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All that you suffered, all the disease,
You couldn't hide it, hide it from me.
-The Lumineers, Salt and the Sea
The 2019 season starts like this. Valtteri has a fantastic time in Australia. He wins the race, champagne pours with Lewis and Max joining on the podium. He feels hope but tries to clear his mind with focus on his objectives, after all there’s a long season still to go. Already however, things seem to be different. He’s still teammates with Lewis at Mercedes but the drivers surrounding them are changing. Charles instead of Kimi, Pierre instead of Daniel. Times seem to be changing and maybe that means that his own time has come.
His mood on the matter quickly changes however. First quickly becomes second, both in the races and in the championship. If that wasn’t enough, there has been another sharp change in his life. Sebastian and Kimi no longer seem to be talking to him. At first he didn’t really notice it, or at least chalked it up to them simply both being busy. Kimi is in a new team after all and Sebastian always has a lot of work to do for Ferrari. After a while though, it becomes undeniable. Especially when they huddle together on the bus at the driver’s parade, or move to the opposite side of the room at the driver’s meetings.
It’s understandable, really it is. Valtteri knows he has never been equal to the other two. The two were already close when he became friends with them, had a bond that he was clearly never going to wiggle his way into. When they became a couple it was almost a relief, the difference between him and them simply made more tangible. He would have thought it was for the best really, if not for his own longing. Valtteri could deal with that however, he has been for years, their friendship means everything to him and has never been something he would be willing to give up. The only thing that stops him from clinging to sadness. Now however, even that is gone.
Maybe it’s because he’s doing better than Sebastian so far this year, or maybe it’s just because they’re fed up with him clinging on. Valtteri doesn’t know the reasons and he isn’t going to confront them over it. He isn’t sure he wants to know. He doesn't think he could bare it.
All Valtteri knows is that a few races into the 2019 season, the thing he cares most about is gone. The only thing he’s been left behind is an awful cough and the flower petals in his chest.
When Valtteri realises what’s happening to him, he knows he should do something about it, he really does. After all, he knows what this is from stories and fairy tales he was told as a child. Hanahaki disease he believes it’s called and it’s a pretty simple diagnosis. Coughing up flower petals, check. Unrequited love, double check. If it’s the same as the stories he also knows exactly how this is going to play out. If he does nothing then his lungs will slowly fill up with lungs and eventually he will suffocate and die. Admittedly, that’s the worst option imaginable but the others don’t sound too great either.
Sebastian and Kimi returning his feelings would be the best option obviously but clearly even more of a fairy tale than stories of the lovelorn coughing up flowers. Besides, there’s a lot his wounded pride can stand, being widely considered the second driver of Mercedes and many worse things besides but he certainly doesn’t think he could handle their rejection to his face.
There’s only one other option, although it’s admittedly one he knows a lot less about, after all it’s not exactly a fitting fairy tale ending. Surgery is also supposed to be able to cure the disease. Cut the flowers out and the problem goes away. It’s not just the problem of the illness that goes away however, but the problem of your very own feelings. It’s probably the best option really, or at least, the only one that would actually work but Valtteri isn’t ready to face that reality just yet, unable to imagine a version of himself without his love for Sebastian and Kimi. So, despite knowing that it won’t help, Valtteri waits and he decides to do exactly nothing about his problem.
It only takes a couple of days for him to realise that his plan isn’t going to work. Even less time than he expected. Almost instantly the coughing becomes unbearable, the flowers become bloody when he spits them from his mouth and Valtteri’s chest becomes so tight it becomes exceedingly difficult for him to get through his required exercise every day. Reluctantly, but for the sake of his career and his life, he knows that another plan has to take its place.
Apparently it’s surprisingly easy, when you are a part of the world of the rich and famous, to find some dubious person who once held a medical license, to perform some dodgy surgery for a big pay check with almost no questions asked. The offer is there to have it performed almost immediately but Valtteri books it in for a few days later, still not quite ready to go down the road he knows he’ll have to take. Every so often his thumb flickers over the call button, sometimes on Sebastian’s number, sometimes on Kimi’s number. Valtteri figures he owes it to them, to himself, to at least try and tell them what is going on. Every time he does this however, his hand eventually moves to lock his phone screen. Apparently he’s petrified of having this surgery but he seems to somehow be even more scared of talking to those that he loves the most.
There’s one more race- Azerbaijan. One more race before he heads back to Monaco for his surgery on Monday.
The first practice session ends after only 12 minutes and Valtteri can’t help but feel grateful, especially since it was only car damage that caused this. Despite having managed to struggle through his various duties the day before, Valtteri is quickly realising exactly how much of a struggle it is going to be to get through all of the weekends driving. The team regroups for a while after the first practice, examining where all of the drain covers are and looking at the limited data available to them. Valtteri coughs periodically, trying his best to muffle the sound, and hide the petals in his hoodie sleeve. It works with varying degrees of success but Lewis still sends him concerned glances every couple of minutes. Sometimes, Valtteri can’t help but think to himself, it would be far more convenient if the other man hated him.
Finally they are allowed to break away, instructed to prepare for the next session. Valtteri heads straight to his driver’s room, planning to hide in there for as long as humanly possible. Unfortunately his plan doesn’t work. Lewis sneaks in behind him just as Valtteri is closing the door. Cursing to himself, Valtteri lets the Brit in before shutting the door behind them both. Before he can question what exactly his teammate is doing, Lewis speaks first.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, sounding concerned.
Valtteri wants to answer him, he really does but he knows Lewis would never let him get away with what he’s planning.
“Nothing,” he begins to say, but the statement is interrupted by a loud hacking cough.
Lewis flutters around him nervously, not knowing what to do. Eyes watering, Valtteri manages to make it to the bin in his room before letting out a few more loud coughs and then spitting out some bloody flower petals into it. After taking a couple of minutes to calm himself, Valtteri stands up straight, before trying to subtly wipe his mouth with his sleeve. That plan fails miserably however as Lewis makes his way over to the bin. He peeks inside, before reeling back in horror.
“Was that?” Lewis questions, unable to voice what it looked like.
There’s a pause but Valtteri reluctantly responds.
“Flower petals,” he says.
It causes Lewis to peer into the bin again but after another look, it’s difficult to deny that what Valtteri is saying is true.
As soon as Valtteri says it however, he realises, reluctantly, that now he’s going to need to explain exactly what’s going on. He explains to Lewis everything he knows about the disease. After some prompting he then fesses up to Lewis about Sebastian and Kimi before telling him the plan for dealing with it.
When Valtteri tells him about the surgery he has booked, Lewis recoils in shock, before speaking out against it.
“A life without love isn’t living.”
Lewis then begins to go on a long emotional spiel that sounds like the kind of thing he’d put in one of his Instagram captions. Valtteri begins to tune out but he knows that the point of what Lewis is saying is correct and as much as he still doesn’t want to confront Sebastian and Kimi, he’s fully aware that his teammate probably isn't going to give him much choice.
Lost in thought, it is only another violent coughing spell that takes Valtteri out of his own head. Instead of flapping about pointlessly this time, Lewis simply grabs the bin, placing it in front of Valtteri, before rushing out the door.
“I’m sorry but don’t go anywhere, I’ll be back soon,” Lewis calls out before the door slams behind him.
As much as Valtteri might want to run away and hide somewhere else, he realises that isn’t going to be an option. He tries to stand up and his chest tightens even further, he coughs and spits intermittently, working harder than ever to just keep breathing- in and out, in and out.
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It takes Lewis a bit of time to find them but thankfully both Sebastian and Kimi are together in the Ferrari garage so luckily it isn’t too long. Obviously the Ferrari guys refuse to let him in but thankfully Charles agrees to fetch the pair for him. He does owe the young Monegasque a favour now though, whatever that could possibly end up being. When Sebastian and Kimi step out of the garage they seem confused about seeing him there. So Charles didn’t even tell them who was looking for them, typical.
Lewis doesn’t even bother saying anything, he simply begins to usher them towards Mercedes and Valtteri. Kimi looks as though he is about to object and question what is happening. Sebastian on the other hand is concerned to see Lewis running around frantically rather than casually gliding about in his scooter. Realising that something must be wrong, he silently encourages Kimi just to follow along and find out what is happening. They make their way through Mercedes team members. No one says anything about Kimi or even Sebastian’s presence and the German is truly awed at Lewis’ power over the team. They find themselves at the door of a drivers’ room, not too surprising if Lewis needs somewhere private for them to talk. What is surprising however is the fact that they find themselves at Valtteri’s room instead. A panicked look passes between the pair.
Lewis opens the door before either of them can backtrack, he pushes them in, before closing the door behind them all. When they enter the room, Valtteri is sitting down, his breath is audibly wheezy and there is a smear of blood on his lips. Without conscious thought about their actions, both Sebastian and Kimi rush forward, before kneeling down beside him. Valtteri smiles at them both warmly, unable to react any differently even now, despite knowing that the pair have been ignoring him and that his infliction is because of them.
Sebastian grabs a tissue from somewhere, about to begin clearing up the blood, when Kimi glances down at the bin sat next to Valtteri.
“Hanahaki,” he murmurs.
Valtteri jerks his head at Lewis, urging him to leave the room and thankfully his teammate picks it up, doing as requested. Sebastian starts talking at Kimi, trying to get him to explain what it is he said and Valtteri is unable to do anything other than stare at them. Of course Kimi grew up on the same kind of stories that he did.
He doesn’t know whether it’s caused by Kimi’s utterance of the word or by the panic rising in his chest but moments later another coughing fit begins. This one is thankfully short, however that simply seems to increase it’s violence. This time, an entire flower leaves his mouth. Valtteri says nothing, knowing how croaky his voice would be and simply throws it into the bin without a word.
With a full flower rather than just the petals, it is clear to see now that it is a daffodil, despite the blood tainting the white.
Kimi says nothing. Even Sebastian has now been stunned into silence. Valtteri wants to speak but he knows his voice would struggle. Although even if he could talk, he actually has no idea what he would say. Overwhelmed, the words fail to come and Valtteri simply starts crying.
Sebastian and Kimi share a private look, something common between them that Valtteri is more than used to. When moments later however, they both move to either side of Valtteri and start comforting him, that he can’t handle. The crying intensifies, causing Sebastian’s arm to sling round his shoulder and Kimi to murmur nonsensical words of comfort in his ear. After a minute or so, Valtteri manages to gather himself enough to speak, unable to deal with their sympathies any longer.
“Leave me alone,” he says. Valtteri tries to shrug them both off but doesn’t have the strength to manage.
“Why?” Sebastian asks at the same time as Kimi speaks. “Tell us who it is so we can help.”
As though his brain has no control of the filter of words to his mouth, Valtteri starts blurting everything out, telling them the full story. When Kimi and Sebastian realise what has been going on they can barely believe it. Apparently they have missed all the signs, never believing their hope of Valtteri feeling the same way about them could be true. They pulled away as a result, not wanting their unreturned feelings for Valtteri to ruin the relationship between themselves.
Sebastian is only getting a sense of what Valtteri’s illness is through context, neither of the Finns having time to explain right now exactly what it is. All Sebastian really knows is that Valtteri feels the same and that he is ill because of them. He wonders if it is his own fault for encouraging them to pull away- an all or nothing attitude, Kimi arguing that friendship would be better than nothing.
With a deep breath, Sebastian communicates with Kimi once more, silently, through eye contact, as they often do. He tries his best to ignore the hurt look it causes on Valtteri’s face. The German remembers well when those looks were something they all shared, sometimes between all three, sometimes different pairs having their own thoughts and jokes to share with a simple look. This is the last time, he thinks to himself. The last time that these looks are used as a weapon to be used against one of them.
Almost but not quite in sync, Kimi and Sebastian both tilt their heads and kiss Valtteri lightly. As if it was planned, both of their kisses land on the cheek, yet tantalisingly close to his lips. They pull apart and those same lips part slightly in shock. Valtteri turns his head, looking between them both as though trying to discern the truth of what just happened.
“Do that again,” he says softly, suggesting he can only believe what happened if it happens once more, this time after he has pinched himself.
No shared look is required this time.
Sebastian and Kimi kiss him again. The kisses land with all three mouths brushing gently. They do it again, and again and again. Even still, after they pull away slightly, Valtteri can’t help but kiss them both individually, one each for luck. As he does so, he notices the sensations of his own body and not just of theirs. His chest feels lighter and his throat feels entirely healed from the last few days exertion. He gathers Sebastian and Kimi into a bone crushing hug and notes with relief that he feels rejuvenated, the movement causing no pain or discomfort.
All three of them feel as though this moment could last forever, so much more to be said, to be done. Before long however, they are interrupted by a sharp knock at the door before Lewis walks in.
“I tried holding them off,” he says, sounding almost sheepish. “But there’s now Alpha guys standing outside as well as Ferrari ones and I’m pretty sure they would be willing to break down the garage to have you guys back in time for practice 2.”
The three make quick plans for later that night before they all have to leave. As they walk out the door, Sebastian gives Lewis a pat on the shoulder in thanks, even Kimi gives him a smile that for him is nearly beaming. Valtteri gives Lewis a short hug and the other man returns it gratefully, relieved that he did the right thing.
When Valtteri draws away however, Lewis is unable to hide the distracted look on his face.
“Are you okay?” Valtteri questions.
Before Lewis can respond to him, evasively or otherwise, they are each called away for their own fp2 preparations. Before long they are headed in opposite directions and Valtteri resolves to ask him about it some other time.
If it takes Valtteri a good while to recall that moment, enveloped as he is in his new love, Sebastian and Kimi cherishing him all the more after everything that he’s been through, well, who exactly could blame him?