Work Text:
Donghyuck has failed once again.
He failed to confess his feelings to Mark.
He really tried to confess.
Really.
But no matter how much Donghyuck wants to confess to Mark, he can’t.
He can’t.
Not as he is right now.
Because whenever Donghyuck wants to profess his adoration to his most important person, he turns into a little kitten covered in soft fuzz the color of gold. A little golden kitten that can’t help but to meow in bashfulness— no, he meows in light rose-pink dusted embarrassment that cannot be seen underneath all of the rich honey tinted velvet. He’s grateful that his pathetic form covers how easily flustered he gets.
Ever since he was small, Donghyuck was plagued with the ability to turn into a goldenrod-colored kitten whenever he falls in love.
When he gets his first crush in first grade, Donghyuck returns home a little kitten instead of a boy in his periwinkle blue elementary school uniform and a bright yellow hat that failed to cover his messy copper ringlets that could easily capture sunshine.
Unfortunately, Donghyuck’s shapeshifting ability had skipped a generation, leaving him the only one in his family able to turn into a kitten when they fall in love. The last person in their family who could turn into a kitten was Donghyuck’s grandfather, but he had divorced the former’s grandmother and never looked back.
So there is no one to help Donghyuck alleviate the transformation that inevitably conflated innocent infatuation with an ever-present dark shadow of fear.
But Donghyuck’s family always showered him with hugs and kisses because they loved him.
To them, didn’t matter if he turned into a kitten or not – he was undeniably adorable in both his sunshine kissed forms – because he was Donghyuck.
They loved him because he was Donghyuck and they will always love him because he was Donghyuck.
Jeno – his favorite cousin – had managed to convince Donghyuck that when kittens grow up, they turn into fierce lions, like the ones they see a zoos. The small brown-haired boy believed him because Jeno was a couple months older and because the possibility of becoming a lion was amazing in the eyes of an easily impressionable ten-year old. But Donghyuck had come to the realization that Jeno was trying to cheer him up.
The possibility of him turning into a marvelous and courageous lion was close to zero.
When Donghyuck had his last crush during his first year of high school, they made fun of him for turning into a kitten ten seconds into his confession and tormented him relentlessly for it. Donghyuck cried all day after his rejected confession until Jeno told him that he shouldn’t waste his tears on someone who couldn’t see that someday he would become an amazing lion everyone would worship for his valor.
Isn’t it silly I secretly wish that Jeno’s lies are true? That someday I will become a lion.
He really wants to turn into a lion when he tries to confess to Mark instead of a tiny little kitten because lions are brave. Lions are not afraid of anything.
Kittens, on the other hand, get scared easily – like Donghyuck does – and jump the moment they hear light clear rain hit cracked grey concrete or when someone comes up behind them and scares them by accident. Kittens are weak and are full of fear. Kittens are cowards.
Why can’t I become a lion?
Lions don’t get scared easily. Lions roar in the face of peril.
Lions don’t jump the moment they hear raindrops hit the concrete or when someone comes up behind them. Lions are strong and are full of flaming red-orange courage.
I think of you so much. Yes, I like you. I really like you and there are so many things I would like to tell you. So many things, I don’t know where to begin.
But I don’t think you will ever think of me the way I do.
Because I am not a lion yet.
If I were a lion, I think you might think of me the way I think of you.
Right now, you walk so far ahead of me.
I’ll always be two steps behind.
“Hyuck what’s wrong?” Taeil asks his younger brother — well kitten right now.
Donghyuck is curled up into a little ball of bright yellow cotton near the corner of his bed, covered by various blankets. One of them was a quilted blanket that their grandmother had made Donghyuck when he was born. It was a long blanket composed of tiny cotton squares full of little sun and lion motifs cascading down in various shades of rich blue and dark ochre yellow.
The other blankets were ones Donghyuck had claimed throughout the years from family and friends. One was a soft fuzzy pink comforter he snatched away from Jaemin one winter and there was a forest green blanket he got from Jeno one Christmas all their entire family got together to celebrate the snowy holiday.
In the middle of all the stolen and gifted blankets, is one single hoodie that helps contribute to Donghyuck’s makeshift haven. It’s an old black hoodie with a basketball team name sewed on the front in burnt orange letterman letters.
“Why are you a kitten today?”
Taeil comes closer and sits near the golden-rod coloured kitten, leaning against the unmade bed — but leaves at least a foot of distance between them. Taeil is fully aware he can easily come closer and play with his brother’s hair to provide comfort but decides against it.
It was only when Donghyuck is in his kitten form Taeil truly remembers how small his brother is. And most importantly, how scared Donghyuck feels.
Yes, there are times Donghyuck was loud and liked teasing others – especially Mark – but he possesses a tender heart that is rarely exposed for others to see.
As a kitten, he wasn’t forced to share his fears. He can easily hide in any crevice in his reach because of how small he is.
A soft meow easily circumvents conversations he does not want to have. The transformation is a lovely and fantastical facade that protectes his insecure and trembling heart.
You’re left unable to see his heart, all alone and sick from being alone.
That’s why Taeil waits for Donghyuck to tell him about his day and what’s making it so painful.
If I tell you why I want to become a lion, will you still be on my side?
I don’t want my heart to feel sad anymore.
Donghyuck doesn’t come out of his room for the rest of the week — resulting in a bombardment of phone calls rebuking his truancy instead of asking him how he is. An empty report.
He stays in the same corner Taeil found him in, each day recycling through another pile of blankets and old towels, choosing to keep the old basketball hoodie with orange letters his only constant.
Donghyuck doesn’t meow, his voice almost forgotten in their small home had it not been for their family trips being recorded on VHS.
The only sign that Donghyuck is still in his room is the tiny beam of soft yellow sunlight that permeates through the glass windowpane, hitting the kitten’s golden fur with unrivalled kindness; The sunlight reminds Donghyuck to keep breathing, his stomach moving to the morning radiance’s slow rhythm. But in spite of the sun’s gentle taps each day, the sunflower yellow kitten refuses to open his hazel coloured eyes and elects to stay in a dream induced state.
Taeil is without a doubt worried for his brother, not because Donghyuck had missed school, but because he had not seen his brother eat all this week.
Taeil had come in each morning and evening to leave his brother breakfast and dinner — each plate being Donghyuck’s favourite. However, each morning was met with the reoccurring scene of Taeil replacing the cold meal with a freshly prepared one, the cold plate inevitably being thrown away without having a bite taken out of it.
Taeil comes back into the room, this time seeing a sleeping – and very human – Donghyuck resting against his bed.
The dark mope of copper brown hair on his head is a greasy mess, with sections of it forming into small cat-like ears. He’s still covered in a giant rainbow pile of blankets except for the old basketball hoodie. The old hoodie hangs on Donghyuck’s body so loosely it made the boy look impossibly smaller than he already is. His eyelids are underlined with a grey black and his usually rosy-red cheeks are dull and stained in dried tears.
Donghyuck just looks so tired.
Like he had already given everything he could already give and all the bitterness that bottled up in his small tender heart overflowed and made him forget everything, even the kind melodies that carried notes full of smiles.
His small heart is too tired and overworked to accept a warm hug. It only remembers nostalgia that can never bring happiness back — memories that kept him trapped.
“Donghyuck.” Taeil gently shuts the door behind him, not letting it make a harsh noise that could disorient his younger brother. “We need to talk.”
He continues to keep the same distance he did the other day, waiting for his younger brother to share his story — even if Donghyuck knows no words to describe what made him experience such a painful week.
Perhaps it had been going on longer than Taeil originally thought?
After what seems to be a silent eternity, Donghyuck finally starts. The sunlight was still present, its beams landing perfectly on the crown of the kitten shapeshifter’s head. The warm light fails once again to provide comfort as the boy’s tone comes out the embodiment of blue.
“There’s days I wish I could turn into a lion.”
“Mark is special,” he continues sharing his story, glossy eyes anywhere else. “He’s really special to me and I really don’t want to mess things up because I’m not a magnificent brave lion.”
His hazel eyes are brimmed with warm tears and his face holds a bitter smile.
It’s not that his first love was someone he considered to be irrelevant; what he felt for that person was innocent infatuation that will always remain saccharine-scented memories in his heart. It’s just that what he feels for Mark is truly special.
Mark is someone who makes Donghyuck want to be a better version of himself. Mark is kind and always willing to help others when they needed help — regardless of how cheesy that sounded. Donghyuck swears he saw Mark help Mr. Jung carry the class textbooks without being asked; Mark had offered to help with the brightest smile the kitten-shapeshifter had ever seen, and he couldn’t help but to like like the former romantically.
And Mark is the president of the Environmental Club! And he spends all his late afternoons tending to the school garden, not minding that his hands would become calloused from pulling weeds. Okay, Donghyuck doesn’t like Mark because the latter does all these amazing things without it being asked of him.
No, that isn’t it.
Donghyuck likes Mark because he truly believes and wants to do the amazing things he did. He is a beautiful dreamer. The most beautiful one he’s had the pleasure of becoming a part of his life.
And none of Donghyuck’s dreams are as beautiful as Mark’s nor would they ever come close as being as radiant and as marvellous. Donghyuck’s dreams are sad little grey clouds that will never permit sunshine to grace cold mornings. Instead they summon a murky rain.
Taeil softly gleams. “I know Mark is special and how much he means to you — I see how you shine around him. But I also know how much stress your feelings cause you. You used to be so carefree and you remind everyone of the sun. Especially when you smile.
“When you were born, I was amazed by how much sunlight you brought into our lives; I just had to convince mom and dad to name you Donghyuck after the sun.
“You don’t need to become a lion to find your happiness. You are without a doubt deserving of having all of the happiness in the world. I just wish you could see how amazing you are — like how we see you. You are so special and because you’re you, I love you. And I hope Mark sees that too.”
Donghyuck doesn’t try to confess today either. He can’t muster enough courage to confess today and probably not tomorrow either.
He turns back into a kitten and crawls onto his older brother’s lap, allowing the latter to run his fingers through the gold-yellow fur.
One days like these – and every other day – I’m happy you care about me. Even if I’m not a strong lion.
Even if the memories can’t be less painful today, thank you for being here.
You are a nice thing I do not deserve.
Donghyuck doesn’t come out of his today either, but he eats the warm waffles and drinks the cold glass of milk Taeil had prepared for him with the brightest smile he’s able to muster today.
The seventeen-year old’s bed is no longer messy - the blankets no longer a haven for a scared kitten afraid of the world – and now a cover that will eventually be sloppily slipped off during the night to become a dream’s soft warm shell. There’s a strange comfort knowing that the blankets will continue protecting Donghyuck from the cold sensation his fears elicit in his heart when he will no longer feel the waxy moon’s comfort.
The only thing that remains his constant is the old black basketball hoodie Donghyuck sports.
Donghyuck is unsure whether or not he should continue wearing the faded black - almost brown from all its years of being under the harsh pretty orange-yellow sun - hoodie. There’s a little tear located at the bottom hem of the hoodie that could easily be mended within the span of a couple of minutes, yet Donghyuck decides to leave it alone. The small tear reminds him of a childhood memory that still manages to linger in his glass heart after all these years.
A tiny beam is elicited on his tired face and he feels a little happy. Not enough to fully ease what made his week so painful, but enough to make it a bit more bearable.
He would have continued reminiscing had it not been for the small creak his room’s door elicits.
“Tae-Mark?” Donghyuck almost blurts out.
Almost. His voice is too hoarse from so many days of not being used to be any louder than it currently is. Near the door is Mark hugging a large paper bag.
“Hi.” Mark shyly waves to confirm his presence, his cheeks lightly painted in soft pink.
The older boy stays attached to the door as if it were a boundary that he couldn’t cross yet. Donghyuck quickly returns Mark’s smile – albeit it’s a bit forced and bittersweet - and motions him to come in, sparing the older from feeling awkward.
The two boys end up sitting against the already made bed, allowing the morning light to pour in and illuminate Donghyuck’s room instead of the old white lamp that can easily provide better ambience. Mark tightly holds onto the bag and Donghyuck fiddles with the hem of the old basketball hoodie, both unsure of how to begin.
“How are you?” Mark finally asks, eyes bright and sincere with the smallest tint of a light red hue. “I’m sorry I came by without notice, but I was worried about you. You haven’t been coming to school all this week.”
Unfortunately, Donghyuck doesn’t get to respond — even if the empty words are only:
I’m fine. Thank You.
Donghyuck falls victim to his heart’s bitter ache and turns into a small kitten that reminds you of the colour of summer sunflowers possessed once again. Just like he did the first time he realized he had fallen for his best friend of so many years and just like he did when he tried confessing earlier this week.
He becomes incredibly lost in the old hoodie, so much that his all you can see are his sunflower yellow ears. And there’s an irony to the endearing yet heart-breaking action; Donghyuck continues hiding in the black armour he has no right to be escaping in.
The golden kitten looks up at Mark, who only has the fondest expression etched on his face.
His brown eyes possess no pity or disgust, but rather tender adoration.
Mark reaches for the brown paper bag he had brought, taking out a brand-new black hoodie with large dark blue letters embroidered on the back and sleeves. He then gently picks up the confused golden kitten and envelops him in the new basketball hoodie, allowing the latter to curl up in the sweet scent.
He holds Donghyuck close to his heart and the two stay there in silence until the sun’s soft rays emanate a fuzzy feeling that overtakes them both and they’re lulled into a light slumber.
Taeil opens the door and smiles.
He sees Donghyuck in a brand-new basketball hoodie sleeping on Mark’s shoulder, the latter sleeping with the softest gleam on his face.
Donghyuck also wears a dreamy smile, but this time he doesn’t look as tired as he had the entire past week and perhaps since the moment he started turning into a kitten when he falls in love.
Donghyuck just looks so serene and peaceful.
Almost as if all the things he carries in his heart are being shared with Mark with the simple action of the two having their fingers intertwined.
Taeil gently closes the door – he buffers the door’s creak with his foot - and silently makes his way down the stairs.
Donghyuck doesn’t need to become a lion anymore.
No, he never had the need to become a lion.
Because he is already brave.