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Buck’s heart hammers mercilessly against his chest. He has been searching for hours. Hours that have somehow dragged on for days and yet he still hasn’t been able to find him. Christopher is lost in the world somewhere, and it’s Buck’s fault. It was his responsibility to take care of Christopher, to keep him safe. His stomach lurches at the thought, at the realization that this is all his fault.
He reaches a tent and approaches the woman working there, looking down at her clipboard. “I’m looking for a boy, Christopher… Christopher Diaz, he’s 8 years old. He has brown hair. Is -is he on your list?” Buck asks, his voice breaking.
“I’m sorry, he’s not here,” She pauses for a moment before she continues, “you might wanna try the black tent.” Buck feels his heart drop into his stomach at the suggestion.
“Isn’t that-” He starts, the woman taking mercy on him and finishing.
“The morgue.”
Buck lets out a sharp breath, feeling the world come to a halt around him. How has it come to this? How is he even entertaining the thought that Christopher would be at this makeshift morgue? Buck is painfully aware of how many people floated past him in the water, a harsh reality that Buck had tried to shield Christopher from.
And now, Eddie is never going to forgive him. He is going to kill Buck when he has the chance. And Buck can’t blame him, either. He dropped Christopher off with Buck for one day, and he lost him. Who knows where he could be, who he could be with or -
If he is even still alive.
He chokes down a sob at the thought. What is he going to do?
The panic swells in him again and he swallows hard. “Can I… use your phone real quick?” He asks a stranger, who offers their phone to him.
“Thanks,” he manages, punching in Maddie’s number blindly, his hands shaking. “Uh… Maddie, it’s Buck. I need your help.”
“Where are you? I don’t know this number,” he hears her say.
“I borrowed someone else’s phone,” Buck says dismissively, then continues, his words rushed. “I need your help.”
“Okay, tell me what’s wrong. Are you hurt?” The concern in Maddie’s voice is palpable.
“Eddie dropped Christopher off with me. He thought doing some activities with him would get me out of my apartment,” Buck pauses, closing his eyes for a moment as the fear rattles in his chest, “out of my head. Maddie, I brought him to the pier.”
“Oh my God, you were there?”
Buck ignores her words, continuing on. “And… and I had him, Mads, I had him. I kept him safe. We were, uh, we were on top of the ladder truck, and then the water receded.”
Maddie interrupts him, “Okay, you’re not answering me. Are you injured, bleeding?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Buck says, emphasizing each syllable, his hands beginning to shake. “Don’t-don’t you hear what I’m saying? Christopher is gone. I’ve checked at the Promenade, at the high school…”
“What about the command center on Sawtelle?” Maddie asks gently.
“I’m here now, and he…” Buck stops abruptly, seeing Eddie in the distance working just outside of the command center. He isn’t ready for this. He can’t do this. “Oh God, oh God… no, no, no…” he rattles off.
“What?”
Buck’s voice sounds completely distraught, like the world around him is breaking apart and crashing into the ground. “Eddie’s here.”
“Does he know what happened?” Silence. “Evan, you have to tell him.”
“How? How do you tell your best friend that you lost his son?” Buck asks, his voice a raw whisper.
“No, he’s his father. Okay? You have to tell Eddie that Christopher is missing,” Maddie reasons. Logically Buck knows that he can’t withhold this kind of information from Eddie, but he can already see the wrecked expression on Eddie’s face when he tells him and he’s sure that he won’t survive it.
“No, Maddie. I need to keep looking for him. I need to find him,” Buck says ardently.
“Look, you are in no condition to be looking for Christopher by yourself. I’m coming down there.”
“Maddie, Maddie…” Buck hisses out in argument but the line is already dead.
Eddie sees him, and Buck’s breath catches as Eddie’s concerned eyes take him in. “Buck, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” he hesitates as he realizes that Buck is alone. “Wait, where is Christopher?”
He can’t do this. He can’t rip out Eddie’s heart right now and tell him the truth. Buck’s mind is racing and he doesn’t know how he can possibly put into words what he and Christopher have endured today, how completely Buck has failed Christopher. But Eddie has to know, he has to understand that Buck has been fighting all day to get him back.
“Eddie…”
“Why do you have his glasses?”
“We, uh, me and Christopher we were at the beach.” Buck starts, barely able to speak, knowing he is about to shatter his best friend and break his heart into a million pieces. “And um, listen to me, okay? I swear to you. I tried…. Eddie, I don’t know how to say it, um, he just vanished.” Buck needs him to hear what he’s saying. He needs him to understand that he didn’t give up, that he’s not giving up on him.
“Wha-what do you mean he vanished? Where is Christopher now?” Eddie chokes out.
Buck reaches out to grab the tent to balance himself. “I-I don’t know, Eds. I’m not going to stop looking. We will find him.” Buck feels the walls closing in around him now, the anxiety that has been swelling in his chest all day threatens to suffocate him and he gasps for air.
“You lost him?” Eddie takes a step back, the tears that have been welling in his eyes finally breaking loose. “I trusted him with you for one day, and you lost him?”
“I-I…”
Bobby steps over to them. “Are you guys okay over here?”
“No, we’re not okay,” Eddie says sharply, his eyes never moving from Buck’s face.
“Buck, we need to get you looked at. Come on,” Bobby urges.
“I’m not going inside. I’m going to find Christopher,” Buck chokes out, and even as he looks away all he can see is the shattered look on Eddie’s face. Buck is sure he’ll never be able to erase the imprint of Eddie’s pained face from his memory, it will forever be ingrained there. The look of grief, of panic, of betrayal.
All because Buck failed Eddie, failed Christopher.
“You’re in no condition to be walking around.”
“No,” Buck says firmly.
“You’ve done enough today, Evan,” Eddie says curtly. “You should get yourself checked out before you pass out somewhere. Cap, I’ve gotta go.”
There’s a small piece of Buck that at least feels thankful that Eddie is worried about him. At the same time, Buck feels so disconnected from Eddie, and it’s clear that Eddie doesn’t want Buck’s help and rightfully so.
Buck pushes down his feelings and the fact that he wants to reel back from Eddie’s words. “E-Eddie! Please let me come with you.”
Chim looks at Bobby as Eddie begins to stalk away, completely broken apart over Christopher’s disappearance. “Bobby, I’m gonna…”
“Go with him,” He instructs. Buck is trying to step around Bobby and he feels his legs give out. “We’ve got you, Buck.” Hen is at their side in an instant.
“Bobby, you don’t understand,” Buck pleads, his throat raw from screaming for Christopher as he searched the streets which are now flooded with the aftermath of the tsunami. “I have to go out there, I have to find Christopher!”
Bobby rests a hand on Buck’s shoulder, trying to do whatever he can to bring Buck back to reality, back to the fact that he is going to be more of a liability than help if he goes back out there. “I understand that you’re worried and want to find Christopher. But we need to make sure you’re okay. If they clear you we’ll get back out there to find Chris. Until then, Chim is with Eddie and he’ll-” Buck doesn’t hear what he says next, mentally shutting down as the world around him blurs.
Buck blinks his eyes open and winces as he tries to swallow, his throat sore. It takes him a minute to register his surroundings, and he realizes that he is at the command center. For a minute he thought all of this had been a terrible nightmare, something his mind concocted as a worst-case scenario that could never actually happen. “Ch-Christopher?” Buck forces the name out, his voice breaking.
Bobby turns to him, a serious expression on his face. “We’re still looking for him.”
“If he’s still out there, what are you doing here? We need to be out there finding him. ” Buck moves to stand up and winces in pain.
“Buck, Maddie’s here. She’s going to take you home so you can get some rest, regain some strength. You can come back tomorrow and help us look for Christopher, or maybe we’ll find him and you won’t need to come back down.” The tone of Bobby’s voice is familiar, he’s using his captain’s voice. Bobby is concerned and he knows that handing out orders makes it easier for him. However, Buck wasn’t out in the tsunami responding as a firefighter and injured himself on duty. This is Buck responding as a victim to the violent waves, with a need to find one of the most important people in his life.
“Absolutely not. He needs me out there, he-he needs me-”
“He needs you to get stronger so you don’t collapse out there looking for him, making everyone focus on taking care of you and take away from searching for him,” Bobby reasons.
Buck shudders out a breath and tries to ignore Bobby’s words. “Have you heard from Eddie or Chim?”
“They’ve been checking in,” Bobby tells him after a minute. “No news yet.” Buck’s heart drops, but he nods his head anyway. He knows that Bobby is just trying to help, that he just wants Buck to be okay and that is why he wants him to go home and rest. But there is no way that he is going to go home and rest while Christopher is out there all by himself.
“I’m going back out there. I don’t have my phone, but uh, I’ll get ahold of you guys if I find anything.”
“You’re not going out there by yourself, Buck, it’s too risky.”
Buck feels something break inside his chest as a choked sob breaks free. “It’s too risky? Christopher is out there by himself. I can take care of myself, Christopher can’t .” It’s a very real possibility that Eddie is never going to talk to him again after today. Why would he? Eddie was just trying to help Buck through whatever depression or self-pity that’s been festering, he trusted Buck to spend the day with his kid, take him to a movie or to the arcade to get his mind off of things for the day.
Instead, Buck took him to the pier and lost his kid in a fucking tsunami. He could be anywhere. Buck’s eyes are heavy-lidded with exhaustion, refusing to stop moving, his mind or his body. “You’re not going out there alone,” Bobby says.
Buck shrugs, “I’m going out there.”
“Give me a minute. We’ll go together,” Bobby finally sighs with resignation. “We’re switching off with another crew, and we can focus on looking for Chris. You need to tell your sister what’s going on.”
Bobby steps away from him, talking with the Captain of the replacement crew. Buck knows Bobby isn’t happy with him right now, and honestly, he doesn’t care. The more people that are out there looking for Christopher, the better. The sooner that they get out there the better their chances of finding him.
“Alright, let’s go, kid,” Bobby holds out a water bottle to him and a couple of granola bars. “You need to eat and drink so that you don’t pass out. I’ve got a few other things in my bag. But let’s go look for Chris, alright?”
Buck nods, grateful to have Bobby at his side. If there was ever someone that Buck wanted by his side in a crisis, it was Bobby.
Christopher has been missing for two days. Eddie has been avoiding his phone calls and Buck doesn’t know what else he can do. He spends his days limping around the city trying to find Chris. He keeps checking the hospitals, the checkpoints, the morgue and he’s found nothing, not even a hint or a lead.
He walks the streets, usually with Bobby or Maddie by his side. They have been taking turns ‘babysitting’ Buck, insisting that he isn’t well enough to be out there by himself. He takes things hour by disappointing hour. He’s spent the last three hours walking around the city with Maddie, trudging through the standing water on exhausted legs. Over the past forty-eight hours anytime that Maddie or Bobby tried talking to him about what happened before Christopher vanished, he drowns them out.
“I know you’re trying to find Christopher,” Maddie starts as they continue along the battered streets, “but I really think you need to talk about what happened.”
Buck shakes his head, eyes sweeping the streets for any hint of familiarity, searching for Christopher’s striped shirt, or a body his size. “There’s nothing to talk about. We all know what matters, Mads. I had Christopher and I lost him. Those are the only facts that matter right now.”
Maddie sighs. It’s not the first time that they’ve had this conversation, and with how insistent his sister has been through all of this, he’s certain that it won’t be the last either. “Maybe you should try talking to Eddie again.”
“Maddie,” Buck glances over at her, “I’ve tried and he doesn’t want to hear from me.”
Maddie purses her lips together tightly, pressing them into a flat line. “Well, he’s wrong, Evan. Pushing you further away isn’t going to do anything to find Christopher, either.”
“He has a right to be upset. It’s not like I lost something I borrowed from him, Mads, I lost his son. And less than six months after they lost Shannon.” Bringing up Shannon hurts, he remembers the anguish on Eddie’s face when they’d arrived on the scene, her body splayed out unnaturally on the pavement. How much more could Eddie handle? “I’m glad he has… everyone else.”
“He does, to a point.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Maddie stops, placing a hand on Buck’s arm. “It means they’re not you, Evan. You’re Eddie’s best friend, practically family. He needs you right now, more than he needs anyone else.”
“I-” Buck opens his mouth helplessly, “I have tried calling him, and calling him. And texting him.”
She gently squeezes his arm then, “How many times have you tried stopping at his house?”
“I can’t just show up unexpectedly and force my way into his life,” Buck says, feeling tears spill down his cheeks. “I don’t deserve that.”
The unspoken words settled in the air around them, they deserve better.
Buck’s phone rings, and every time it does he finds himself wishing that it’s Christopher, or even Eddie. He doesn’t recognize the number, and his forehead creases as he answers. “Hello?”
“At least you answer the phone, more than I can say for my nieto.”
Buck turns away from the online forum on his laptop, the Facebook group for people missing and found from the tsunami is utterly daunting from the sheer volume of posts. That hasn’t stopped Buck, though. He posts daily, searches through them for any chance that he might find Christopher, late into the night. He gets up early each morning and continues searching the city on foot, tries not to give up hope. “Isabel?”
“Yes, Buck,” she answers patiently, but there is something else he hears clearly in her voice, worry.
“How-how are you? I mean-” Buck sputters out the words, such a stupid question. Her great-grandson is missing, he obviously knows how she is. “How is Eddie?”
Isabel is silent for a beat, then, “I’m worried. I’m worried because we haven’t heard anything from Christopher, and I’m terrified because Eddie has shut everyone out.”
Buck swallows down the wave of nausea, cradling his head in his hands. “Even you?”
“I haven’t seen him since he first told me, he won’t answer the door or my calls.”
“I’m so sorry,” Buck mumbles and rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “I’ll call Bobby, see if he can stop over and check on Eddie, ask if he’s been able to get a hold of him. I know Chimney has gone out with him a few times, trying to find Christopher.”
“Don’t ask Bobby to stop over to check on him,” Isabel instructs in the no-nonsense tone that only she can manage. “He needs you, Buck.”
“Uh,” Buck feels the anxiety in his chest, like a vice grip on his heart, “I don’t know how much Eddie told you, but this…. Christopher missing, it’s all my fault.” Buck doesn’t know what he wants to say, doesn’t know how to apologize to Isabel for losing her great-grandson, doesn’t know how he is going to breathe past this moment in time.
“Edmundo told me what happened... or a version of what he thinks happened.” Isabel is completely silent, then says, “I may not have been there and either was Eddie, but I’ll tell you the same thing that I told him… there are very few people in this world that love Christopher the way that you do, Buck. I wasn’t there so I don’t know the… the specifics of what happened. I know that you would do anything for Christopher, and if there is anyone who is as scared as we are right now, it’s you.”
A noise slips past Buck’s lips, and for a second Buck doesn’t realize that the startling sound is coming from him. His fingers slip up to his face and feel wet when he moves them from his cheek. “I-I love Christopher, so much. I haven’t stopped looking for him. I-I didn’t stop looking for him.”
“I know,” Buck hears the tremble in her voice. “I need you to promise me you won’t give up on Christopher,” she adds, “or on Eddie.”
They don’t talk much longer after that. She’s made it clear that she needs Buck to check on Eddie, and Buck is terrified of what’s going to happen when he does.
He tries calling first, hoping that he just picks up the phone. Eddie doesn’t, the phone goes straight to voicemail. That’s how Buck finds himself pulling into the other man’s driveway at nearly nine in the evening, parking behind Eddie’s truck. Buck only allows himself to hesitate for a few breaths, then he’s knocking on the door.
He feels like such a dick just showing up at his door like this. He knocks again when there’s no answer, then tries the doorknob and finds it unlocked. He hesitates, opening the door a few inches as he calls inside, “Eddie?” There’s no answer. With a sigh, he steps inside. “Eddie?” he calls again as he steps further into the house. “I know you probably don’t want to see my face… now or ever. Isabel said she couldn’t get a hold of you,” he explains his presence as he pokes further inside.
He finds Eddie in a heap on the couch, and Buck is nauseated by the sight. There are empty beer bottles littered on the floor, pictures of Christopher scattered on the couch. “Eds…”
This was his doing. Buck feels his legs nearly Buckle as he looks at his shattered best friend, his eyes clearly bloodshot, though he isn’t sure if it’s from crying or from the eleven bottles of beer on the ground.
“Well,” Eddie croaks, “you can tell her you stopped by.”
“I-” Buck stops because he has no idea what to say or do. He did this, that’s all he keeps thinking. How wrong is it of him to show up here like this, to judge how Eddie is coping? If it weren’t for him then Eddie wouldn’t be in this state to begin with. “You’re not in this alone.”
A laugh slips past Eddie’s lips, and Buck swears he can feel the temperature in the house drop by ten degrees. “And, what, I’ve got you?”
Buck lowers his eyes, unable to look at Eddie at that moment. “Always.”
“The same way that Christopher always has you?” he asks.
Buck refuses to cry, he will not make this about himself. “You have every right to hate me, Eddie. For a few days or a few weeks, or forever if that’s what you need. I know how badly I fucked this up, but if you’re not going to let me in then you need to let someone else in. You can’t just… drink yourself into oblivion. You can’t just give up on Christopher.”
Eddie stumbles up from the couch, and Buck feels an angry finger jabbing into his chest. “You don’t get to tell me what I get to have, though I can see how you’d get confused since you took away my son.”
Buck holds back his tears, refuses to let Eddie watch him fall apart. “Eddie…” he watches Eddie stumble forward again as he jabs his finger back into Buck’s chest. Buck has to grab him, holding him upright by his arms and he feels Eddie shaking below his fingers. “Woah, woah…”
He wants to drag Eddie into his arms, wants to whisper to him that it’s going to be okay. He wants to promise Eddie that he’s not going to give up on Christopher. Buck knows that he’s been missing for four days now and statistically the chances of him being found alive are dwindling. He tries to focus on the feeling down deep, the one that is telling him that Christopher is strong and resourceful, and fuck if that kid isn’t determined when he wants something.
If there is anyone that can stare down a natural disaster and kick its ass, it’s Christopher.
Buck feels Eddie still trembling beneath his fingers. “Eddie, let’s-” Buck doesn’t get to finish, Eddie is stumbling from the room, and he hears the bathroom door close shut before the sound of retching starts. Buck hesitates, he wants to be there for his best friend but Eddie’s made it clear that he doesn’t want or need Buck anymore. He dismisses the feeling that courses through him when he thinks about that and instead walks to the bathroom. He pauses at the door before he gently pushes it open.
Buck turns on the water, wetting a washcloth for Eddie. Buck considers crouching down and rubbing Eddie’s back but forces himself to step back into the doorway instead. “I’ll… be in the other room if you need me,” he whispers before he steps out of the room. He busies himself with collecting the scattered beer bottles from the floor in the living room and brings them into the kitchen, which is completely trashed.
He doesn’t mind the mess, he’s had roommates that were total slobs before and it didn’t really bother him. It’s the fact that this isn’t Eddie or the way that he keeps his home. He keeps his place tidy, makes sure Christopher’s things are cleaned up, the dishes are always done… it’s the contrast to Eddie’s day to day that strikes Buck the most. So he spends a bit of time doing the dishes, he cleans what he can only assume is yesterday’s dinner from the crusty pan on the stove.
When Buck feels like it’s been a bit too long, he walks back to the bathroom. Eddie is sitting there with his back pressed into the wall, his knees tucked up toward his chest, little puffs of air slipping past his lips as hot tears spill down his cheeks. Buck looks down at him and slides down the wall, sitting beside him. He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, just sits with him.
“He’s never coming home, is he?” Aside from their exchange when Buck first arrived today, these are the first words that Eddie has said to Buck since he learned that Christopher was missing. Buck sucks in a breath, turning his head slightly to look at Eddie.
“You can’t think that way, Eddie.”
“The chances of a kid who has to get around on crutches coming home four days after disappearing into a fucking tsunami are slim to none.” Buck just looks at Eddie, watches as a wave of emotion crashes into him and he sobs. Buck hesitates because he hates this, he hates seeing Eddie this way; he hates that if he had just been more careful and let those people float by and fend for themselves, then Christopher would be with them right now. Eddie wouldn’t be falling apart beside him.
Buck wouldn’t hate himself.
Or maybe he would, but for an entirely different reason, maybe a reason that he could live with. Buck places a gentle hand on top of Eddie’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “Christopher is a fighter, just like his dad.”
“It’s-it’s going to be like Shannon all over again. Only this time I’ll really be alone.”
“Eddie,” Buck’s voice is sterner than he intends and he looks at Eddie, eyes glistening with tears. “You cannot think like that. How many times has Christopher surprised you with the amazing things that he can do? How many times has he obliterated all of those expectations that the world has for him?” His voice is more strained now, but he pushes forward. “You need to be as strong as Christopher right now, and you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t give up… how would he feel if he knew you’d given up on him?”
Eddie’s body shakes as he sobs beside Buck, and Buck uses the hand resting on Eddie’s shoulder to draw him closer. Buck’s shoulder absorbs most of Eddie’s tears until he finally pulls away, finds Buck’s gaze looking absolutely wrecked. “You’re right,” he rasps, “he would never give up if it were you or me. He would never stop fighting.”
Buck nods, tears slipping down his cheeks. “I know it’s scary and I’m really sorry, man. It’s all my fault that he’s out there right now. If I had just… if I had just focused on Christopher and didn’t worry about everyone else, then he’d be here.”
“Buck, you would never intentionally put Chris in danger and… and I know that. I do. I just needed to be able to blame someone for this.”
“You put the blame in the right place, okay?” Buck gently squeezes Eddie’s shoulder, moving to stand up. “Why don’t you, uh, get cleaned up alright?” Buck slips out of the bathroom before Eddie can respond, and he walks back out to the other room, busies himself with cleaning up.
“Buck, you don’t have to clean this up.”
“It’s really no problem,” Buck tells him, finally looking up. “Look, I just wanted to stop and check on you but it’s late, so I’m gonna go. If you need anything let me know, or Isabel, or Bobby - just, don’t get stuck inside your own head like that again, okay?”
“The same could be said for you,” Eddie says finally, eyes settling on Buck and seeing through the chink in Buck’s armor, as though seeing what this was doing to Buck for the first time. “You didn’t do this to Christopher...”
Buck pretends Eddie hasn’t said anything. “I’ll see you around, okay?”
“I don’t want you to go,” Eddie says finally. “You said if I need anything to let you know… I need my best friend more than anything else right now, okay man? Please stay.”
Buck sighs, because how can he say no to that? After everything, Eddie is asking for Buck to stay with him, instead of leaving him in his all too empty house. Buck lets his keys fall from his hand and onto the table. “Alright, if you’re sure that’s what you want.”
So they walk back to the couch and they sit next to each other. Most of the time they just sit together silently, both thinking too loudly about how Christopher is missing, and how they have no control over the situation. They both know that there is very little that they can do that is going to change the outcome. Eventually, Buck pulls out his cell phone and brings up the Facebook page.
“There’s this group, for people that are looking for loved ones that they lost contact with during the tsunami… and people who are reaching out, saying they’ve found someone. It’s to reunite people with their families again.” Buck pauses and bites down on his lip before he looks over at Eddie. “When it gets too late to be walking around the city, I’ve been checking out the group just in case, you know, someone has a lead on Chris. I’ve been posting a few times a day.”
“What’s this?” Buck shows Eddie, and they skim through the posts checking to see if there is anyone talking about finding a kid Christopher’s age, fitting Christopher’s description. Buck shows Eddie his most recent post, with a picture of Chris, and Eddie’s contact information. “You haven’t stopped searching for him at all. Even after… even after I accused you of those terrible things.” Eddie leans his head back against the back of the couch, closing his eyes.
“Chris wouldn’t give up on us, so we can’t give up on him either. Whatever it takes.” Buck says, running a hand tiredly over his face. The result is the same as it’s been the last four days, and Buck just wishes that they could get some sort of lead.
There’s a part of Buck that wishes he hadn’t said anything to Eddie about the Facebook page. Every single time that Eddie’s phone vibrates or rings, he practically jumps out of his skin. He rushes for his phone like his life depends on it, and Buck wonders if he’s only made things worse for Eddie.
It’s been six days, and there hasn’t been a single lead on Christopher. Nobody that has recognized him as they walk the streets and visit memorials, no pings on the Facebook group. It’s truly like he just vanished, like he was never there to begin with and Buck’s resolve to remain hopeful and not give up on Christopher is fraying. Eddie has taken a leave of absence from work so that he is able to devote his time to searching for Christopher, not that he’d be able to focus on work right now anyway.
Now that Eddie and Buck are talking again, they are together most of the time: searching, hoping. Although Eddie has been out of work since the disappearance, Buck has been taking Eddie down to the firehouse to try to get him out of his own head.
On the days that the crew doesn’t have a shift, they’ve been helping with the search efforts wherever possible.
“Athena have any leads?” Buck asks when they’re out of Eddie’s earshot, Hen and Chim attempting to strong-arm Eddie into playing a video game.
Bobby shakes his head a little. “How have you been holding up?”
“I’m fine. Just worried about Christopher.” There is a silence as Buck stands with Bobby in the kitchen, fixing himself a cup of coffee, “and Eddie.”
“I know you are, and I’m really glad that you’re there for Eddie.” Bobby looks at Buck with such a paternal gaze that Buck nearly rolls his eyes.
“I feel a ‘but’ coming on right now.”
“But,” Bobby places a hand on Buck’s shoulder, “I feel like you are focusing on what Eddie is going through right now and not dealing with what you are going through.”
“Eddie’s son is missing, Cap,” Buck says dumbly.
“I know, and you just got tossed around in a natural disaster like you were a ragdoll and you barely survived it. I know you want to find Chris, I know that you love him and I know that it matters. I’m just worried that you’re not taking care of yourself right now, and I worry about you.”
“I am fine, you don’t have to worry about me.” Buck knows for the way that he looks, with cuts on his face that are still healing, the uneven gait to his walk that it’s a hard sell. He needs people to not focus on his healing process because, really, he won’t be able to ever heal from the tsunami if Christopher isn’t returned to them safely. Every resource, every ounce of concern and worry needs to be for Christopher and Eddie.
Bobby looks like he wants to argue, but instead, he just brings his cup of coffee to his lips and takes a slow sip. “There’s somewhere I want to take you boys.”
That’s how Eddie and Buck find themselves sitting in a pew at Bobby’s church after Bobby’s shift ends. Buck is feeling awkwardly out of place, and he shifts uncomfortably more times than he cares to admit. “We’re all working really hard to find Christopher,” Bobby says, “searching during the day, calling around at the hospitals, shelters and command centers… I know you’re both really scared.”
“Not being in control, knowing that if I walk down the hallway and open his door that he isn’t gonna be there… that’s the hardest,” Eddie whispers. “He could be out there anywhere right now, scared out of his mind. And who is there to make sure that he is okay?”
“There are only so many things that we can control. This isn’t one of them, as much as we want it to be. Sometimes there are things that happen that are completely outside of our control, and those are the times that I come here.”
“And what, give it to God?” Buck asks sharply. “I would rather be out there doing something.”
Bobby smiles, and Buck looks at him like he’s lost his mind. “We’re going to do a little of both. I’m going to pray, and then we’re going to do something.” They sit there in silence for a few minutes, Bobby bows his head in prayer and to Buck’s surprise, so does Eddie. He swallows hard, not wanting to interrupt them but not completely sure what to do with himself.
A couple of minutes later Bobby asks them if they’re ready to go and they follow Bobby downstairs to the church basement. To their surprise, it is bustling with people, close to thirty. “Uh, so what’s this?” Buck asks, glancing between Bobby and the congregation of people.
“I talked to Father on Sunday and I explained to him about what happened with the tsunami, about Christopher. The church has been helping with recovery and clean-up efforts since it happened. We passed out these to the parishioners,” Bobby explains as he hands a paper to Eddie and Buck. It has a photo of Christopher, his name and all of Eddie’s contact information as well as information for the police department and the one-eighteen at the bottom. “They’ve been handing them out at all the bible studies, and all of them,” Bobby motions to the other people in the room, “have extras, and we’re going to all go out and just keep trying.”
Bobby goes on to explain that they’ll be walking around and looking for Christopher, that the flyers might help, for people to have a visual aid to trigger a memory. There are also a few parishioners from the church that Bobby explains have connections with the command centers, hospitals, and shelters and will keep checking in and let them know if they come up with anything.
It’s not much, it’s not a promise that they are going to find Christopher, but it’s enough for them to still cling to hope.
Buck has been laying in bed awake for hours. Every time that he closes his eyes, he sees Christopher’s face, and then he’s disappearing under the tide. He hasn’t been able to sleep more than a couple of hours each night and if it’s possible, he’s feeling even more tired when he wakes up. After eight days of not being able to sleep, the exhaustion seems to have spread throughout his limbs.
His phone vibrates beside him. Buck doesn’t have any idea what time it is or what day it even is anymore, they’ve turned into an endless stream of phone calls and disappointment.
Bobby pulled him aside the other day, letting him know that when he feels ready, as long as he’s medically cleared, he can come back. He’s grateful because he misses the comradery, misses helping people - but he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready to return to duty. He tells Bobby that they can talk about it if they find Christopher, when they find him.
His phone vibrates again, and he looks at it bleary-eyed, it’s a text message from Eddie: CALL ME. Buck shoots up in bed, and he’s fumbling with the phone as he brings up Eddie’s contact on his phone.
Eddie tells him that there might be a lead.
Buck’s heart is soaring then, and he feels himself getting out of bed even though he hasn’t slept a wink. “It’s someone from the church,” Eddie is saying, “Bobby wants to meet us down at the firehouse, see if we can’t piece this all together.” He sounds like he’s out of breath.
“I’ll be down there in twenty.”
They’re not on shift, so when Buck and Eddie arrive at the firehouse, they find Bobby upstairs in street clothes. Eddie looks exhausted, but at the same time, he is practically vibrating where he stands. “Can I get you guys anything, some tea?” Bobby asks.
Eddie shakes his head. He can see the way that Eddie paces, the way that he is trying not to look too hopeful. Buck understands, he feels himself fighting the same feeling, wanting to remain hopeful but terrified that this could be a dead end.
“Cindy from church got a hit while she was walking around passing out flyers near the memorial. There was a woman that she said found a boy that fits Christopher’s description, but she was afraid with all of the confusion going on right now, that he might not end up back with the right people.”
“So what happens next?” Buck feels Eddie’s eyes shift to him, and then Buck and Eddie both look at Bobby expectantly.
The next hour seems to whiz by in a blur. Bobby is talking, and Buck is finding it impossible to focus on what he is saying. All he can think is maybe this will all be okay. Maybe there is a real chance that Christopher is out there in the world and he is safe. He forces the worst case scenarios down, the ones that seem to invade his every thought when he is alone. If Christopher is okay, maybe Buck can be too.
Maybe things can go back to normal… to whatever normal is.
Buck’s frowning, because he knows that normal has faded away. Normal broke away with the first wave, and he needs to accept that what he had before with Christopher and Eddie, they’ll probably never find their way back to. He has to come to terms with losing that.
“Buck?” It’s Bobby’s voice bringing him back, and he gives a subtle nod to his captain. “Athena’s here.”
Buck looks confused for a moment, but then his gaze travels to where Eddie is standing. There is hope in his eyes, rolling off of him in waves. Buck sees the moment that he accepts that this is real, that this is happening, that he doesn’t have to keep his hope locked away in a box where it can’t hurt him anymore.
The tears slip freely from his eyes. “ Mijo,” he chokes out, all but sprinting to meet Athena where she stands at the top of the stairs, Christopher’s hand clasped firmly in hers.
“DAD!” Christopher falls into Eddie’s arms, and Buck stands speechless, trying to hold himself together.
It hits him in a rush as he watches Eddie swing around Christopher in his arms, tears slipping down Eddie’s cheeks as he grips Christopher tight. Is this really happening? After all of the hours of searching, of hoping, of praying… is he really okay?
Buck watches their reunion. He doesn't realize that he is holding his breath, as though afraid to breathe, scared that if he does that he might wake up and break this moment in time. He feels Bobby’s hand on his shoulder, trying to bring Buck back and Buck rattles out the breath he’s been holding. “He’s okay,” Bobby tells him softly, and Buck barely nods.
Buck watches Christopher wrapped up in Eddie’s arms, and his mind flashes back to the moment that he was swept away into the waves. The moment that Buck lost him. What if-
“-of course Buck is okay,” He hears Eddie say, and Buck clears his throat as Eddie brings Christopher over to Buck. Buck’s heart races as he feels a familiar burn behind his eyes, trying his best to keep it together for the younger Diaz.
“Hey there, Superman,” Buck manages, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips as he looks at Christopher.
He feels so lucky that Christopher is okay. Buck wanted to ask how, wants to know all of the details… but he is also afraid of what he might learn. How much has Christopher been through because of him? He was missing for a week, anything could have happened to him. Who found him? He wonders if after he was separated from Buck, if he saw all of the things that Buck had tried so hard to protect him from, the brutality of this menacing storm.
“Bucky!” Christopher grasps at Buck, holding onto Buck as though afraid he’ll get swept away from him in another wave. “You’re okay!”
Buck dips his head down and kisses the top of Christopher’s head. For the first time in over a week he lets out a sigh of pure relief, Christopher’s arms still holding him tightly in a hug. He lifts his eyes to look at Eddie and he sees gratitude and relief there, along with something else that Buck can’t quite put his finger on. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. Feeling a peace wash over for him that he could never put into words.
Eddie manages a crooked smile, laced with the emotion of the moment. “Come here you two,” he murmurs, wrapping his arms around Christopher and Buck equally. Buck feels something in him break at the unexpected comfort that Eddie offers, tears falling down his cheeks. “You’re both okay now. We’re okay .” There is something in Eddie’s tone that Buck can’t place, a conviction that he’s never heard before.
Buck’s face burrows into the curve of Eddie’s neck, wanting to calm his tears before he looks back down at Christopher. Feeling like he can finally be vulnerable with Eddie after all they’ve been through together this past week.
Maybe he can find it in himself to finally say the words that have been dancing on his tongue for months now. I love you, Eddie . He’s learned that life is unexpectedly fragile and taking that for granted can have an unbearable outcome. He needs to love completely and honestly even if that means putting himself out there and getting hurt in the process.
“Athena, do you need anything from me?” Eddie asks, finally releasing Buck and Christopher from the firm embrace. “We’re going to go home, and if anyone wants to stop by later today after we’re settled, you’re all more than welcome.”
“I’ll bring the paperwork when we stop by. You take your boy home, okay?” Athena’s voice is uncharacteristically soft. “Buck, you’re coming home with Bobby.”
Buck opens his mouth to object. “Athena-”
Eddie’s voice stops them. “Buck’s coming with Chris and I.” Eddie looks at Bobby and Athena and the couple exchanges a glance. “Just send me a text before you guys head over, they both need to go home and rest.”
Buck’s heart swells, realizing that Eddie wants him there, with Eddie and Christopher. Finally, he allows himself to believe that maybe they’re all going to be okay.
Together.