Work Text:
I will guard you
With my bright wings
Stay till your heart
Learns to see
All love can be
-All Love Can Be, Charlotte Church
It was such a little thing, just a turn of the head and a blink that lasted half a beat too long, but seeing Martin mentally push something back in that way he did was what finally made everything click in Otto's head.
"I've figured it out!" he cried.
Martin looked at him quizzically. "Figured what out?"
Otto smiled at him, the knowledge that he'd found a way to lighten some of the many burdens Martin perpetually carried filling his chest like helium. "Come on." He took Martin's hand and Martin followed, bemused but smiling faintly.
Hardly anyone else was awake. There'd been an emergency surgery that had finally ended an hour ago, so Martin had ended up staying well past the end of his shift and it was now the dead of night. All the other staff currently at the hospital were on the patient floors; none of them would bother with this part of the hospital, all the rooms down this hallway empty and the rooms at the end nothing but storage. It was, Otto thought, probably the first time there'd been an empty but usable room since the war started. Certainly it was the first time since the war had ended.
Martin followed him into one of the storage rooms without hesitation - goodness only knows they'd been in here often enough before. It was big enough to not be too cramped, but small enough that there weren't any windows, and full enough of boxes and bedding and odds and ends to muffle noise.
As soon as he was through the door Otto turned, and as Martin closed and locked the door Otto threw his arms around him, jubilant.
Martin laughed quietly and wrapped his arms around Otto in return. "Otto? What did you figure out?"
"You," Otto said, standing up straight so they could see each other but leaving his hands on Martin's shoulders, and staying in the circle of Martin's arms. "You're upset about something - something other than usual, I mean. Something very specific, and you're upset in a very specific way. It wasn't till just now that I finally got it."
"What do you mean?" Martin asked, looking confused.
The thing was. Martin didn't always - emote the way other people did. Sometimes his expressions seemed stiff or insincere because he was trying to convey what he was genuinely feeling in the way other people would, so though the emotion was real the expression wasn't. And sometimes the way he automatically, naturally reacted to things looked put-on. It was a strange contradiction that made him just a little bit harder to get to know than people expected at first, and Otto has been delighted to get closer to him and learn these things about him. Which was why Otto flattered himself he was experienced enough in the nuances of Martin's expressions to know that though the confusion looked too straightforward to be sincere, it was genuine.
Otto said, "You feel guilty about me getting shot. Why?"
There was no real shift in his expression, but the fact remained that now the confusion was fake. "I do not."
"You do too. But why? Martin -"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You saved my life."
"Sauerbruch saved your life."
"Sauerbruch wouldn't have had the chance if it wasn't for you. Wait, is that it? I said I only deserted because I couldn't abandon you, so you think it was your fault that I was here in the first place -"
"Otto -"
"- but that's insane! I deserted and I lived and I want to go on living; if I'd gone to the front I'd almost certainly be dead!"
"Please don't say that."
"Sorry. But still! Even if I'd lived through it I wouldn't have been able to live with myself, not knowing what happened to you, always wondering - God, what if I'd never even found out -"
"Stop. Please," Martin said, quiet and pained.
Otto looked closely at him, surprised to see how his expression had fallen in just a few moments. "What? Oh, Martin, no -" Tried to cup his face and kiss him, but Martin had bowed his head and wouldn't let Otto lift him. It seemed like Martin wanted to slip away entirely but Otto wasn't having it; they ended up with Otto's hands on Martin's neck, Martin's forehead pressed to Otto's shoulder.
Martin wouldn't look at him, or even raise his arms to hold him, but Otto felt it when Martin clenched the waist of his sweater so hard he was afraid he'd hurt himself. So Otto wrapped one arm around him to hold him and gently cupped the back of his head with his other hand, sucking in a breath and pressing closer. He leaned against Martin for a moment, trying to find the words for what he needed to say, knowing this was too important to leave in silence.
With a sigh he said, "Martin, you have a leg and a half. You never complain, but I know that wooden leg I love so much hurts you, especially if you have to stand on it for too long or press on it too hard. I was shot in the attic. You think I didn't notice you can barely lift the prosthetic over the dividers? You think I don't know that there was no one else to come help? You think I didn't see how much blood was on your clothes and skin and hair and know some of it was mine? You think I don't know that there was not a single clear step between the attic and the bunker - not through the half-collapsed building or in the courtyards covered in rubble and dead bodies - You think I had no idea even before I was hit how many people were out there indiscriminately shooting, and how dangerous it was? You think I remember nothing?"
Turning towards him and pressing his closed eyes to his hair Otto whispered fiercely: "Martin Schelling. Through terrible pain and at the risk of your own life, you picked me up and carried me. You are a hero. You are the bravest, strongest man I have ever known, and I am thankful every day for the honor of loving you."
Otto stopped, pressing his lips to Martin's neck in something more than a breath and less than a kiss, terribly pleased with himself. That was a good speech. He'd said exactly what he meant and said it well; surely Martin wouldn't be able to feel sad or guilty anymore after being reminded of how heroically he saved Otto's very life. And what could be more romantic than that? What could -
Martin jerked and made a harsh noise - not just a noise; a sob. Otto had never seen Martin cry. But it was late, and a heavy subject, and Martin had been working far longer than normal and must have been drained. For one moment he thought he'd moved Martin to tears; that Martin would raise his head and kiss him, and Otto would hold him gently and softly kiss his tears away, and they would stay here for as long as they could, whispering sweetly of how much they loved each other - but Martin didn't raise his head. If anything he bowed lower, as though he was trying to slide off Otto entirely and curl up on the floor. His whole body was stiff, shaking, and finally Otto realized that this was not the good kind of crying.
Martin sobbed again, and the sound was a knife to the heart. "Martin, Martin no," Otto said, startled and holding on to Martin tight as he could, and Martin just curled yet lower. He sobbed twice more, Otto becoming more frightened with each agonized sound.
"There is, is no honor," Martin choked between harsh breaths, "in loving me. You, you shouldn't love me -"
"I do love you and always will -"
"You wouldn't if you knew." Martin had a hand over his face and said the words with a noise that was either a sarcastic laugh or another sob; Otto couldn't even tell which.
"If I knew what?" Otto gave up on holding Martin upright and switched to trying to see him - and this time he succeeded in getting his hands around Martin's face and tipping it up to his own.
Martin's eyes were screwed shut. His cheeks were fever-splotchy and the rest of his skin was pale. There was sweat on his forehead, and his cheeks were wet with tears. He moved his hands to Otto's elbows, though he didn't use his grip to push him away or pull him closer; simply held on to Otto hard enough to bruise. He must've been silently crying the entire time Otto was speaking. He was furious with himself for making Martin cry, but what on earth did he say?
Martin didn't answer, though, so Otto kissed him - and then again, desperately, scared, and Martin gritted against his lips, "Georg."
"What?" Someone else's name was not what Otto was expecting. Who was this Georg?
"He was -" Martin shook his head, then stilled and opened his eyes. He looked right at Otto and said, "I gave him up. I told you, that very first night, that he was sent to a death camp. He was sent because of me, Otto. I turned on him."
"I know," Otto started to soothe.
"You don't know," Martin said, backing up and away the same way he had that same first night, only this time Otto kept his hands on him and Martin didn't go far enough to break his hold. "I gave him up - I wanted to keep you, I'd never been so happy, but I don't deserve it - deserve you - I'd already sacrificed him so fate decided to take you from me -"
"That is insane."
Martin wasn't looking at him anymore. He was no longer crumpling to the floor, but he kept his back straight and eyes down. "I know it's not scientific, but Otto, you have no idea what I did to him."
"Yes I do, and if fate decided to take me from you to, what, to punish you somehow, then why didn't I die?"
"I don't know."
"You may not be sure but you have a theory, I know you."
"Karin needs you, and Anni too -"
"So that - What, what is this, you think that you got rid of one lover, so fate decided you were never allowed to have another one? And since fate couldn't kill me when I was hurt I'd just stop loving you and leave you once I was healed? Martin, how could I leave you instead of just loving you more?"
"Are you listening to me?" Well, at least now Martin was looking at him again. "I said I turned him in."
"Did you go find a police officer and rat him out on purpose?"
"Wha - No, of course not!"
"Then you didn't turn him in."
"I did, though, I chose him -"
"I was arrested too, remember?" Otto said, and Martin stopped. "And you're right, you did tell me that very first night. I said I'd fallen in love with you, and you said that you were convicted paragraph 175, and that you went to the front and the other man - this Georg - was sent to a camp. That was what they said to me when I was arrested, too. If I said you'd seduced me then I'd be sent to the front on probation. He never said what would happen if I didn't, but it was pretty clear I'd be sent to a camp."
"And you came back for me," Martin whispered, face so sad, barely touching Otto's cheek with just the very tips of his fingers.
"And I told them Nurse Christel was trying to kill me," Otto corrected.
Martin blinked. "What?"
Otto shrugged. "He gave me that ultimatum, and I told him that I knew who had reported us, that I knew it had to be Nurse Christel, and that she did it because she publicly tried to get me to propose to her so she could have a widow's pension and I publicly refused her. I said she turned us in for revenge. Maybe I didn't say it quite so bluntly, but he knew what I was implying. So he called Margot, she verified that Nurse Christel tried to get engaged to me in front of witnesses, so he let me go. Then I deserted and came back to get Anni to get you out."
Martin shook his head. "You still came back for me. Even knowing what I did, you still came back."
"I will always come back for you," Otto replied, "just as you will for me."
"How can you be so sure? Look at my track record."
"I just pointed out at great length how you came back for me and saved my life."
Martin almost laughed, but it was watery and sad. "I sacrificed Georg, though. Turned him in to save myself."
Otto rolled his eyes. He didn't mean to be dismissive of something that was clearly so important to Martin, but this was getting ridiculous. "Going to the front may have been better than a camp, but it still wasn't a good thing. But you also said you never found out what happened to him, right?"
Martin sighed. "No. I never did." Otto suddenly felt worse than before, remembering not half an hour ago when he'd talked about how terrible it would have been to go to the front and never find out what happened to Martin.
"We could try to find out, now that everything's over, if it will make you feel better. If he lived he'll still be in a camp, but now at least we should be able to find some record of him. But in any case, all you know is what they told you. Did it never occur to you that they could have been lying?"
For a moment Martin paused. "What?"
"They could have been lying. They probably were lying about something, just out of habit. He might've been sent to the front, too. He might've been killed before you were even interrogated. He might've said you seduced him. He might've already been convicted of paragraph 175, so he would have gone to a camp no matter what you said. He might've been a police plant! There's no way to be sure."
Martin appeared to think about this, then closed his eyes and shook his head again. "No matter what the truth was, what's important is that I was given the choice to betray someone I thought I loved to save myself, and I chose to betray him."
"You didn't chose to betray me when you were in exactly the same situation again, though."
"I wasn't ever in the same situation."
"Yes you were. When we were arrested. They wouldn't have needed to interrogate me at all, and they certainly wouldn't have let me go, if you'd ratted me out."
It looked like Martin almost laughed. "They didn't offer me that option."
"You're smart, Martin, even if they hadn't offered that option you could've found a way to get out of it on your own. You still could've tried to defend yourself. Said I found out about your conviction and blackmailed you or something," Otto points out. "Wait, then what did they threaten you with? It had to be something."
This time Martin did laugh, and it did not sound happy. "Nothing about you. My choice was between a death camp and being locked up for treatment and castrated."
Otto felt sick. Otto was going to be sick. He hauled Martin in and held on tight as he could, pressing his face to Martin's neck and trying to focus on the fact that he was here, and thankfully this time Martin did the same.
"It wasn't the same though," Martin argued, voice muffled and breath and lips warm against Otto's skin. But God, how he loved this man. "You see? It wasn't the same choice. Who knows what I might've done if it was."
Otto sighed, and pulled back just far enough for them to see each other. "All right. First of all. You were twenty. They wanted you to say he seduced you. They would've pressured you, same as they pressured me, except you weren't a doctor or a soldier so it would've been worse. You were young, inexperienced, and alone. They manipulated you. It wasn't a real choice; they probably could have gotten you to agree to whatever they wanted. But," he continued before Martin could speak, "even if, even if it were a fair choice, then it was a mistake, we're going to try to find him and help him however we can, and though it's not for me to forgive I do not now and never will hold it against you. It has never even occurred to me to worry that you might hurt me. Even when we were arrested, do you know what I was frightened of? They told me you would be sent to a camp no matter what, and I was terrified because you weren't going to blame me to save yourself, so if I couldn't convince them Nurse Christel was lying there would be no way to save you. All clear?"
Martin stilled, just looking at him. After a minute his eyes filled, and when Otto drew breath to say he knew not what, Martin cupped his face and said, "The greatest honor I have ever received in all my life is the gift of loving and being loved by you."
So relieved his knees went weak Otto laughed, and then their hands were in each other's hair and the press of lips and glide of breath was as needy and sweet as if it were the first time.
Eventually they were simply standing wound around each other, caressing each other's hair and skin and hands, whispering softly between kisses that were softer still.
"Also," Otto said, "I happen to like your dick where it is. I'm very attached to it," and his chest could have burst for joy when he felt Martin laughing against him, quiet but genuine.
"I'm attached to it."
"Which is a huge part of why I like it so much, yes."
"I love you. With my whole heart," Martin said, fierce, desperate, as though he'd never said it before.
"And I you," Otto replied against his lips. He couldn't stop smiling, overjoyed that their lives were going to go on together, but without the strange guilt Martin had been carrying (apparently for even longer than Otto had realized).
The night faded around them as they stayed huddled in the storage closet, closer now than they had been before.