Chapter Text
“So let me get this straight.” Zenitsu scrunched up his face like he was going to cry. He sure hoped not. That always got messy. “You want me. To go with you. And swim in some shitty lake.”
“Oi! It’s not shitty! The hell?” Inosuke protested. Who the fuck went around calling lakes shitty? Obviously, they were nature’s bathtubs! They earned all their street cred and then some just for existing!
“Aha! I’m right then! You can’t be serious! Do you know what lives in those things? Chytrids! You know what they kill?!? Frogs! I can’t swim in lakes that have frog-killing fungal monsters! And don’t get me started on brain-eating amoeba!”
He shrugged, fully used to his minion randomly going off the shits. “‘Kay, I won’t then. You coming or not, cheese stick?”
Because Zenitsu was Zenitsu and therefore Like That, he reached over to shake his shoulders. “You’re soooo stupid! I hate you! Of course I’m going because someone I know likes to swim with frog murderers!”
If he thought the shoulder shaking would distract him from noticing his insults, he was dead wrong. “You fucker! Take that back or I’m throwing you in the damn lake myself!” Zenitsu was Zenitsu, but he was Hashibira Inosuke, and he didn’t take shit from anybody!
They could have fought over it forever if the world let them. The world did not because the world sucked and they had class to worry about for some reason he could never understand. “Can you two healthy boys settle down back there? We must begin our most gruesome cavalry battle yet! Arm thyselves, oh soldiers, before the accursed bell steals our souls forever!” Rengoku-sensei was the world in this scenario, except less sucky and more cool. Speaking of cool, did their teacher have any ice cubes for him to munch on today during the epic fight?
What was he thinking about again?
Eh. If he needed to remember it, he would! His brain rocked like that when it wanted to. For now, he got to whack Zenitsu with a paper sword for calling him dumb in public. Today was going from good to great!
Okay. Inosuke needed to backtrack. No biggie! He just had to, or the whole lake thing wouldn’t make any sense.
Growing up as he did in the forest first and society second, he learned other things than everyone else. Like how to catch fish from rivers with his bare hands, and cool shit like that! Actually, if he squinted at the past, everyone else was pretty lame for not knowing how to do that too. When the cities finally fell apart, Mama and him would be living like kings! Kings of the mountain!
And with every good mountain, there’s an even better lake! If that wasn’t a saying, he was damn sure going to make it one! Some of his favorite afternoons had been spent in some of those after all; pools had nothing on ducking under the surface and trapping his breath until he couldn’t hold it anymore, and fuck you if you thought otherwise!
Look, a person’s first lake was a super big deal! Swimming in one meant something, just like a first run through the woods or a first slip on moss! Without it, was someone really living? Inosuke couldn’t have Zenitsu not living on his watch! That’d be… bad. A lost your rabbit, cracked a tooth, and got stuck in the snow kind of bad! Grr, it made him all fired up just thinking about it!
Hashibira Inosuke was not the type of guy who ‘made plans’. He shat all over plans, but he didn’t make them. How the lake plan came to be actually wasn’t that hard to understand.
One night, when Mama had him trapped in one of her hugs, she said something weird. “Baby, how’d you like to go rough it with me when your next school break comes?”
“Wha?” mumbled Inosuke, who was still trying to wriggle away without (a) getting too giddy, (b) hurting her tiny mom arms, or (c) making her cry.
“Camping! We can fish and get bit all over by mosquitoes like old times!” She smiled like the ‘old times’ she was going on about ever existed. They didn’t. “Oh! Before I forget, you can invite a friend!”
Fishing. Fish. Fish in the lake. Lake. Swimming in the lake. Swimming in the lake with Zenitsu while eating fish. “IT. MUST. BE. PONITSU.”
“Sure!”
And that was it. Backtrack over.
Rap tap tap tap tap. Tap tap.
Only one weirdo knocked on doors like that. “MAMA! HURRY UP! HE’S AT THE DOOR!”
“PLEASE! QUIET! VOLUME TO ZERO!” She shrieked back. Her voice wobbled around like a drunk dude when she got to the oval number. Oh, shit, was she
crying?
Inosuke ran over to her immediately, hitting her back to help her stop.
Mama looked at him, not sobbing yet, but close. “Baby, I’m so sorry for yelling at you. I’m stressed, b-but that was wrong of me. Volume to one please.”
“What’s wrong?” He whispered. (Zero equaled shutting up, one equaled quiet talking, and two equaled doing whatever he liked.) “You’re leaking.”
“I… I…” She hiccuped loudly. “I c-can’t find my shoes! I’m a terrible mother! What mama can’t find her shoes?!? And n-now I’m crying in front of my treasure and your friend is at the door, oh my gosh, he’s still w-w-waiting at the door, and I’ll be useless without my shoes, darling, so please-”
Inosuke pointed at their little table. More specifically, he pointed at the sneakers. The sneakers, which were on the table. Her sneakers, sitting on the table.
“... Oh. How did I miss that? You’re so much smarter than me, baby!” Mama attacked him with another wet hug. He tried not to drop dead on the point. Moms were dangerous!
RAP TAP TAP TAP TAP. TAP TAP.
“Ah! Shit! He’s still waiting!” Once she finished saying this, Mama immediately tripped over her own two feet, almost crashing into the table as she went. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
What the fuck. Inosuke thought quietly, and went to open the door.
“- and that’s why we need to call the poli- oh, hey! Took you long enough!” Zenitsu stepped forward a little too strangely. Suspicious.
“What’re you hiding?” Inosuke challenged, trying to peek around the other boy. The blond kept jumping in front of his line of sight, but he couldn’t keep that up forever! Dumb yellow rabbit!
“Where’s your mom?!?” His minion fired back, trembling up a storm. “Stop! I was totally just talking to myself like always, you incorrigible boar!”
He called bullshit on that. The old bag behind Zenitsu obviously had his cane raised for a reason. “Then who’s the geezer? Oi, why do you get to have a cool scar, oldie?!?”
“I’m so sorry for making you both wait!” Mama rushed in, cutting everyone off. With her shorts that showed off freshly bruised legs, watery eyes, and tied-up hair in disarray, she looked exactly like someone who had just been sobbing over sneakers. “You can come in if you’d like, um… Who are you again? You’re not also named Zenitsu, yes?”
“No, the name’s Kuwajima Jigoro! I’m Zenitsu’s grandfather! And that’s alright! I’m only dropping in to say hello.” He extended a hand for her to shake. From the face she made, he squeezed it too hard. If he was anyone else, Inosuke would curbstomp him for that. But grandparents? Literally all of them had a pass to do whatever they wanted. They were scary, and he knew better than to challenge them outright.
Still, once she got her hand back, Mama smiled. “I’m Hashibira Kotoha! It’s a pleasure to meet you and your grandson! I’ve heard such lovely things about him!” This wasn’t right, not really. Inosuke didn’t say lovely things, whatever the fuck that meant. He’d just sit on the couch and rant about how weird everyone else was while she lost herself in giggles. Honestly, the woman found everything to be lovely so long as he said it.
Both Zenitsu and his gramps looked confused, though the older returned to making old people noises of agreement. “How do you plan to get to your destination, Hashibira-san?”
“I have a rental car that will easily fit all three of us!” He wasn’t sure if they could tell, but his mama cared a lot about that rental car. She kept making dumb excuses to go sit in it for a few hours. Once, he even found her asleep in there! He had to drag her out by her arms and haul her back upstairs! After that, he’d go sit with her to make sure she wasn’t being weird again. Could never be too careful with a mama.
“Sounds good to me!”
Eh?
“Have fun, boys!”
EH?
Inosuke felt used to people making a big stink over him. Mama often said he came out of her ready to bite someone, and most didn’t want to bite back. But the geezer was fine with him? He was leaving already? Just like that? Huh. Weirdo.
“Aaa, but Jii-chan!” His minion whispered something to the man that he couldn’t hear. One whack later, and they were left with a crying blond boy on their hands. “Why does he always do that?!? I’m nuh-not a coward!” Zenitsu wailed at the top of his lungs.
“Ha! You’re all sweaty, Monitsu! ‘Course you’re a coward!”
“SHUT UP!!!” Like he said, most didn’t want to bite back, but Zenitsu always did, even if he cried about it first.
Mama only laughed over the other boy’s bloody assault on his forehead. “Aw, you’ve made some lively friends, baby! You both are too precious! I mean it! Ooo, before I forget, let me take a picture for the memories!” Somehow, she didn’t lose hold of her phone this time; Inosuke could see the cracks from here.
Almost like he only just remembered their audience, Zenitsu stopped attacking him. “Ah, wait a second!” He shrieked, rubbing at his reddened mouth. Served him right! Next thing you knew, he’d be going around thinking that his ballsy move was okay!
Right as the flash went off and killed his eyes, Inosuke put his minion in a chokehold and smiled for Mama’s sake. There we go! A bitching start to a bitching trip!
Dreaming about lakes, going to lakes, and being near lakes were not the same thing. Inosuke knew that pretty well by now.
First of all, dreaming about lakes was a full-time thing, okay?!? You dreamt about them before ever deciding to go to one, you dreamt about them while making your way over to one, you dreamt about other lakes while you were there, and you dreamt about the one you left behind while heading home!
Secondly, going to a lake took serious guts! You had to make plans and save money! He wouldn’t have guessed that his mama could do those things! Of course, while she could do those things, there were a few things she could not.
Number one: packing the car with important shit! Being the strongest, he took care of everyone’s bags, though his favorite minion spent the entire time whining about how ‘I can carry my own things, let me heeeeelp, why is your mom so pretty ’, and Inosuke didn’t give a shit about addressing one bit of that.
Number two: being normal! She kept turning around in her seat and patting his knee every few seconds before she finally got off her ass and said “Okay! We’re all present and accounted for!” as she started the car. Zenitsu gave him a strange look. Inosuke thought about maybe jumping out the car entirely. He tried this one time when he wasn’t with Mama, and it went okay, so maybe-
Ah, shit. Number three.
Driving.
Mama, even though she didn’t think so, was very smart. She could whittle, sew, cure his sicknesses with soup and kisses, and skin a deer faster than anyone he knew with only a knife to help her! She had plenty of brains stuck in her silly skull! But she couldn’t drive.
“LOOK AT THE ROAD! THE ROAD!” He shouted the second she started turning to look at them again. “I CAN’T PUNCH THE CARS BACK WHEN I’M IN ONE!”
“Hm? Oh, oops! Thank you, sweetheart!” She laughed so freely that he almost forgot she nearly killed them. Almost. Zenitsu and his dumb nails didn’t let him.
After Mama accidentally swerved into the wrong lane for the second time, the blond finally listened to his shoves and stopped cutting off the blood flow in his arm. “Oh my god.” He wheezed. “I’m going to die here. I wish I was Catholic. I need to do a Hail Mary.”
Just to prove him wrong, Inosuke kept his eyes firmly trained on the world outside.
Escaping from the city took some time, but they eventually succeeded. He felt reasonably confident that she wouldn’t drive them straight into a tree. Satisfied, he felt equally comfortable enough to doze off. Everything faded into a relaxing black.
And it stayed that way until a finger started poking his face. “Hey. Hey. Wake up, you-”
“Tch. Go ‘way. Stinky breath bitch.” He huffed at the random person touching him. No way in hell was he going to get up!
A familiar grip clamped down on his nose. “SAID THE PIGGY!”
Inosuke got up.
Mama poked her head back in the moment they both started throttling the other. She had a sixth sense for that kind of stuff. “Are you two having fun?” She asked, scrunching up her nose.
Knowing what that face meant, Inosuke automatically let go of his minion; if she started losing it again, he wouldn’t be held responsible for his actions if Zenitsu called her a freak. “Yup! Lots!”
“Your son’s a terror!” Those words shot out of the other boy like bullets before a weird smile spread across his face. “But he’s my friend, so. Actually, I think this is a perfect example of the mere exposure effect! I read about it a few days ago! Do you know about the mere exposure effect, Hashibira-san? It’s-”
“That’s great, Zenitsu! Alright, let’s unpack so you two can start swimming as soon as possible!” Like that, her attention bounced off to the next topic. They were all pretty alike, come to think of it.
Mama did not help unpack, but she did put up the tent with almost no help. Inosuke thought that made for a fair trade.
“Are we going now? I don’t see anywhere to change…?” The blond pulled a face as he said this. Did he not get the whole becoming one with nature concept? Sucks to suck.
“Just do it wherever! Keep up!” Inosuke pulled his shirt over his head to the sound of a shrill scream. Whew! Fabric is shit! “Hold the fort, Mama!” Having said all he needed to - she wouldn’t move and Zenitsu would definitely follow - off he went to the actual lake.
Bare feet slapped against oh-so-glorious mud. He never felt better than in moments like this, with the wind rushing through his hair and life buzzing all around him. “Last one in’s a rotten egg!” Up he went, soaring right above the shoreline. Down he went, and the water rose to meet him.
Wonderful treatment for a king of the mountain!
Underwater, everything looked different. He felt different even, like his troubles were floating away with the current. When he was submerged, he didn’t have to worry about money or food or grades. He was just Inosuke, and he could hold his breath forever and a day.
Underwater, everything sounded different too. His ears didn’t get what something breaking the surface meant normally, delivering a weird noise in the right one’s stead. More fish scattered, much to his disappointment. Stupid minion! How was he supposed to catch them n-
With a strength of a beast, arms wrapped around his middle and dragged him to the surface. “What the fuck are you doing?!?” The blond screamed in his face. “Huh?!? If you’re going to drown, kindly don’t invite me along next time!”
If I’m going to what?!? “That’s ridiculous, Monitsu! I was trying to beat my personal record! The Great Inosuke can hold his breath forever and a day, but I’m going to make it forever and two!”
Zenitsu stopped treading water for a second, enough to start to sink. “So…” He paused as he started again, still clinging on. “You’re fine?”
Something in the way he said it bothered Inosuke. The shine in his eyes made it worse, like he was about to cry. But Inosuke wasn’t smart like his Mama. He had no idea what any of it meant beyond never wanting to see and hear those signs of awful things again.
“Of course I’m fine! I’m the best!” He proclaimed. “And so are you! You’re swimming, ain’t ya?”
A shaky laugh left the blond. “I don’t think I’ll ever get you… Seriously though! Don’t pull stunts like that without telling me first! You’ll give me a bonafide heart attack! Who’ll listen to my chytrid talk then?!?”
“That’s easy! Your weird friend with the black hair!”
A hand roughly pulled at his cheek the second he finished speaking. “Don’t talk about Murata like that, you turd!” What did he expect anyway? Zenitsu was like that, flipping emotions at the drop of a hat and… still… holding… him…
Inosuke looked at the boy and wondered if he cursed him, just like how his grandfather no doubt had the power to. Smacking his minion’s cheek was the only remedy; anyone who made him giddy earned it.
“Ow! What the hell?!?” Sure enough, Zenitsu started furiously swimming after him. And yeah, they scared away the rest of the fish, but Inosuke felt like he was right where he needed to be.
“Hey? Inosuke? Where’s the toilet out here?”
“Huh? Toilet? What the fuck are you talking about? Dig a hole!”
“DIG A HOLE?!? I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID YES TO YOU! I MISS CIVILIZATION!”
“STOP BEING LOUD, CHUUITSU! YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME LOSE THE FISH!”
“WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR FISH?!? AND IT’S ZENITSU! ZENITSU!”
“SHUT UP!”