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The first time Wen Ning saw Wei Wuxian he thought his heart would stop. The other man was absolutely stunning: the way he moved, his face, his voice. What caught his attention most however, was the hair. It was long and silky, and that day it was swept up into a messy ponytail. It should have looked funny, hair sticking out at odd angles, but it just looked insanely cool. They didn’t speak that day, or the next few times Wen Ning saw him. In fact, it took over a year for them to have a proper conversation. By that time Wen Ning had started to grow out his short hair, and it just about reached his chin. It was in a chemistry class they took together, when Wei Wuxian leaned over and asked for a pen. Wen Ning assumed that they wouldn’t interact beyond that, because why would someone so cool stoop so low, but he was wrong. After class Wei Wuxian gave back the pen and smiled “Wen Ning, right? You’re really good at biochemistry, aren’t you? You should participate more in class.” Unbelievable. He stammered something noncommittal in response, which got him another genuine smile. “I was about to head to the cafeteria, want to join me?” This time all Wen Ning could do was nod, his voice failing him completely. They hung out for a while, Wei Wuxian talking incessantly, occasionally asking questions that Wen Ning got better and better at answering. It was a pleasant afternoon and by the end of it, they exchanged numbers. This is how Wen Ning went from admiring from afar, to being Wei Wuxian’s… friend? Confidant? Co-conspirator? They were there for each other. Wei Wuxian helped him deal with Wen Chao. In return Wen Ning helped him through the tumultuous time before Wei Wuxian got together with Lan Wangji.
At first, Wen Ning thought he was in love with the other man. It would have made sense, Wei Wuxian was gorgeous, kind and hilarious and Wen Ning wasn’t not attracted to men. Not that he was really attracted to anyone all that much. But something about that wasn’t right. Being in love with Wei Wuxian, would have been different. It would have hurt, yes, but Wen Ning was experiencing a different kind of ache in his chest, every time he looked at him. It took him some time to figure out and when he did, it hit him like a ton of bricks.
He had just come home from spending the day with his sister and Wei Wuxian and he threw himself comfortably on his bed to read for a while. He felt good, confident even. Being around Wei Wuxian did that to him. It was like Wen Ning could absorb some of the other man’s charisma and confidence when they were together. He smiled. He was still wearing his outdoor clothes and he figured he should get changed into his pjs. It was a good outfit he’d worn that day, all black loose clothes and a long silver necklace. He carefully folded his clothes as he took them off and put them into his closet until he was wearing only boxers and a binder. He examined himself in the mirror, which was usually a mistake, but he’d been feeling good about his body lately. That’s when he saw it. Maybe it was the way the light fell over the soft curves of his hips, maybe it was the black nail polish that flipped his mood like a switch, or maybe it was the stupid hair that now fell way past his chin, almost to his shoulders. Whatever it was, it caused his lungs to seize up and he struggled to get any air into them at all. His head was spinning, and an overwhelming panic rose in his chest. This was all wrong. Who was he kidding? Who was he trying to fool? He locked eyes with himself in the mirror, and it felt like he saw himself clearly for the first time in ages. His round, pale face, his delicate hands. God, he was an idiot. With shaky hands he grabbed a hair tie from his desk and tied his hair up into a messy bun. Then he stared at his nails. He was such an idiot. He fetched the nail polish remover and frantically scrubbed away the varnish. His hands were still shaking, and the acrid smell of acetone made him cough. When his nails were bare, he felt a little calmer. That is until he realised he was still wearing his binder and that to go to sleep he would have to take it off. He turned away from the mirror and prepared a loose t-shirt. Then he took off his binder. The relief was instant, his body relaxing at the freedom. He tried not to think about how his chest felt as he bent over to pick up the shirt. His head felt so loud. He didn’t realise he was crying until an ugly noise escaped his throat. His whole body shook as he pulled on thick joggers and climbed into bed, turning off the light as he went. He pulled the covers over his body, his stupid traitorous body. He could almost feel the shape of his legs beneath the covers, the way his thighs were way too round and his calves not toned enough. It made him shudder. His arms lay stiffly by his sides, hands pressed against the mattress in fear of touching even an inch of his body. How could he have been so stupid? He had seriously fooled himself into thinking his appearance could ever reflect how he felt on the inside. It was Wei Wuxian’s fault, not that Wen Ning actually blamed him. But being around the other man had made it all seem so simple. Wen Ning had felt like he could have it all: playful androgyny while still being decidedly male. But of course that’s not what it looked like to other people at all. He burrowed deeper under the covers, sadness slowly subsiding and giving way to anger. He’d been so stupid. Of course it worked for Wei Wuxian. He could afford to wear nail polish and eyeliner. He easily got away with having long hair. Wen Ning had been so caught up in his friend that he’d forgotten that they were in fact not the same person. He’d lived vicariously through Wei Wuxian and that was his own fault. It was utterly sobering.
It took him several days to recover from this realisation. He avoided Wei Wuxian during this time. He needed space to sort through his feelings. Looking back on it now, the whole thing feels hazy and confusing. What remains is the intensity of the experience, even if the details are blurry. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t caught himself trying to emulate Wei Wuxian again, subconsciously copying some of his mannerisms. Doesn’t mean his heart doesn’t ache with something that is not quite envy, but yearning when he looks at his friend.
Now that he thinks about it, Wen Ning realises that he has tried to be one of the boys his whole life, even when he thought he was cis. It never worked and he always gave up in the end, a bitter taste in his mouth. With Wei Wuxian and his friends it’s different, to them he is a boy, an actual boy. And that counts for something. It doesn’t solve Wen Ning’s problem, he still can’t look at his body some days without his head spinning, and sometimes he will get caught up in trying to be something he can never be, but it means that he belongs. He has found his people, and maybe in time he will find himself too.