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“Patton? Mmm…Pat?”
Roman’s eyes flutter open slowly, taking in the mostly dark bedroom, a streetlight casting a faint glow outside. It’s late, nearly 3 A.M. as the clock assesses. Roman rubs at his eyes, unexplainable loneliness gnawing at him. Groggily, he turns over to face his boyfriend, unsure as to why he’d woken up babbling his name. Except Patton’s side of the bed is empty.
This isn’t entirely unusual. Patton’s sleep schedule isn’t exactly as flushed out as it should be – not to say that Roman’s is much better. It’s not out of the ordinary to find Patton watching bloopers of The Office or something of that nature. Still, Patton was with Roman when he fell asleep, and now he’s gone. Something about that just doesn’t sit right. Roman peels off the covers, sighing as he slides on the pair of slippers he keeps near the bed. Standing up, Roman remains still for a moment, wondering why Patton got out of bed before a shiver racks his body. There’s a chill in the air; maybe Patton opened a window? Roman pulls his red satin robe off the hook on the door, sliding it over his body before walking out into the living room. He walks slowly, almost cautiously into the next room, though he isn’t quite sure why.
As it turns out, the source of the cold is coming from the ajar balcony door. Patton’s sitting in a chair looking out at the city night, dressed in nothing but the sweater and boxers he’d gone to sleep in. Roman can’t help but worry for his boyfriend seeing him so lost in thought; and goodness, what if he catches a cold in that getup! That just won’t do. Roman walks through the spacious living room and out onto the balcony, setting a careful hand on Patton’s shoulder.
Immediately, Patton flinches like a frightened bird. His head swivels to look at Roman with wide, glossy eyes. He realizes it’s Roman soon enough, but he doesn’t look as relieved as Roman might’ve hoped.
“Roman! Goodness, you scared me,” Patton sputters, biting his lip as Roman bends to kiss his cheek.
“I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to frighten you. But my, what’re you doing out this late? You’ll catch your death of cold, you know.”
Roman can tell that Patton’s been crying. His cheeks are a touch too pink, even considering the temperature outside and the remanence of tears still pool in his pale blue eyes. Even so, Roman doesn’t dare bring attention to it right away. The last time he caught Patton crying he had rushed to his side, desperate to destroy anything that had caused the man he loved so fiercely distress. Unfortunately, asking had only made Patton cry harder, to a point in which he was inconsolable. He still doesn’t know what had been the matter that day, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that something is dreadfully wrong. This worries Roman to no end.
“Oh…I’ve just been thinking…” Patton trails off, his voice soft.
“Oh? What about?” He leans against the wall, the distance between them a mile-long expanse, one he doesn’t dare cross.
“Not much…” Patton mutters, his knee bouncing up and down in an unsteady rhythm. Roman bites the inside of his cheek, overcome by discomfort.
“Well, why don’t you come inside, and maybe we can talk about it if you’d like…” Roman pauses, seeing the far-off look in his partner’s eyes.
“I think I’ll stay out for a while longer,” Patton mumbles, drumming his finger against the balcony railing, “You can head back to bed, though. Don’t let me keep you.” Roman frowns.
“Well, regardless, I don’t want my prince to catch a col-.”
“- I’m not cold!” Patton snapped fiercely, tears springing from his eyes.
Oh. Realization comes over Roman in unrelenting waves of clarity. It doesn’t matter how careful he had tried to be. Something horrible has been building up inside of his boyfriend over god knows how long and now, it was out. The explosion was inevitable from the start.
“Patton…love, you’re shaking…”
“I’m fine!”
“Patton, please, talk to me,” the lithe of Roman’s voice is clinging to sincerity, not that it does much good, “I know you’re going through…something…but I don’t know what. I want to! I want to vanquish whatever’s causing you so much pain. Won’t you let me do that for you?”
Patton snivels, head hung low, tears dripping onto the ground. He holds his head in his hands, muttering lowly, almost inaudibly: “But you can’t vanquish yourself.”
Roman’s heart clenches, feeling as though the wind has been punched out of his lungs. He stars at Patton, trying to get a grip on what he’s just been told but he can’t seem to get his bearings.
“W-what?”
“Nothing. Never mind. Forget I said anything,” Patton snaps, rushing to stand up and maneuver inside. Roman, with fear and confusion gaining in volume with each passing second, grips Patton’s wrist.
“Roman – Roman l-let me go.”
“No. I can’t do that. Patton, baby, please, tell me what’s going on. I’m so worried.” There’s a plead in Roman’s tone, something rare for him. Patton wriggles in his grasp, desperate for escape.
“Let me go! G-get off of me! Get away!!” As Roman’s hand uncoils from Patton’s wrist, Patton lets out a gasp as he bolts into the apartment as quickly as his legs will carry him back to the bedroom. The slamming of the door rings in Roman’s ears.
Roman feels as though he’s been set ablaze, his chest burning tenderly. Feeling stricken with sudden illness, he leans against the wall in an effort not to collapse. The knowledge that Patton had looked at him as though he was a beast nearly brings him to the ground. He stands there for a moment in the cold, his mind swimming with possibilities as to why Patton has said and done what he had. Eventually, pajamas aren’t enough against the frigid air and he comes back inside. Roman forgoes turning on the lights, sitting along in the darkness.
He wishes he could fall asleep. Slumber, if only for a little while, could wipe away all that has just happened. The hurt he feels could be numbed, subside. Of course, he can’t fall asleep, though. Not after that.
Roman’s left with some time to think before he goes entirely insane with worry. He thinks back on when he and Patton had first met, in the little café Patton owns. It had been passed down from his father, a small, quaint little place that was nestled near the theatre that many of Roman’s first plays were held. It always smelled of sweetness and felt more like home than most other places; much like Patton himself.
At the time, Roman had just caught his big break and was enjoying his first taste of stardom in plays on Broadway. In the nearly two years he would also acquire rolls in film, making a fitting name for himself. Roman Prince was becoming well-known in his profession, so much so that it wasn’t uncommon to get offers from…suitors, of sorts. At first, Roman basked in the attention, flocks of men often in his apartment. He was revered, and the attention was a potent intoxicant. However, it didn’t take long for the exhilaration to ware off. All of the boys he was with were one-night-stands for the most part, nothing concrete. There was no future in any of those people, not that he wanted one. They were a substitute, he later realized, nothing but a distraction he could no longer tolerate.
Roman took a break from being the front page of the tabloids for a while, a lonely but necessary choice. He wondered for some time if there was that “perfect somebody” for him, considering he had been so liberal with who he was with before. Could he be with the same person for the rest of his life and be fulfilled? That question was answered almost immediately after he met Patton in his café, powdered sugar smeared on his freckled cheeks. Patton had been flustered when Roman had asked him out, recognizing him from his plays, as many did. Roman himself, the romantic charming man he was, was more than a little flustered talking to a creature so divine. It took only a few dates before he was sure Patton was the one.
Once again, Roman was back in the media, this time on the arm of a boyfriend who no one had ever heard of who had no claims in the entertainment industry. Roman didn’t care that Patton wasn’t some actor or model, he didn’t need that from his significant other. He fell in love with Patton for who he was, plain and simple, and he wanted to give him the world. Roman took things fast with their relationship. How could he not when Patton was so wonderful? He showered him with affection, buying Patton loads of presents, taking him to glamorous vacations, and being the first to say, “I love you.”Never in his life had Roman been so happy, and it showed. Patton was everything to him, and he wanted to prove that to him in every way he knew how. They moved in together early on – it had taken some convincing; Patton had been hesitant.
Now they’ve been together for nearly two years and everything had seemed perfect.They live together in an apartment with a gorgeous view, Roman’s with a man he loves more than anything in the world, his career has been flourishing and Patton’s business has gone up what with his influence of dating a celebrity. There’s even been talk of them getting a dog together.
Roman has been beyond happy and Patton…well, he’s appeared to just as happy for a while. He’s such a kind, gentle man, always so radiantly positive. He’s full of corny jokes and seldom fails to make Roman smile or anyone else for that matter. Sometimes it seems like there isn’t a trouble on his mind.
Recently, however, Roman has seen a different side of his lover. Patton’s been much more distant, his smiles forced. It’s been clear that something is the matter, but Roman thought that Patton would feel comfortable telling him anything. He’s brought it up a few times, ending in Patton becoming upset and quiet. Roman has become desperate wanting to be able to fix whatever was wrong. Of course, he knows it’s impossible for Patton to be happy all the time. But still, even knowing that, he never guessed that things had gotten so bad.
What did I do wrong? The question repeats like a mantra in Roman’s mind. He can’t figure it out, but clearly, whatever it is, it’s bad. Patton’s hurting and he doesn’t have a clue what to do. What kind of boyfriend is he if he can’t even comfort his love? Uneasiness and self-doubt eats at him until he’s desperate to do something, anything, to ease it. Suddenly, he rises to his feet, prepared to break down the door if necessary before he hears a creak. Roman freezes, watching silently as Patton emerges from the bedroom with tears in his eyes.
“Patton…” Roman breaths out, stepping cautiously towards him. Patton snivels, lowering his head.
“Roman I’m…I’m sorry. I didn’t…I – I shouldn’t have said that. Please, just ignore me.” Patton shivers as Roman dares to step close enough to touch Patton’s tear-stained cheek, resting his hand there as Patton squeezes his eyes shut.
“Darling, no. God, I could never ignore you. Something’s wrong and clearly, I’m to blame,” – the words feel raw and broken in his throat, like swallowing shards of glass. Roman pushes through the pain despite himself – “but I want to know why. It hurts me…seeing you so upset.” Patton’s tears dampen his hand as Patton sniffles, emitting a sob.
“No…no please don’t blame yourself. D-don’t let me hurt you I…I don’t want to hurt you.” Patton’s legs wobble, no longer fit to hold up his body as he collapses into Roman, who quickly picks him up and carries him to the couch.
“There, there, my sweet prince,” he says, a somber smile playing across his lips as he presses a kiss to Patton’s cheek and sits next to him, “Everything’s going to be okay. I know it will.” The truth of the matter in actuality is that Roman is terrified. He’s miss-stepped, though he doesn’t know how, and things are worse than he ever could’ve known. For the first time in a long time, he’s truly afraid. Despite this, Roman has to be brave. For Patton’s sake. Patton shakes his head, tears streaming down his face.
“N-no…no I’m just…just so scared.” Roman tilts his head in confusion as he reaches out to take Patton’s hand, lacing their fingers together.
“What’re you afraid of, Pat?” Patton bits his lip nervously, glancing around the room. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Roman cautions, eager to ease his boyfriend’s nerves as much as he can, “There’s nothing to worry about. Please, dearest, I just want to know what I might be doing…wrong. I want to know why you’re scared.” Patton shakes his head, his grip on Roman’s hand tightening slightly.
“But y-you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s all me…I’m just being silly.”
“Patton, don’t go and say a thing like that. You aren’t being silly.” Patton sniffles, moving to bury his face in Roman’s chest, getting the closest he’s been in weeks, and whispering softly into the fabric of his t-shirt:
“When does it end?”
Roman frowns, confused, and running a hand through Patton’s soft curls.
“When does what end, Pat?” Tears soak into Roman’s shirt as Patton holds tight around his middle.
“This…us. When…when does it end? When…when will you stop…” Patton snivels, clinging tighter, desperately, “…stop being mine?” The sentence seems to cut Roman in two, a hot knife slicing him down the middle.
“Patton – no, no I’m yours. I’ll always be yours. Darling, sweetheart, you’re mine, you’re the love of my life, mi amour. Why – why would you ever think overwise?”
“B-because, you’re so much better than I am. You’ve got s-so much talent and…and everyone loves you. I wonder what…what you’re doing with someone,” Patton shivers in Roman’s arms, “someone like me. I’ve been wondering when this will end…when you realize you’re so much better than this.”
Roman’s grip around Patton tightens as he cradles the man like he’s the most fragile thing he’s ever held, his heartbeat an unsteady drum in his chest. How could he be so blind to Patton’s suffering? What a fool he is.
“Patton,” he starts after a long moment of uncomfortable contemplation, “I’m so sorry you would ever get the impression that you’re anything other than absolutely wonderful. I love you, darling. More than anything you’ll ever know. I wish – god, I wish I’d known you’d been feeling this way.” Patton sniffles within Roman’s arms, shaking his head.
“It’s not your fault, Ro,” his voice comes out low and sad, “It’s mine. I suppose I should’ve told you I just… I was so scared.”
“No, Patton. Don’t blame yourself for your feelings. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Yes, I have,” Patton sniffles. “I’ve upset you…”
“Sweetheart, you don’t need to worry about that,” Roman says, carding a hand through Patton’s hair, “I promise you don’t. What matters is how you’ve been feeling. Mi amour, would you look at me?” In the dim light Patton looks up from Roman’s chest, his eyes still glistening with tears. Roman cradles his face in his hands, holding him gently. “Patton, you’re the love of my life. You are the most perfect, kind, beautiful, exceptional person that I have the pleasure to call my boyfriend. You will never need to worry about losing me or this ending. As far as I’m concerned, you’re it for me, baby. You’re the one I want, and I love you so, so much, and I’m truly sorry if I haven’t expressed it enough to you.”
Patton lets out a watery giggle, a sound so angelic it seems to melt away some of the pressure of the evening, saying softly, “I love you too, Roman. I really, really do. I just…I mean, I assumed you might…I – I don’t know, get bored or…”
“I could never get bored of you, sweetheart. Never ever.”
Roman cradles Patton on the sofa for the rest of the evening, saying as many sweet, encouraging things as he can before they both fall asleep. The conversation doesn’t heal all wounds, but the couple finds themselves in a much better place by the morning.
Eventually, Patton begins seeing a therapist to help deal with his self-image and depression. Roman is insanely proud of his boyfriend for having the courage to get help and work on his mental health. From there on out, Roman is positive to make sure Patton knows that he is loved and cherished more than anything. The night’s conversation, no matter how grueling at the time, opened the flood-gates for some very important improvements in communication between the couple. Roman will always be grateful for that.
With time, things settle down a bit. They get that dog they talked about, naming him Puffball, and things are better than ever before. It comes as no surprise by the time that Roman proposes, having known since the early days going to the coffee shop that Patton is the best thing that could’ve happened to that. It nearly makes Roman cry thinking about how with time, Patton knows his worth to be true.