Work Text:
The plus side of using work as his most frequent excuse is that even after the closing of the Breach, there is so much work to be done that Hermann and Newt both often find themselves working to the point of exhaustion.
The minus to it blindsides him one weekend, when he realizes that, once they don't have that degree of work and a looming deadline, Newton will know all about it.
He can feel a froth of panic rising in his chest, like drowning, at the thought of exposing his body's mounting failures to the man who means so much to him, and who will have no trouble finding an able partner once he realizes that Hermann is a sinking ship, incapable of the intimacies that must be so vital to someone as alive as Newton is. He's seen inside the man's head, he knows his appetites.
When Newt saunters into the quiet lab and slings an arm around him, he tries to let the touch ground him rather than startle him, but when the other man leans in and whispers in his ear, Hermann can't stop himself from recoiling.
Newt pulls back, hurt, and Hermann hates himself for putting that hurt there.
"Or I could not. You looked tense, I thought maybe it would help, but we could... I mean... Do you want a cup of tea or something? Save that good time for later?" Newt backpedals, his hands up.
"Tea... tea would be lovely, thank you." He nods weakly.
"No prob. Hey, I get it... I've been kind of going through moments of panic myself. Ten years, man. Ten years and now we're wrapping everything up, time to move on... It's pretty overwhelming."
He has no idea how to explain himself, and so he lets Newton believe that it is only that that bothers him, and they share two cups of tea and a package of peanut butter crackers on their shared couch, trading tiny touches.
"I am feeling pretty caught up on sleep, man. I haven't felt this well-rested in... Ever, actually." Newt laughs. "How about you? Are you sleeping okay now that...?"
Now that it's over. Or maybe he only meant now that Newton crawls into bed with him every night. It does help. After their shared drift, being separated was hard. And as long as he could claim exhaustion, there was never any sense that he was obligated to perform-- especially not when things were very new.
But now, things are different, and Hermann doesn't want to lie outright, when Newt is asking him sweetly, out of concern.
"I sleep very well now. Thank you." He nods, and when a warm hand finds his for a squeeze, he squeezes back.
"Good." Newt smiles, and that's the end of it.
It's the end of it until that night, when Newt comes out of the bathroom to see Hermann frowning at his own reflection, in the full-length mirror in his bedroom. Hermann is naked, and Newt never gets to see Hermann naked, he is always so guarded about it. But now, Hermann stands naked in front of his mirror, and leans on his cane, and Newt thinks his chest is perfect, his arms surprisingly even, where he'd expected just the one that customarily used the cane to be built up at all.
His legs were downright skinny, lacked some of the tone of his upper body, sure, but Newt can see no real reason for Hermann to be ashamed of their appearance, and he can definitely see nothing to be ashamed of in Hermann's cock. He can see the frown, though, which speaks to the fact that Hermann sees something wrong with himself.
Hermann flushes when he sees Newt reflected behind him, and his posture goes stiff when Newt moves to hold him, chin resting on Hermann's shoulder.
"You wanna tell me what's wrong?"
"I was just..." Hermann falters, because he does not wish to lie, and even if he did, what could be believed? A muscle in his thigh jumps, its twitch visible in the mirror, and Newt's hand moves down to stroke firmly down, soothing.
"Hermann, babe, talk to me. If this is a body image thing, I am more than ready to show you how rockin' I consider this bod to be."
"It is not 'image' I am concerned with." Hermann pulls away, to sit on the edge of his bed. Their bed? They have not discussed it, and yet he feels cold at the thought of Newton not considering it as much his own. "It is functionality."
"Pain?" Newt's frown is sympathetic as he sits close by, his hand moving to rest on Hermann's thigh again, too gently to protest. "I'm pretty handy with massages, if, you know... Just tell me where and I'll get to work. I'm guessing it's mostly around here?"
"It is my inability--" Hermann cuts himself off, and he can feel in the palm of Newton's hand on his leg when the other man reacts to his distress, he can feel the little twitch of muscles and he knows he is upsetting him, and that Newton is trying not to react for his sake. He doesn't know how to say it, he doesn't know if he can. It's so much to admit to.
"Hermann..." Newt breathes, leans in to brush his lips across Hermann's shoulder. "I'm right here, okay?"
Hermann fights a sob. "Will you be? When I can't-- If I can never-- How can I ask you to be, when I--?"
"Deep breaths, buddy. Use your words." Newt's other hand rubs broad, warm circles over Hermann's back, and there is a firmer kiss to his shoulder. "I will absolutely be here, okay? Now what's bugging you?"
"I can't make love!" He spits it out, and doesn't feel any better for doing so. He curls in on himself even when it hurts to, and Newt wraps around him.
"What are you talking about? Hey... Hey. C'mere. What do you mean 'can't make love'? Is this a pain deal, because we can find a position that works, okay? Or fatigue?"
"It isn't just joints that ache and muscles that give out, or spasm, it isn't about positions. It isn't even about fatigue-- or not only about." Hermann says miserably, letting Newton pull him into his lap and settle him more comfortably. He feels it as Newton pulls a blanket over him once he is on his side, and he wishes the man was not so bloody kind. "I rarely get erections-- I mean, it-- If I do, they don't last long enough to do anything with them. On the rare occasion it's enough to bother taking care of, the oversensitivity borders on unpleasant and it's all over so quickly anyway that I-- And this is now, and it's degenerative, this is the best that I have and it isn't enough."
"Doctor Hermann Gottlieb." Newton's voice is quiet, but firm, and he stresses 'doctor' just so, and Hermann doesn't know what to think about how almost-angry he sounds. Not the kind of anger that drove their many fights in the lab, something... something disappointed. Betrayed? "You are enough for me. You are more than just enough for me. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known, okay? And I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, because I can't imagine any of the parts of your life that didn't come through the drift, and I can't know how frustrating and how painful all that is. But don't you ever think I'd leave because of that. Dude. I mean... Like, I get self-esteem issues fucking with you, but now I'm telling you, and you'd better listen, I'm staying right here."
Hermann pushes himself up so that he can look Newton in the eye, and there's a fierce love there that threatens to tip him over.
"Newton..." He throws himself into a hard hug, and if there are to be tears, at least they won't be seen.
"And fuck, dude, don't tell me you 'can't make love' like an erection is required, okay?" Newt's words are muffled against his shoulder. "I mean, I will absolutely not say no to anything you wanna do with mine, and if you ever get one that's going somewhere, I promise to do whatever's going to be, you know, most good. Like, gentle and shit, okay? And it's cool if it's just a minute, honest, you know? You just let me know, I wanna be involved. But if it almost never happens, don't fuckin' stress out about it, that's no good."
He turns to kiss Hermann's cheek, and his temple, pulls Hermann back to kiss his lips.
"But it doesn't have to be about that, okay?" He continues, once he has eye contact established again.
"O-okay." Hermann nods, unsure.
"Say it again, my man. Like you believe me. Erections not required, we can still have a love life."
"We can still have a love life." Hermann's smile is watery. Real, and there is a trace of his wryness back instead of the heavy, broken shame.
"A great one. Intimate, and sexy, and fun. We get to have that."
"I-intimate. We get to have that."
"And sexy." Newt tilts him back for another kiss, slow and warm, one that curls down into the pit of his belly and makes his veins sing.
"And that." Hermann breathes.
"Forget about getting it up, forget about coming. And for now, I don't want you to worry about me, either. I've been taking care of myself for kind of a while, it's not gonna hurt me not to have orgasm-centered sex."
"There's another kind?"
"Uh, yeah. It's called the awesome kind that you and I are gonna have, and it's gonna be all about the mental connection between us, and the emotional connection between us, and also some physical stuff. We'll figure it out, we'll find out what feels good to you, what makes you feel good. What other ways we can find of physically satisfying each other."
"Newton, it's all right if you need-- I mean, I could... with my hand, or--"
"No. No. I mean yes, later, so yes. I've had a lot of dirty thoughts about your hands in the time we've known each other. But not until we learn to de-prioritize the role of the cock in all this, like... I don't want Newt Junior getting in the way of learning how to make love with you. I want to also learn how to enjoy stuff that doesn't end with a bang, you know? Because if I'm telling you this is great and you don't have to miss the other stuff, I can't be getting handjobs like a hypocrite."
"I wouldn't mind. Your needs are going to be different from mine."
"They aren't needs." Newt kisses him again, softly. "They are definitely wants, but those wants can wait. I really want to explore other stuff with you. I'm not giving anything up, I'm just shifting my priorities and trying new things for a while. Okay?"
Hermann smiles, letting Newt lay him down on their bed. "Okay."
"Good. I'm going to kiss you in a bunch of places now and I want you to help show me where I can and can't."
Newt places Hermann's hand in his hair, and for a long while, Hermann merely holds on loosely as Newt makes a meticulous journey down his body.
The kisses are chaste and soft, Newt's lips as pleasant as ever against new places. Hermann's hold tightens when Newt reaches a nipple.
"No nips?"
"Don't call them that. And no."
"Sensitive? Un-sensitive? Just a weird Hermann thing?"
"Sensitive. Not in a positive manner."
"Okay." Newt nods, and then he moves on, kissing his way up the side of Hermann's chest and then down his ribs.
Hermann's stomach clenches a little under his attentions, and he pauses again to lift his head.
"This a no?"
"No, no... it's quite pleasant. It only tickles a little."
"Cool." He smiles, kissing on in spite of little twitches as he spirals in towards Hermann's navel. He does not place a kiss directly over it, when Hermann seems on the verge of being too sensitive, but he lets himself come close before moving down.
"N-not..." Hermann starts, his voice shaking, and Newt freezes immediately.
"Not where? I can avoid the whole genital area, how wide a margin do you need? I was hoping to get to focus on your hips, but..."
"That's all right, just... No legs?"
Newt sighs and kisses the flat of Hermann's belly again. "Not this time. Someday?"
Hermann thinks it over, then nods. "Someday. But not today."
"Not today." He promises, and Hermann massages at his scalp while he explores one iliac crest.
"You can." Hermann whispers, when Newt has finished both hips.
"Can...?"
"You can..." He swallows hard, clearly struggling. "You can kiss my... penis. Just don't expect anything!"
"All I expect is to have your skin under my lips, which is pretty great. Just one kiss, I don't expect a big production. It's really cool that you trust me to after everything you shared, okay?"
Hermann nods, and his fingers are tight in Newt's hair. He holds his breath, not sure what it is he is so afraid of after all he's already admitted.
The world does not end, of course. All that happens is what Newton had told him. One kiss, as soft and brief as all the others, touching the top of his penis, near the root.
Newt can feel the slight twitch of a reaction-- nothing visible, nothing remotely leading to erect, but Hermann's body acknowledges his touch, and it's enough.
"How was that?" Newt asks, coming up to gather Hermann into his arms.
"G-good." Hermann is only too glad to be able to cuddle into Newt's chest, shaking from so much intimacy. He hasn't been with anyone sexually since the cane, and his experience before was negligible. It involved penetrative sex, and yet this seems more intimate by far.
"Shh, shh... Overwhelming?"
"A little."
"Too sensitive?"
"No, no... Not for that. I just... there's... been walls around me, and you... You are a category five Geiszler." He smiles, pressing his lips to Newt's collarbone.
Newt laughs, rubbing Hermann's back until the shaking stops.
"I can't do that for you."
"Hermann, Herm, babe, you... You do. You do everything for me. It's not about, like, reciprocating the same things on each other, okay? It's about doing something together. Like you letting me in. Like me getting to kiss you. Are you comfortable?"
Hermann nods. Lying half atop Newt means he can arrange his leg comfortably, somewhat propped against the other man, and Newt is soft in all the right places.
"Good. Another time we can work something out if your lips want to get further acquainted with all this-- and I can't blame them if they do. Another time. Like, you can sit on the bed and I can stand between your knees and lean over a little, and you'd have pretty good access to a lot of me? Right now, we just had a really successful connection, though. I mean, I'm satisfied."
"You are?"
"Dude. Yeah. I saw you naked, there was kissing, I learned about how to touch my boyfriend... I had a real good time exploring you."
"Then I am satisfied as well." Hermann sighs. "It was overwhelming... and there were moments I did not know if that was a good thing. But it was a good thing, it was... Thank you."
"Yeah?"
"For 'showing me a good time', as I believe you put it in the lab. And... for knocking a little sense into me, when..."
"When you gave into your doom-and-gloom?"
Hermann snorts, and Newt pulls a blanket over them both.
"It's what I'm here for, Hermann. It's what I'll always be here for."