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"You're being obvious," Regulus said through gritted teeth.
"I know." Sirius was completely unbothered by that, mostly because he was hoping for James bloody Potter to see him and realise that something was going on. Because as it stood, giving him chocolates hadn't worked, telling him he was fit hadn't worked, and sitting on his lap that one time hadn't worked. How James managed to rationalize all this in his mind, only Merlin knew. Honestly, what did he think for any of that? And Sirius knew that James wasn't trying to let him down easy, because he'd seen James turn someone down before and it hadn't been nearly as confusing.
"Do you think you could manage to not be so bloody embarrassing for two seconds?"
"I could, but I won't."
Regulus sighed, shoulders slumping.
"You're free to move seats if you want."
"And deal with any of these buggering people?"
"Watch your language."
"Excuse me?" Regulus said incredulously. " You are telling someone to watch their language? And since when do you care if I curse?"
"Since two hours ago."
Regulus narrowed his eyes at him, then his expression relaxed and he rolled his eyes. "You're trying to get me to stop bitching about Potter."
"Correct, ten points to little Reggie." Sirius ruffled Regulus's hair, just to piss him off.
"I wouldn't have to complain about him if you would stop talking about him."
"I wasn't talking about him, I was staring at him, and you brought it up. If you don't want to hear it, maybe you should stop instigating it."
"A possibility, but I'm going to try a different approach. Go ask him on a date," Regulus said, pointing a finger directly at Gryffindor table. "Ask him on a date and say it in as many words so he can't bloody misunderstand. Then he'll say yes, and you can stop being such a tosser."
"I'm not a tosser."
"You're a stupid liar, is what you are." Regulus paused. "And a tosser. And a bloody nuisance in my life, sweet Morgana, will you please go inflict your presence on somebody else for once?"
"Alright. When you're right, you're right," Sirius said, pushing himself up.
"Wait, what? You're going over there? Right now?"
"You just told me to."
"I didn't think you'd listen."
Sirius rolled his eyes and left, giving Regulus's hair another ruffle. He made his way towards Gryffindor's table and was relieved to see that there was empty space on the bench next to James. Some people were already done eating, so it wasn't packed full like it was at the start of supper. He could stand while he asked, but that was much more severe than the aura he wanted to project. Casual. Nonchalant. That's what he was going for, and Salazar willing, he would manage it.
"Hullo Potter," he said, dropping to sit next to him with a smile. "Going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?"
James's eyes narrowed. "It's not an Hogsmeade weekend."
"So? Madame Rosmerta doesn't snitch if you pop in for a butterbeer."
"I wouldn't know," James said primly, and Sirius got the feeling that he had already lost him. But how? James loved butterbeer, and Sirius knew for a fact that he didn't mind sneaking out of the castle for a pint every now and then.
"No? How about Honeyduke's? Word has it they have a new truffle collection from Belgium."
"I'm sure Remus would love to try it."
How did this keep happening to him? Sirius may not be a good person, but he was a good looking person and surely that was enough to secure him one measly date at seventeen years of age.
"Er," Remus said from across the table. He looked just as confused by James's refusal as Sirius felt. "I'm pretty sure Remus would not love to go on a date with him, but thanks."
"It wouldn't be a date, you berk," James said, and Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, keep telling yourself that mate." He clapped James on the shoulder and left-- read: sulked-- back to the Slytherin table.
"How'd it go?" Regulus asked, a knowing smirk on his face.
"Fuck off."
"That's not a good way to make friends."
"We're not friends, we're brothers, and you couldn't get rid of me if you tried."
"And Salazar how I try," Regulus muttered.
Parties were either fun celebrations in the common room with butterbeer and snacks from the kitchen, or it was a group of people in your year getting totally smashed and making questionable decisions-- most of them sexual in nature, cause they were teenagers. This party was one of the latter. Firewhiskey-- and a couple muggle liquors that only the muggleborns and half-bloods touched since they didn't have the same bite as firewhiskey-- was the drink of choice, of course, but there were some butterbeers and fizzy pop floating around so you didn't get pissed too quickly. Unless you were Marlene, who took five shots in a row then puked all over the carpet like she hadn't expected for that to happen.
Sirius was more than a little tipsy when he decided he was going to give it another shot with James. "Aaayyyy Jamie," Sirius said, trying to sit next to him suavely and only succeeding in flopping half on top of him. Okay, maybe he was actually drunk, not just tipsy. He put an arm around his shoulders for balance, and then that was a nice position to be in, so he scooted a little closer.
"M' name's James, not Jamie."
"Funnily enough, I noticed that. Enjoying the party?"
James sighed. "I was," he muttered, and it sounded very pointed.
"Er." Sirius took a quick look around-- which made him dizzy-- but he didn't see anybody else. "I didn't interrupt anything?"
"You interrupted my peace and quiet," James said, leaning forward, picking Sirius's arm up from around his shoulders, then leaning back again.
Sirius frowned. He was too drunk for this, and James was too sober. "Do you hate me or something?"
"I don't hate you, you hate me, and you keep bloody rubbing it in all the time," he said, getting to his feet.
Sirius listed, having to put a hand down on the cushion to stop from falling over entirely. Something had gotten lost between Sirius's mouth and Jame's ears, but fuck if he knew what or where it had occurred.
James wasn't seen for the rest of the party, and Sirius barely remembered it when he woke up with a hangover the next morning. The memory came back as the day went on, and Sirius did what he always did: bothered Regulus in the hopes of good advice. "James said he thinks I hate him," Sirius said after he found Regulus at a table in the library. "That's not normal, right?"
"Normal for all people who bother their brothers because they don't have any bloody mates? I think so."
"Language," Sirius said, and Regulus gave him an incredulous look like he always did. Sirius didn't feel like explaining that it was because if Regulus slipped up around their parents, he'd get a curse faster than he could say 'sorry Mum'. Why their parents cared so much about foul language, he had no idea, but it wasn't a pleasant experience; best to avoid it entirely. "Honestly, that's not normal. Why would he think that?"
"Who knows? Gryffindors are weird, you know this."
"They might be weird, but they're so cute," he sighed, eyes taking on a dreamy quality. He shook it off before looking at Regulus again. "Have I done anything to make him think that?"
"No."
"Reggie, you gotta work with me here."
"I am working with you; you haven't done anything. Potter's a bit mad, that's his problem, not mine. I don't see how you could possibly be more obvious about being arse over kettle for him."
"Never test my limits, I can always be more obvious."
"Short of snogging him and telling him you love him, I don't see how." Regulus paused. "Don't do that, what if he actually doesn't feel the same? That'd be too embarrassing to recover from."
"I can recover from quite a bit," Sirius said, his tone too thoughtful to be safe.
"Er, Sirius, whatever you're thinking, whatever you're planning, don't."
"I'm not thinking anything," he lied.
"When you get that look, it means you're going to get in trouble."
"Don't be stupid, I'll be fine. Thanks Reg," he said, then left without waiting another second.
Regulus stared after him for a moment, then shook his head. He had an exam to study for, and Sirius was going to get himself in trouble whether or not he tried to stop him.
For Sirius's part, he was thinking that maybe he needed to be more direct. He'd been obvious, sure, but the intention may not have been clear. Well, he'd been plenty clear actually, it was more a matter of making sure James couldn't misunderstand. They hadn't gotten on back in the first couple years of school, so maybe James still thought that was lingering? It was the best guess Sirius had, and with Regulus's advice, he was sure that this would take care of it.
The plan had been to find James and ask him on a date, no build up just 'you, me, date, maybe kissing'. Unfortunately, Snape-- the absolute tosser-- thought that now was a great time to bother him with stupid insults and inane, rhetorical questions. Pro tip: answering "Yes" when someone asks "Do I look that stupid to you?" was likely going to end in a fight. Sirius didn't get hurt (obviously) but he did get detention.
They were in Transfiguration when Sirius decided he had the perfect opportunity. He didn't have the perfect date idea, but if he waited for both, he wouldn't be able to ask for a date until after they graduated. Professor McGonagall let them loose to practice their spells, and lots of people were moving to sit next to their friends so they could tease each other and talk while they half-heartedly did the assignment. "Are you busy right now?"
"Yes," James said, but it was clearly a lie since all he was doing was doodling a snitch on his parchment.
"Excellent," Sirius said, turning around to face him fully. "D'you want to go on a date with me?"
James's hand jerked, ruining the picture.
Sirius blinked. "Erm."
"Taking the piss in front of my mate's is one thing, but why are you doing this? I thought we got on alright until the other day when you started babbling about Honeyduke's."
"I wasn't babbling," Sirius said defensively. "I was perfectly reasonable until you tried to foist me off on Remus, you arse."
"Language, Mister Black!"
"Sorry Professor."
Professor McGonagall shook her head, fully aware of the futility of making him watch what he said.
Sirius waited until she had moved on to continue talking. "I've been trying to get you on a date all bloody year, and you keep pretending not to notice. Or actually not notice, I'm not too clear on what's happening there."
"You do not want to date me. Have you seen you? You're buggering gorgeous-"
"Language, Mister Potter."
"Sorry Professor. You're gorgeous, and you could do so much better."
"Better?" Sirius repeated, disbelieving. "I'm sorry, who exactly am I supposed to be shagging that's better than you?"
James started to blush, eyes darting around to see if anyone was eavesdropping. "I didn't say anything about shagging," he hissed.
Was James a virgin? That was rather unbelievable, but anything was possible. "Fine, dating, whatever you want to call it. Sure I'm the best looking bastard around, but you're- I mean, bloody incredible, for one. If anyone can do better, it's you."
"Me? Are you daft?"
"Not generally."
They stopped talking and glared at each other for a minute.
"Are we really arguing over who's too good for the other?" James asked.
"That's what it sounded like."
They kept staring at each other.
"So?" Sirius said.
"What?"
"Are you going to admit you were wrong?"
"Never."
"Berk."
"Fucker."
"Language, Mister Potter."
"Sorry Professor."
"Heh, you got in trouble."
"You got in trouble for the same thing twenty seconds ago!"
Sirius stuck out his tongue. "Are we going on a date or what? C'mon James, I've been trying this for months, you gotta give me something."
"You already know the answer's yes."
"Not until you just said it. Any idea for what we should do?"
James reached a hand up and mussed his hair. "I dunno. Picnic? Sneak out to Hogsmeade?"
"Hogsmeade," Sirius decided. "I really do want to try those new truffles."
"Hullo Regulus, are you busy?"
See, normally when someone said those words in that tone, it was Sirius, about to bother him. Except that wasn't Sirius's voice, it was James bloody Potter, the bane of his existence. The two of them dating hadn't made Sirius talk about him less. Somehow, he was talking about him more. Instead of hearing about how cute he was, Regulus had to hear about his buggering hands and the calluses on them in very specific detail and wasn't he so great at Quidditch? It was enough to drive a bloke completely mad.
James and Sirius were sodding made for each other, because when Regulus just stared at him, brow creased and mouth ajar, he said, "Great," and sat down. "So I was wanting to do a nice surprise for Sirius, do you know what sort of things he likes?"
Regulus continued to stare. Was this really his life? Was this actually happening right now? Was he hallucinating? He almost hoped he was hallucinating because the other option was that he really did play relationship adviser for his brother and that brother's boyfriend.
"Y'know, like flowers or favourite food?"
"Ask him, you weirdo," Regulus blurted.
James wasn't offended unfortunately. He rolled his eyes, looking eerily like Sirius in that moment. "Tell me what I want to know and I'll leave you alone?"
Oh great, Sirius had given him advice on how to deal with Regulus. Why couldn't they ask for Regulus's advice on how to talk to him? It would be so simple. Step one: walk up to him. Step two: walk away without saying a word. See? Easy!
"The sooner you tell me, the sooner I go. You'll have peace and quiet and all that social distance you're dreaming about."
Regulus shot a v at him. "He likes burgers. He pretends he doesn't, but he does. And flowers are fine, but he'd prefer a necklace, depending on how fancy it is. Something red or silver, never blue, and he's not particularly fond of gold either. If you want to bring flowers though, red is definitely the color, he doesn't care about type." He paused, then added, "But roses are probably a safe bet, he's a bleeding romantic, that one. Anything else?"
"Does he like muggle music?"
"Didn't he tell you?"
"He's being pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing, it's pretty weird."
"It's called punk or... rock... or summat. There's a lot of guitar, I dunno. He's got a leather jacket that he says looks the way the music sounds, if that makes any sense to you. Can I do my homework now?"
James waved him off, thinking over the information he now had. "Yeah. Thanks mate."
"I'm not your mate," Regulus muttered, but he knew it was hopeless.
"Whatever you say, mate."