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Cordelia was feeling lonely.
Very alone, even if she had a great girlfriend that she spent 40% of her day with. Scratch that, 35%.
It was annoying to be involved with someone so talented.
Cordelia of course never meant this in any other way than that she misses hanging out with Charlotte, even though this has always been the usual for them. But at least when they started dating they both lived on the other side of town and had completely different lives.
Now, even though they saw each other everyday and shared the same bed, it felt like their time together had shortened. Cordelia had even started cooking and baking more efficiently, with more confidence, so that had left her with so much time alone at the apartment.
Alone with her thoughts.
Perhaps she was lonely, and the feeling was just a warning.
When those thoughts became far too overbearing, just enough for her to start believing in them, she would march to her neighbors door and knock. They were always home, always together and always in for drinks and free food from her home. Cordelia did sometimes feel bad about using them like that, but they never seemed to really mind.
‘’God, it must be nice having somebody rich love you’’ Whizzer states a while later after they all have settled down and started their little wine and beer club. He plants his feet on the plump couch and rests his back against the armrest, sipping on a cold bottle with a shit eating grin. His statement was obviously more a jab at Marvin and how he used to treat Whizzer like his plaything. Now the money was more budgeted for an actual relationship with real needs.
‘’Ignoring that, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Charlotte. How is she? Last time I had a real talk with her was after Whizzers sprained ankle.’’ Marvin asks once he had settled on sitting with her at the table than
‘’Which I sprained because you fucking shot the ball at it with full force’’ Whizzer adds playfully, and Cordelia grins at their bickering.
‘’She’s been busy, as usual’’ She shrugs a bit and opens the bottle of wine she had bought the day before. Originally it was supposed to be for dinner later, but she guesses a simple cocktail would do just as fine with the food. ‘’She has though gotten a new promotion, I’m very proud of her.’’ Cordelia softly says, smiling down at the wooden table before realizing that she was acting way too sappy.
Neither Whizzer or Marvin minded that, since they both knew their lesbien neighbors loved each other very dearly. Once she starts drinking the wine, she finds herself more invested in that then actually listening to Whizzer and Marvin jabs at one another.
‘’When are you going to get yours, Marv? Didn’t your boss say something about it… Two years ago?’’ Whizzer teases and Marvin turns in his chair and tilts his head, a wolfish grin on his face.
‘’I don’t see you complaining about me coming home early’’ Cordelia stops chugging and raises her gaze to hear more, listening curiously. Whizzer whistles and smacks the pillow with his free hand.
‘’Shouldn’t it be the opposite?’’ The flamboyant man responds, and they both grin at each other in a way that makes Cordelia avert her eyes. It felt like they were literally undressing each other with their eyes, and it was better to continue with the wine than look at them.
She was silent for a few more seconds, listening to them jabber on and off about so much, and her mind started to wander. She wasn’t alone right now, she wasn’t supposed to be thinking about this… She was never supposed to be thinking about this, goddamn it!
‘’Want to back me up, Cordelia?’’ The mention of her name started her awake from her thoughts, and she glanced at Whizzer who had now seated himself upright.
‘’What?’’
He rolls his eyes. ‘’’Tell Marvin that it is hard to be home all day too!’’
She smiles, an undertone of irritation also popping in without her meaning to. ‘’Most definitely harder than being a doctor or… Whatever it is you do’’ She waves a hand sassily in Marvin's direction, making Whizzer cackle. ‘’Even though I do own a business…’’ she adds to herself, masking it with another sip. Wine makes everything so much better.
‘’Also, we can’t exactly compare your job as an accountant to something like being a doctor. That’s like… Saying a failure is as good as success!’’ Whizzer blatantly states, obviously meant to come off as a gag, but Cordelia wholeheartedly agrees. For whatever reason, most definitely the wine, she feels the need to respond to that.
‘’It’s even worse when you think of the fact that I am literally a failure dating a wealthy doctor’’ Cordelia giggles, taking a rather bold gulp from the bottle of wine. Both Marvin and Whizzer stop and stare at her at that, surprised by her sudden self deprecating. ‘’Holy shit, that’s ironic isn’t it?’’ She jokes, laughing loudly at her own joke, but stops when she realises both men had gone quiet and were giving her a tense smile (Marvin) and a feigned smirk (Whizzer). ‘’Even my jokes suck!’’
She pouts when the last of the wine is finished, then lulls her head from one side to the other giddily.
‘’Hey, Cordelia. Maybe you’ve had too much to drink?’’ Marvin starts uneasily, taking the bottle of wine away from her and eying it when he realizes it was empty. ‘’Jesus christ, how the fuck did you drink an entire bottle of wine without us noticing?’’
She grins ‘’Might be because you two were way too busy looking at each other’s asses to notice’’ Marvin gasps and Whizzer half nods, sort of agreeing with her.’’Whizzer agrees, that’s reassuring’’
Marvin sends a glare at his direction, also mouthing for him to stop, then turns his focus back on Cordelia. ‘’This is the fifth time in two weeks you’ve had me and Whizzer over for drinks. Is something wrong?’’ Cordelia opens her mouth, then laughs again. This time it was much shorter.
‘’Pfft, do I need to have a reason to be with you guys?’’ She asks them, her eyes suddenly tearing up when she mulls over his question. She bites her lip harshly and turns away from both of their curious glances, trying to blink away the tears.
Everything was alright. Why the hell wouldn’t everything be alright? There was nothing bad happening in her life! She lived with the person she loves the most, her catering business was at least starting to pick up a bit more than last year, her friends were starting to act like actual friends and… She was thinking about it again.
She clenches her eyes shut for a second. ‘’Can you guys leave?’’
Whizzer scoffs and stands up from the couch, walking over to the kitchen table. ‘’What the hell, Cori. Why the sudden mood swing?’’ He asks, raising one of his ridiculously well plucked eyebrows. She has to take another deep breath, then smiles.
‘’I think I’m going to sleep’’
She doesn’t sleep when they leave, she only stares at the empty bottle of wine and thinks about how worthless she has been the entire day.
-
She doesn’t call them over next time they come to her home, neither does she really understand why Mendel was with them, standing nervously at front in the center. She was very confused, and he appears to feel something very familiar.
She does let them in, since she had nothing better for her. She might love to cook in her free time, but as of lately she hasn’t found the will to do anything other than the few events she had to cater and send food for, or for Charlotte later in the evening.
Sometimes Charlotte would even come home haven eaten dinner at the hospital, since her hours are never set straight anymore due to her being a superior now and having more responsibilities. It was alright, meant that Cordelia didn’t need to make any food and could spend the time cuddling with her girlfriend instead.
Once the four have settled down on the kitchen table the three men had been acting very odd the entire time and refusing beer when she had offered. Marvin had even grabbed the cocktail shaker she had taken out to make herself something to drink.
‘’You know, this is starting to feel more like an intervention than a friendly meeting between friends’’ She jokes when she realises that Marvin and Whizzers nervous glances across the table were making her anxious.
Mendel raises his eyebrows. ‘’Oh it definitely is, I thought you wanted me to talk to you?’’
Her eyebrows furrow and she frowns, then stares at the two homosexuals. ‘’What did you tell him?’’ She asks, feeling an awful heat wash through her body and her head felt much lighter all of a sudden. Whizzer looks very uncomfortable and mumbles that he would like to grab a beer now.
When his boyfriend had left, Marvin looked at her with an apologetic but stern look. ‘’You seemed kind of… Very down last time we were here and it made me think of the reasons why I had first started going to a psychiatrist.’’ He slowly starts, and Cordelia feels her breath catch in her throat. The warmth was overbearing, and it made her feel a sudden need to cry.
She holds it back and instead relies on the anger and disbelief she feels at hearing that. ‘’What, so you just went and did whatever you wanted, not even bothering to ask me?’’ She scoffs and turns her head away from them. ‘’You gave your ten year old child a choice but you ambush me?’’
‘’This is not an ambush, it’s like you said. An intervention’’ Whizzer says when he returns. She stands up at the same time that Whizzer sits down. No, she couldn’t fucking deal with this right now.
‘’I’m going out’’ She says after a second of thinking about a way to get out of this. Whizzer sputters on his drink and coughs as the others look at her.
‘’What? This is your home and you’re just going to leave us here?’’ Marvin complains loudly, sounding offended. If he was angry about his plan failing, he was so much more of a narcissist than she had calculated at first.
‘’I am clearly not in my right mentality, so yes Marvin. I’m going out, Marvin’’ She hisses, cringing at her own voice full of hatred. She doesn’t think much of it right now, she can handle this later when she comes home.
Before she can turn to the door and just leave the apartment, Mendel ran up to her and cornered her in the hallway, leaving the two men alone in the kitchen. ‘’I’m sorry about this, I didn’t know’’ He apologizes and she gives him a tense smile.
‘‘Don’t ever mention it again’’ She replies, then leaves her apartment.
The fact that she came home four hours later, thankfully ten minutes before Charlotte had arrived, was unknown to them.
-
She’s lying far too often, and she was starting to hate it.
She hated many aspects of her life right now, but lying was the absolute worst. She doesn’t even know why she started, it just happened by accident, which was then further developed and suddenly it was her life.
What was worse was that she was lying to Charlotte, of all people.
Charlotte who worked so hard every day, who paid 75% of the expenses made in the house, who always comes at the end of the day and smiles at Cordelia, then asked how her day was. It felt wrong to tell her the truth, that she had been spending the entire day in bed or taking walks that lasted more than enough hours, so she made little white lies.
Lies that would ruin their relationship sooner or later, and Cordelia doesn’t know what the fuck she would do then. She wasn’t even sure she could live without Charlotte.
‘’Have you lost weight?’’ Charlotte asks her once they were settled in bed, both of them wrapped around each other and with Cordelia’s head resting on her doctor's chest. It felt so soothing to listen to her heartbeat that she nearly misses the question.
‘’The summer heat has been making me sweat when doing deliveries’’ The lie rolls so soothingly off her tongue. Charlotte seemed to be quiet for a second, then she squeezed Cordelia lightly.
‘’Are you taking care of yourself?’’
The question, that question, was very hard to answer. She doesn’t know, she really doesn’t want to think about it either.
‘’Just like before’’ Cordelia responds quietly, then closes her eyes and pretends to fall asleep.
-
Two weeks after Mendel comes to her home unannounced, Cordelia does the same to him because she is freaking out. She can’t do this anymore. She couldn’t lie to Charlotte and she couldn’t live with those thoughts. She doesn’t want them, she doesn’t even know where they came from, and she was desperate to just end them.
Trina had been the one who opened the door, and they exchanged polite conversations meanwhile Mendel finishes bathing. She doesn’t tell her the real reason why she had arrived unannounced, just rolling it off as needing Mendel’s advice about something small. It wasn’t exactly a lie. Once he was out of the bathroom, he took her to his office/work out room for them.
‘’I need to have a session with you right now’’ She tells him the second the door closes, and he seemed genuinely surprised at first.
‘’Cordelia, you can’t barge in and expect me to give you an appointment right away. You need to-‘’
Without thinking, and with no real filter, she begs him from out of nowhere. ‘’Please, I’m scared’ She whispers, and the warmth is back in a giant swarm. She clenches her oversized sweater and looks down. It felt humiliating to admit it in such a way.
‘’Take a seat’’ He softly tells her, and she does so with a smile that had started to feel foreign to herself.
She nervously fumbles with her hands the entire time, and she can’t bring herself to bring up the real problem. She instead talks about how she feels about her new lying habits, and what she should do to stop it. Mendel could only offer a way to reduce the thoughts of lying by giving her multiple tips and ideas that psychologically worked. For instance, she should stop listening to her inner voice, since said voice was the reason why she was lying.
When an hour has soon passed, he stops her before she can leave and says that he has one final question. ‘’Cordelia, have you been having any thoughts about dying?’’
Yes, those were the thoughts that wouldn’t shut up, Yes, those have started to consume most of her actions. Yes, she was scared and came here because she wasn’t sure what she was going to do if she was alone in that apartment for another second.
‘’No, I’ve never thought about that’’ She replies, and then pinches her arm.
Mendel looks up from his notepad, then sighs and closes it up. ‘’Is that another lie?’’
She looks away, then nods.
It wasn’t a surprise when Mendel told her that he would recommend for her to return and talk about the actual problem, but it was a surprise when he doesn’t accept her paying for this session. ‘’Think of it as a free trial’’ He smiles softly at her and she nods, then leaves their house and walks home.
-
‘’Cordelia?’’ Charlotte calls, shaking her slightly and waking her up. Cordelia sleepily opens her eyes and flashes her a small smile. ‘’I’m going now, I love you-‘’She bends and kisses her forehead, ‘’I’ll see you at seven,’’ She stands up and turns but before she can leave Cordelia manages to grip her wrist and pull her back.
‘’Seven?’’ She whispers, and Charlotte smiles sadly at her.
‘’Yeah, I have to work overtime today. I’m sorry.’’ Cordelia closes her eyes and nods, then lets go of her wrist and snuggles back into the covers. When she hears the door close she starts to cry.
-
Four sessions later, she found herself staring at a small bottle of SSRI. Sertraline, to be more specific. She has honestly no idea how she had gotten here, but she listens to Mendel and uses them daily.
The session where Mendel had brought them up and told her about it, the third one they had, she had gone quiet and could only think of Charlotte during the entire hour. How would she react if she knew about this? Would she be disappointed and not want anything to do with her? Probably.
When she returns to him a week after starting to take them, she did feel better because of them. She felt so much better, but then came in the guilt about still not having mustered up the courage to talk to Charlotte. She should’ve even told her before using them.
Her girlfriend was a doctor, for god's sake. She knew everything about these medications and their side effects!
Before she left that day, she clears her throat and cracks her knuckles. ‘’Could you help me find a way to tell Charlotte?’’
He sputters around and coughs. ‘‘You still haven’t told her?’’ He responds in surprise, and she laughs nervously whilst twirling her hair in her fingers. ‘’Have you told her anything about this?’’ She pauses, then shakes her head.
‘’Kind of hoping you had some sort of… Voodoo way to make it easier to say’’ Cordelia replies honestly, then gives him a small smile when he rolls his eyes.
‘’Honestly, this is never easy to tell your significant other’’ He states calmly and she slumps in her chair.
‘’Can’t you tell her? Like, doctor to doctor?’’ She asks in an small, innocent voice, and that’s how they both sat for thirty minutes to come up with an elaborate plan to tell Charlotte.
They had to create the perfect scenario, the smoothest atmosphere and have it somewhere a bit private. Mendel suggested that he and Trina could invite them over for food, just the four of them with Jason spending his weekend with Marvin, and with that, Cordelia smiled wider. After the perfect dinner, that should boost Cordelia’s confidence, she would bring it up on the way back home.
That sounded perfect, and it probably was going to work if nobody messed it up. Cordelia sure hopes it wouldn’t be her.
Convincing Charlotte to come home earlier to join Mendel and Trina for dinner at their house wasn’t as hard as Cordelia had thought it would be. She wasn’t expecting Charlotte to smile widely at her and say that of course she would come home earlier. Cordelia wondered if it had always been that easy to tell her…
Either way, that was how the two lovers were enjoying the evening far more than neither could have predicted. It was the first time in a while that they had been outside on a ‘’date’’ and this was the closest thing to it. It was the happiest they both had been in a while, and Cordelia nearly forgot about the real reason they were here.
But the food was delicious, the light and giddy mood Cordelia was in and the de stressed and gentle doctor laughing loudly and throatily at Trina and Marvins awful jokes were just perfect. The couple has missed this a lot.
‘’You know, I’m surprised they invited us here’’ Charlotte mumbles, leaning closer to Cordelia so that they wouldn’t hear what she was going to say. ‘’We’ve never really had a talk with them’’
‘’They might’ve done this to get to know us better’’ Cordelia responds, shrugging but gritting her teeth nervously whilst placing her hand on her arm. ‘’Can we talk about the shirt Mendel chose to wear today?’’ She chooses to change the subject, and this one was too important to leave untouched.
Charlotte grins widely and lets out a sigh in relief. ‘’God, yes please. I thought it would be too rude to say something about it because they invited us over’’ Cordelia laughs, her hand going down to interlock their finger instead.
The shirt they were talking about was a worn out dress shirt, the color green and red clashing against each other rather harshly. It was almost as if Mendel was colorblind and couldn’t tell what the real colors on the shirt were.
‘’I mean, Trina dresses like a queen but her husband? Don’t they usually say that spouses compliment each other’s outfits?’’ They both glance down at their own attire, noting that they had unconsciously done the same. Cordelia’s mom jeans and Charlotte's light blue shirt were practically the same color, and they both wore brown belts around their waists.
Her doctor pulls her closer, even though they were already right by each other, and wraps her free hand around Cordelia’s waist. ‘’Are you suggesting something, baby?’’ She mutters, her eyes heavy, and the taller shudders at her low voice.
‘’Cordelia! Charlotte! How are you?’’ Trina asks glady, coming over to them with a giant smile. The lesbians smile back, even though they were both mildly angry at their moment being disrupted, and Charlotte responds.
‘’Good, very good’’ the doctor glances at Cordelia with a smirk, and they share a giggle. Trina nods, feeling a bit uncomfortable at their PDA, then turns her head towards Cordelia.
‘’That’s great! How are the sessions with Mendel?’’ She asks, and the question seemed innocent enough, had it not been for her entire plan being destroyed.
As if a bowling ball had been thrown at their perfect reality, Cordelia felt it slipping away the second Charlotte’s hand around her waist stiffened. Oh yeah, she had completely forgotten to tell Trina about the plan she and Mendel had thought of. Perhaps it was because she had expected him to have done that, but that clearly hadn’t happened.
Trina notices the abrupt tension and grimaces. ‘’Oh, I didn’t mean to-‘’ Thankfully, Mendel called her over so that they could start bringing the food out, which left them alone again. That brief interaction that lasted a full minute had officially ruined her entire plan. For the first time since they had moved in together, Cordelia desperately didn’t want to go home.
Charlotte turns to look at her, but Cordelia was looking to the other side, avoiding her gaze entirely and not wanting to see what emotion was conveying on her face. ‘’Sessions?’’
‘’Well, I was going to tell you this after dinner, after Mendel has-‘’
‘’Oh, so this dinner was a part of a plan?’’ Charlotte interrupts, and Cordelia inhales sharply before turning her head towards the brunette. It was hard to pinpoint the exact emotion Charlotte wore, but there was an undertone of disappointment to it.
‘’It was the easiest way to say this.’’
‘’Really? Is it that hard to just talk to me when-‘’
‘’When you’re always busy and stressed and barely home?’’ Cordelia finishes quietly, making the other shut up. Charlotte’s grimace falls and she opens her mouth to say something, but she was speechless. Even if the doctor knew her girlfriend disliked her work hours, this was the first time Cordelia had openly complained about it.
Cordelia shook off the hand around her and took a few steps away from Charlotte, then looked at her with tears in her eyes and sort of flopped her hands.
‘’I’m not okay’’ Charlotte’s brows furrow and she shakes her head slightly. Cordelia swallows, then continues. ‘’Apparently I haven’t been okay in a while’’ Her lower lip trembles, and she bites it to keep it from moving.
‘’ Cordelia,’’ Charlotte’s soft voice speaks up, making the blonde stiffen at the calmness that was portrayed in it. ‘’ We should leave now. I have way too much to say about this.’’
-
Cordelia pulls out the small bottle, out of a drawer full of pots and pans that Charlotte would never open, and places it on the dining table. She knows Charlotte knew what they were and what they’re for, so she just sort of shrugs and presents them awkwardly.
The entire way home she had been thinking over and over again about what she should say, how she should say it and if it was possible that she wouldn’t cry during it. Her mind short circuited and she could only think of one word instead, and she prayed to god, any god, that today could be over.
Charlotte hadn’t said a word since they had left Trina and Mendel’s home, and now she was eerily quiet as well. When Cordelia musters up the courage to look at her, she stiffens when she notices her looking back at her with tears in her eyes. Charlotte, her Charlotte, never cried. No matter what she had seen at the hospital that day, or the awful slurs that were often used against her. Charlotte had never cried.
‘’I’m sorry’’ the blonde whispers quietly, then drops her head and wraps her hands around herself. ‘‘I’m so sorry, please forgive me,’’ and the tears that had gathered since Trina had slipped up we’re finally falling, and she felt the warmth wash over her again. That fucking warmth that made her choke and give in. ‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’’
She repeated those words until they didn’t have any meaning to her anymore, and she didn’t stop until she felt Charlotte’s arms around her. The doctor pulled in the shaking woman and they sank down to the floor, then they held onto each other until Cordelia tired herself out and fell asleep.
-
They both wake up at three am, Charlotte hungry and Cordelia unable to sleep again, and they sit around the table and talk. Heart to heart. And Cordelia spills it all out. Everything she had thought about the past six months, her sessions with Mendel and, most importantly, the bottle.
Charlotte listens, completely quiet, and doesn’t let her stop until she has nothing to say anymore. When that happens, she took a hold of Cordelia’s hands and simply said ‘‘I’m proud of you.’’
Her breath shortens and she shakes her head, her blonde, tousled hair falling everywhere. ‘’No, you shouldn’t be-‘’
‘’Yes, I’m proud of you.’’ Charlotte insists, her voice final. ‘’Thank you for telling me this. I’m very proud of you, Cordelia.’’
Charlotte continued to repeat those words until Cordelia had stopped shaking her head, and started to believe her.
-
Whizzer and Marvin practically dropped their jaws to the floor in surprise when Cordelia knocked on their door, since she had given them the silent treatment the past two months. They stood there in the same position that Cordelia practically rolled her head and pointed at the door next to theirs. ‘’Get in before you both turn into fly catchers.’’
They do so without another thought, all of them taking seats around the table just like before, but this time all of them were holding a light cider. Cold, lemony cider that, if they had too many of, would get them hella drunk. Thankfully Whizzer and Marvin had more than two packs, and they decided to treat Cordelia for some today.
‘‘I should probably say I’m sorry before we get drunk’’ Cordelia says, clinking her beer against theirs as they praised the cold bottle in their hands. ‘’It was very uncalled for to give you guys so much shit.’’
‘’Hey, we should also be apologizing,’’ Marvin interfered, and Whizzer whipped his head towards him.
‘‘We? This was all you, sweetie’’ He shook his head then leaned into Cordelia’s side. ‘’Seriously, this was one hundred percent his fault’’ She laughs happily, and they all take sips from their beers. Whizzer then sets his bottle down and lets out a sigh. ‘’Alright, I gotta know what the hell happened’’
‘’Whizzer, that’s not appropriate to ask!’’ Marvin scolds, throwing an angry glance in his direction. Cordelia shakes a hand nonchalantly, taking another sip before breathing in deeply. She should at least be a bit honest with them, since she has stopped with her lies after telling Charlotte the truth.
‘’ Well, Marvin was sort of right about talking to Mendel’’ She confesses, then awkwardly smiles. ‘’And now I am sort of relying on pills.’’Whizzer gasps dramatically, earning another pointed glare from Marvin and this time a kick underneath the table. She scrunches up her nose ‘’What have I told you about kicking each other?’’
‘’ Not to do it under the table?’’ Whizzer answers, sounding confused because she has never mentioned anything about kicking. She giggles and nods.
‘’Exactly’’
The fact that they accepted her, even with all her faults and flaws, was a sign that those two we’re friends she could depend upon.
-
Cordelia wakes up feeling warm, but it wasn’t because of her anxiety and dread this time. No, it was because she has woken up with arms around her and a warm body behind her. She panics, because she knows it’s late and Charlotte was going to be late.
She quickly turns over to wake her up, her mouth open to speak, when she notices that her lover's eyes were open and that she was smiling. Cordelia blinks, speechless for a second, before furrowing her brows. ‘’Aren’t you late?’’
Charlotte laughs lightly, her hands around Cordelia tightening and pulling their bodies closer. ‘’Well, good morning to you too’’ she greets.
‘’Charlie, aren’t you late?’’ She repeats. Charlotte closes her eyes.
‘’Not today, baby’’
‘’Why?’’ She stupidly asks, even though she knows the answer now and a wide smile is starting to form. She still wanted to hear it from her girlfriend.
‘’I’m staying home today’’ Charlotte whispers, and she laughs when she feels Cordelia’s arms wriggle out from under the covers and wrap around her neck, giving her a tight hug.
This time when the door closes, Cordelia grins and interlocks their fingers as they walk down the stairs together. They were on their way to a small bakery close by Mendel’s office, where their next destination was.