all here? Not that I'm complaining, but it's usually not you three alone whenever I do something stupid.”
Wen Qing huffs and takes a sip before placing her mug on the table: “A-Li drove A-Ling to the kindergarten, she'll be here in about an hour, apparently they wanted to give some instructions about some psychological stuff for the kids. Like the kids are three let them be jesus fuck.”
Wei Ying nods, still confused but glad his sister will be coming later.
“We're here because of yesterday. First of all I didn't think you could get drunk in the middle of the day then sleep through the other half of the day, so congrats for that.”
Jiang Cheng’s tone is sarcastic, but there's some fondness so Wei Ying lets it go. It's not Jiang Cheng’s fault that his mom was a little bit of a bitch and his dad was too focused on making him into a good business man that he forgot to show love, so now Jiang Cheng had problems with expressing himself.
When Jiang Fengmian, his dad, died, Jiang Chen changed his major and became an archer instead. He was training since small, but wasn't allowed to pursue it as a profession before.
“Since all three of you are here and shijie is coming as well, I'm feeling like I fucked something up.”
Wen Ning choked on his hot chocolate, coffee wasn't his cup of tea and proceeded to have a coughing fit.
“A-Ning swallow properly.”
Wen Ning blushed bright red but nodded and Jiang Cheng seemed quite ready to beat Wei Ying up. Wen Qing seemed amused.
“You- let's wait for A-Li, okay?”
Fear started to creep into Wei Ying and he nodded, petting the rabbits.
By the time Jiang Li arrived, the coffee was long gone and so was Wei Ying’s sanity. His hands were trembling slightly where they pet the rabbits.
“Shijie, please, I need to know, what did I do? I didn't fuck anything up, did I?”
Jiang Li’s smile became softer: “Oh, A-Xian, my XianXian, come here.”
She opened her arms wide and Wei Ying almost fell into her hug. He was shaking more so, now that his shijie was there.
“You, okay so, we all were drinking, but you drank quite a bit more, which is understandable after the stress you were in. Um, so you drank and by the seventh shot we were already getting up to go home, when you grabbed Wangji’s arm as he tried to get up.”
Wei Ying found it cute how his shijie loved to call both him and Lan Zhan by their stage names. It happened once as they met when she called Lan Zhan ‘Wangji’ and it stuck ever since. He's been he A-Xian since small, because back then he talked big about wanting to be a part of the next biggest band in the world and that his stage name would be Wuxian. He wasn't part of a band but the name held.
“And then?”
Jiang Cheng got up and walked to the kitchen saying he was thirsty.
“Then, my dear A-Xian, you pulled his arm hard, until he almost fell back on his ass and kissed him.”
Wen Qing snorted at the bluntness while Wei Ying’s world was tilting on its axis.
I-I kissed him? Which dumb fuck let me have alcohol oh fuck I've ruined it all haven't I? Fuck, does he remember? He must, he was probably sober. God, never have I wanted him drunk more than now.
His breathing picked up as he entered a state of absolute panic. He's not had a panic attack since he was a child and saw Jiang Cheng's dogs for the first time.
He sobbed into Jiang Li’s shoulder, loudly and his breath hitched ever few seconds. It was getting harder to breathe, but a second later he felt strong arms around him and squeezing him just enough to feel grounded, and the panic slowly subdued. He didn't stop sobbing, he did however start breathing as normally as he could as sobs wrecked his body.
He was crying for two reasons. One, Lan Zhan probably hates him now. Two, his friends and family know of his feelings too. As selfish as it is, he still didn't want them to know. He doesn't feel any relief with sharing this, feels almost like another burden was added to his shoulders.
Jiang Cheng was holding him from the back while Jiang Li was holding him in the front. As much as they were sometimes funnily dysfunctional, he was glad that they shared this bond. He was happy that he had them, that he was able to cry like this without being judged through and through.
As his sobs quieted down, he heard Jiang Li and Jiang Cheng humming a song Jiang Li sang to them both when they were small and got hurt or cried.
As he calmed down, he simply stayed in the embrace, it happened not often enough so he wanted to savour every second of it. Sometimes he missed the house they grew up in. Missed that childhood. Well, up until he was about ten when Madam Yu got absolutely bitchy and Jiang Fengmian became more closed off towards Jiang Cheng.
They played in the water, whether it be the stream their house was close to, or in the bath. Jiang Li sometimes even joined, despite being scolded by Madam Yu later.
They were happy. And they are happy now. But a child's happiness is different from an adult’s happiness. Still important but less in its entirety.
And adult is happy that the bills are paid, that they have something to eat, that they have a job so they can live. A child is happy when they see a pretty flower, when their mom smiles, when their siblings play with them.
It's still that happiness that Wei Ying searches as he goes on tours and meets new people. It's that happiness that he wishes for when he lays in his bad, hours after he's usually asleep, pretending there's someone who wishes the same. It's that happiness that he longs for in the house by the beach in Sanya, when he and Lan Zhan are alone and living. It's that happiness he wants when Lan Zhan slightly smiles at him, when they do nothing but pet the rabbits or play a duet.
After four hours, the family leaves. Wei Ying is alone again, his thoughts still running a mile per minute, his body unmoving from the couch. The rabbits were fed again right before the others left, and now they're napping next to their cage.
Wei Ying only moved to get his notebook from his room, already more than half full, with lyrics, drawings, thoughts, things he wishes but doesn't dare say. A new notebook is sitting in his closet, he usually buys three or four at once, as he goes through them quickly.
There's an unfinished sketch on the first page, half coloured lips, an eye half shaded. There's a poem thirteen pages after, full of longing, of pretty words and confused rambling as for the first time the writer couldn't get his feelings out. There's a finished drawing on the fortieth page, of a man's profile, eyes closed, hair let down and flying in the wind. It's coloured but only lightly so, a pale blue used for details.
There's a hurried sketch of a small smile, not quite right, the page ripped a little as the person who drew grew frustrated. There's a whole letter from page twenty seven to page thirty eight. There's a page, empty except for one word in the bottom corner, written not too small not too big: love.
Now there's three more pages full of things he wishes he could say, wishes he could throw out, but he would stammer, he would grow frustrated, freeze, he'd hate himself and grow angry. There's a new page of lyrics, just three lines, something that might grow into something someday.
There's Wei Ying’s fingers, blue from ink, as he write with an ink pen, as if writing with something given to him by the person he loves would somehow send the words to the latter.
He's tired, his headache long gone, the day slipping into night. He's shaking again, anxious about what will happen when Lan Zhan comes home.
He waits, and waits until his back hurts from being twisted towards the door. His fingers are anxiously tapping his knee.
The door never opens. Wei Ying doesn't sleep.
He drags himself to the studio the next day, his mood as sour as vinegar. He doesn't greet anyone, he doesn't smile, nor make eye contact. Is it even Wei Ying anymore?
If Lan Zhan was here he'd say yes. It is Wei Ying. Albeit the one most do not know. This is a Wei Ying that gets stuck in his head, that doesn't stop shaking, that doesn't move at all except for his trembling hands. It's a Wei Ying that needs care the most, needs arms around him, holding him, grounding him.
But Lan Zhan isn't here. And it's Wei Ying’s fault anyway.
He sees Lan Zhan again when he comes home, late at night. He wasn't at the studio, Wen Qing sent him home after she saw him, but he just walked around New York. He got lost two times but still managed to come home.
Lan Zhan is pacing in the living room as Wei Ying enters the apartment and it would be funny if Wei Ying wasn't scared shitless. His heart has been pounding since half an hour ago, when he tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. He even thought of going to Jiang Cheng instead, but that would be cruel of him. Would be cruel to Lan Zhan. He didn't do anything wrong.
He takes off his shoes sluggishly, takes off his coat and scarf and hangs them. He sighs and looks at Lan Zhan.
The latter is clearly worried, angry, frustrated, sad. He's a walking negative emotion and yet Wei Ying doesn't have it in his mind to care.
He walks past him, to the kitchen and gets himself a coffee. He's so tired that the fact, that this coffee isn't the one Lan Zhan makes, makes him tear up. He wipes his eyes with his sleeves and sits at the table, almost spilling the coffee as his hands shake.
He hears footsteps and a hand takes away his coffee replacing it a minute later with tea.
Wei Ying slumps in the chair. His head is so heavy and his shoulders ache. His arms feel like they're made of ants and his legs feel like they're about to fall off. He slurps the tea, not even being able to lift the cup.
He hears Lan Zhan calling someone, sitting in front of him: “He's home. Thanks.”
The line ends and the phone is placed on the table.
“You-” he hears a shuddering inhale “I was worried. Where were you?”
Wei Ying shrugs as much as he can: “Sorry, don't know, here and there. I'm home though, aren't I?”
The tea is lukewarm, tastes of lavender and camomile.
He pushes the empty cup away and lays his head on the table. He looks out of the window, the night is calm but ugly, darkness crawling inside the room, swallowing everything it touches as a beast. As a monster that hunts and this day is its prey.
The light is on, he notices, in the kitchen only, the living room bathed in darkness and monsters that will crawl inside his head once he lays in his bed. Perhaps he'd rather have Lan Zhan angry at him for hours instead of going to bed at this moment.
He's shivering, the cold outside too sharp for his jacket and scarf. He needs a warm bath, a hot chocolate, a hug. He needs a lot. He wants a lot. But which is which? Is he even allowed to want?
Still, he tries to get up, take a quick hot shower and fall between the sheets. He staggers as he stands up, catching himself on the edge of the table. Right away, there's an arm supporting his weight. And it's normal, it is, who wouldn't help their friend when they stumble, who wouldn't carry their weight for someone they care for? Everyone would.
So why is he tearing up, why are his hands balling into fists at the table. Why is one of the hands holding onto Lan Zhan’s sweater like it's the lifeline. Why is he crying? Hadn't he cried enough? Who even said he's worthy of crying tears for Lan Zhan?
Why is he falling into Lan Zhan’s arms even though he wants to stay away, wants to protect his best friend, the love of his life. He just wants to keep this friendship, so why is he so weak?
He's only seen Lan Zhan cry once, and that time broke him forever. He vowed to do everything in his power to make Lan Zhan happy, to have him only ever cry tears of happiness. But was he keeping Lan Zhan happy or was he doing this for himself?
Just who was he? Who was Wei Ying? Who was the figure Wei Wuxian, that people adored? Who was A-Xian? Who was A-Ying? It surely wasn't him because neither of those were this weak, this terrified of a single emotion, this crappy at keeping only one person happy. They were all him but he was neither of them. Just who was he?
It wasn't like his fears got the best of him every day but there were days where he sat unmoving, staring at the wall, or crying curled into a ball. Through all of these, Lan Zhan was there and yet, the fear that he was about lose him for a small, stupid kiss was overwhelming him.
“It's okay, I'm here. I'm here, breathe,” he hears and tries to take a deep breath which turns into a full on sob which makes him choke on his own spit
Eventually he tires himself out, combined with the whole day he falls asleep like that, not noticing during his crying that Lan Zhan moved them to the floor.
He sleeps and he wakes and sleeps again a cycle repeated through the night. Each time he wakes he looks next to him and when he sees Lna Zhan he falls back asleep. At one point Lan Zhan wasn't there and Wei Ying kept staring at the empty side next to him until Lan Zhan came back, who probably went to the bathroom, and slid back next to him, holding him.
If you asked Lan Zhan, he didn't sleep at all. He maybe closed his eyes for ten minutes during the whole night but he was afraid something would happen as he was sleeping so he stayed awake and just stared at Wei Ying and thought.
He worried about Wei Ying. He worried more than he did when his brother broke his leg when they were kids.
And the kiss. He won't say it wasn't nice, he liked it of course, Wei Ying’s lips were soft, and even if he was drunk he kissed gently, like Lan Zhan was something to be treasured.
But Lan Zhan wasn't in love with Wei Ying. He loved him, yes, but as much as a friend loves another. As much as a soulmate loves another. He noticed a few times that maybe Wei Ying’s eyes were too fond when they looked at him, but he let Wei Ying deal with it. Believed it was a crush, everyone has those.
He considered Wei Ying his soulmate, he would trust Wei Ying with his life, and sometimes, looking at Wei Ying like this, he regretted not being able to trust Wei Ying with his heart.
He knows that once someone falls in love, it's bound to come crashing down. He's seen it with his own eyes, heard it from other's mouths, felt it in this very moment as he watched Wei Ying sleep.
He hoped, if not longed for their friendship to stay intact. He'd pray to gods if he had to, if only he got to keep what they had. But thinking of it, what they had, it always involved one that was in love. And you can't really go back, can you? You can't go back to something that wasn't there.
A few times he's had the thought of getting a partner just for Wei Ying to realize he didn't like him but banished the thoughts as they would cause more harm.
He wishes for so much, so many things, wants so much, but he knows that wishing too much is dangerous. It gets ugly and dirty, it turns twisted. He's known ever since that kiss, that their friendship will never be the same.
If Wei Ying wanted, he'd forget about the kiss, but he knows Wei Ying wouldn't. Knows he wouldn't stop thinking of negative emotions, negative things that clouded his mind, knows in the end things would still be in shambles. He just hopes to rescue a few happy things, a few happy moments he can keep.
A bit of happiness to accompany them both on their roads, as it's clear that it's time for them to part. Their roads aren't aligned anymore, to continue would be like slowly cooking a live animal, turning the heat up slowly until the animal dies, not even realizing anything was wrong. And he doesn't want that.
He wants Wei Ying happy. He wants himself happy. And now, those two are not the only two things to be important anymore. Too many twists and turns, too many words said, unsaid, too many actions left alone, too much time spent on others.
Losing a friend is harder than losing a love he thinks, partly because he's never lost a love, partly because he believes friends matter more. He only hopes that in a few years time, Wei Ying will forgive him, will be able to start anew.
The morning comes with hues of purple, then pink and orange and a shadow of a yellow falls onto Wei Ying’s cheek, disturbing his sleep. Lan Zhan goes and closes the curtains just enough that the light doesn't disturb the one sleeping.
He watches the lights on the wall.
Not now A-Ying. Maybe in the future, maybe in the next life, but not now.
He lets Wei Ying sleep as he goes about his morning routine. A few minutes after four, Wei Ying finally relaxed enough to fully sleep. Lan Zhan fed the rabbits, ate a breakfast himself, then looked for the key of a cabinet they both knew of. The cabinet didn't have a name, wasn't mentioned whatsoever. It contained cigarettes, even joints.
He opened the cabinet and took out four cigarettes. He locked it again and put the key where it was, on the highest shelf with some spices, under a cup of rice.
Before he brushed his teeth he left a note next to Wei Ying.
He grabbed a lighter from a holder where they kept keys and small things and walked on the balcony. He shivered but exhaled. The cold outside was nothing like the cold Wei Ying must be feeling. Nothing like the cold he will be feeling in a few months time, maybe a year. He doesn't know, sometimes hopes he did, so he could do as much in the time they had left to share.
He put the cigarettes on the small, round glass table and lit one up, holding the smoke in then letting it out.
Neither smoked. One was a contemporary dancer while the other was a singer, neither could afford to smoke and damage their lungs. But for times like these, when it all seems too much, when there's so much to say or nothing at all, they let themselves smoke. They're not addicted, hadn't opened the cabinet in half a year. The cabinet also had a rule, whenever one wishes to smoke, the other has to be present, whether to talk, to listen or just be there. Never alone.
He knows Wei Ying will wake in less than five minutes. He's a little bit smug that he fixed Wei Ying’s sleep schedule. As he smokes he watched the sky change colours, he listens to the city waking up again from what it was at night, just soft murmurs of a night life merely an arm length away.
As he predicts, Wei Ying comes on the balcony in a huge sweater, warm sweatpants and fluffy socks. His hair is in a bun the front hair framing his face and his hands are mostly covered by the sleeves. Only the tips of his fingers peek out.
Lan Zhan lights another cigarette and offers it to Wei Ying who accepts it with a nod. Together they stand there, until both have smoked two cigarettes. And they're both itching for more but this situation is not one they can smoke away and clear out like the smoke does as it's carried away by the wind.
They stand until Lan Zhan starts shivering, his clothes much thinner than Wei Ying’s and he leads the latter inside. He makes hot chocolate, outs in two marshmallows and gives it to Wei Ying while he drinks tea.
They don't talk. Even if it's time to do so, neither are ready. Both feel what is to come, know that no matter how much they try, until both grow more, clear their heads, they won't be able to be friends. Not close ones at least. No more can they tell eachother everything, because they feel as though it's inappropriate, shameful.
Yew and Sayan both feel the tension, Sayan hopping to Lan Zhan while Yew hops towards Wei Ying.
While petting the rabbits, neither looks at the other.
Time flies by. The day goes on like this, silence, random feet pattering about, a shaky inhale or exhale every few minutes or so. It feels like and ending to a story that hadn't even properly begun yet. A prologue, before the author even got an idea of the plot. A summary, before the story was done, left alone to gather dust. A fleeting idea, with few scenes, stored in a memory, forgotten moments later. A red string tangled so much it has several knots.
There's still a red string connected to both of their pinkies, but it's frail, holding on for dear life, so many knots and so so loose, dragging on the floor with the weight of each unsaid thing, each conversation that didn't happen, that even the strongest wind wouldn't be able to move it. But it's at its worst. There's no way it could be worse and that in itself is a relief. A small mercy.
So, they don't talk. Lan Zhan starts preparing for an upcoming competition and Wei Ying is in his studio again, words flowing out of him, sometimes scaring him. They see each other less and less but on the day Lan Zhan leaves the stand in the hallway, hugging, holding each other, happy for the other but still hesitating to let go. Afraid something will happen. Something will break. Something or someone would shatter.
And Wei Ying watches the competition where it's broadcasted on the TV, he watches another round on his laptop while he's on the plane to Europe, he cheers out loud and cries when a certain piece hits just so. He texts Lan Zhan encouragements and his thoughts, praises him for all of the things he does or says, because he feels as though he's allowed to say it now. Not because Lan Zhan loves him, but because he knows Wei Ying does, and he lets himself have the little feeling of happiness as he knows that praise makes the other blush lightly, his ears turning red.
He goes through his concerts in a haze, there's so much adrenaline, so much high spirits that he doesn't let himself think of the shambles of the home that await him back in New York.
He puts a reminder in his phone to write a new memory on a stone in Sanya, Lan Zhan breaking a world's record of how many points someone has gotten.
During his concerts he's Wei Wuxian, not Wei Ying, and so he doesn't know of sadness and despair in that time, he sends Lan Zhan a text after every show ‘I made it!” which started as a joke between them and only after the tenth concert, two hours after it, ten weeks into the tour, does he realize that Lan Zhan has stopped replying to those texts. Or that he only sees them at a very later time. He hopes sometimes that Lan Zhan still watches lives of his concerts, he knows his fans do that for those who can't afford to go and he's happy his fans are kind.
Right now, after the eleventh concert he sits in his hotel room, in Venice, staring at those small four letters and realizing that they do hurt as much as teenagers say they do.
“Seen.”
“I love you,” he says to the empty room, the streets outside are quiet but he feels like everyone is screaming. He misses Sanya, misses sitting on the boulder with Lan Zhan, misses swimming with him, misses him.
His fans are called butterflies and he ironically smiles at the name. At first he gave his fandom that name because he thought of all of them as unique, beautiful, able to achieve anything.
He's connected another meaning to them now.
To butterflies he would tell of the world, of the pretty places and beautiful scenery. He would tell them of his birthday, of watching a good movie, of a favourite food. He would tell them of his favourite smiles and wonderful memories, he would tell them stories of his favourite people, of his favourite lyrics, of books he read and things he achieved. He would thank them and apologize to them for things that sometimes might not even be his fault. He would be the perfect role model they needed, a person they relied on.
But to fireflies, he would tell of his darkest secrets, of the monsters inside his head and claws stuck in his neck. He would cry to them and ask for help, begging on his knees to relieve him of the pain, he wouldn't say thank you, nor would he apologize because between them that was never needed. They never expected anything from them and neither did he expect anything from the fireflies. They would never tell his secrets, wouldn't talk of him and that made him feel better somehow.
And as much as he was grateful and happy, right now he hated Wei Wuxian with a passion, hated the person that was always happy, that carried a gleam in their eyes, a smile never leaving their face. He hated Wei Wuxian and if he wasn't careful he would start hating everyone connected to him too.
After his fourteenth concert he texts Lan Zhan again, on a walk around the city, a bodyguard walking close by just in case.
He receives a call and answers immediately.
“Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan.”
The silence stretches and Wei Ying hears Lan Zhan huff.
“This can't go on like this. You know that.”
He does. He says nothing.
“Please answer me? I'm trying to have a conversation at least?”
Wei Ying understands the implication and it hurts despite the fact that it's true.
“Okay, let's talk. What is it?”
“I-god! Fuck, this-this stalemate we're at is hurting both of us. And I understand, A-Ying. I do. But I cannot continue like this.”
Wei Ying knows, knows Lan Zhan understands him more than he understands himself, but he wishes for a fight. Longs for the spike of adrenaline, longs for feeling something except hate again. Because he could never hate Lan Zhan. Not him.
“Do I look like I'm enjoying this? Do I look like I'm happy walking around my best friend like I'm scared to break him because I once got fucking drunk and kissed him? Do I look like I want to continue like this? Hmm, Lan Zhan? Do I? Because I'm pretty sure I fucking don't.
“Sorry, for fucking falling in love with your and I'm sorry that I couldn't fall out of love, I'm sorry I fucked it up, I'm sorry I couldn't repress my feelings and push them down until I couldn't even remember them anymore.
“I'm sorry that you're in pain like this, I'm sorry that I couldn't pretend just a little longer and make you happy as a friend. I'M SORRY OKAY?”
Wei Ying sobs and he hears Lan Zhan sniffle too. And it's not as good as he thought it would feel. It hurts him even more now. So he couldn't fall out of love, and now he even made him cry? Great, what an amazing person he is.
“I'm sorry,” he whispers, hoping for gods above to strike him dead so he no longer has to bear this guilt.
“I'm sorry too, A-Ying, for all it's worth. I am. When you return home, I'll be gone. I'll leave whatever was here when I arrived, I'll take my items and hopefully this solves it. Do you want to have custody of Yew and Sayan? I can leave them at brother's and we can share them,” Lan Zhan’s voice is strained, he sniffs every few words.
Wei Ying stops breathing for a second. It's too late it seems. The red string on their pinkies falls down completely, a single thin thread still holding on.
“No, god you know they love you more than they love me. Besides you take care of them properly, I can't even take care of myself.”
There's silence again it seems. Wei Ying wonders when the silence began and laughter stopped.
“Goodbye, A-Ying.”
“Bye, A-Zhan.”
With a click, his whole world is gone, darkness like no other dancing with his shadow. The monsters which Lan Zhan kept at bay that night in the kitchen, crawl towards him, and they're everywhere, he's inhaling them, gulping down air as he struggles to breathe, they slither through his ears and settle in his brain. The world become dark and empty, the only saviour gone, the beacon of light, shut down.
He watches the river he stopped at for the next few minutes which feel like an eternity, wishing the fireflies were there.
After the fifteenth, last concert of the tour has ended, Wei Ying lets himself mourn. He mourns a lost companion, a lost friend, a friendship ruined. He doesn't mourn a lost love because there wasn't any. He doesn't mourn the love of his life because he has no right to. He doesn't mourn the what ifs and hopeful questions. He mourns Lan Zhan, and then he stops.
He writes his album whole, names it “A soulmate that wasn't meant to be” and releases it.
He goes on a year long hiatus, his mental health in shambles, his physical not so far behind. Returning to an empty apartment every night is so lonely that he often asks his friends if they want to sleep over. They usually do, they pamper him and offer advice or just their ears. They offer their hugs and fond eyes and if Wei Ying was more of a person he would've been able to respond in the same manner.
But his eyes nowadays are dim, their shine long gone, his mouth turned upwards only when others are around. He's tired again, the monsters are still there.
He buys a night light in the shape of a bunny, proceeds to cry the first night about it and buys another three to stick in the bathroom, living room, his room and the kitchen. He has a lamp that works on batteries for the balcony.
Three months after Lan Zhan left, the cabinet was emptied.
Six months after Lan Zhan left, Wei Ying printed all photos he had and made a few memory boards. One is hung up in the living room, others are hidden in his closet.
Not once did he open Lan Zhan’s room.
In that year, he doesn't heal. Not as much as he wishes to at least. He still yearns for Lan Zhan, years for a kiss he doesn't remember, arms to hold which he doesn't remember the feeling of anymore.
He knows that one day, they might meet again. One day he might meet someone will turn his life around and he'll fall in love and that person will be the love of that part of his life and onwards or he might get his heart broken.
And that person will receive love from him, he'll cherish them with all he has, all he is, all he was. And they won't be Lan Zhan, they won't be like him but maybe that's the point. Everyone is unique, why would anyone be the same.
He won't love anyone as he loved Lan Zhan and he won't love Lan Zhan in the way he'll love another. And he might regret a lot, but those regrets are small compared to the fact that even now he's guilty of robbing Lan Zhan a life companion just because he fell in love.
But after a year, he was at least half ready to sing that album live. If he went on tour right after the release, he would've choked up, would've cried or done something else that would ruin his career, that would shatter even the part of his heart that still stood strong.
A year changes a person. It bring new additions, different things, happy and sad.
Wen Qing and his shijie adopted a little girl named Alex. Wen Ning found a job. His brother smiled more, usually around Alex, but he did. Nie Huaisang got married, after being engaged for five years and his brother, drunk, almost ruined the wedding giving his, now husband, the shovel talk. After this tour A-Yuan will permanently move in with Wei Ying.
Even Wei Ying himself picked up some pieces of his heart. He still watched the competitions, his heart ached as he heard of Lan Zhan getting injured but not greatly. He still cheered out loud for him. He visited Lan Xichen once every two weeks, in the end Xichen was still the person who had the rabbits as Lan Zhan threw himself into competition.
Xichen never blamed him, which at first Wei Ying hated him for, but after a long talk, which Wei Ying realized he could've had with Lan Zhan, they became close friends.
At one point Xichen told him: “He has made his choices, you have made yours. Even if I believe that the situation could've been handled differently, maybe this is what both of you needed.”
He lived with that. With the knowledge of growing again, of gaining new knowledge, new experience, new everything.
He still texted Lan Zhan, though those were reserved for when he won something, when he had a birthday or when he, Wei Ying, was drunk. Though he never drank enough to be blackout drunk anymore. Most of the time he didn't even drink.
His first concert after the hiatus was hard, unexpectedly so, but he bared through it. The worst was at the end.
The first notes played and he felt his heart beat harder than it did for his first concert.
“I'm in my bed
And you're not here
And there's no one to blame
But the drink and my wandering hands”
“Then, my dear A-Xian, you pulled his arm hard, until he almost fell back on his ass and kissed him.”
“Forget what i said
It's not what i meant
And i can't take it back
I can't unpack the baggage you left”
They don't talk. Even if it's time to do so, neither are ready.
“What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'”
Just who was he? Who was Wei Ying? Who was the figure Wei Wuxian, that people adored? Who was A-Xian? Who was A-Ying? It surely wasn't him because neither of those were this weak, this terrified of a single emotion, this crappy at keeping only one person happy. They were all him but he was neither of them. Just who was he?
“What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin’”
They would never tell his secrets, wouldn't talk of him and that made him feel better somehow.
“You said you cared
And you missed me, too
And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you”
There's a poem thirteen pages after, full of longing, of pretty words and confused rambling as for the first time the writer couldn't get his feelings out.
“And the coffee's out
At the Beachwood Café
And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say”
It was right on the beach, opening at six am. There was maybe three other people besides the two. Lan Zhan ordered tea, while Wei Ying got coffee. They each ordered a croissant and watched the sun rise.
“What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'
What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'”
And as much as he was grateful and happy, right now he hated Wei Wuxian with a passion, hated the person that was always happy, that carried a gleam in their eyes, a smile never leaving their face. He hated Wei Wuxian and if he wasn't careful he would start hating everyone connected to him too.
“And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again”
“Goodbye, A-Ying.”
“Bye, A-Zhan.”
“What am I now?
What am I now?
What if you're someone I just want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin’”
Lan Zhan, he's always so mindful and careful, kind and protective. He's funny in his own way, hardworking, amazing in every aspect, it's no wonder Wei Ying fell in love with him.
“What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin’”
Talk about me to the fireflies Lan Zhan, let them hear everything I didn't. And one day we'll meet again, friend or foe, whatever as long as we enter each other's lives again.
And as the last notes carry out through the shocked crowd, Wei Ying realizes, maybe it was meant to be. Maybe, just maybe, this is just another of those things that bring people closer, that help people grow.
“Thank you everyone for attending! You were amazing! I decided to share a thought at the end of each show because sometimes we all need to hear some things, don't we?”
The crowd screams yes and some just scream. Wei Ying smiles.
“A person has the right to be happy. They have the right to not stay in your life, to choose their happiness over yours. They have the right to not love you or even like you. They have the right to be happy, to be sad and be mad, no matter the cause. We all feel differently, so please remember everyone! You have the right to be happy. You have the right to be selfish for once, and who knows you just might save two lives instead of none.”