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Will was cold and antsy. He had been waiting for what felt like forever. But he stood his ground. He set out the bait like his father had. The gun felt wrong in his hands. But this was necessary. He wanted to show his dad that he could do it.
Lonnie’s words echoed in Will’s head, “I can’t believe I got not one but two faggot sons.”
The words had cut deep. He had been ashamed, coming back from the hunting trip empty handed. His mom had been so mad when she found out that Lonnie had taking him hunting and they got in a huge fight. On Jonathan’s 10th birthday he had come home crying. It was his father’s right of passage. It was what it meant to be a man.
But that day Will hadn’t been able to do it. His fingers had trembled on the trigger and he watched the rabbit come into the shot and go. Lonnie shook his head, disgusted.
“Not this time,” Will thought. He had to prove it to his father. He was a man. He could do this.
He heard a rustle in the leaves and froze. He watched as a rabbit came up to the bait. It was in his sight. He could hear his heart beating in his ears. His fingers trembled. It was now or never. Be a man or a sissy.
He pulled the trigger. The gun pushed back into his shoulder and he shut his eyes. Then there was a bloodcurdling scream. He opened them and looked to see the bunny frantically trying to get away. But he had shot its legs. And it was making a horrifying scream. He didn’t know they made sounds.
He put his gun down and stood up, his hands over his ears. What had he done? What was he supposed to do? It wasn’t dead. It was in pain, screaming for its life.
He backed away and his feet carried him through the woods, back towards the house, as he tried desperately to outrun the sound. Tears blurred his vision. What had he done?
“Jonathan,” he wailed. He sounded like a baby but he didn’t care. He was no man. He was a monster and a coward.
Jonathan ran out the house, panicking. “What’s wrong?!” He was over to Will in two strides and held his shoulders. “Are you okay? What happened?”
Will couldn’t speak, sobbing while still trying to catch his breath from running.
Jonathan bent down on his knees. “Are you hurt?”
Will shook his head, “I- I-” He tried to say, ‘I shot it.’ But instead, it came out as, “I did it. It’s,” he sobbed, “It’s all my fault!”
Jonathan immediately pulled his brother in. “It’s okay, Will. It’s okay. We’ll fix it.” He had no idea what it was, but he would make everything alright.
“You can’t!” His brother didn’t understand. “It’s dying! And it’s my fault!”
Suddenly, Jonathan knew. He remembered the feeling. That horror of realizing the violence he was capable of. The lifeless body of the rabbit on that hunting trip those years ago.
“You said it’s still alive, right? Maybe we can fix it. Show me. We’ll take care of it. Everything will be okay, Will. I promise.” He smoothed his brother’s hair, matted with leaves and wet with tears and sweat.
Will collected himself, returning his breathing to normal, and did his best to wipe away the tears. He walked back to the clearing. As they got closer, Jonathan could hear the poor creature’s cries. It was bringing him back to that moment. He tried to push it all down. But it was like he could feel his father’s hand on his shoulder again, egging him on, pushing him.
“Close your eyes, Will.” He said as they got closer. He held Will’s shaking hand and looked over at the rabbit, that was convulsing and screaming. The whole back half was-
He pulled Will back and doubled over, feeling sick with the sight and memory of his own kill. He steadied himself. Will looked at his brother and knew.
“We can’t save him, can we?” His eyes were red and he was trying to keep a stiff lip but it trembled.
Jonathan shook his head. He walked back to where he saw the gun. He had promised after that day to never hurt a living creature again. He hesitated, then picked it up.
“We... we can’t let it suffer, Will.”
Will watched his brother pick up the gun and walk over to the bunny. All he could think was, ‘This is all my fault.’
Jonathan’s fingers trembled as he held the gun and pointed it at the rabbit. He could hear Lonnie’s voice, ‘Way to go, Jonny boy! You got him in one shot!”
He remembered how disgusting he felt afterwards. Like there was blood on his hands that he couldn’t wash off. The rare praise from his father wore off when Jonathan couldn’t stop crying. And he became a pansy once again in his father’s eyes. That momentary acceptance had cost the rabbit it’s life. Everything changed for Jonathan in that moment. He stopped trying to get his father’s approval. He had realized his father’s love was conditional and he didn’t want it anymore.
Jonathan had to save Will from this. He just had to shoot this creature, put it out of its misery. But he felt tears on his face. They couldn’t leave it. So, he had to do this. He was the man of the house. He had to protect his little brother.
Will saw the tears and watched Jonathan shaking. He remembered how his brother had looked on that day and he could see it all come back. “Jonathan! Don’t do it.”
Hearing Will’s voice broke him. He tried to hold back a sob and lowered the gun. He couldn’t look at his little brother. He heard the leaves crunching as Will approached. He didn’t move. He felt Will’s small hands on top of his easing the handle from his grip.
Jonathan looked at Will. “I can do this, Will. I just need a minute.”
Will shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn’t want his brother suffering because of him. This was his own fault. If he was willing to pull the trigger, he had to face the consequences. But he couldn’t say that. Jonathan would try to protect him, to shield him.
“I don’t want to see you shoot it.” He gently lifted the rifle from his brother’s hands. “This is something I need to fix.”
He held the gun and watched the poor creature struggle. And he felt himself losing his nerve. Then, he felt Jonathan’s hand on his shoulder. He steadied him. It was a burden they were shouldering together, a pain they had both shared.
He looked into the rabbit’s frail body that was slowing down in its thrashing. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I promise... I promise I’ll be better.” He pulled the trigger. There was a thunderous crack that echoed and a sudden quiet. Will trembled. Jonathan took the gun out of his brother’s hands and set it aside. He wrapped Will in a cradling embrace.
Will’s cries were quieter. They weren’t heard so much as felt. The shaking breaths, the tears soaking Jonathan’s shirt.
Jonathan wished he could’ve spared his brother all this. He hated the hold Lonnie still had on them both. He knew the feelings and thoughts that would follow this. And he swore he would help Will combat them all. He wouldn’t let him face them alone.
Will’s arms were wrapped around Jonathan’s neck and he nestled into his shoulders like he used to when he was little. Jonathan’s hands suddenly seemed to steady his shaking breaths. This is what being a man should be, he thought. The kind of person who won’t hurt the vulnerable. The kind who will hold you until you stop crying and walk with you into the woods when you’re scared. He hoped that when he grew up, that he would be anything like his brother.