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“Fucking shit!”
“That was a big one!”
Gansey squeezed his eyes closed and lay back on the floor. “I can’t look anymore. Just tell me when it’s over.”
Adam and Ronan leaned against the tall front windows of Monmouth, staring out at the storm. Gansey lay beside them in a pile of morose J. Crew cotton blend.
It had begun an hour ago, just cold rain rattling the old windowpanes. But soon it had turned to hail, and the boys had lined up to cast wary eyes over their cars parked in front of the old factory. They pressed their noses to the dirty glass, and watched with poorly concealed dread as the hail pelted their cars.
Blue joined them, calmly and methodically eating yogurt.
“They’re just cars. Gas guzzling, nature-destroying, inanimate objects.” Blue wandered back to Gansey’s bed to recline and resume reading her novel. Noah had recommended it – the first in a detective series involving sentient rivers in London and magician detectives – she was thoroughly enjoying it.
“Gansey – you have the money to fix any damage. Ronan – you have the ability to dream it all better somehow. And Adam….” she trailed off.
“Yes?” Adam peered at her over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised.
“Well…” she looked momentarily pained, and then quirked an eyebrow, “Your car is a piece of shit, so what are a few more dents?”
Everyone held their breath for a moment as the words landed. Ronan glanced sideways at Gansey who was biting his lip so hard it looked like he was about to draw blood.
Adam stared unblinking at her for a moment, before collapsing against the wall and huffing out a small laugh. “Fair.”
Blue gave him a quick smile with warm eyes. They weren’t together anymore, but she still understood him in a way the others didn’t. She new what it was to have so little, but to care so very much about what little one did have.
Gansey starfished on the floor, “I need to not be thinking about The Pig right now. Can we please do something other than watch the slow and steady destruction of the second love of my life?"
Blue finished her yogurt and set the empty container on the bedside table “I appreciate the ‘second’ qualifier.”
Gansey cast a look over at her, grinning.
“Fuck this shit… you two are turning a perfectly good hailstorm into something gross, “ Ronan pulled himself off the floor, and started towards his bedroom, “Anyway, Chainsaw is still out there… I’m gonna call for her from my room. Try not to emotionally scar Parrish while I’m gone.”
Ronan slammed the door, and as if on cue, Noah was suddenly sitting on Gansey’s bed next to Blue. Blue rolled over and hugged him, pushing her nose into his neck.
“What’s up with Scary Spice?” Noah asked, ruffling Blue’s hair.
“His car is getting pummeled by hail and he’s not taking it well,” Blue replied, nuzzling her head into his palm.
Adam pushed himself off the floor and moved towards Ronan’s door. “I’ll make sure he’s OK.”
The others didn’t respond. Adam checking up on Ronan was the natural order of things at this point. Gansey joined Noah and Blue on the bed in a cuddle heap, and Adam knocked lightly on Ronan’s door.
There was no response. Adam tried the knob and it turned easily. Ronan never bothered to lock doors. His personality was enough of an impenetrable barrier.
Ronan was sitting at an open widow, looking up into the sky. His eyes were fixed on a far off point.
“Hey” Adam said softly.
“Hey” Ronan replied. He didn’t shift his gaze, keeping his eyes on the sky.
Adam crossed the room, kicking aside dirty clothes as he made a path to the window.
“When’s the last time you did laundry?” he asked.
Ronan turned to him as Adam slid down the wall next to him. He lifted an eyebrow but didn’t respond.
“Any sign of Chainsaw?” Adam asked.
“I think I heard her… but far way. I haven’t spotted her yet.”
Adam gazed out the window, settling himself. Their shoulders touched. Ronan pulled away slightly. Adam carefully did not react, but he felt his stomach drop a bit.
What was that feeling? Disappointment? Rejection? Yes. Adam cataloged the feeling. He allowed himself to close his eyes for just a moment, to feel it, and to stow it away.
He looked at Ronan. He recognized the expression on his face now -- lips clenched in a straight line, eyebrows furrowed. Ronan was worried.
“I’m sure she’s fine” Adam said haltingly, “She’s tough… and smart… I’m sure she’s sheltered in a tree or somewhere safe, riding this out.” He looked out at the storm, tiny balls of ice still pelting down.
Ronan didn’t respond, he just clenched his jaw tighter and stared into the distance.
Adam didn’t know what to do. He knew that hailstorms usually passed quickly, and he believed that Chainsaw probably was fine – she wasn’t just a regular bird, she had her dreamer’s keen survival instinct.
He wasn’t worried about Chainsaw, he was worried about Ronan.
For all his bravado, Ronan was an exposed nerve when it came to those he loved. Adam saw Ronan’s worried heart written across his face. He wouldn’t be able to rest until Chainsaw was home and safe.
“Do you want to go find her?” Adam asked.
Ronan turned to him, surprised. “Really?”
“Yeah, I mean, we have to make sure she’s OK, right?” Adam said, eyes cast to the floor. He felt embarrassed but he wasn’t sure why.
“Yeah. Yeah… ok.” Ronan looked unsure too, but also relieved that Adam had made the suggestion.
Ronan rose from the floor and offered his hand to Adam. Adam let himself be pulled up, and found himself standing very close to Ronan. Ronan let out a deep breath that Adam felt on his cheek. He stared at the floor, unable to raise his eyes to meet Ronan’s.
“We’ll take the BMW. Maybe she took shelter in Cabeswater,” Ronan said. He spoke softly because they were standing so close.
“If you really want her to come running we should take the shitbox, she always comes flying when I show up,” Adam scoffed, smiling and raising his eyes to Ronan’s.
Ronan stilled. He turned away, striding across the room. “You know what, Parrish, forget it, I can find her on my own,” he gritted out from between clenched teeth.
The door slammed.
***
Adam sat on Ronan’s bed running through their conversation. What had he said? Things had seemed fine, normal, and then…then….
Adam fisted his hands into his hair and pulled hard. The pain focused his mind.
They were going to find Chainsaw. He made a crack about Chainsaw always coming to greet his car.
Adam squeezed his eyes shut.
He was a fucking idiot.
He should have known. He knew Ronan liked him. Ronan had been broadcasting his feelings for Adam for months. The rent. The hand lotion. The fucking mixtape.
Adam knew that Ronan had feelings for him, and he was slowly (glacially) working his way toward understanding how to reciprocate those feelings, but he hadn’t actually given much thought to Ronan’s dream creatures liking him.
What the fuck was his life?
So, he had made the crack about Chainsaw, and he had inadvertently made Ronan feel exposed and vulnerable.
Adam pushed his fists into his eyes, grinding them until he saw stars.
He had to fix this.
All of their fights lately could be traced to this, he realized. To Adam knowing more than Ronan did. It was how Adam was most comfortable, holding the upper hand, knowing the most, being in control of the situation. He had been holding back from telling Ronan how he felt about him because it would mean giving up the only power he had.
It made him sick to realize it.
Ronan didn’t deserve to be kept in the dark just so that Adam could avoid feeling vulnerable.
Adam pulled a black hoody off of Ronan’s floor and pulled it on. It smelled like him. He let himself press his nose into it. He walked to the door.
“Adam!” Gansey called from the bed. Blue was curled into one side of his chest, and Noah into the other. “Is everything OK? Ronan just stormed out.”
“Yeah, everything is fine,” Adam said as he strode to the door.
He stopped, his hand on the knob, and looked back at this friends, “I’m gonna find him. I’m gonna kiss him. I’m gonna convince him to be my boyfriend, I’m gonna bring him and his freaking bird back here. I’m gonna hopefully take his clothes off but I guess that’s up to him, and we’re not gonna see you guys until tomorrow morning.”
And with that he slammed the door.
Blue and Noah were jumping on the bed, arms raised. Gansey looked shell-shocked.
On the other side of the door Adam smiled. Finally, a plan.
***
Ronan held his leather jacket over his head as he walked into Cabeswater. The hail had turned into a cold rain. He knew it was silly to be this worried about a bird, but he couldn’t help it. Chainsaw was family.
And family, he had found, was a finite and diminishing resource.
He trudged further into the forest, calling for her. He turned back, looking down the path to where he had parked. He saw headlights pulling up next to the BMW.
Fucking Parrish. He turned back around and stepped off the path, walking deeper into the trees where he wouldn’t be seen. He didn’t have it in him to make nice. Adam would look for him, give up, and leave.
Ronan found two trees that had grown together, leaving a large enough spot for him to shelter against the rain and wait for Adam to give up and go home.
“Cabeswater….”he muttered, “Don’t rat me out… silentium.”
“Ronan!” Adam called.
Ronan watched him get out of his car and call. The rain was getting heavier. It plastered his dusty hair to his head and ran down his sharp cheekbones.
Adam pulled the hood of his sweatshirt – Ronan’s sweatshirt he noted – over his head and walked into the forest.
“Ronan!” he called again.
Ronan stayed silent.
“Ronan, I know you can hear me! Answer me! I need to talk to you!” Adam called, the frustration in his voice clear and sharp.
Ronan sighed. Fuck. Fine.
“I’m right here, dipshit!” Ronan called back.
Adam turned and saw a flash of pale skin through the trees. He stepped off the path and pushed his way through the brush until he found Ronan sitting in the tree hollow.
Ronan shifted over, leaving enough room for Adam to climb into the sheltered space with him. Neither spoke for a few long moments. The only sound was the rain falling outside the small, dry sanctuary that Cabeswater had created.
Adam finally turned to look at Ronan, “Any sign of Chainsaw?”
“No.” Ronan didn’t look up. He ran his fingers over the moss growing along the base of the tree trunk.
“You know she’s fine.”
“I know.” He still wouldn’t look at Adam, “But I have to…make sure.”
“OK.”
They sat in silence, studiously not looking at each other.
Adam cleared his throat. Ronan looked at him out of the side of his eyes, not quite lifting his head.
“Ronan…. I… “ Adam trailed off, not knowing how to finish his sentence. The bravado and sureness he’d felt as he left Monmouth felt like they had belonged to a different person.
“Oh, god….” he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut remembering what he’d said to his friends as he’d left. He’d been so sure, and now he was so scared, but there was no turning back – he’d already made the declaration, just not to the one person who mattered. He’d done it backwards like a goddamned fool.
“Adam...?” Ronan was looking at him square on now. He looked concerned.
“I…I have to tell you something…” Adam started.
Ronan just looked at him, waiting.
“I think I…. I mean, I know I have feel-“
KERAH!
Chainsaw’s screech filled the air around them. Ronan leapt from the shelter of the tree, and scanned the sky. Chainsaw’s dark shape soared above them, circling slowly down to land on Ronan’s outstretched arm.
“You fucking jerk, where have you been?” Ronan muttered.
“Kerah! Kerah!” Chainsaw cawed lovingly as she hopped along his broad shoulder. She turned her head and spotted Adam still sheltered in the tree hollow. “Atom!” She flew from Ronan’s arm to Adam, nuzzling her wet head into his neck.
Ronan rolled his eyes. “Nice. I come out to find you in the middle of a fucking hailstorm, and you ditch me for Parrish.”
Chainsaw shivered and shook herself, her wet feathers spraying Adam with cold, decidedly corvid-smelling droplets.
Adam winced. “Yeah, I feel so lucky…”
“Alright, come on you love birds, let’s get out of here,” Ronan started hiking back up towards the path. Adam followed along behind, stroking Chainsaw and making sure she didn’t alight into the sky again.
***
Ronan slammed the car door and sank back against the seat. Chainsaw was perched on a backseat headrest, preening her feathers. Adam sat stiffly in the passenger seat, staring straight ahead.
Ronan started the car and turned up the heat. All three began to relax as the warm air rolled over them.
Adam waited for Ronan to put the car in gear, but Ronan just sat looking out the window as the rain continued to pour down.
“What were you going to say before?” Ronan asked, not looking at Adam.
Adam gripped the door handle, his knuckles white.
“When?”
“You know when. When Chainsaw... whatever,” Ronan huffed out, and reached for the gearshift, “Forget it, let’s just get out of here.”
Adam reached over and put his hand on top of Ronan’s on the gearshift.
Ronan stilled.
“I was going to say… that I have feelings for you. That I like you.” Adam forced himself to look over at Ronan, to offer him his eyes even if Ronan was still staring straight ahead.
Ronan was silent.
“I have for awhile actually.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of Ronan’s hand in small circles. “And I thought that you might… like me too.”
Ronan cut his eyes over to Adam’s for the briefest of moments, catching them and then staring straight ahead again.
Adam waited.
And waited.
He was starting to think he’d read the situation completely wrong.
“But clearly you don’t, and I’m sorry. I’m an idiot obviously, and let’s just pretend this never happened, OK?” Adam’s words came out in a rushed breath. He pulled his hand off of Ronan’s, and slammed his head back against the headrest. “Let’s just get out of here... please.”
Ronan took a deep breath, and turned to him. Adam was staring at the roof of the car. He felt Ronan’s warm fingertips gently touch his chin, and turn his face to him.
“I just needed a minute to let that sink in.”
Ronan’s hand cupped Adam’s jaw and slowly pulled him towards him. He leaned in until their foreheads were touching.
“You need to know something too. I... I’m in love with you.”
Adam squeezed his eyes shut. He should have known. Ronan didn’t do anything at a normal speed. Not driving, not this. He opened his eyes and looked at Ronan. Ronan’s eyes were still shut, and his face looked pained.
“I don’t need you to say it back. I know it’s too soon. But it’s true.”
Ronan closed the last bit of space between them, pressing his soft lips to Adam’s. Adam was suddenly aware of every cell of his body, and they were all vibrating. He reached out and put his hand on Ronan’s hip and squeezed, and felt Ronan take a shuddering breath against his mouth.
“Ronan…” Adam whispered.
“It’s OK.” Ronan moved his hand to Adam’s mouth, pressing his fingertips against his lips. “You just liking me is enough. It’s everything. I’ve just wanted to tell you how I felt for such a long, fucking time, and I couldn’t keep it in anymore.”
Ronan let out a deep relieved laugh. “Fuck Parrish… you took your fucking time didn’t you?”
Adam smiled against Ronan’s fingertips, and then kissed them one by one, enjoying the way Ronan’s breath became shallow and uneven.
“Can we go home now? And maybe ditch the chaperone?” Adam asked with a grin, shrugging his shoulder at Chainsaw, quietly sleeping in the backseat.
Ronan smiled and pulled Adam in for another kiss, this one deep and fierce. Adam saw stars on the insides of his eyelids.
“Yeah, let’s go home.”