Work Text:
The Real Ring-bearer
[Gandalf]
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real ring-bearer please stand up?
I repeat, will the real ring-bearer please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here.
Y'all act like you never seen a wizard before
Jaws all on the floor like Sauron and Isildur just burst in the door
And started crossing their swords worse than before
They first were killed, throwing their bling far away (Ah!)
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Elessar said... nothing, you idiots!
Elessar's gone, he's hiding in the bushes! (Ha-ha!)
Hot elf chicks love Gandalf
[*vocal turntable*]
"Ring-bearer, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walking around grabbing his you-know-what
Flipping the you-know-who." "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse, than what's going on in Elrond's bedrooms
Sometimes, I wanna get on the horse and just let loose, but can't
But it's cool for Lúthien to hump a mortal dude
"My ring is on your lips, my ring is on your lips"
And if I'm lucky, you might just give me a little hiss
And that's the message that we deliver to little hobbits
And expect them not to know what the elevenses are
Of course they gonna know what the dinner time is
By the time they hit fourth decade
They got the fucking palantíri, don't they?
"We ain't nothing but hobbits..." Well, some of us wizards
Who cut other people open like cantaloupes
But if we can hump hobbits and mortal dudes
Then there's no reason that an elf and a dwarf can't elope
But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Arwen wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes
[Chorus – Gandalf (repeat 2x):]
'Cause I'm ring-bearer, yes I'm the real ring-bearer
All you other ring-bearers are just imitating
So won't the real ring-bearer please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
[Gandalf]
Radagast don't gotta haul you lot around to save the world;
Well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too!
You think I give a damn about Rohan?
Half of those morons can't even stomach me, let alone stand me
"But ring-bearer, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you can, sit me here next to Saruman the White?
Yo shit, Gríma Wormtongue better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to the shieldmaiden and her bro
And hear 'em argue over who the king hates more
Little hobbit, put himself on blast on palantír
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's burned the Tree, hee-hee!"
I should never fucking sleep
I'll show the whole world how you gave Gandalf migraine
I'm sick of you little hobbit and human groups, all you do is annoy me
So I have been sent here to destroy save you
And there's other two of us just like me
Who do magic like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
Radagast just might be the next best thing but not quite sane!
[Chorus]
[Gandalf]
I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only giving you
Things you joke about with your friends inside your hobbit-hole
The only difference is I got the balls to say it
In front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
I'll just get on the boat and leave you lot
And whether you like to admit it I just lost it
Did better against it than those dwarves could
Then you wonder how can you get up from the damn ground
It's funny; 'cause at the rate it's growing when I'm gone
I'll be the only person in Valinor with a beard
Filching Galadriel's hair when I'm chasing those damn hobbits
And I'm frothing but this whole bag of Old Toby isn't working
And every single person is a ring-bearer lurking
He could be working at the Prancing Pony, spitting in your tankard
Or in the Mordor's sky, circling
Screaming "I don't give a fuck!"
With his hood down and his fell beast up
So, will the real ring-bearer please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and in the Mount Doom
And one more time, as sane as you can, where does it go?
[Chorus 4X]
[Gandalf]
Ha ha
Guess there's a ring-bearer in all of us
Fuck it, let's all stand up