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Ian’s consciousness grew more frustrated the more he tussled in the dark. He had been staring at the backs of his eyelids for far too long at this point; anytime he opened them again only a few minutes had passed. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything: how magic suddenly was much more popular because of what him and his brother Barley achieved.
Anytime he closed his eyes, he remembers seeing his brother and his father hug on top of that hill. It was so beautiful, he was so happy Barley got a chance to say goodbye. Sure, he didn’t have a father, but Barley was sure hell of a great figure to look up to.
Ian looked over at his nightstand to see that it was 11pm. This night couldn’t move any slower than it was. He sat up, sighing into his hands before looking up through his open window to let the nice spring breeze in. He saw the two moons, along with some sparks of light from nearby neighbors practicing spells. He smiled to himself, taking in a breath. The air was slightly damp from the rainstorm that had just passed, he could breathe in the scent all day. But he desperately wanted to sleep, so he flopped back onto his bed and forced himself to steel his eyes shut.
———
Palpitations.
Ian woke with a loud gasp, clutching the thing nearest to him which was a stuffed...thing. He really wasn’t sure what the hell it was but Barley won it for him at a fair awhile back.
He held it in his hands. He believed he had named it “Jazzy”; he was never sure why and whenever he asked Barley, all he would do is laugh and shake his head.
That’s for me to remember and to use as possible blackmail one day, young Lightfoot.
It was the ugliest thing he owned, but growing up he had an unhealthy attachment to it. Anytime it wasn’t in his arms, he would have a complete breakdown. Once he lost it and Barley nearly flipped the whole house over to find it. Luckily he did, and he was never sure where it ended up being, but afterwards the two brothers hugged for like a solid half hour.
Ian always had Barley hug it before he went anywhere without him, such as school. Barley would walk Ian to his class, and Ian would demand that he hugged it, or else he didn’t feel safe. Jazzy was the closest thing he had to his brother when he wasn’t around, and Barley of course never said no to a quick hug to the weird doll. It was nearly the size of Ian at the time and seeing him carry it around was adorable yet concerning, fearing it would come alive and sit on him or something. Yes, Barley thought about these things.
So he stared it down in the dim moonlight, trying to calm his heart. He could feel the bags under his eyes from not getting nearly as much sleep as he should, and he blinked the tears brimming at his eyes away. He rubbed Jazzy’s “face”, feeling the fibers of the wool it was made with. It wasn’t so big to him now, but it was the perfect hug buddy. He would never admit that, though. He wasn’t even sure if Barley knew he still kept it with him on his bed. Staring at this thing somehow calmed him almost completely, but soon enough the horrid shadows of the darkness were pounding in on him.
The nightmare he just had was more than ordinary; he always had ones about losing someone he loved. And it was usually Barley, since the only other two people prominent in his life besides his friends at school were Colt Bronco and his mom. The dreams he had about his dad were always very serene.
Usually with nightmares, Ian always just laid back down after looking at Jazzy and fell asleep with it in his arms. However, when he tried to do just that, he was met with no luck. What a surprise. He couldn’t shake the feeling of Barley being absent in his life. What was he going to do after his gap year, when he went to college? Surely he would find love and go live with his spouse, right? Never come back home? Little brother, what little brother?
What if he didn’t come to Ian’s high school graduation? After all, he was entering Junior year. First two years of University are always super crazy, right? Surely he wouldn’t be able to come back home. He would never see Barley again. He was positive he wouldn’t even want to walk down the isle of his graduation if his brother wasn’t there. What was the point? Who would clap if Barley wasn’t there?
Ian clutched at his heart as he sat up again, breathing heavily. He grabbed Jazzy and squeezed it to his chest, hoping the rough feel of the wool would calm him. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine hugging Barley, being there with him in this dark abyss he called a room. During the day it looked like a lively library, but at night it wasn’t much at all. Obviously he knew Barley was downstairs in his room, but something kept nagging on him to go see if he left or not. Why would he leave? Then again, why wouldn’t he leave? He’s a grown man, he can do whatever he wants. And it was selfish of Ian to want him to stay there.
He just needs him. And he never voiced that much because he himself was growing up, too. Despite not wanting to come to terms with it. Ian’s always so terrified of Barley growing up and moving away, forgetting about him. He’s really Ian’s biggest motivation in life.
Before Ian knew it, his feet were touching the ground. Jazzy was still clutched in his grasp as he shuffled across the hardwood floor, making his way to the door and eventually downstairs. Soon enough he was standing outside Barley’s bedroom door and, without hesitation, he swung it open. His breathing was obnoxiously loud but he just couldn’t sit in a dark room thinking about Barley leaving when he could already be gone.
Ian shuffled to the side of Barley’s messy bed, seeing that there was in fact a sleeping Barley in the sheets. Ian reached out a shaking hand, but before he could place it down he already felt a strong pair of hands grab him by the shoulders. He realized just how long he had been standing next to the bed and how heavily he had been breathing, hence the reason Barley got to him first before he could even say a word.
“Ian? You okay?” Barley asked, seemingly wide awake, as though hearing the younger elf’s hard breathing sent him into a fit as well.
And it usually did. Ian was prone to having attacks like this, whether it’s due to anxiety or stress, and Barley got used to it over the years. He often was able to push Ian through them when they were in a time where it was necessary, but other times Barley would sit with him and calm him down as best as he could. They got worse the older Ian got, and he was sure they would subside once Ian grew more courage, because Barley knew he was capable of anything. He just needed to believe in himself.
“Ian?” He tried again.
Ian looked up at Barley, tears welling in his amber eyes.
“You’re here.”
“Of- of course I’m here, I’m always here.” Barley cracked a smile. “I mean, we live in the same house-“
Ian shook his head, his face scrunching up, tears falling down his cheeks.
“You’re...you’re still here.”
“Well-“ Barley’s eyes were wide. “Do you not want me here? What’s-“
“That’s just the problem...” Ian sobbed. “I...I want you to stay forever.”
“Oh.“ Barley sighed.
“A-And you can’t, because of...of college. You’ll be gone before I even graduate, you could get killed, and then I’d never ever see you again, and then Mom would be really sad, and-and-“ Ian rambled, and this is when Barley noticed the ugly stuffed thing in his arms. The way he held it so tightly to him, how he would probably jump if you tried to take it away from him at that very moment. He didn’t even know Ian still held sentience to that thing.
“Hey, woah woah woah!” Barley shushed lightly. “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Right? And I’ll still be here for you. All the time! Any important event, I’ll be there. Because you’re my little brother. I’ll always be there for you.” Barley held Ian by the shoulders in a man-grip. It usually got Ian to listen to whatever he had to say.
Ian’s eyes glistened in the moonlight and he tried to blink away the tears, but they only fell more. He realized just how silly and childish this was; going to your brother’s room because you had a nightmare.
“You think I’d just leave you behind?” Barley asked.
“Well...” Ian started. “I know how busy people get with college. They run out of time to do other things.”
“I shall always have time for my dear brother.” Barley shook Ian.
Ian smiled, looking down to Jazzy.
“Can you please tell me why I named this thing Jazzy?” He laughed, wiping away his tears as Barley let go of him.
“Nope.” Barley shook his head. “Secret file.”
Ian rolled his eyes.
“It’s nearly 2am, brother. Why don’t you go back to sleep?”
“Actually...” Ian shifted. “Can I just. Stay in here? With you? Please?” Ian sniffled. “I just...I can’t sleep.”
Barley cracked a wide smile. “You mean like a brotherhood sleepover!” He hopped out of his bed. “I’ve got just the equipment!”
Ian’s eyes widened as Barley yanked a sleeping bag from the closet of his room.
“Which blanket shall you acquire? The large fuzzy purple one, or the large quilt?” Barley asked.
“Uh, surprise me?” Ian was too tired to really care.
“Great!” Barley rolled his “r”.
In a flash, the sleeping bag and the bedding were on the floor, spread in a neat little sleeping area next to Barley’s own bed.
“There! I think you’ll find this exquisite!” Barley put his hands on his hips.
“Thanks.” Ian laughed, standing over the pile of bedding. “Uh, thank you. For everything.”
Barley’s eyes were wide.
“Why, of course dear brother! Anything for a trembling soul.”
Ian knew he was trying to lighten the mood, so even despite his stupid warrior talk, Ian dived in for a big hug. Clearly this shocked Barley, as he didn’t react right away. But after a beat or two, Barley was wrapping his arms around the young wizard too.
Ian was able to sleep soundly all through...well, the rest of the night. Knowing his brother would always be there set him at ease for sure, and being there right next to him put him into a state of security.