Chapter Text
"...I'm sorry for calling you over so suddenly."
Even she could tell that was a meek way of starting them off. She commanded an incredible amount of authority and confidence in the Metaverse, manifesting her Queen caricature and Anat to take full control of any situation. Yet in the real world she faced moments like this, exhibiting behavior similar to a child and skirting around the issue. If the discrepancy bothered her sudden guest, he didn't show it, thankfully. He usually never did.
On the other hand, that made him very hard to read sometimes. Makoto had come to value Ren's opinions highly within the last year, for both professional and personal reasons. Whether it be she sought confirmation, advice, or the occasional indulgence of praise, he gratified her.
What was he thinking right now? Did he like her room? The way she organized it? His eyes didn't tell her much, frustratingly enough. Perhaps he was being polite and opted to keep any opinions to himself. It wasn't like Makoto's room was anything special. Ann's room, on the other hand, was brimming with far more personality than Makoto could ever hope for hers. She'd hung out at Ann's house multiple times over the year and that girl had a way of fitting all the parts of her that were great into that small slice of reality. Ann's happiness, her passion for modeling, her vibrant personality, her love of pretty things; it was all lovingly compacted into that one little room.
Meanwhile, Makoto's room was... a room. Embarrassingly enough, and she was thankful that he'd not made a teasing comment on it, her love for all things orderly and Buchimaru-kun was made apparent. The plush merchandise in her glass cabinet, the meticulously written sticky notes hanging lazily over her desk, and other embarrassing things. Otherwise, very utilitarian.
And... Oh God, he was sitting on her bed, too. The one with the splotch patterned comforter that was reminiscent of her beary friend's fur...Who was also sitting on her bed with that infuriatingly cute face, staring off innocently next to her boyfriend. Her hand twitched from her desire to place it (gently) on the floor. Still, it was only courteous that she give up the most comfortable spot in the room. He was the guest. Sis always said that you could never go wrong with the little lessons in etiquette. That applied to relationships too, right? Even when a girl invites a boy she likes to her room...?
She sighed quietly. He didn't say anything, his eyes quickly taking in his surroundings while sitting casually. Any impression of maturity that she may have given off has surely disappeared from Ren's mind now. And it was all due to the reason behind her stupid request to speak with him in private.
Makoto mentally chided herself. She really needed to get her mind in order! The arguably terrible first impressions of her room aside, she had called him here for a very important reason. And it was all the more infuriating to her, trying her best not to look away from him in sheepishness, that it wasn't for something intimate or casual.
Well, it was intimate, just not in the way she wanted, at all. He surely knew what the problem was by now. Behind that gentle smile, the edges of his lips pulled into that signature grin of amusement, was a serious look in his eyes when he looked back at her.
Thankfully his resolve instilled some courage in her. The courage she thought she already integrated. The courage that kept him steadfast in the wake of this fake reality. The one she was still coming to terms with, and the subject of her most recent shame.
She could scarcely forgive herself for it. To think that their once worst enemy was more determined to help the boy she... l-loved than she was.
01/8 | Shibuya Station | Afternoon
"Ooh, I just had an idea. Ren, would you like to come and join us for dinner tonight?"
He didn't verbally respond, but Makoto could see the gears turning in his head at her request. Beneath his usual stoicism she noticed the little bit of nervousness emanating from him. It took her a long time to pick up on such subtle cues, but the way he would usually fidget with his hands in his pockets and the way his eyes tended towards something else away from you were small giveaways. Makoto was pleased to see her admittedly innocent invitation had that kind of effect on him.
She would be taking more pride in her juvenile victory if they were alone. But alas, siblings.
Her sister turned away from our surprise visitor to give the brown-haired girl a chiding look. "Makoto, didn't it occur to you that he might have plans already?" She reminded, but Makoto could see the barest hint of a tease pulling on her lips.
"I'm surprised at your boldness, though." she continued. Makoto couldn't help but beam slightly at the rare(?) praise. Sae shook her head, a rare grin adorning her face. "Look at you, Little Miss Outgoing. I don't think you've ever invited any of your friends over to our place so brazenly before."
Makoto couldn't stop the heat from creeping up into her cheeks. If only Sae knew... True, she was feeling a little more confident in doing such things openly, especially compared to last year... when...
Well, it wasn't that big of a deal.
Her sister seemed to ponder something for a second. She briefly had that look in her eye that struck nervousness into any rival lawyer opposing her, a sign of their impending doom. It would've seriously worried Makoto had it not lasted more than a second, until she spoke again.
"But I am curious." Sae leaned against the subway pillar, looking at her boyfriend with inquisitive eyes. "Out of all of your friends, you want to invite Ren-kun? You can surely guess the thoughts that will go through Dad's mind when he finds out." She said in her usual analytical tone.
It was apparently her doom that was being spelled out more than Ren's.
"T-that's not what I was implying!" She breathed out harshly. She fumbled with her purse for a second before calming down again. Sis always had a surefire method of breaking her composure. "Surely he wouldn't mind meeting one of the people who has had such a huge impact on me, right? Besides, the work of the Phantom Thieves is precisely the type of change Dad has always said he wants to see in the world, so it wouldn't be imprudent for a guest like Ren to attend his award celebration right?"
Sae waved her hand conversationally. "True," she turned to look at Ren again. He still hasn't said anything, she noticed. That seriousness behind his gentle smile still affected Makoto to this day. It was nostalgic in all the ways she couldn't name.
"Then again..." Makoto sighed. "I still haven't decided what I should prepare for dinner yet. And inviting someone who Dad's never even met yet on such short notice could be taken the wrong way." Makoto looked at her boyfriend apologetically. "It wouldn't be fair to invite you over for a family meal without knowing what to expect. Forgive me."
"That reminds me," Sae added. She cupped her chin questioningly. "I'm still wondering what has kept you from formally introducing your friends to us, Makoto." She leaned her hand against her hip. "I know Ren-kun reasonably well at this point, but I was surprised when you finally caved about your involvement only recently."
Makoto scrunched her eyebrows at the floor for a moment before looking back at her sister. "I suppose... I didn't feel ready to share that with you and Dad yet, Sis. I mean, you would have surely thought of them as a strange bunch. It would've been a complicated affair to open up about, especially before our big operation."
Sae didn't look like she quite believed that defense, but seemed to opt for letting her sister off the hook. To be honest, Makoto felt more hesitation from her irrational fear of her father meeting Ren.
Sae hummed to herself. "Fair enough." She fixed her boyfriend with another stare. "Still, I would never have guessed at the time that the timid coffee house resident was a Phantom Thief." She shook her head wryly. "For a while, Dad and I didn't know what to think of the Phantom Thieves; a real cultural enigma, you know."
"Oh?" Ren perked up in interest, his arms slouching into his jacket pockets, appearing normal.
Sae hummed, trying to ignore the chill in the air by sticking her free hand in her long coat. "Makoto took the most initial interest in our household. You know how it is when making first judgement. Varying opinions sweep the room, and the people exchange their thoughts on the good and the bad, the righteous and the dangerous. For heaven's sake, I don't remember the last time our house was swept by such a passionate debate..." Sae rested her hand on her temple, shaking her head. "Makoto probably already told you this, but after Madarame confessed his crimes on international television, Dad initially sided with Akechi-kun's opinion that the Phantom Thieves be tried in court. Makoto originally agreed with him."
Much to Makoto's surprise, Ren's casual demeanor quickly shifted into tense. He removed his hands from his gray jacket pockets and stared at her with worry, his eyes streaming over to Makoto's. She couldn't tell exactly what emotion was behind the glasses.
Makoto flinched somewhat, staring at him worriedly. She glanced at her sister, who's easygoing aura turned slightly suspicious. Did she say something surprising? She told him months ago. It just sort of slipped out when they were talking about helping Eiko from... saving her from that guy who... Huh. Eiko Takao was her classmate, right? No, they were just the same grade... Ugh, she could think about this later. This wasn't new information to Ren.
Come to think of it, Ren's behavior had been worrying her lately. The initial guilt she felt over not inviting him for a fun night together on New Year's was supplanted by her suspicions over his sudden reclusive behavior. She took on the role of Adviser for the Phantom Thieves with what she thought was gusto, and took great strides to fulfill that role to the team's needs. So it was only natural she prided herself on noticing things that weren't quite right. Was there something bothering her boyfriend?
Sae must've been thinking the same thing. "Is something the matter? I assumed Makoto had already informed you of this."
After a moment, he relaxed again, going back to his relaxed stance. "...Yeah, sorry. I guess I... kind of got blindsided, remembering she was totally against m-us, at one point."
She shook her head and took on a more assuring tone. "Keep in mind, any distrust I had of you is in the past now. Same with our father. I told you this before, when she came to me about Shido, that I support your efforts as heroes of Justice, if only unofficially. Exposing Shido and his Party's conspiracy only strengthened that belief. You've already won me over." She glanced up at the subway ceiling. "Dad has always possessed a simple-spirited belief of justice, and I guess that rubbed off on me, so it was no surprise we took a liking to your group." Sae tightened her grip on her handbag, her stare closer resembling a Valkyrie warrior than a prosecutor. "Gangs like Kaneshiro's were a cancer upon Shibuya, and I suppose I've come to accept that you need some help from the underside to get rid of such evils. We all changed our tunes, and good thing, too. When the offer came to my desk to expand my investigation to the Phantom Thieves, who knows if I'd have accepted it before."
What a worrying prospect. Her mind jumping from her strange boyfriend to her steadfast sister, Makoto fidgeted on her feet. She didn't know why she was so nervous. Such a thing didn't happen. "Thank God you didn't. I don't think I could stand fighting you, Sis." Her fingers drummed anxiously against her handbag. That was one of her most deep-seated worries since she first joined the Phantom Thieves.
The woman appeared amused rather than offended. Laughing lightly, she rested her hand on the top of her head and gently ruffled the hair behind Makoto's headband. Makoto's voice squeaked slightly in protest, shaking around on her feet and surprised at her older sister's action, especially out in public.
It must have been a genetic quality in older sisters, Makoto thought glumly. Sae had done this less and less over the years for obvious reasons, but apparently even maturity. Still, she couldn't say she didn't appreciate the occasional burst of affection from the otherwise aloof prosecutor. But still, why did it have to be in front of her boyfriend?!
She was too busy forcing her sister's hand away from her to see it, but the chuckle that rose out of Ren's throat did catch her attention.
It was... unusual to hear from him. He was usually so composed most of the time. But she had been witness to a few times when the team's antics or an event so absurd came up that even he had to let out his glee. Not the amusement he'd derive from getting all those one-ups on her. No, those came up frequently, she learned.
Still, the way the laughter was pulled out of him didn't sound quite right. Glancing at him, he was already regaining his composure. The laugh sounded like it was intended to come out like a bark, but come out as an airy wheeze. He was looking at the tile floor and shook his head slowly. It almost looked... sad?
Finally deciding that enough was enough, Sae relented. "Silly girl." She said. "Family comes first, remember? You know I'd never jeopardize that, Makoto."
"Well, it looks like you two are getting along just fine then. Actually, more than getting along. You're practically beaming."
Makoto and Sae turned their attention back to their surprise guest. He seemed positively mirthful, smirking at them. God, why was he finding this so funny...?
"I apologize, Ren-kun. I didn't mean to ignore you like that." Sae said.
Ren shook his head. "Nah, it's fine Sae-san. It's good I caught you two when I did, though." Although the response was to Sae, Makoto could feel from Ren's eyes that what he said was meant for her.
"Is something the matter Ren?" She asked. "Did something come up for the Phantom Thieves?" She asked quietly. Perhaps she still felt some lingering paranoia from last year. After all, both she and Akechi-kun deduced the Phantom Thieves' identities because of their apathetic conspicuousness at times.
Ren shook his head. He turned to face Makoto directly. "Not today. My simple desire was to see you. That's all."
Simple desire? What could he...? Why is he phrasing it like that?
Makoto had been ignoring it up until now, but ever since New Year's she had been experiencing these short headache episodes. She thinks they started popping up when they met Ren and Yoshizawa-san at the shrine. The headaches were off and on, and aspirin didn't have an effect on it. Makoto reasoned that some external stimulus was causing it. It didn't sound so far fetched, but then she had to wonder what was causing it? She hadn't found any notable points of correlation between the episodes, at least, none that made sense. It was frustrating to her, since it was such a mundane issue. They didn't hurt much... it was like a nagging pressure point against the inside of her skull. No physical or mental pain, but it had an unmistakable presence when it did flare up.
Makoto winced slightly and and rubbed the hair covering her temple. She shook her head. Now wasn't the time to be worrying about that. Ren was just trying to make conversation, that was all. They hadn't spoken for over a week now, so maybe he was just trying to secretly tell her he wanted to spend some time together. Unfortunately, if she picked that up...
Sae "hmmed" to herself. "I wonder how well you and our father would get along, Ren-kun. He followed along with the news quite extensively since last April, and the exploits of the Phantom Thieves were a common topic in our home. He especially found himself interested in the character of its members. After all, if Makoto were regularly spending time with such people, he'd want to be sure that they're a good fit for her." She recounted. Sae rested her fingers against her chin and fixed Ren with a stare that worried Makoto.
"Sis..." Makoto drawled, embarrassed. She picked up on that with lightning speed. Still, Ren definitely could've worded that better. They still hadn't told her sister about their relationship yet, for obvious reasons. Not only was their group tied up with Shido, but such a reveal wouldn't serve a purpose beyond her and Ren's gratification. And of course, much to Makoto's chagrin sometimes, Sae was very protective of her only sibling. But, that was over now. She'd wanted to tell her older sister about them since Christmas, but for some reason Ren wasn't up for it, even now apparently. She had a hard time understanding, since her sister was so dependable. She was... a little scary, but she already said she liked him. The two of them had gotten along well for months now!
But now it was like he was trying to prove something. She mentally sighed. He could be quite confrontational at the oddest of times, and she didn't always know how to feel about that. Ren, however, didn't look as intimidated as she'd have expected. Sure, the little signs of caution were in his body language, she noticed, but he looked almost ready for it.
"If I ever got the opportunity to meet him, I'd gladly do so." Ren said with a tight smile. "And character, huh? I guess that must've been a huge worry when it was let out that Makoto was one of us. Good to know you and Niijima-san are looking out for her."
Sae's eyes softened. A little bit. "Makoto has always been a worry for Dad. He knew that if she ever got the chance to jump into the action, to serve justice to those who were guilty, she'd take it, with eager reproach."
Makoto was now wondering whether she should've gone to get groceries by herself...
"Yep, that sounds like her." Ren said with a bit too much knowing.
Yep, definitely should've gone alone, she concluded.
"Still, that was always something I admired about her." Makoto drew herself back to reality. Ren was staring at her, standing with that casual grace, but with an almost... intimate look in his eye. Like it was trying to say something more meaningful than what she could see. "You Sae-san, and your father. Makoto, do you remember last Summer when you first joined us? I didn't fully get what was driving you at the time, but it definitely involved your sister and dad, right?"
Makoto couldn't keep the flush on her cheek as she scoured her mind for a quick answer. Ren had never been bold about the two of them in the company of others before... Well, except when he acted so nonplussed at the Sakura residence back before break when... when they needed to talk to Ali-Futaba! When they needed to talk to Futaba for...
There was a blank. When they needed to... but they'd already dealt with Medjed already. Or the fake one... Was she getting her dates wrong?!
Dammit, she needed to say something! "Um, uh, yeah. I guess you could say that." Her sister already knew the tale it this point, so it was kind of redundant, but if he was asking... "Dad has told me all sorts of stories about criminal gangs. Sis is also a great Prosecutor who uses the law to put such people away. It only makes sense that I'd want to contribute."
"But... there was more to it than that, right?" Ren asked knowingly, hopefully. "I know you, Makoto. Your personal sense of justice means a lot to you, too." He stopped for a second, and a familiar grin of approval adorned his features. "If I remember right, that's a big part of your dream. You want to head an organization..." He lead on.
"...that will destroy the lawless and help rescue victims." Makoto's eyes widened slightly, holding her hand over her heart. She could feel the resonance there still. Her Persona, Anat. The piece of her that represented her willpower in the Metaverse manifested. And the one that gave her the strength to enact her justice. "Mm-hmm." She nodded. "That's right. Dad and Sis were of course a huge part of it, but being witness to people suffering under such lowlifes was the trigger. It motivated me... to go out and learn about such detestable criminals. The ones operating with impunity, taking advantage of unsuspecting innocents. Lonely women, depressed high school students, anyone they could get their slimy hands on... Drugs, alcohol, extortion, even death and slavery aren't below such degenerates, they'll use any method..."
"Makoto..." Sae looked at her younger sister with sadness, like she wanted to take away the pain of knowing such things.
"But!" Makoto clenched her teeth slightly. The things her father told her as a little girl rang true even today! "I couldn't stand the thought of those things happening around me! Seeing my fellow students suffering like that. "How could a school administration allow such injustices to pass uninvestigated? Protocols for protecting the weak and vulnerable ignored?!" Those were the questions that were ringing in my mind." She could feel her temper flaring just thinking about such things! She knew getting all worked up like this wasn't helping anybody, though. She threw her arm out to release some of her pent up energy. "I couldn't stand idly by while the adults sat cozy on their little securities and left the problem to fester, left victims to suffer!."
She shook her head in disgust. "Of course, I turned to the Phantom Thieves, who I considered my last hope. Getting you guys to help wasn't easy, but it was all worth it for the chance to take action against them. When Kaneshiro said those things about Sis, I..."
"Your sister is quite a beauty though. I'll make sure to make her my personal slave."
Wait... Did, did he say that? When push came to shove, and action was needed, I-
The presence in her head was even stronger now. She rubbed her head again, eyes scrunched in genuine confusion.
"Wait, what?!" Sae exclaimed. "He referred to me specifically when you confronted him? You didn't tell me that, Makoto..." Sae breathed warily, wondering why she left out such an important detail.
"You cant be that useless." An ugly thought reverberated.
Okay, she knew she never heard that one before. But, the spirit behind it...
Was she...? Was her memory splitting? Was this the trigger for that confusing headache? Yes, she felt a personal responsibility to deal with Kaneshiro and his mafia gang, but she was never pressured into it, right? Kobayakawa, she knew, had a vested interest in stamping out all things that would tarnish the school's, and in actuality, his reputation, including the Phantom Thieves and the mafia. When he called her into his office for the first time, she felt personally responsible for determining the motives of the then mythical Phantom Thieves. But when he decided to put blackmail and character defamation on the table, she knew not to fall for his manipulation... Right? But, there was pressure on her to succeed?
Pressure... Rumors... Enemies on all sides... Friends. Acceptance.
"But, I'll be okay... I finally found a place where I can belong." Her voice.
While all of this mental legwork was occurring, Ren still stood there patiently, rigid. The smile that was there previously was gone, replaced with something a bit more grim, and unlike anything she'd seen from in private with him. Did he know...? But, that was impossible.
Another pang hit in her head, and this time she felt compelled to press her hand against her temple. "Aauugh..." She groaned, trying to keep her voice from rising more than it already had. She stumbled to the side, trying to keep her footwork steady. A few passing commuters looked their way, but quickly carried on blissfully.
"Makoto!" Sae dropped her hand bag to the floor and prepared to catch her sister lest she fall. Makoto raised her hand, dissuading the worry, if only slightly. Sae sized her up worryingly, but relaxed her posture.
With the presence in her mind back full force, she straightened herself back out, leaning against the pillar. She took a deep breath, looking back to Ren with confusion.
"I-I'm sorry about that... I don't know what came over me..." She said.
"It's okay," he replied, worry weaved in his voice. She couldn't help but feel worried about him in turn, wondering what he knew. Her head was starting to hurt, but in her mind she could practically feel the bond between the two of them gleaming. The grim look in his eye was still present, despite a small smile gracing being there to try to cover it. She could feel his concern for her, but he seemed almost resigned. She wanted to give this more thought, but...
"Ren, I uh, I'm sorry to cut this short, but..." Makoto said shakily. She didn't know what was going on, or if her boyfriend knew something about all this, and she kind of didn't care because this thing was filling her mind. It was all encompassing, as if every other thing was a distraction that could wait until it was addressed. "W-we really need to get back to shopping. Maybe I'll feel better after dinner. I-I'll tell Dad you said hello." Her eyes darted toward the direction of the line they needed to take. She didn't see him flinch.
"...It was good to see you Ren-kun." Sae said solemnly. "Perhaps we can talk again later." Any previous suspicions on her mind were vanished, replaced with concern for whatever ailment had afflicted her sister.
He nodded. Before Makoto could hastily start walking to their destination, Ren quickly came to her side, opposite of Sae, and whispered, "You're so close, Mako. Come talk to me when you're ready..."
Makoto's breath hitched, hearing him call her by the affectionate nickname he gave her, and also confirming that he...
Makoto nodded shakily, eyes unfocused towards the direction she needed to go. She felt that saying anything more would be a waste, and not sufficient to come close to conveying her thoughts and feelings to him. She started walking and didn't look back. Sae quickly picked up the pace, silently pondering this vast influence that was making this day so weird...
01/17 | Niijima Residence | After School
"I like your room."
Okay, it looked like he wasn't going to keep his opinions to himself.
So, this is what Ren was referring to back then. Thinking back on it, it was incredibly obvious that his intentions were anything but casual when they met in the subway. If Ren wanted to spend time with her purely for the sake of company, he'd make that clear. And what was he supposed to say, she realized. In that phony timeline, the one filled with false memories Dr. Maruki had implanted, she talked about her father endlessly, citing examples of how his personal justice influenced her own beliefs, how the Phantom Thieves could learn from his example, and how things were going back home. He probably wasn't very comfortable trying to wing a conversation without knowing how much he should've known. That would come across as too suspicious, she realized.
She definitely put this talk off for long enough, though.
Makoto brushed the hair behind her ear. They were stray strands, right? "I um, appreciate the compliment, but I know it's not much."
He smirked. "But it's yours, so that's all that matters."
The air escaped from her mouth and nose before she could stop it. That was so... "What...?" She couldn't help the snort that came out, no matter how unladylike it was, as well as the airy laugh that came right after than. "W-was that supposed to be another one of your flirting attempts?" She asked, with a few giggles mixed in.
"I have no idea what you're insinuating my dear. If this room is yours, then it's already got everything it needs."
She shook her head, trying and failing to keep a little grin off her face. Damn his flirtatious nature. Sometimes. "You really need to work on those lines in your spare time, Ren. Winging it doesn't look like it works quite as well in the real world." She said out fake haughtily.
"Aw, but I can name everything important to you in here at first glance. That should tell you how special it is." He tentatively picked up the stuffed toy bear next to him. "For example," he said, putting it on theatric display. "Resting in my hand is a treasured item of her ladyship Makoto, a premium-cared-for Buchimaru-kun stuffed merchandise! Inspecting it more thoroughly tells me..." He began turning the stuffed friend around in his hand, obviously taking everything of its being into mind. "It's been acquired recently. The tag is still on the bottom. Looks like someone reignited your love for such things." He grinned cheekily.
Makoto hung her head and let out a drawled sigh. He was committed to the act at this point. When he was in one of these moods, it was best to let him get it out of his system.
He then pointed behind her. "And over there, to your right, is an easily recognizable Buchimaru set on display in your cabinet. Pristine and well presented, I'd be willing to bet you take excellent care cleaning it on a regular basis."
...She was not even going to respond to his obviously... dead-on observation.
...They collected dust in those shelves so easily, it was only natural she take responsibility for their health.
"And your work space is filled to the brim with all sorts of tomes and academic books, with their own unique sticky notes." He wore a studious gaze upon looking at her, as if making an astute observation. "A reminiscent artifact of the robo-Makoto period when school and college were all that was on your mind."
Makoto fully glared at him for the robot remark.
He held her very pointed gaze for three seconds tops before looking away with mild sheepishness. Shaking his head, he looked back up and she was surprised to see his tender gaze. "I look upon the landscape of your room and think... Yeah, this is definitely where my Mako lives. And I wouldn't have it any other way."
Okay, that just wasn't fair...
Dropping the glare, Makoto let her eyes rest on the carpet, drawing into herself a little bit more in her chair. How could he be acting so positively right now...? No, she knows. She could tell what he was doing. It was a classic case of social psychology that she may or may not have picked up in a book somewhere when researching relationships. The scenario goes something like this: A couple has a serious talk coming up that heavily involves their relationship, and one of the couple uses humor and downplaying to make the task seem less intimidating. A technique commonly used to minimum the risk of an argument blowing out between the two, since they're more likely to be in a positive mood, as well as relieve any tension built up before.
When she read about the subject, unsurprisingly he was the first person to appear in her mind. He's always been like that. She wouldn't say he always knew the right thing to say, or that his tact always matched his charm or wit, but he'd never fail to say what was on his mind in the most supportive way he knew how. Ann and Ryuji remarked that he wasn't quite like that when they met him, but by the time she joined, that part of him was integral; you couldn't separate supportive from Ren. To be honest, when she first started spending time with him, casually, and not nipping at his heel (she chewed out Ryuji for describing her that way after following them to Kichijoji), a small part of her assumed that he took their first outing together as a date... She was happy to find out later that he did harbor such feelings, but apparently he was just that accommodating for everybody.
Seeing him try so hard to bring that lightheartedness into their talk now was quite touching.
...She appreciated it, truly.
But, she couldn't keep relying on that.
I can't be so weak that he has to make light of all this. I... hurt him. With that resolve in mind, she nodded to herself, facing Ren with the strength of heart she hadn't felt since before entering this strange reality. She crossed her arms, unable to keep the sorrow blooming in her heart off her face. "I called you here because I wanted to apologize." There, she said it.
Ren's easygoing aura fell flat upon her admission. His warm smile faded away. "O-Oh." He looked uncomfortable. He lifted his right leg and rested it on the other. After a few seconds, he met her gaze again. "It doesn't seem like there's much to say sorry for, you know..."
Even though the nervousness of having broken the ice was making her hands feel clammy, and she felt the urge to put this entire affair aside and just forget about it, sit next to him, and kiss him, Makoto knew she could not run away from this. It would be undignified and wholly disrespectful to him. "When it comes to betraying your trust, Ren, there is absolutely everything I need to say sorry for." She said, deadly serious.
"Whoa, that's..." Ren's eyebrows disappeared behind his messy locks. "You're not the one who betrayed anybody." He shook his head.
"You say that, but that's not really true." Makoto bent and touched her knees together. She looked at the bed in thought. "Everything's come back to me. I remember it all, the fake and the real. You know that already. All the words you spoke to me in front of Sis, the ones I didn't get at the time, they finally rung true when I was with everybody. I remembered everything all at once, and it was like the veil was taken off and I could see again. What you said reminded me of the promise I made to myself." She closed her eyes. "I don't need to rely on the false praise of those I thought were above me anymore. The adults who used me. I'm done being their tool. I have a new place of belonging now, and I will never falter on my beliefs again." She reopened them. "That promise I had sworn myself to echoed constantly in my thoughts, grounding me when facing all challenges that came the Phantom Thieves' way, from when we were at our height, to our descent to the depths."
"I thought that my time spent doing all of those things, in the name of justice, in the hopes that we were making a brighter tomorrow, would eliminate all of those weaknesses. The things I couldn't stand looking at myself with. But I guess that was wrong for me to assume." She shook her head sadly, scrunching her one eye open in shame. "I really made a fool of myself, huh? In truth, I haven't changed at all."
"That is not true and you know it." Ren had enough and leaned away from the bed he was sitting on, placing his warm hand against her cheek. He used his other hand to pull the office chair closer to him. Shocked, she couldn't help but return his fierce stare. "You have absolutely changed, and I won't let you say something that's so wrong. You've been growing stronger for as long as I've known you. You're totally not the same Makoto from back then." His mouth was set firm, like he wasn't going to accept what she said no matter how she tried to convince him. "All that Makoto could ever do was listen and follow orders, be the good President and not step on anyone's toes. The one in front of me is way better. She's our kickass Adviser, my girlfriend, and she can't leave well enough alone because she knows that'd be wrong thing to do. The fact that you made the realization of what was happening and came to help me is proof of that!" He hissed emphatically, trying to get that point across.
She could only shake her head. "But that still wasn't enough." Feeling the energy building up, and knowing there was a lot more to cover, she got up from the chair. She immediately missed his hand on her cheek, which was a touch red, but she had a lot to say. His hand held itself in the same spot where Makoto was, but Ren's gaze followed her movement. She walked to her desk and stared at the wall. "It's obviously not just myself I betrayed. Succumbing so easily to this reality that Dr. Maruki made for us was bad enough, obviously exposing my own shortcomings. I'll be working double time to correct that." The image of a bruised and tired Joker entered her mind, but she didn't falter. "But I thought that, at least, when it came to you, you, I'd have a tougher spine. That I wouldn't abandon you when you seriously needed my help." She felt the impact now that the words were really coming out, but she tried not to let her emotions weaken her voice. "Do you remember the day I called you into the Student Council room?" She asked, before he interrupted her again.
She was still looking at the wall her desk was at, so she couldn't see his response, but she knew he could tell what was being referred to. "I was really smug with myself back then, using what little authority I had to taunt you. I thought I had some serious leverage, having the power to decide whether the Phantom Thieves would live or die. I really was a tool for the adults, nothing more." The mental image of Ren's barely composed face in the Student Council room, the one emanating fear, of her, disgusted her. She shook the thought off. "In truth, you were the ones who had my life in your hands. I was putting all of my hopes into the chance that you could actually pull off my insane request. It would've affirmed what confidence I had, that true justice could exist, that it wasn't just a monopoly wielded by callous public figures for their own benefit. And if I could help those fighters of justice, find a way to oppose everyone who wanted me to stay docile and harmless, then I could actually change. And, wouldn't you know it, I did."
Makoto twisted her foot into the carpet, feeling the disgust pool within her again. "But then you saw it for yourself. All of that progress and gratitude didn't mean anything when I was offered my deepest desires. Not. A damn. Thing." She noted bitterly.
She became quiet after that. Her chest felt tight, as if her own heart was resonating to her words. She could feel the strong heartbeats under her hand resting on her chest. It cried out for those things she lost. It was almost petulant, like a little kid begging and crying for her strong Dad and big Sis when she was all alone. Those yearnings, such childish things...
"Do you really think that wanting your Dad back is selfish?"
She kept quiet. Ren had a way of really cutting to the heart of the matter, pushing away the fluff and melancholy when it was needed. She thought for a moment, and shook her head. "Wanting isn't the issue here. You know more than anybody how much losing Dad tore away at me. That was my pain." She chucked lightly to herself, and it was almost carefree. "I was really happy when you listened to me tell you that story. You were really reliable when I needed you." She felt herself smile at the thought, a little bit of moisture also gathering in her eyes. That was a good memory.
"Makoto..." He whispered.
"The problem is that... I can't forgive myself for abandoning you, for choosing Maruki's fake reality over you."
"...You weren't abandoning me. How could you say that?"
His voice was more raw than before, and it didn't surprise her, but it still hurt. She knew why, and she knew she was responsible for it. Not just her, but when it came to Ren, even if her teammates all chose to do the same thing, and even if he had an unlikely alliance with Akechi and Sumire-san to lean on, the fact that Makoto, his partner, was not there to share the burden was inexcusable. Even if he'd never willingly put that weight on her shoulders, she knew this deep in her heart.
She finally turned to look at him. He was still wearing his glasses, but it almost seemed like the glare of it was purposefully shielding his eyes from her. His shoulders were hunched. His form was tense from this heavy conversation, her ranting. And she was about to make it worse.
"That's how you felt though..." She said gently, trying to soothe him, wanting to not sound accusatory. Any sense of impropriety was absent from her mind as she knelt in front of him. She rested her hands on the bed beside his legs. Her head was just below height of his hunched posture, trying to meet his eyes.
She could sense the charge emitting from him after her comment. It was probably embarrassing for him to handle, maybe even shameful. But something Dr. Maruki had said to them all at their last meeting really struck her, and probably everybody else, too. She had kept her eye on him for the past week, watching cautiously from a distance. She felt terrible for it, but gathering courage to say the things she has and what she was about to bring up took far longer than she had liked. Watching him meet up with everybody else after school told her everything she needed to do. She noticed the looks on their faces when they walked to the train station. They were looks of resolve, so she already knew their teammates had all said their piece. But his reaction practically confirmed that no one felt it was right to bring up that sensitive subject.
Perhaps it was her right as his girlfriend to bring it up, no matter how painful it was. She steeled herself, drew in a deep breath, and opened her eyes to lock with his.
"Why would you feel guilty, for freeing us?" She asked, honestly wondering.