Archive of Our Own

stars are nothing compared to you

*

          Khun Aguero Agnis never believed in soulmates.

Ever since he was young, he had seen the marks littering his mother, his sister and even Kiseia. His mother doesn’t have Khun Eduan’s marks yet her marks are beautiful—colored flowers showcasing from her shoulder blades down to her elbow, elegantly etched like a garden of flowers flowing down her arm. There’s a small knife on her wrist, completely different from the graceful flowers on her other arm. He had never seen it but his sister had told him she had laurel marks across her stomach, a crown adorning her small tiny waist.

Yet, he doesn’t believe them—not because they were illogical but because he has never known love. He wonders, not for the first time, if there would be soul marks littering his soulmate’s skin when he literally doesn’t love anything. The Khun Family was a mess—a political mess, every single one of the clans pursuing their selfish desires and agendas—his family, his mother was no exception. Love was a foreign concept, one that he had never felt and one that didn’t ever happen to him.

At ten, he participated in the official fights of the Khun family. It was bloody and inhumane yet he could see under the blood on other people’s arms the marks that littered their skin—things that their soulmate loves. When he’s given the crest, he feels hollow, empty—just like the rest of his body, pale and empty, not a mark of his soulmate anywhere.

When Maria approaches him, it felt surreal. She wasn’t like other Khun’s in the family— she was kind and altruistic and everything he wasn’t. She didn’t give up on befriending him, not even when he pushed her away with his smart mouth and sharper words. When she leaves, Khun feels like a part of him has been ripped away, a part that felt too many emotions for Maria, the part that didn’t want her to leave, that illogical part who voiced what he wanted to tell her for so long.

But he couldn’t, he could never ask her to stay—like a beautiful jewel in a well-kept box, Khun had protected her and for him, it’s enough.

“Aguero, how could you!” Kiseia shouts, angry palpable on her face as she draws a knife. “You betrayed our sister and for what? For a girl who didn’t even say goodbye when she left you?”

He merely stares at her, deadpan. All he feels now is empty, like something was missing inside of him.

“Maybe that’s why you don’t have a single soul mark on you.” She spits out, venom lacing her tone. “You betray everyone, including your own family. What’s stopping you from betraying your soulmate? A fair trade, isn’t it?”

Khun merely sighs.

“I hope you don’t find your soulmate.” She spat. “Or that your soulmate doesn’t love you at all.”

The day he betrays his family, discarding his clan and raiding Khun Eduan’s treasure house to grab things for his journey, he finds a single star on his back. He had almost missed it if not for the fact that it was golden, contrasting his pale skin. It wasn’t like the five-point star that they were taught in school, no instead, it was a funny looking star, with six-points and like it was drawn by a five-year old.

He wants to laugh — of course it chose to show up now.

He ignores it and moves on.

Yet a single part of him—the illogical part that felt too much, the part which Khun has locked up long ago, destroyed by the environment he was born in—wonders if he’d meet his soulmate in this lifetime.

*

Bam was, for the lack of word, interesting.

He was naïve, not knowing how the world works and how people worked. He easily gave his trust, making Khun almost laugh in surprise. In his family, he didn’t trust anyone. He was groomed not to trust anyone, to be suspicious of everyone and their motives because it was always like that, he had always been like that because letting your guard down and trusting someone could mean downfall when you grow up in the Khun family. Yet, there was this boy, so naïve and opposite of him—when Khun was manipulative, dishonest and had trust issues; the boy was like a breath of fresh air; entirely different from everyone he met and Khun—

He finds himself drawn by that light, finds himself gravitating towards Bam—like a moth attracted to the flame, only to get burned.

“I didn’t want to betray her,” Bam suddenly says making Khun look at him. There’s a look of longing on his eyes as he tightens his grip on Black March.  “Since I’ve been taught that if I betray a woman, the world’s ceiling would collapse.”

Khun looks up, a sudden memory flashing right before his eyes. Don’t trust anyone, his mother used to say, whispered in dark nights and days when Khun was still his clan’s puppet. It’s amazing, how naïve and foolish Bam was, how he threw trust like it was the most common thing in the world just to protect the people he cared about.

“You’re amazing,” He says, honest for once. Thousands of lectures from his mother—never trust anyone, you must be more cunning than everyone, everyone will betray you—words that he’s heard all his life seemed to shatter in one look. “I could never do that.”

He’s heard of the things the family says about him, even his own clan. How scary he was, how unpleasant looking into his eyes was because it felt like he could catch their weakness and use it against them, how cunning and manipulative he was—and those things have never bothered him because at the end of the day, he was the one who benefitted from those and he can be as cunning and manipulative as he wants in order to get what he wanted.

“To be honest, I didn’t want to use them during this game. This was a mere bonus game and the chances of winning aren’t that high either but,” He says, the tie on his hair an indication of the alliance he gathered during the first test. It’s the kerchief of the Khun family. Bam’s face flashes on his mind, looking determined yet the longing on his eyes was unmistakable. “Now, I want to win. I want to win and climb up the tower with you.”

Who was it that had such a huge impact on Bam?

Khun finds out, moments later when Bam risks his life to protect a girl to the point of giving everything up.

There was something about Rachel that put Khun on the edge. Normally, he’d have no trouble assessing someone’s personality, he could make them dance to the tune he wanted to but there was something about Rachel, something Khun couldn’t quite read, like she was hiding something enormous.

“Bam was a very lonely kid. He was always alone, in complete isolation. Until he began climbing the tower, the only one ever to befriend him was me.” Rachel looks at Bam, expression unreadable to Khun but there was something off about it. “When he heard that I would climb the tower, he cried and told me not to go. But I went into the tower, leaving Bam behind.”

Khun looks at Bam, lying unconscious with bandages wrapped around his head from protecting Rachel. Rachel, who was probably Bam’s world in the darkness known as loneliness. Rachel, who shone light in Bam’s monotone world.

“If I’m here, Bam won’t be able to climb the tower. Since Bam’s goal is not to climb the tower but to find me. If I am by his side, his reason for climbing the tower would be lost and he would then cling to me and never let go.”

Khun remembers meeting Maria long after the official fights where he won and got the crest of the Khun family, remembers the illogical and irrational part of him wanting to ask Maria to stay—not to leave him behind. Khun remembers wanting someone by his side to fend off the pain and perhaps, Bam was the same. He found the light in his dark world and clung to it with all his life.

“So Mr. Khun, please don’t tell him about me.”

At this, Khun looks at him, surprised. He would’ve thought Rachel would want Bam to know the moment he wakes up. “Do you want me to lie to Bam?”

Rachel doesn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

Why? Why would you lie to a person who was willingly putting his life on the line just to find you again?

“If I may,” Khun asks, staring at Bam. He knows he doesn’t have the right to ask—it’s their story, it’s their history, it’s their shared past but Khun couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. Why Rachel would give up everything, even Bam, for what? For climbing the tower? “Since Bam wants to be by your side so badly, couldn’t you both give up climbing and stay together?”

Rachel smiles at him, kind and gentle but there was something about it that felt off for him. “Have you ever heard of the legend at the top of the tower?”

“The top of the tower,” There’s been many stories about what’s at the top of the tower but Bam has told him once about the skies and the stars and maybe— “Are you talking about the legend where you can see the real stars and the sky?”

“Yes. Ever since I was young, when I heard that story. I have always,” Rachel looks up, longing and Khun wonders if she’s imagining the whole sky. “Dreamt of myself reaching the top and staring into those stars. Whenever I close my eyes, I see a starry sky so vast that I’d grasp for air.”

She was planning to lie to Bam for something like a legend?

“I too want to be with Bam,” She suddenly says, as if reading Khun’s thoughts. “That’s why I gave up on the crown game and chose to stay here but even now, when I close my eyes, I see the stars in an endless sky and because that beauty shines so bright, every night I am unable to sleep.”

Khun stares at her. She couldn’t blame her. Everyone had their own reasons for climbing up the tower. Power, money, pride, revenge—they said you can find everything at the top of the tower and yet, here was Bam who didn’t care about all of those as long as he had Rachel by his side. Bam, who risked his life by coming to the tower, unknowledgeable and weak, just for Rachel. How many people does he know that would willingly go into the tower—who would risk their lives just for one person? Just so they could be together once again?

“Promise me, Mr. Khun.” Rachel says, hands caressing Bam’s forehead. “Promise me you won’t tell him.”

“I won’t.” Khun says, watching Bam’s chest rise and fall. He would save Bam the heartbreak of knowing Rachel still chose the tower instead of him. “I promise.”

Stars. It was all for stars; that garbage of a legend at the top of the tower. Rachel was willing to give up everything just for the stars and Bam was willing to give up everything for Rachel.

He stares at the ground. There’s a pang on his chest, an emotion he couldn’t quite name—something that he thought he’d buried long ago when Maria had left.

Stars. Khun stares at the chair where Rachel sat on, the way she talked about the stars was full of longing and determination and it struck something in him that he thought he’d discarded. His hand unconsciously grips the part where he the place of his soul mark is, just a little below the nape: a singular star.

It couldn’t be her, could it? There was no way he was going to meet his soulmate just like that. There were tons of other people who gave up because they couldn’t find them but would Khun really find his soulmate just like that? Since when has life been easy for him?

Besides, wouldn’t that be extremely difficult? Bam was risking everything for Rachel and if—if Rachel was Khun’s soul mate, wouldn’t that be the same as betraying Bam?

When Bam asks if it’s Rachel, Khun keeps his promise. He couldn’t let Bam know the pain of giving up everything just to be discarded in the end. “It’s not her.”

The lie feels stale on his tongue. It’s not the first time he lied, nor will it be the last time but why—why does it feel so bad?

*

The first time Bam sees his soul mark, it’s a complete accident.

It’s no secret that Bam likes to frequent his room after training or lectures about being a wave controller. He converses with Khun about little things and for some reason, it makes Khun smile and relax, just talking about his day with Bam and it’s been a long time—a long time since he felt this kind of peacefulness.

Khun underestimates how short the lectures for today was and was walking around in his room shirtless. He turns his back to the mirror, tilting his head to take a look at the singular star at his back. It’s been something that he had forgotten, after the series of tests and exhaustion that came with it. He peeked at it earlier and he couldn’t get it out of his mind.

If Rachel really was—

That’s when Bam enters the room with Khun shirtless and looking at his soul mark in the mirror. Some people don’t like to share what’s littered in their bodies and well Khun was one of them.

“Mr. Khun!” Bam smiles, without even batting an eye as he sits down to the chair next to Khun’s bed.

“Hey, Bam.” Khun replies, grabbing the shirt he placed near the bed but before he can put it on, he feels fingers near his back—a light feathery touch he didn’t expect. He jumps back, startled and eyes wide as he looks at Bam.

“Oh sorry, Mr. Khun.” Bam looks apologetic, hand hanging on the air as he gives Khun a hesitant smile. “I was just wondering what that was.”

Khun raises a brow. “You’ve never seen a soul mark before?”

“A soul mark?” Bam blinks at him and from his expression, Khun already knew the answer. “What’s a soul mark?”

“Legend has it that everyone has a soulmate,” Khun replies, putting on his shirt hastily. He sits in front of Bam, placing his hands on his knees. “They say that your soul mate is the other half of your soul. They motivate you, inspire you to be better. A soul mark is a proof of your soulmate, to sum it up. Soul marks get tattooed in your skin, indicating the things your soulmate loves. I believe it’s just another way of interfering with one’s decisions.”

Bam blinks owlishly at him. “Your soulmate loves?”

“Yep,” Khun shrugs, leaning back on his arms. “It can be anything—books, shapes, objects. As long as your soulmate loves them or likes it enough, it gets tattooed in your body. It can range from zero to a hundred. I’ve met a guy who literally had soul marks fill his arms.”

“Oh.” Bam says and Khun’s eye catches when he thumbs the inner part of his arms. Was that where his soul mark was? “And your soul mark is that star?”

Khun tilts his head. “How did you know it was a star?”

“It looked like the star Rachel and I used to draw back in the past.”

At this, Khun freezes. “What?”

“Rachel used to tell me about them.” Bam says, voice low as he looks down on the ground fiddling with his fingers. “The stars and the endless night sky. She used to tell me about how they would shine brightly and she used to draw it on the rocks on the walls.”

“And you’re sure it looked like this?”

Bam nods. “Yeah. I’ve stared at it far too long for me to mistake it with anything else.”

Oh.

As he thought, life had it for him. If what Bam said was right then, his hunches were right and it would break Bam if he knew.

“Do you have one?” Khun asks, feeling his throat go dry. “A soul mark I mean.”

“I don’t know,” Bam says but the uneasiness in his shoulders when he told Khun about Rachel was gone. “Besides if I had a soulmate, it would be Rachel, I think.”

Indeed, there was nothing good that life had given him. They’ve battled far too many times and maybe it had grown frustrated on how Khun seemed to win against it every time. It would explain why he suddenly finds out that his soulmate—alleged soulmate was the very girl his friend was willing to risk everything for.

“Bam,” Khun says. He wonders if it’s something he can tell Bam easily, wonders what Bam’s reaction would be. “What would you—”

Before he can finish anything, there’s three knocks on the door, interrupting their talk. Bam stands up, immediately opening the door to find Shibisu and Hatz on the other side of it.

“Hi Bam!”

“The sweatshirt and the swordsman?” Khun’s brow furrows in confusion. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Sorry for the intrusion but,” Both of them lift up paper. “Do you want to be friends?”

“Eh?” Bam says, surprised.

Khun couldn’t blame him. What the hell were they thinking? And why would they come to Bam and Khun in the first place? Didn’t they know that it was their teammate who wanted Black March so much that she threatened to kill Bam just to have it?

“Gather 10 friends in less than a week? The scout class sure gets weird assignments.”

“So do you want to be friends with us?”

“No.” Khun replies easily, leaning back on the bed.

“Sure, let’s be friends.” Bam says, contradicting Khun’s words. At his reply, Khun raises a brow, sitting straight and looking at Bam directly. There was a smile on Bam’s face yet his eyes were screaming sadness and it makes Khun ache, for some reason. “My name is Twenty-fifth Bam. Just call me Bam for short. Even if you tell me to introduce myself, there’s not much info. I don’t have parents or a home. A single set of dirty clothes is all I have. I always thought I might die alone without anybody. But now, I have friends.”

Oh. So that was why.

Khun wants to shake Rachel and ask, if it’s really worth it, giving up Bam just to see the stars.

*

When Bam asks him to join him to send Rachel to the top of the tower, Khun felt like everything had finally pieced itself together.

He wondered, for almost half his life, if he was ever going to change—if he was always going to be as distrusting as he was brought up to be. If he could meet someone to trust wholeheartedly and not just carry all the burden by himself. He wonders what would’ve happened back then, if he asked Maria not to stay but to take him with her, to be by her side the day she gets seated next to the king. He wonders what would’ve happened if he tried to touch the precious jewel inside his well-kept box and not just store it because he was afraid of tainting it, of scarring it, of destroying it beyond something recognizable.

And looking at Bam—who wouldn’t give up but instead had the determination to send Rachel to the top of the tower, who didn’t want to get left behind; the unnamed feelings he had felt back then slot into place. He wanted to go with her—he didn’t want to get left behind.

“I’ll escort you to the top,” Khun declares, his grin full of mischief. Thank you, he wants to say but he has never been good with words that associate with feelings and emotions so instead, he schemes—like always, hoping that his actions would be enough. “Cheap and dirty.”

And it is. They manage to wring out enough teammates to help them help Rachel past the test. He manages to convince Lero to give Rachel another try. It’s a bit underhanded but Khun Aguero Agnis was raised as a Khun after all. It helps that apparently Rak can read him a little bit and helped with his scheme.

They plan and plan and plan. They needed to be meticulous—he needed to be meticulous. He couldn’t lose Bam, his friend. If Bam’s wish was to take Rachel into the top of the tower, Khun would do everything in his power to make that come true.

He’d been stuck in the limbo for so long, swimming in the darkness and trying to find his way and it’s not like Bam was the light in that pitch black darkness—Khun had found the darkness to be a companion, always there no matter what happens in his life—but Bam makes the darkness more than tolerable, like echoes of laughter and someone accompanying him and showing him the way. He wasn’t so alone anymore.

His plan was supposed to be perfect. It was supposed to be—

He wasn’t supposed to lose him.

When Bam dies, he feels a part of him dying with him.

He feels as if the laughter becomes choked until it disappears and Khun’s stuck back in the limbo and maybe he was wrong about Bam not being the light because when he died, it felt like the spark of light that Khun had left died with him.

Khun wonders if what Bam would say if he saw him now.

Ran had given him one look and told him he had changed. The former was never one for words so they haven’t discussed it since then. The crocodile’s been trying to call him ever since he left but he had never answered one of his calls—it wasn’t like he was trying to avoid Rak but he would rather avoid facing Rak the way he is right now. He’s pretty sure the crocodile would just scold him anyway.

Khun feels like a hollow shell of his former self.

The cunningness was still there. It was hammered down to his very bones. For him, being cunning was as easy as breathing and it felt like second skin—something Khun doesn’t have to think of and instinctively does it. He could still dish out sharp words that even has Endorsi shutting up. He was still playing by his own rules, not by anybody else’s but—

It isn’t the same. The hollow feeling is stuck in his chest, the teachings from his childhood—don’t trust anyone so no one could betray you aguero—which was somewhat extinguished upon meeting Rak and Bam comes rearing back in his head everyday as he watches Rachel.

He doesn’t talk about him. Even after five years, talking about him still feels painful—like someone had ripped off his limb and the part where it used to be still throbs even after years.

It doesn’t help that apparently his alleged soulmate had lied to them about his best friend’s death.

He tries to forget it, tries not to let the thought linger but sometimes, in the darkness of his room especially during the anniversary of Bam’s death, he tries to tamp it down but demons will always be demons and they’ve always kept on whispering to Khun. He’d never thought they’d find something that was heart-wrenching as your plan led to your best friend’s demise, you did this aguero, you killed your best friend.

But time doesn’t wait for no one especially for Khun to tamp down his demons and Khun has promised Bam to help him take Rachel to the top of the tower.

He didn’t expect to meet Bam—that was the last thing he’d expected when he went to capture the devil. He expected a fight, a resistance or a hard-headed idiot that would succumb to Khun in the end.

He didn’t expect Bam.

“Mr. Khun!” And that was him wasn’t it? He’d never forget Bam’s voice, not with the frantic and desperate tone it held; his voice lower but it was still the same. “Run!”

He wasn’t hallucinating, was he?

Bam was really alive.

And fuck, what good would it do now to find out Bam’s alive if he’s teetering on the edge of death?

He wonders what the crocodile would say about this. If he finds out that Bam was alive only to find out that Khun was dead.

*

He wasn’t dead, not yet.

He finds out that everything was a scheme to make Rachel the heroine—to manipulate Bam’s friends into taking her up in the tower.

So yes, he wasn’t dead. He had a score to settle with that lying, manipulative bitch before he can kick the bucket.

Jue Viole Grace. That’s what became of the Twenty-fifth Bam when Rachel pushed him off the bubble on the Floor of Tests. Bam was threatened with the lives of their friends for him to become Jue Viole Grace. He became a slayer because he had no choice.

Khun hated FUG. He hated Rachel and they were both going to pay for doing this to Bam.

It’s not when he hears Bam—the tone on his voice screamed unnegotiable but for Khun, it also screamed lonely. “If it’s just me who collapses and if that makes the others safe, I don’t care.” It makes Khun clench his fists. They were going to pay. “If I can do that I could care less about breaking anytime. I lost my reason to live anyways.”

So it was Rachel, once again. He was going to break his body over and over because of Rachel. He lost his reason to live when—Rachel, the person he trusted the most, the person he would give up everything for—betrayed him. Khun and the others, they couldn’t match up to her. In the end, it was always Rachel.

Walking away, Khun feels his nails digging on his skin but it was incomparable to the pain on his chest.

Of course, that’s when the crocodile manages to corner him. Life was really a bitch to Khun after all. He couldn’t take a damn breather after everything he had found out.

“I was happy.” Rak suddenly says, making Khun look at him. Happy? The last time he saw the crocodile happy was during the Floor of Tests. After Bam died, they had all changed but it weighed on Rak and Khun the most. “When I found out that Black Turtle was alive and when I heard that I can meet you here again.”

Khun remembers the news of his alleged death. The crocodile was probably just feeling lonely after hearing he died after losing Bam.

“I was happy that the three of us can go up the tower together again,” It’s the most vulnerable thing that Khun heard him say. Both of them knew how much they changed after losing Bam but Rak was as prideful as Khun and even though they’ve never acknowledged it, Rak had understood the pain of losing Bam. “But Turtle, you didn’t. You just kept on worrying before being happy.”

What was he supposed to do about that? Khun was raised like that—be twenty steps ahead of everyone—and he wasn’t like them, who didn’t have to worry. If he doesn’t think of what happens after, what would happen to them?

“What a timid, egoistic, fussy, mentally disordered turtle you are.”

Khun rolls his eyes. Really, he expected a scolding because it was Rak but he didn’t expect Rak to bear his heart out. “Are you here to fight?”

“I just want to be happy together.” Rak says, raw and vulnerable and it reminds Khun of the times they sat in silence during the first year of Bam’s death. It was still too early, too raw for them during that time and they could offer nothing but silence. “With you and Black Turtle.”

And in the end, that’s what Khun wanted to, isn’t it? In the end, he just wanted to climb the tower with Bam again. In the end, he just wants to wake up from this nightmare and have Bam back together with him and Rak.

Ah, leave it to the crocodile to slap Khun like this. He could worry about Bam and Rachel some other time. Right now, he needed to get Bam back to their side.

“Don’t be happy yet.” He says, stopping Rak from his tracks. The smirk on his face makes Rak smirk in response, the familiar mischievous smirk that preceded many hard-won battles. “Be happy once I get Bam back and drag FUG on the mud.”

Rak smirks. “Blue Turtle, you’re back to your old self!”

“What are you talking about? I was never hesitating.” Khun says. He wasn’t hesitating and regardless of what he felt with Rachel and Bam’s declaration, he was still going to get Bam back from FUG. “I’ll be more manipulative and cunning than FUG.”

“There’s the Blue Turtle I know.” He grins before his eyes zero in on Khun’s wrist. “Blue Turtle, did you get a tattoo? And why is it blue? Are you really that narcissistic?”

“Tattoo?” Khun tits his head before his eyes drift to his wrist. “And I’m not narcissistic, you crocodile!”

“I’m not a crocodile!” Rak snaps, the familiar banter waves at them. “And please, I’ve seen you take an hour arranging and doing your hair.”

“Shut up.” Khun rolls his eyes. He’s heard Rak complain about him doing his hair before. It was common at this point but Rak had been right. There was another tattoo in Khun’s wrist, near his pulse. It was a blue circular thing, something like— “Earrings?”

“Earrings?”

Khun fiddles with his ear only to remember he’d remove the earrings when he decided he would climb the tower with Bam. The remnants of his attachment to the Khun family in order to get power was still there but his primary reason was for Bam and the earrings were his last remembrance to the Khun family other than his name.

Rachel hated him. There was no way a tattoo of Khun’s earrings would show up in his body.

“Is that a soul mark? You have one?!”

“Hey, what’s with that tone?” Khun complains. He’d have to hide it later since he couldn’t be careless and leave it as it is even when he’s going to wear a suit that hid his wrist.

“I’ve never seen you talk about it. Everyone talks about it, even that Turtle Princess and I’ve never seen any marks on you.”

“Maybe I just like to be private about it.” Khun immediately replies without missing a beat. He steps inside and he can hear Rak’s footsteps following him close behind. “I have another one but I won’t let you see it. Besides, do you even have one?”

“Of course I have! I’m your leader! And hey, what do you mean you won’t let me see it?! I’m your leader!”

“Well, I have no time for them anyway. I’m not sure if I could even meet them.” Khun shrugs. “We need to get Bam back and that’s what matters right now.”

Rak snickers. “Heh. So it’s the Black Turtle over your soulmate, huh?”

Khun stops in his tracks. For so long, he’d never actually thought about his soulmate, not when he first got the mark, not when he first found out who he thought it might be, not even when Khun got another soul mark—he had never thought of his soul mate because being with Bam was enough.

Oh.

This was… dangerous. Khun had never wanted to play with the rules. He created his own. Seeing destiny try to fuck him around with his soul mark would only backfire because Khun was never one to follow the rules.

Of course, Khun wants to laugh, that included picking his own soulmate.

When Bam finally returns to them, it feels as if the storm clouding everything had finally lift up. Khun feels like reality had returned to him, waking him up from a nightmare where Bam was dead and they couldn’t go up the tower with him again.

The other part of him thinks, it’s all a dream and Bam isn’t here with you and honestly, it feels like a dream being reunited like this but Khun looks over at Bam, hugging Rak and smiling happily like he did all those years ago and if this was a dream, he’d rather not wake up.

It speaks volumes on how much they want to ground themselves into this reality that they have an unspoken agreement to sleep in the same room, so close to each other. Khun hasn’t seen Rak this clingy—a part of his body always touching Bam—since the first month Bam died and both of them wanted to ground themselves into that reality and Khun understands because he keeps their shoulders close, brushes their hands together and parades in Bam’s personal space—a thing he’d never thought he’d do back then but things have changed—just to make sure Bam was really here.

“Your earrings.” Bam suddenly says, voice quiet as he stares at Khun. Rak’s on his arm, diagonally laying down on his part of the bed, happily snoring. “It’s gone.”

“Yeah.” Khun replies, just as quietly. Bam reaches out, touching his ears so softly, like he was imagining the earrings that was supposed to be there. “I removed it the day you—”

Died. It hangs in the air both of them knowing what Khun fully meant but unwilling to say.

Bam hums. He touches the shell of Khun’s ear, outlining the part where his earrings used to be. “It matched your eyes.” Bam murmurs, slow and sleepy. “I’m glad I’m here, Khun.”

Bam’s hand falls as his eyes close and his breathing becomes heavy. Khun stares at him, a small smile on his lips as he brushes the hair out of his face. He feels serene—the kind of serenity and calmness that comes when he’s in Bam’s presence. He watches the steady rise and fall of Bam’s chest, still unable to believe that he was right here, beside Khun.

“I’m glad you’re here too, Bam.”

When Hwaryun tells them they need to go their separate ways, Khun doesn’t even complain. It’s uncharacteristic of him especially since he’s been reunited with Bam after six years but Khun had always thought that if he needed to hunt down Rachel, he wouldn’t tell Bam.

He didn’t know how Bam would react or what he would do if he found out Khun was hunting down Rachel.

“Let’s neet again on the train in a year.” Khun says, extending his hand out. He’d miss them, even though he’d never say it out loud. Six years was no joke. “Bam.”

Bam stares at him, perplexed before he shakes Khun’s hand. “Okay.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Rak whispers, crossing his arms around his chest. “Why is he being so obedient?”

He wonders what Bam would do if Khun killed Rachel. Besides, he has to ask himself first if he could really kill Rachel knowing what Bam meant to her.

There’s not much he can think of after that. Hwaryun had aided him in his quest for hunting down Rachel but he knew it was all because it aligned with whatever plan she had.

“Mr. Khun?”

Khun startles, looking over the doorway to his room to see Bam standing there, hesitantly looking at Khun. Khun didn’t even notice he was there, too busy thinking about,well, Bam.

Khun sits down on his bed, tilting his head to meet Bam’s gaze. “Did you forget something?”

Bam enters his room, like he did before, sitting down in front of Khun. “Just… Is something bothering you, Mr. Khun?”

Damn it. Why was he so perceptive?

Khun smirks. Deflect. Deflect.  “What makes you say that?”

“Rak’s right. You don’t… you usually have opinions when it comes to Miss Hwaryun’s plans.”

Khun hums. He lays back down on his bed, arms behind his head. “Well, it never hurts to be obedient once.”

That makes Bam laugh. “I’ve never heard you say you’d be obedient before.” He hums before standing up, smiling at Khun. “If something’s bothering you, well, Rak and I are right here to listen.”

“I know Bam. Thanks.”

Bam nods. “See you in a year, Mr. Khun.”

“See you, Bam.”

I’m sorry, he wants to say as the door closes and Khun’s alone in the vicinity of his room. This is something I can’t tell you.

When they meet a year later, they don’t even make it a jolly reunion. Rachel had always seemed to dampen the joy he feels upon seeing Bam.

“You surely haven’t changed a bit. You still hide your true thoughts, not looking around you and only going after what you want.” Isn’t that why you tried to kill Bam? Isn’t that why you lied to us for six years? Isn’t that why you chose your stars?

“But to someone else, I’m the brightest woman ever. That’s right, to Bam, I’m somewhat like a star. A star that shines so bright.”

He wants nothing more than to tape her mouth shut but she’s right. The thing was, to Bam, Rachel was the reason why he kept on going—why he kept on chasing her. But he wasn’t going to let her have that satisfaction. “Dream on. If I tell Bam everything, do you think he’ll still see you that way? You’re not a star, but just filthy trash.”

But no matter how much Khun wants Bam to see how Rachel isn’t worth it, he knows Bam thinks otherwise. He knows Bam would risk everything just to get Rachel back. He knows Bam would rather break himself over and over than to let his light go.

“Bam!” He shouts, wanting to stop Bam from putting himself in danger but even as he says it, he knows there’s no point.

Bam wouldn’t listen to him. Bam wouldn’t cast a glance at him because Rachel was there, right in front of him.

“Bam, get a grip! Don’t lose yourself!”

“But, I can’t hold onto her without using this power.”

Khun looks down.

That’s the most painful thing, isn’t it? His treacherous mind whispers. Knowing you can’t stop him because the person right in front of him is his world.

Bam was giving up everything for Rachel. How can he even try and top that?

*

The next soul mark that appears in his body is completely unexpected.

It’s on his ankle and it’s the mark that makes everything click into place for Khun. It’s nothing special, weird more like but it was a bunch of banana’s sticking like a sore thumb on his pale skin.

He wants to ask his soulmate, really? Bananas? But before he can ridicule such thought, he looks at the mark and thinks of the crocodile and how he was always eating bananas. He looks at the mark on his wrist and it’s a familiar set of blue earrings, interwoven that it looks like two singular circles if not for the needle dangling in it. He remembers the mark on his back, a singular star and remembers how Rachel had told Khun that for him Rachel was the brightest star.

And oh—

Khun wants to laugh or bang his head on the wall just to find out if this as really his reality. He has never entertained the idea of soulmates so he didn’t know that the marks could also be something that represented something they loved. If he had, he would’ve figured things out sooner, he would’ve tried his damn best not to feel a thing for Bam because fuck at the end of the day, it was still Rachel, wasn’t it?

The first mark that appeared on Khun’s back, a singular star indicating Rachel.

At the end of the day, they could never compare to Rachel, right?

It was Rachel who had brought light into Bam’s dark and lonely world. It was Rachel who gave Bam a companion, a best friend, a sister, a person he would do everything for. It was Rachel who taught Bam everything he knew and even if Rachel might betray him over and over again, Bam would still hold on to her because to Bam, Rachel had given him everything—Rachel was everything.

“Why are you trying so hard?”

Khun doesn’t turn to look at Evan, watching as Enna Core floats around him. “I used to never get why Bam turned a blind eye on everything Rachel did. If it was me, I’d make a scheme to make them pay three-folds.”

Evan stays silent beside him but he can feel the judgment in his stare. “Bam was always chasing Rachel and Rachel was always pushing him away. Damn,” Khun can’t help but laugh, bitter and forced. “I never thought there would come a time where I’ll understand their relationship.”

“Understand?”

“Yeah.” Khun reaches out to the light, trying to enclose it in his hands. “Because right now, if Bam isn’t here, I feel like the end of the world will come.”

“Heh. I never thought I’d hear someone from the Khun family say that.” Evan hums. “You do know that sounds like a confession right?”

Khun laughs.

He has never tried to pretend otherwise.

“Blue Turtle!”

Khun’s whole body aches from the training and it doesn’t help that Rak’s shouting makes his head throb. He glares, tugging over the hem of his shirt and discarding it on his bed. “Don’t shout, croc. What do you want?”

“Stop calling me a crocodile!” Rak replies back before he narrows his eyes at Khun, arms across his chest. Uh oh, what does he want now? “And I’m here asking why you’re avoiding us!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Khun rolls his eyes. He should really take a shower first. “We see each other almost every day.”

“That’s now what I meant!” He points at Khun, jumping down on Khun’s bed. Damn it. He just wants to rest. “You’re avoiding talking to Black Turtle, you wimpy turtle!”

“Do you have hatred against the turtles?” Khun snorts. “And what do you mean by avoiding? Like I said, don’t we see each other daily? It isn’t possible to avoid anybody in this team.”

“Stop deflecting!” Rak elbows him on his sides, pointing at Khun. “Even the Black Turtle has noticed you avoiding him! And stop pretending that you don’t, we know you better than that, you wimpy turtle!”

“Stop pointing at me.” Khun says, slapping his hand away. “And stop calling me a wimpy turtle.”

“I can call you whatever I want since you’re such a wimp!” Rak hisses at him. “Why don’t you just tell him rather than avoiding him and all of this useless shit?”

Rak glares at him before he leaves Khun’s room.

And the thing was, the crocodile, as much as Khun hated to admit it was right. He had been avoiding them—sure, he was with them most of the time planning everything and eating meals with them but as soon as that’s other Khun would immediately lock himself in his room or look for Evan for training. Even if he was doing it all his life, Khun can’t tamp down the feelings that resurface whenever he sees Bam.

It was fine, it was supposed to be fine. This was nothing for Khun. He could take it all, the suffering and the pain that came with it but right now, he couldn’t look at Bam and feel nothing.

He couldn’t look at Bam and feel like the world hasn’t crashed down on him. Because yes, Bam was his soulmate and yes, Khun would probably do anything Bam asks but Bam’s light was someone else.

It was supposed to be fine. It was fine. He just needed a little more time.

When he meets Kiseia again in the Hidden Floor as his sworn enemy, he wanted to laugh. Of course, it would be her. He’s reminded of the words she threw at him the day his sister committed suicide.

Hey you won, he wants to say as the knife pierces through him. You’re right, my soulmate—no, Bam doesn’t love me.

When he closes his eyes, everything feels like falling into sleep.

*

It’s the third time they’ve been separated and reunited but it never seems to be easy. Time didn’t do much for what Khun felt about Bam. It seemed to intensify and he could hardly stand still as he Bam’s ship dock.

“Bam!” He calls out, opening his arms as he sees him walking down the ladder.

Because wasn’t it always like this? No matter how mad he was or how he disagreed with Bam, he could never deny Bam anything. Call Khun stubborn but Bam takes the cake for that.

“Khun!” He greets, eyes widening in surprise but it’s soon replaced by an excited expression as he runs over to where Khun and Rak were standing. “You’re here!”

Time seems good to Bam. His hair was longer, tied in a small ponytail around his back. He grew leaner, broader on his shoulders and there was that sort of unfazed confidence around him. He looked more mature too but the expression on his face was freer than before.

Catching up felt like an eternity. Rak has told him pretty much of what happened but Bam still told him of his adventures, of training with Evankhell so hard that his body ached all over, of calling Isu on his pockets for updates on Khun, of his plans right now to free Deng Deng.

They fight on it, of course, because Bam had always wanted to save everyone he could as long as his power would allow it and Khun was always logical and rational, thinking of the pros and cons of Bam’s goal. It felt like old times.

“I’m glad you’re back. Don’t get me wrong, you need a personality change but,” Isu says, just as Khun’s settling down in his new room. “Bam’s stubborn as hell and you’re the only one who can contradict him on that. You’re like 50% of his impulse control. He listens to you at least, more than anyone in the room.”

“He’s still a billion times more stubborn than me.” Khun sighs, dropping his coat on the chair. “Heh, did you really miss me that much?”

“Commanding was never my forte. It’s always been yours and boy was it hard without your schemes together with Bam’s stubbornness,” Isu says, shrugging. “Welcome back, Khun.”

Khun rolls his eyes but waves at Isu as he leaves the room. He stares outside the window, caressing the soul mark on his right wrist. It brought comfort, for some reason. It was a habit he didn’t want anyone to know, an indicator of how anxious and uncomfortable he was.

A knock on the door interrupts his thoughts. Khun raises a brow. Who could it be at this hour? “It’s open.”

Bam sticks his head inside the room. He brightens when he sees Khun. “Khun!”

“Hey, Bam.” Khun smiles back. Bam slots himself back in Khun’s life as if nothing had happened. As if there wasn’t a two-year gap worth of memories between them. “What’s up?”

“I need to talk to you.”

Khun rolls his eyes. “No, I am not arguing with you about Deng Deng. Yama will have your neck slit.”

“It’s not about that.” Bam says, fidgeting slightly on his seat which was Khun’s bed. At this, Khun turns his full attention on him, raising a brow at Bam’s behavior. “Rak told me I needed to talk to you.”

That goddamn crocodile.

Didn’t they drop this matter years ago?

“About what?” When Bam doesn’t answer, Khun chuckles, rolling his eyes. “Hey, what’s the fidgeting for? We’ve known each other for what? More or less eight years?”

“You were asleep for two so it doesn’t count.” Bam replies.

Khun laughs. Yeah, he likes the changes he sees in Bam.

“So, what did the croc tell you now?”

“After you—” Bam pauses, licking his lips. “After Rachel killed you, I didn’t know what to do.”

Of course, it was about Rachel.

“I was angry but I was also confused. I hated what she had become. I hated that she killed you like that. I was angry because I thought I’d lost you because of her. I hated how she could target you to get through me.”

Khun merely stares at him, all of his attention on Bam.

“She told me she knew who I was, why I was in that dark place. She said my mother—she called me a monster.” And oh, Khun thinks of the fifty ways he could kill Rachel right now, make her suffer for saying that to Bam. “And maybe she was right, maybe she wasn’t telling the truth but—”

“For days, I felt like floating, not knowing what to do. How did she even know my mother?” Bam pauses, looks up at Khun and there he sees the boy he had meet on the Floor of Tests, vulnerable and naïve and it’s almost heartbreaking to watch. The pain in his eyes was unmistakable, his shoulders slumped as if he couldn’t take the burden anymore. “And those days, the only thing that kept me going was trying to find that someone that would cure you.”

Khun tilts his head, forehead creased and brows meeting in confusion. Where was Bam going with this?

“Not once in my life did I think I was going to lose you.” Bam whispers, quiet and yet Khun could hear it clearly, like a whistle reaching his ears no matter what. “And I didn’t know what to do when I almost lost you.”

“Bam—”

“And I never want to feel that feeling again.” Bam says, resolute. His golden eyes shine with determination, striking at the very core of Khun’s soul. He couldn’t look away, not that he wanted to. “Rak told me I had to tell you before it was too late. Before we got into the Hidden Floor but I didn’t—I wanted to but we weren’t luxurious on time.”

Khun could feel the hitch in his breath, could feel the beat on his chest growing louder and louder, faster and faster and he couldn’t calm himself. “Bam, what do you mean?”

“You try to distance yourself from people so you won’t get hurt when they leave but have you ever thought that there are people in this world that care about you?” Bam asks and he stands up, taking a step forward, a step closer to Khun.

“Bam?”

Where was his wit and intelligence now? Khun feels like every word he knew flew out of the window long ago and the only thing that is on his mind right now was Bam, Bam, Bam—

“It was you,” Bam whispers, as his hand traces Khun’s right arm and grabbing his wrist gently. He caresses the mark on wrist, ever so gently that it made Khun shudder slightly. “I saw this when you were encased.”

“My soul mark?”

“And I realized, long ago, I had chosen you.”

Fuck.

His heart was hammering on his chest. He was pretty sure Bam could hear the loud thuds that was meant for him. There was no way Bam had said that right? There was—was this a dream?

“When Master told me years ago, what I wanted, I didn’t want to become their god or a slayer. I just wanted—I just wanted to be with you and Rak and more than not seeing Rachel, not being able to see you and Rak pained me more. When we were chasing Rachel, it wasn’t because I chose her or I wanted her but because I wanted to know why. Why she would betray me so hard like this, pushing me off twice. What was so good about the stars that she could easily betray me like this?”

“On nights when I felt angry and violent, the only thing that would calm me down was looking at the blue sky. It wasn’t like yours but it helped me calm down.” Bam says, looking down on the mark on Khun’s wrist. He sees the smile on Bam’s face when his heart quickens and he knows Bam can feel it underneath his fingers. “It was your earrings that had the same blue color that matched your eyes.”

“You…” Khun could feel his throat tightening. “You know.”

“I put those marks on your body Khun.” Bam says, laughing softly. “Of course I know.”

And Khun feels like Bam had stolen every bit of oxygen in the room. He doesn’t even stand close to Khun but Khun could feel everything—the soft gentle caresses on his wrist, Bam’s chest when it reverberates with laughter, his soft breathing matching Khun and the eyes that had never looked away from him, not even once.

Khun feels like drowning. Bam’s eyes weren’t the color of the ocean, it was golden like the legend they called stars or the sun but Khun feels like drowning while looking at Bam’s eyes and he doesn’t even want to come up and breathe.

“How did you…” Khun shakes his head. “Your soulmate, it might not be even…”

Bam shakes his head. “Weren’t you the ones who said that we shouldn’t be a stickler to the rules?” He pokes at Khun’s sides, grinning when Khun turns to glare at him. He really should’ve never told them he was ticklish on his sides. “Besides, I think I’ve got a very large soul mark that screams you.”

“What?”

Bam pulls his hands, placing them on top of his shirt. He smiles when Khun hesitates, looking at him for permission. “All yours.”

Khun calms himself down. He mentally congratulates himself when his fingers don’t shake. He unbuttons Bam’s shirt, until he sees a black mark on the upper part of his chest.

Frowning, Khun unbuttons the other buttons but he stops when he sees how breathtaking Bam’s soul mark was. Khun looks up at him, lips parting in surprise as he gently traces the soul mark on Bam’s chest. Like what Bam had said, the soulmark on his chest was large. It spanned from one side to another and Khun’s not even sure if it crosses on Bam’s back. The soul mark was one of the biggest Khun’s ever seen and it was a picture of the night sky.

It was all black with hues of dark blue and white dots twinkling over it. It looked like an artist painted over Bam’s chest, with hues of blue and black, swirling over Bam’s heart. What made it even more stunning was the moon sitting on top of Bam’s heart, shining like a jewel in the midst of the darkness and that—

The moon was the color of Khun’s eyes.

“Oh.”

Bam laughs, echoing throughout Khun’s room and something Khun would never be able to forget. He grabs Khun’s wrist, kissing his soul mark before dragging Khun to the bed.

“Hey!”

“I’m tired,” Bam replies, placing his arms around Khun to bring him down to the bed next to him. “I want to sleep.”

“Your room is just beside mine, you know.” Khun deadpans but he lets himself be brought down to the bed beside Bam. It’s been awhile since they last shared a bed together and it’s been awhile since Khun intentionally let physical touch linger.

“Too tired.” Bam argues but Khun knows it’s all bullshit as he wraps his arms around Khun and bringing his head close to Khun’s chest. “Besides, two years is a long time without my side Khun and you promised me you’d escort me to the top.”

Khun laughs, a wave of fondness flies across as he looks at Bam who’s confident in himself, who stands by what he believes is right and who Khun wanted to see for a long time. He cards his fingers on Bam’s hair, not Viole-length which made Khun remember the time where they weren’t in each other’s side but also not the very short length he used to have.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” He whispers and feels Bam’s hand tighten around him.

It’s a promise—for the future.

*

When Khun wakes up, it’s to Bam tracing the soul mark on his back.

He hums, peeking over the pillow to look at Bam who smiles at him. He continues tracing the star on Khun’s back as if he was a child fascinated by it. “I used to hate it, you know.”

“Hmm?”

“That star.” Khun says, closing his eyes. “I used to hate it because it represented Rachel.”

“Oh.” Bam says, pausing for a moment before he continues. “Used to?”

Khun nods. “Well, I know it represents Rachel but it was always baffling to me since you didn’t care much about the stars. You just wanted to stay by Rachel’s side.”

“Before, yeah.” Bam whispers, correcting Khun.

“But then, Rachel’s words made sense to me.” Khun replies, tilting his body slightly as he uses his elbows and props his head on his hand. “Rachel wasn’t the star, it was you.”

Bam raises a brow.

“You were always glowing. You seemed to get stronger every single time. You shone brighter than everybody else, even in the darkness.”

Bam hums. “So if I’m a star on your back, does that mean I always have your back?”

Khun buries his head on his bed, feeling Bam’s laughter echo as Khun tries his hardest not to look at him. He still wasn’t used to this Bam—the Bam who confidently spewed out words, the Bam who would match Khun’s sharp words with sweeter words, this Bam wasn’t good for Khun’s heart.

“Just because you said that does not mean I’m dropping the Deng Deng issue.” Khun says.

Bam laughs. “Oh, that’s right. Khun, I was always wondering, what’s with the banana?”

“Banana?”

“Yeah,” Bam replies before he raises up his leg and reveals a bunch of banana’s tattooed in Bam’s ankle. “Were you ever fond of banana—Oh.”

“Don’t tell him.” Khun threatens, glaring at Bam who merely grins back, caressing the banana on Khun’s ankle. “Why is that even there? I don’t even like that crocodile.”

“Uhuh.” Bam teases, his tone suggesting that he doesn’t believe Khun. “My soul mark would say otherwise.”

And God—fuck, he would deny it to everybody else but he can’t stop the smile on his face when Bam says that.

Bam smiles back at him and for a moment, Khun forgets that there would be a war going on, that they would have to fight Yama (—because even if Khun was stubborn, trying to convince Bam to stop once he sets his mind to it was almost next to impossible) or that they still have to address the Rachel problem between them (—because honestly, even if Bam tells him that Rachel wasn’t worth it, he still has a bone to pick with that lying, manipulative, filthy trash) and for a moment, it’s just them, Khun and Bam against the world.

“Hey turtles! If you had a sleepover why didn’t you invite your leader over?!” Rak shouts from behind Khun’s door, banging on it loudly.

Bam laughs. Khun shakes his head.

Right.

They’ve got a war to win.