Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I can't do this.

I messed up.

So badly.

They don't need me.

I'm horrible.

I'm a monster.

Steven sat up straight in bed. He reflected back on what happened within the past week.

Connie.

Dr. Maheswaran.

Dad.

Jasper.

He clutched his stomach and keeled over. He was glowing. And growing. Again. Not again.

"Steven?" Pearl called from downstairs. "Are you awake?"

He sighed. He wanted to go back to sleep. Forever. He didn't want to wake up.

But, alas, it was nearly 12 o'clock. He wasn't one to wake up late, but ever since the fiasco with Connie, he couldn't help himself. He didn't want to face the world. He didn't want to face his problems. He had a lot of problems. There was something wrong with him.

"Um, yeah," he finally responded after getting himself under control.

"Can we talk to you?"

They're going to ask me what happened. Why I crashed the van, why I ran away, why I shattered Jasper.

"Okay," he said.

Steven dragged himself out of bed. He felt so heavy. He looked into the mirror.

Ugly.

Steven wasn't one to hate his looks. He thought they didn't matter. Sure he wasn't extremely attractive, but he never thought of himself as ugly. So why does he feel so...horrible?

He was glowing again. Because of course he was. Just a normal day in the Universe household.

"Steven? Are you okay up there?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine, Pearl. Just a minute." His voice was shaky. His thoughts were swirling. Calm down.

He decided to just go downstairs. It didn't matter if he was pink. That was normal by now.

Pearl looked up from her seat on the couch. "Oh, there you are. We...want to speak to you," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. Garnet and Amethyst were there, too.

He didn't say anything. He just stood there, waiting for them to start talking. He felt numb. Was this normal? It was weird.

"Steven, we understand that you've been through a lot, and you may not want to talk to us," Garnet started. "But we're worried about you. Jasper told us what happened."

"I didn't mean to...to..." He couldn't get the words out.

"We know."

"But I-"

"C'mon, dude, you only poofed her! It isn't all that bad," Amethyst butted in.

Poofed her? Did Jasper...did Jasper lie to them?

Pearl nodded. "Steven, I-"

"I need to go." Steven interrupted.

She shot up. "What? Steven, please-"

"He needs space, Pearl. We can't keep pushing him to talk. He needs time," Garnet looked at the skinny white Gem. "Just a little time, Pearl. I promise."

She sighed and sat back down. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Steven headed back upstairs to his room. He shut the door and locked it. After the Cactus Steven drama, they finally got a door for him. 'He needs his privacy,' Garnet had said. He's glad they put it up. Now they can't see his-

His hand.

What.

Was happening.

To his hand?

Scales growing on hand

Hand turning purple

Gem scales

Gem species scales

Cortisol in gems

Of course there wasn't anything about it on the Internet. Gems were mostly just in Beach City, at most, Ocean Town. There wasn't anything about gem history, the Diamonds, the Crystal Gems, corruption, th-

Corruption.

Was that it?

No. No, no, no, no. That can't be it. He's human.

Kind of.

He'd never be fully human.

Being human would be way better than this.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't take this. He could live like this.

He clawed at the purple scales that were slowly growing on his right hand.

One popped off.

Along with it, blood.

He kept repeating the action.

Pop off scale.

Bleed.

Pop off scale.

Bleed.

It was strange. The blood...the feeling of it running down his arm...

The scales kept growing back.

He kept picking at them. He didn't even bother licking the wounds. It felt good. When Jasper was attacking him, it hurt, but this...

This was great.

Chapter Text

The gems could have found him on the floor of his bedroom.

They could have found him covered in his own blood.

They could have found him crying so hard that he felt like he was going to pass out.

Could have.

But they didn't.

Because he 'needed space.'

Steven stood up. He needed to clean this up, fast. And what to do about his now-scaled arm...

———

Nearly an hour later, and it's (mostly) clean. Now, to finish off the job. He looked at his arm. The wounds were almost entirely covered with even more scales. He found them fascinating. Cool, even.

He licked the wounds, but all he got was the metallic taste of his red blood. No sparkles. No healing. Nothing. Maybe...a kiss?

Still nothing.

Shit.

Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck.

Why is he freaking out so much over this? He just needed to think. Okay. Maybe he could use the Diamonds' extractions. Yeah. Just gotta get downstairs.

He put his jacket on, covering his arm entirely. He stuffed his hand in his pocket. Okay. Downstairs.

He opened his door. His eyes looked empty, but really, really scared.

The Gems weren't there. Good. He sprinted into the bathroom and locked himself inside.

He got the bottles from the cupboard, ran the bathtub, and poured them into the water.

Nothing.

There was nothing in the bottles.

He used it all on Jasper.

Nonononoshitshitshit.

Okay. Maybe he can get rid of this another way.

He kept thinking.

And thinking.

And thinking.

His vision was blurring.

There was a knock on the door.

How long has he been on the ground?

Why did he have a tail?

What if he just waited it out? It could probably resolve on its own, right?

"Yo, uh, why's the bathroom locked? Is Steven in there?"

"Probably. Steven, are you okay in there?"

"He won't say anything."

"Hm."

"At least he came out of his room."

"There's something wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I..."

His eyes snapped open. He was on the floor again . Glowing pink. A lot more scales. He was in the bathtub, nearly overflowing with water. He stood up. His balance was a little off, but other than that, he was fine. Probably.

He was okay. He was fine. He was good. He just needed to get to Homeworld. The Diamonds could fix this.

Chapter Text

He couldn't warp.

He was standing on the galaxy warp in the greenhouse.

And he was trying his best.

But he couldn't warp.

how to warp

Nothing. Okay. Think about it, Steven. How do you get the Diamonds?

If he couldn't go to the Diamonds, then...he needed the Diamonds to come to him. Duh.

He ran to the Diamond communicator. He stuck his non-scaled hand on it. 

Waiting...

Waiting...

"Heya, Steven!" Spinel said on the other line, happy as usual.

"Spinel! Can you get the Diamonds for me?"

"Are you okay? You don't look ya-self today."

"I just need the Diamonds. Please?"

"If ya say so. Yellow! Blue!" She jumped off the screen, and bounced back with the two gems following her. "They're here~!"

"Guys! I need to get to-" He was cut off by his face growing in a large size, but it went back to normal in no time. "To Mom's-" more growing, this time in his foot. "Mom's fountain."

"Oh, my, Steven. Are you okay? You look awful," Blue said in empathy.

"Yeah, I just..I need to get to Mom's fountain, but I don't know how."

Yellow moved into the frame. "Couldn't you just warp there?"

"I can't. I don't know why...I just can't. Can you guys, uh, come here? I think I may need your help."

"Of course, Steven," Blue said.

"White's off on another planet at the moment, but we could come help you," Yellow offered.

"Yeah! Count on us!" Spinel said giddily.

"Thanks.."

Connie sat on the seating under her loft bed. She couldn't focus on studying. Her mind was on Steven, as always. More specifically, how he hasn't talked to her in days. She understood why, but...it just made her feel horrible. She felt as if she had messed up. She did mess up. She hurt him.

A knock on her door.

"Come in," Connie said.

Her mother walked in. "Connie, I want to speak with you."

"What about?"

The woman sat next to her. "I just want to know how you feel. I can tell you're not your normal self."

"I...I guess there's something wrong."

Priyanka waited for her to continue.

"I just..." She took a deep breath. "I kind of messed up, and now Steven won't talk to me, but I don't blame him for it, but it still makes me feel bad," She rambled.

"Is this about what happened at the hospital?"

She nodded.

"Connie, I'm sure it isn't your fault. He's been through a lot, hasn't he?"

She nodded again. "I feel bad for him, but it also feels like I can't talk to him," she looked at her feet.

"He needs some time. He isn't in a good headspace."

"Yeah."

Suddenly, her phone rang. She walked over to her desk and picked it up as Priyanka left the room.

"Hello?"

"Connie! Steven's not doing well, we don't know what to do! He's having a panic attack in the greenhouse. He won't let us near him," Pearl's frantic, fast voice burst from the phone.

"What? Is he okay?"

"We don't know! He called the Diamonds. There's something wrong!"

"Okay, calm down, I'm coming."

She ran out of her room, picking up her sword from a shelf.

Her mother was at the door, keys in hand. "Come on, I'll drive you."

Connie smiled a bit. "Thanks."