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1- Mirror.
Icy water punched his skin. Bobby had grown accustomed to freezing showers.
Recently, he had felt like he was sleepwalking through mutant-related disaster after disaster.
Freezing showers made him feel awake .
He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his shivering body. He rubbed his eyes, before taking a good look at the man standing in front of him.
His reflection didn't look like the mental image Bobby had of himself- this man was older, more worn and tired.
He was so fucking tired .
Every girl he kissed seemed to be a chance to prove his heterosexuality. Every gross pickup line, every uncomfortable date. He was normal. He didn't stand out.
Being a mutant had always set Bobby apart from others. Much like his Jewish heritage- it wasn't something you could tell at first glance. And Bobby didn't really look like a mutant, either. He passed for human fine, something which he regarded as a privilege. But he was a mutant, just like he was Jewish.
Just like he was gay.
Bobby took a hard look at the face in front of him.
“I am gay.”
Usually, he would have laughed at a situation like this- what a clichè, right?
But he'd been hiding from those three words all his life. He wasn't getting any younger, and he didn't want to spend his life bouncing from one loveless relationship to the next.
Seeing a younger version of himself, ready to take back the years Bobby lost pretending he was something else had really shaken him.
Those three words terrified him. He'd read something about it in a magazine- come out to yourself first, they said.
“I'm fucking gay.”
It felt so dumb. And God, it felt so good.
2- Girl.
He had first gotten her text two weeks ago. And at first, he was just glad she was OK. So much crazy shit had gone down since he had last seen her. He'd lost more than a couple of friends in the last few years.
And he missed her. He and Angelica were the goofballs of the team for a time, playing off each other's jokes, making light of deadly situations. Iceman and Firestar were the duo everyone wanted to hang out with.
And maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny part of him that knew it was a date. The persistent little voice in his head-
“You can still go back.”
“You can still hold on.”
“Just one more try at being normal.”
He resolved not to think about it.
✖
“You know, it is so great to see you,” Angelic remarked, for about what Bobby estimated was the thousandth time.
He smiled back at her. “And vice versa.”
She looked younger somehow- he thought maybe it was her hair, cut into a neat shoulder-length bob. Whereas he was noticeably more worn down, she carried an air of freedom around with her.
“It's crazy at the school- I only just about managed to persuade Illyana to portal me here,” Bobby said.
Angelica winced. “How are the refugees?”
“There's more and more each day… I just want things to get back to normal, you know? Or, at least, as normal as things can be with the X-men.” He sighed. He knew that there were about twenty other things he should be doing right now. But God, it was good to get away, even if he was spending the evening with his kind-of almost ex.
“It's just overwhelming, sometimes, you know?” He told her. “I kind of miss how it used to be when we were kids. Baseball matches, teenage romance and all there was to worry about was the occasional Magneto attack.”
“I forget you guys spent your teenage years fighting evil mutants. Sounds… idyllic.” Angelica replied.
He chuckled. “Well, that's one word for it. So, what's been going on with you?”
She smiled, glancing down to the floor. “I'm actually trying to stay out of trouble, this time, you know. I'm keeping as far away as I can from all that superhero shit.”
Bobby frowned. “But… it's who you are.”
“Is it? I've spent so long trying to save the lives of other people that I haven't really had time for a life of my own. So yes, I'm staying away”.
Her words seemed to cut into Bobby. He wondered- just for a second- that maybe if he hadn't dedicated his life to being Iceman, he would have come out long ago.
But he couldn't change his decision.
Just like he couldn't change the other thing.
“Angelica, there's something I need to-” he began, before being cut off by the waiter with their food.
“Linguine for the lady, Hawaiian pizza for the gentleman… and a bottle of house Champagne for the happy couple!” The waiter beamed, cheerily.
Bobby went bright red.
“Thanks, but we're not…” he began.
“But when you booked, she told us…” The waiter protested.
Angelica blushed, while the waiter sheepishly walked away.
Bobby frowned at her.
“What?” Angelica replied.
“You said- you said we were together. That this was a date.”
“Isn't it?”
“No! Yes! I-I don't know!” Bobby spluttered.
“Look, Bobby. We're two single people of the opposite gender, who like each other and get on well. Of course this is a fucking date.” Angelica told him.
Bobby sighed and bit into his pizza (can't beat pineapple). He knew he had to tell her. He'd been putting it off, bargaining with himself. Maybe there was a chance she just wanted to be friends again.
Or maybe not.
“Angelica…” He began, digging his nails into his palms. He could do it. He'd said the words before.
“I really like you. You know that.”
She blushed, smiling. “Bobby-”
“I'm sort of…” he swallowed, though his mouth was dry, “gay.”
Angelica raised her eyebrows. “Sort of?”
Bobby sighed. He had always been awful at opening up. “I'm gay. Like, completely.”
“No, you're not!” Angelica protested, on the edge of laughter.
Bobby frowned. “Angelica, I really a-”
“You've had more girlfriends than I've had friends!” She chuckled.
“You obviously don't have many friends,” Bobby muttered. He could feel his cheeks burning crimson, a rarity for a man who could turn into ice.
“Bobby, please. We're adults. Don't kid around. If you don't want to be with me, be mature about it instead of making up preposterous excuses.” Angelica said sternly, as if she were talking to a misbehaving child.
Bobby felt the lump in his throat growing ever bigger, his vision clouding with the threat of tears. If she was like this about it, someone who barely knew him, how the hell would his parents react?
Would it always be this hard?
“Angelica, I'm not-” he began.
“Jesus, Bobby, it's not that hard to just say you're still in love with Kitty or some shit like-”
“I'm gay!” Bobby yelled, standing up at the table.
The room fell into an uncomfortable silence, and Bobby sniffed, as icy tears slid down his cheeks.
Angelica stood up, hurriedly buttoning her coat.
“I'm sorry,” she muttered, leaving the table.
Bobby stumbled after her.
“Angelica-”
She picked up her pace, marching into the dimly lit street.
“At least let me walk you home!” Bobby cried. Old habits.
“I can turn myself on fire. I'm sure I'll be fine!” She spat, her tone unusually cold.
The waiter ran out of the restaurant, a mixture of anger and exasperation on his face.
“Excuse me, you haven't paid!” He bellowed.
Angelica sniffed. “My date will pay. He's awfully sorry for the commotion.”
Bobby glared at her, as she walked off into the night.
“Bad date, huh?” chuckled the waiter.
Bobby didn't tip.
- Stranger.
He didn’t go home after the restaurant. Instead, he found himself drifting aimlessly through the midnight streets. He dug his hands into his blazer pockets, looking up at the lights of the sidewalk with tired eyes. He’d heard people describing coming out as a weight being lifted. Bobby felt as if his weight had just gotten heavier. This was every one of his worst fears. He’d hurt an old friend and embarrassed himself. At least the closet was safe. At least life in the closet meant never having to do that again.
“If you don't want to be with me, be mature about it instead of making preposterous excuses.”
The words played over and over again in his head, until he eventually began to question whether they were telling the truth.
Was he making the whole thing up?
Was this his brain’s way of trying to deal with the whole mutant thing?
Sighing, he shook his head. There was no heterosexual explanation for Angel looking that good in swim shorts.
Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a colourful, loud building, with an obtrusive sign that read “ THE SHAKEDOWN ”. There was a rainbow flag hanging defiantly above the window of the building, swaying in the April winds. Bobby walked thoughtlessly towards it, joining a queue of leather-clad twenty-somethings.
He didn’t know what he was doing. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like anything, really. His heart pounded in his chest. He was suddenly aware of how much he stood out- he was older than most of the crowd, dressed in in unremarkable smart-casual attire and the only one standing alone. He shuffled forward until he reached the entrance. The bouncer was a mutant, with deep crimson eyes and scaly skin. He looked Bobby over, squinting suspiciously at him, before asking for an entrance fee. Bobby’s head raced with panic as he searched through his wallet to find a twenty. Then before he knew it, he was inside.
The club was earth-shatteringly loud, with an angry, sweaty band playing shouty punk songs. The volume alone seemed to double his heart rate. He wasn’t used to this feeling- panic was alien to a guy whose whole thing was being chill. Mutants and humans alike danced frantically around him, with a nauseating blissfulness. He’d fought more evil mutants than he’d had hot dinners but this- this was something he couldn’t possibly do. Not now. Maybe not ever.
He took a deep breath and walked back towards the door before-
“Hey!”
Bobby turned around, his heart in his mouth. A bartender wearing a spiked green denim jacket and a somewhat confused smile waved to him.
Julio Richter, growing out a patchy moustache. He was almost a stranger, a face he’d lost track of in the ever-changing cohort of mutants that came through the school. Almost.
The last time he’d really had a conversation with Rictor had been a couple of years ago when he and his team visited Utopia. They hadn’t stayed, but the memory of his somewhat flirtatious boyfriend had stuck with Bobby.
And then an older memory, from his time in X-Factor. Of Rictor, a skinny, scared Mexican kid trying to find his place in a world that didn’t understand him.
“Can’t say I saw this being your scene, Drake”, Rictor smirked, pouring Bobby out a drink, “I figured you’d take care of the ice.”
Bobby smiled weakly, before crafting two ice cubes into his whiskey. He was too hot here. “What can I say, I’m rekindling with the city. Exploration. You should try it some time.” He almost forced the words out.
Rictor raised his eyebrows, as it occurred to Bobby that his discomfort could be read as judgement, or worse: homophobia. Bobby gulped down his shot, heart pounding as it burned his throat. “What about you, earth-bender?” He asked back, trying to keep his tone steady and light. But the alcohol wasn't the reason behind his mouth being so dry.
Rictor’s eyebrows shot up even higher. “Earth-bender?”
“You’re telling me you’ve never watched Avatar ? Tragic, man,” he replied, joking nervously.
“I own the place, dumbass,” Rictor told him, proudly.
“Wait, for real?”
“Yeah, bought three months ago. There’s like five loan sharks out for my head but… yeah. Welcome to the Shakedown, NYC’s only mutant, LGBTQIA+ inclusive punk club,” Rictor beamed.
“Congrats, dude,” Bobby replied, grinning at the younger man, before adding, tentatively, “That’s a whole lot of letters.”
“Maybe you just need to brush up on your woke vocabulary,” Rictor replied curtly, taking his empty shot glass.
“So all the leather is a punk thing, then,” Bobby remarked.
Rictor chuckled, before turning around. “Yeah… but also kinda a gay thing too.”
Bobby sat in silence for a while, fidgeting, with darting eyes, while Rictor poured a spiky-haired woman a vodka.
It would be rude to leave, right? He had every reason to get back. For all he knew, Purifiers could be attacking the school as he spoke. But somehow, his legs wouldn’t let him simply get up. As scary as the Shakedown was, it was somewhat mesmerising, too. Rictor walked out from the bar, pulling up a chair at Bobby’s table.
“As much as I enjoy your company… Why are you really here, man?” Rictor asked, with a serious voice and a furrowed brow. “I mean… I’m all about inclusivity and all but… you kinda look like a middle schooler who’s just been given a surprise pop quiz.”
“I aced those quizzes, I’ll have you know,” Bobby replied. But Rictor didn’t return the smile as he pressed forward.
“It’s just, well… we don’t get many mainstream straight guys here, and that’s fine, but… But you don’t really look like you’re having a great time, man.”
His heart pounded like a drum against his chest. Rictor was an X-man. Rictor was a superhero. Rictor was close-
Was he? Rictor had always seemed more of a mutant than an X-man, and the social circles of the two men seldom overlapped. He didn’t live at the school.
Was Rictor okay?
He forced the words out, low, from his chest. “Actually, your assessment’s a little wrong there.”
“Oh? You’re trying out the punk thing?”
He almost threw the table. “...No, the gay thing.”
Rictor opened his mouth like a goldfish. “Oh.”
Bobby smiled awkwardly, averting his eyes from the other man’s gaze.
“Hey, I’m sorry, Bobby. I didn’t mean to-” Rictor started.
“It’s fine,” Bobby interrupted, "It’s not like I’ve exactly been advertising it.”
Rictor looked as though he was choosing his next words carefully. “Have… you told anyone yet?”
“You’re the third. Fourth, if you count mini-me. Which I don’t? Man, time travelling is confusing AF,” He replied, trying to skip around the subject.
Rictor placed a friendly hand on Bobby’s shoulder. “You know… I came out pretty late, too.”
Bobby scoffed. “Oh come on, you’re barely old enough to be serving these drinks.”
Rictor gave him a playful punch in the arm. “Seriously! When I told my girlfriend at the time, she told me if I was any further in the closet, I’d be in Narnia.”
“If you’re in Narnia, I’m in… I’m in fucking… Middle earth,” Bobby said.
Rictor rolled his eyes, chuckling.
“So… what changed?” Bobby pressed, his voice a little quieter.
“Shatterstar came back. I couldn’t keep my hands off him. It was less of a coming out, more of a falling out,” he replied, with a somewhat distant tone. “ Dios… if it wasn’t for him I’d probably still be in there, you know?”
“Where do I get myself a Shatterstar, eh?” Bobby teased, biting his lip.
“Mojoverse,” Rictor replied, deadpan.
“For real?”
“No shit, man,” Rictor replied, looking more comfortable joking with Bobby than he had the entire night.
Bobby hesitated before continuing the conversation. “Do you mind me asking… How do you cope with it?”
“Cope with what?,” Rictor returned.
“Y’know… being a mutant is one thing… being gay is another thing… but both? How do you do it? Like, aren’t you scared… I don’t know… that it’s too much,” Bobby rambled, painfully aware of how bad he was articulating the point. He cleared his throat. “I didn’t come out for so long because I… I wanted just… just one part of my life that could be normal, you know?”
Rictor laughed in response, almost patronisingly. “No offence, cabrón, but uh, in case you haven’t noticed I’m not just a gay mutant, I’m also a Mexican gay mutant. I’m more likely to be profiled for the color of my skin than for my genetic makeup.”
“What I’m trying to say is,” Rictor continued, “That from the moment I was born there were some people who had a problem with my existence. And maybe that got worse when my X-gene popped, or when I came out but… but I can’t change myself. I can’t change being Mexican, or a mutant, or gay. The people who need to change are the people who have a problem with that.”
Rictor leaned over the table with a curled lip before finishing. "The problem isn’t you not being normal. The problem is society’s definition of normal. And that’s not your fault. But part of coming out is un-learning all that shit, you know.”
They sat in silence for a moment after that, while Bobby processed his response.
“Thank you,” he said, sincerely, in a low, quiet voice.
Rictor grinned at him, before noticing Shatterstar arrive at the bar. Bobby watched, from a distance as the two men embraced. No one was staring, no one seemed to care. So it was possible.
Bobby left after a couple more drinks. He’d found what he was looking for.
Rictor’s words had seemed to cut through the icy exterior Bobby had spent so much of his life cultivating. He didn’t exactly feel good… but he felt a little better. After so many years of feeling like there was something so deeply wrong with him, hearing someone tell him there wasn’t helped just a little.
- Friend.
So maybe he had drunk a little too much last night. He woke up early, his conversations with Angelica and Rictor haunting him from the night before. He’d outed himself to two people. To two mutants, no less.
He poured himself a glass of orange juice.
He sat down at the breakfast bar, burying his head in his hands. He closed his eyes as the morning’s light gradually seeped through the windows.
He’d watched an exceptionally handsome man dancing from the sidelines last night. He wondered what it would be like to take his hand, embrace him. No , he definitely wasn’t ready for that. But maybe he could be, with time.
He turned around as he noticed footsteps coming down the stairs.
“Not like you to be up this early!” Ororo remarked, hands on hips.
“Wait, are you telling me you get up at five every day?”
Ororo stared at him. “The plants don’t water themselves.”
She sat down next to him with a bowl of Oatmeal. “So, Angelica called last night…” She began.
“Uh Oh,” Bobby said, “What did she say?”
“She told me to tell you she was sorry. Didn’t say what about. Only that she realised she’d been insensitive and wished you the best. Oh, and she told you she’d pay you back for the bill.”
“Huh,” Bobby replied, pleasantly surprised.
Ororo bit her lip. “I don’t mean to pry but… do you want to tell me what happened?”
Bobby looked around the room. “Not really.”
Ororo smiled kindly at him. “Okay.”
The awkwardness in the room was palpable as Ororo dug into her breakfast. Was Ororo okay? What would she say? Rictor was distant, unlikely to tell anyone else. But Ororo… Ororo had known Bobby for over a decade. Ororo was one of his best friends, and more importantly, a trusted teammate. How would she see him, after knowing the truth? Would she still think of him the same? Would she still even think of him as a friend?
Of course she would. Ororo was no homophobe. Even if she didn’t understand at first- he knew she would try to. And even if she didn’t … God, he just wanted to talk about it.
“Angelica took me on a date,” Bobby spoke up, breaking the silence.
Ororo turned to him. “Oh?” Her voice sounded optimistic.
“Don’t get all excited, I didn’t exactly realise it was a date until… Anyway, we got in a fight about it and she left,” Bobby continued, watching an icicle forming slowly in his hand.
Ororo frowned. “So… you don’t like her? I thought you two got on quite well.”
“It’s not that. It’s-”
He stopped mid-sentence, inhaling sharply.
“Ororo, I’m gay.”
Ororo froze, her eyes wide with surprise. After taking a moment to compose herself, her face softened, wearing a gentle smile.
She slowly reached out her hand across the table to grasp his.
“I… I didn’t know that about you.” she began, in a steady voice, with a slight delay between each word as if she were picking them out with the utmost care.
“That must’ve been a difficult thing for you to realise, Bobby. I hope you know it’s all okay with me.”
Bobby let out a sigh of relief. “Yeah, it was. And thanks. ”
Then, wordlessly, Ororo reached out to embrace him in a warm, safe, hug. He breathed in her floral scent, feeling more loved than he had in a while. And then, like water burst through a dam, he started sobbing into her arm. He hadn’t cried like this since he was a child- choked-up bursts that shook through his ribs. Ororo slowly rubbed his back as he covered her fluffy bathrobe in icy snot and tears. He couldn’t help himself- it wasn’t just the drama of last night. It was like- water in a bottle being frozen, expanding out against the plastic, too big to be contained, until it finally-
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” she repeated, in a quiet, soothing voice.
After a few moments, he pulled back, collecting himself.
“I ruined your robe!” Bobby exclaimed as he wiped his nose against the back of his palm.
“Nevermind,” Ororo replied as she raised her eyebrows jokingly, “although, you know we do actually have tissues here.”
He chuckled, sniffing and wiping away the last of his tears.
“Also, uh, I’m not exactly out to… well, basically everyone, so if you could-”
Ororo nodded. “Bobby, your personal life is your business and your business only. I would never.”
“Thank you,” he replied, squeezing behind.
And as they chattered through their breakfast, Ororo laughing and Bobby recovering, he realised he was breathing easier than he had in years.
- Brothers
It was 7:38 PM and the Yankees were up against the Phillies. The game was almost over, with one inning to go. Bobby and the three other men- Piotr, Kurt and Remy were sitting on the edge of their seats. The game was too close to call- the final batter was unpredictable, although it was obvious the Phillies’ pitcher was losing his nerve. Bobby clenched his jaw, as Piotr leaned towards the television and-
“Bobby. Have you seen my laptop charger?” Betsy Braddock asked, sauntering across the room, and standing right in front of the TV.
“BETSY!” All four men yelled at once. Betsy turned around, quickly scooting over. The game was lost- the batter had been caught out. The four watched as the Yankees gloomily ended the game.
“Aw, shit, now they’ve lost the league!” Remy exclaimed.
Betsy raised an eyebrow. “What is this, rounders?”
“It’s baseball !” Kurt replied despairingly.
“Huh. Anyway. My charger. Bobby, I left it in your classroom.” Betsy said.
“Maybe you could try looking for it…” Bobby replied.
“Dammit, why didn’t I think of that before?” said Betsy sarcasticaly.
“Honestly, my best bet is that one of the students took it,” said Bobby earnestly.
Betsy sighed before leaving. “Well… thanks anyway, I guess.”
As soon as she left, Remy grinned at Bobby mischievously.
“Sooo, Betsy was in your classroom, eh?” Remy, switching off the TV.
“She said she wanted to do some reading,” Bobby responded. This was true, although it felt like it shouldn’t be. Betsy had charged into his classroom as he was tidying books away for the evening. It was something related to the shady team she was on- she needed to look up something related to quantum physics, a subject Bobby had a limited amount of knowledge on. He did, however, have an abundance of books related to all fields of mathematics, so Betsy spent the night hunched over a desk, staying long after Bobby had left to go to bed.
“Likely story.” Remy teased.
“You know, she is not… unattractive ,” Piotr remarked, “Perhaps you would like to talk to her, tovarisch ?”
Uh-Oh. Bobby knew where this conversation was going. There it was. That feeling of wrong-ness he had been managing to distance himself from these past few months.
“W-what do you mean?” Stammered Bobby, his heart beating against his chest.
“I mean we gotta get’chu a girl, ice-boy!” Remy beamed.
“I’m fine as it is, thanks!” Bobby cried defensively.
“Take this the best way, mein freund , but… your last girlfriend is literally in outer space now.” Kurt added.
Bobby felt the room get colder as his anxiety rose. Could he tell them? These men were some of his best friends. Teammates. Brothers . Surely they would-
But Bobby wasn’t so sure. This wasn’t like coming out to the young punk Rictor, or the open-minded Ororo. Kurt was pretty damn Catholic. Besides from being the teenage sweetheart of his last girlfriend, Piotr was a hyper-masculine Russian. And Remy… actually, Remy would probably be okay. But Bobby couldn’t say for sure that things would stay the same between them, with Remy probably being as straight as guys come.
And then another voice. A quiet voice, one that he had managed to suppress for so many years. Just say it. Their day job was fighting evil mutants and Eldritch horrors for God’s sake, surely Bobby being into dudes was the last of their-
“The thing is.” Bobby began, in a quiet voice as he tried to slow his breathing.
“The thing is, she’s like, terrifying, dude.”
Remy frowned. “Betsy?”
“Yeah!” Bobby exclaimed. “She’s so intimidating. I mean, imagine having a ninja girlfriend!”
“You know Kitty’s technically a ninja, right?” Kurt asked.
“Yeah, but Kitty’s… Kitty.” Bobby answered.
“Fair enough. One day we’ll find the girl for you Drake. Just you wait,” Remy said, grinning as he playfully elbowed his friend.
Bobby chuckled- as Jean rushed into the room, panic written across her face.
“Guys, some kind of monster has made it through limbo- it’s attacking the school!” she yelled.
Bobby stood up, turning into his ice form. No time to think now.
But just for a moment-
He had always thought that once he’d said the words, once he’d accepted it, finally, he could start this whole new life. Get a boyfriend, go to pride, live his life as a proud gay man. And maybe one day he would. But that day wouldn’t come today. It was baby steps, of coming out, of testing the waters. In a way, being a mutant was easier because he couldn’t hide it- everyone just knew , and he didn’t have the option to stay safe and hidden.
He wasn’t the man he wanted to be yet. But he was getting there.
And that was enough.
That was okay.