Work Text:
Sometimes Eda wonders if she’d make a change if she could.
It’s not easy being the most powerful witch in the Boiling Isles, contrary to belief. Sure, she could annihilate most opponents with a circling gesture of her finger… maybe TWO fingers if the situation called for it. But she’s made plenty of enemies, and taking them down, one after the other, gets weary after a while.
Some of those enemies she has no regrets about challenging, and others she wouldn’t choose to make amends with even if given the chance. The Emperor’s Coven wants Eda to join even after all her years of mischief and deviancy, or at least Lilith does.
But she won’t join anytime soon, because she’s seen too much to forget it. She could never just ignore what happened, and maybe those memories will always be a part of her.
And does Eda regret that? Does she sometimes go to sleep, and imagine what it would’ve been like if what had happened, hadn’t happened?
Time is a finicky thing, but… say she suddenly went back. Or, her younger self, that youthful, reckless, naïve optimistic prototype of the Owl Lady, what if she were to peer into the future? She was never a member of the Oracle track back then, but you never know what may happen.
If she saw what she’d become, without knowing why it came to be that way… would that younger Eda continue down the path she was on?
She didn’t worry as much back then. Eda didn’t have a curse, and when she did, it wasn’t as prevalent. Just an elixir every month or so did the trick, her predicament may as well have not existed. It still did of course, and Eda hoped being in the Potions Coven could help with finding a permanent cure. Regardless, Eda’s every waking moment wasn’t concerned with the curse, and she didn’t always have constant nightmares and dreams alluding to what had happened to her.
Instead, she had other dreams- Simpler dreams for simpler times. Joining the Emperor’s Coven, becoming part of the peak and pinnacle of society itself. It wouldn’t be a lonely route, either- There were many others just like her, although none could compare to her own sister Lilith. Lilith wasn’t as proficient as Eda, sure, but they were close and they shared their dreams together. They could still get along and hang out with one another without both constantly looking over each others’ shoulder for them.
Eda couldn’t say the same now. Amidst her… complicated relationships, rejections, and other incidents on the run and from enemies, Eda sometimes misses those older days. They used to be so much simpler and fun, none of that stuff that mattered now –morality, ethics, individuality and the freedom of magic- mattered then. Back then, it was just about Eda and occasionally those she cared about, getting through the world, being whoever she wanted to be. There were a million pranks Eda performed and she barely got a slap on the wrist for them. Nothing had consequences, she could just be a misfit and a weirdo without consequence.
If things had gone just a little differently… What could have been then?
If Eda hadn’t been cursed. If those incidents never happened, if she just closed her eyes or never heard a thing to begin with, where would she be now? Would she be leading the Emperor’s will herself, Lilith faithfully by her side, supporting her every step of the way? Would Eda be at the peak of society, of position, power, prestige, and all of those other things? Could Eda be who she was, or at least a version of herself she could enjoy, and be admired and not despised?
Every once in a blood moon, Eda catches herself thinking, what if it hadn’t happened- That she just turned the other eye and went down her original path, became a proper member of society and reaped the benefits of the Coven System with Lilith? Eda wasn’t the only one who was left alone by her own decisions, after all.
Access to the finest resources and research in the land… Maybe her hair would not be so gray and her fang not so gnarled. She wouldn’t have to ball her hair up into a cloak every time she went out, and if someone was out for her blood –not that it’d happen often on this alternate path- she’d have an entire coven of witches by her side. Conventional friends, without any messy issues or defects to deal with.
She wouldn’t become a beast, be degraded to an animal and treated as such. Eda wouldn’t be a freak, her magic could be allowed to explore its fullest potential, without these constant hindrances and transformations. She wouldn’t be tainted, Eda would be pure and perfect.
Eda chastises herself for thinking of such things. Because even if she never saw what she saw… Even if that curse had never happened… What the Coven System did would still exist. The world didn’t exist entirely within her point of view, her life wasn’t within a void. Others’ lives existed, and there were those who suffered from the system regardless of whatever variables happened.
As tempting as it might be to take back those decisions… Eda looks around and decides that she can’t. That as unpleasant as her situation is, it’s always better than the alternative.
But that’s not saying much- Even if her situation is the best option available, Eda isn’t always sure if it’s a good one either. Being alone, disliked. It’s easy to have your own self-esteem and she’s always had that confidence in herself. Eda doesn’t need the support of others… But at the same time, support doesn’t sound so bad either. And a lack of support is one thing, but constantly being ridiculed? Despised, looked down upon, outcast by others and even her own family as a freak and a misfit, a rabid animal that needed to be put down? It didn’t help…
The curse is worsening, and Eda wonders if the Emperor’s Coven could’ve fixed, or at least slowed, her affliction had she been the perfect person. Was her personhood, individuality, and morality worth the price for her current lot, for her shortening existence?
It seems that there never was an ideal path for her. Be an individual, do the right thing and get chased away and deemed a freak, and eventually wither away into obscurity as a beast and a shell of her former, sharp-witted, talented mind? Or, be a slave to the system, reaping power and privilege, status and adoration from even distant strangers… But at what cost, and whose cost at that?
Did it even matter? Eda forsook the Coven System and abandoned the ‘traditional’ ways of life because it emphasized conformity and hierarchy, and took away individuality. But now, as a criminal for rejecting the Coven System, Eda was slowly devolving into a beast, losing her mind… Losing her individuality anyway.
It’s frustrating and not fair, and Eda rebelled because it wasn’t fair in the first place! But it’s still not fair for her! Maybe… maybe she made a mistake. Sometimes Eda looks into her reflection, or gazes back at her shadow, and sees a different kind of Eda… One that has no curse, isn’t some good-for-nothing troublemaker, is beloved by all and is everything her childhood dreamed to be. Someone that wasn’t so difficult to love. An Eda with no problems, no concerns, no worries whatsoever. It all looks so easy and comforting.
Then Eda looks around her house. It’s not ideal. It was made from the ruins and fragmented pieces of a tower, more of a scavenged corpse than anything else. Hooty is talkative and dimwitted, frequently annoying, and most of the time she only keeps him around because she HAS to.
King can be whiny, petulant, and full of hot air. Some may even argue that he’s a liability to Eda, unable to provide any defense whatsoever while taking up food and space. They argue, get into squabbles, and even if Eda has won every dispute, their friendship still has its downs.
And then there’s Luz… Teaching a witch amidst everything else going on in her life is already hectic. But Luz can’t even do magic the regular way, she lacks a bile sac and has to rely on ancient glyphs! Eda knows it’s frustrating for Luz, but it’s scary for her as well… And amidst the growing curse and her own doubt in her choices, Eda is starting to wonder if she’s the right teacher for Luz after all. If Eda messed herself up, then why should she stay around Luz and potentially ruin this kid, ruin Luz’s chances, dreams, and potential?
Maybe that was why she never told them, at first. What if they were just with her, because no other option was left? Eda didn’t want to hurt them, anymore than she wanted to have hurt and ruined herself. She couldn’t let them know, let them get involved or in trouble, or… or even push them away. Eda has already hurt a lot of people… She could easily blame the curse for how off-putting she is, but maybe it’s just a reflection of who she always was- A bully, a troublemaker, an ungrateful brat that’s grown into a criminal. For all Eda knows, the curse merely revealed what was always there.
Maybe… maybe she deserves this.
Eda feels like a freak, a lot more than she’d like to admit. She’s haunted by a lot of missed opportunities, unseized chances and forsaken decisions. She knows it’s all relative and pointless to wonder what could have been- Sure, she’d never meet Luz or King or Hooty if she’d never gone down this path. But what friends down the conventional path had she missed out on, taking the life of rebellion and criminals? Who knows how many opportunities Eda has missed out on, how many things have slipped through her fingers’ grasp without her even knowing it? Sometimes it haunts her at night, the chances and dreams she’d lost from just sitting there passively.
Maybe there was even a third path, between conformity and deviancy, that she could’ve taken! One with none of the drawbacks of the latter, but with all of the benefits of the former! If she’d just been better, hadn’t been a dumb freak who tried to cope with being a reject by embracing that role, only for it to backfire by becoming a wanted criminal! Then maybe Eda could’ve done so much more, BEEN so much more than the Owl Lady who sells human trinkets on the weekends and potions in-between.
Because, what else was there for her? What reasons did she have to live? Was she just… surviving at this point, staving off the death of herself and her identity, more than she was enjoying existence?! She could’ve had dreams… She once had one of being in the Emperor’s Coven. What has Eda ever accomplished? What purpose does she have now, after rejecting the one offered to her by the Coven System? She thought she could build her own identity, but maybe… Maybe Bellows was right. Alone without any support as a criminal, Eda couldn’t figure out what to do with herself.
Is this why the Coven System was made? To prevent misfits, slackers, and losers like Eda from wandering about, wasting their lives on senseless things, with no grand purpose? Surely Bellows couldn’t be right… After all, so much of Eda’s trouble came from the Emperor’s Coven not respecting her desire for individuality, not the individuality itself!
Right?
Eda couldn’t have made a mistake… Could she?
Didn’t she do the right thing…?
Perhaps Eda has merely deluded herself into thinking she’s fine with this, in order to cope with her losses and failures. And even if it WAS the right thing, rejecting the system…
Was she actually happy about it? Or was she doing everything because she had a moral obligation to… Did Eda really enjoy this? Did she believe in it? Is she only doing this, because it’s too late, and even if she accepted Lilith’s offer to join the Emperor’s Coven, they’d never accept her, or she’d just mess it all up anyway like she always has?!
Why bother? Why caring about other misfits and freaks and deviants, when her sole act of defiance has done next to nothing against the system? Eda wanted to make a message, but has she actually communicated it to anyone, or has she just shown the world that they were right to want to contain and control her? Had her personal rebellion just been for nothing? If it hadn’t made a difference, then maybe Eda should have joined the Emperor’s Coven after all, maybe she should’ve just kept quiet, shut up, and did as she was told.
She wasn’t always like… this. If she’d made the right decisions, listened to Lilith and the others, Eda might not have become this. She laments her misplaced youth, all the time and talent and chances wasted, when she should’ve been studying and listening like she’d been told to…
…No, don’t be silly. She could never go back, back to that toxic environment. It’s a good thing she cut off ties with it, that kind of system hated Eda and others like her. What would have been the point, living as someone else? Even if Eda could go back to those days and to that system, she still wouldn’t…
So why does she wish she would?
Maybe there was no ideal victory for her. That no matter what Eda chose to do, she’d just end up as a messed-up freak. Either a mindless monster, or a mindless impersonation of something else. She’s not usually scared for herself, but when she is…
Eda asks herself, what could have been…?
…And then she gets interrupted when King trips on the end of a carpet and impersonates a tea kettle to cope with his anger. It’s undignified that Eda’s deep, pretentious introspection should be so easily shattered and made a fool of by this… She shouldn’t be laughing at King’s tantrum, but at the same time, King shouldn’t be making such a high-pitched squeal! It’s nobody’s fault… so Eda can’t be blamed for enjoying his shriek of rage!
This, this is all improper… But Eda enjoys it nonetheless.
Luz comes barging in, with some new incident she’s caused, or some new discovery like some oozing, fanged worm she wants to keep as a pet, but it’s actually a demon slated to metamorphosize into a flesh-melting monster. Always getting into trouble with the authorities, Luz seemed to have a knack for misadventure. Even if she tried her best to be proper and dignified and serious, she just couldn’t- Her real self had to show eventually.
It, it kind of reminded Eda… of herself, actually. Eda gets suddenly scared, because what if she messes up and ruins Luz’s chances, the way she did for herself? What if Luz becomes just like Eda? It’s why she enrolled Luz in Hexside, because maybe Bump and the others know better!
…But then she sees Luz, with her two weird friends and that stuck-up kid that Lilith mentors. Even before Luz enrolled, she seemed to get along just fine with them, making friends when she’d been alone in the human realm. Making friends in places that Eda hadn’t.
Eda doesn’t want to mess Luz up… So, maybe instead of spending all day terrified of what she might do wrong, maybe Eda needs to actually get up, and focus on doing what’s right? She wondered earlier if there was some mediation, some middle-ground between being a comformative cog in the machine, and an outcast rejected by society. Eda couldn’t get that for herself… But maybe, just maybe, she could get that for Luz?
Likewise, while Luz sometimes comes across as needy to Eda, she’s also there for her in so many other ways. At the Conformatorium, fighting Adegast and rescuing Eda from herself. Eda has messed up so much already and doubts herself, but then Luz continues to look up to her and believe in Eda. Why would she do that? What, really, was so special about Eda, when everyone else was special anyway? Luz didn’t have to live like this, and surely living with Eda made learning magic harder when she was in some ways a criminal. Why did Luz so stubbornly insist on being with Eda?
Why did King insist on looking out for Eda, when looking out for his powerless self was already so challenging? Why did Hooty continue to defend the house, even when Eda had expressed annoyance at him so many times?
When Luz and King saw Eda as what she really was, a slavering beast and a monster, they still stuck around. They still stayed, even though there was nothing to gain from this curse, even though Eda was now the liability and danger to them!
When things go south, Eda is among the top priority for them to turn to, and vice-versa. What did they see in her, and what did she see in them? An attempt at a family of sorts, to make up for the one she should’ve had with Lilith and the Emperor’s Coven?!
Occasionally Eda feels like a shallow, bootleg impersonation of the person she was supposed to be. An unfulfilled prophecy of greatness, a broken promise of dreams. Is this all her life is, an attempt to get back at what she wanted, while never having the real thing because of all of the ethical issues and wrongness that came with it?
…Maybe not. Because if one thing was certain, her attempts at a ‘family’ of sorts were nothing like what she might’ve gotten, had she never rebelled. It wouldn’t be the same- And that should be the point, right? Why was she so fixated on what could've been?! Despite that other potential life of hers having never lived, Eda would occasionally mourn for it as if it had died.
But then… one sunset, Eda is there with Luz and King, riding on Owlbert, as they gaze into the cooling horizon. She looks at the Boiling Isles, and up-close it’s so easy to focus on the smaller details, the littler imperfections and flaws. But when she steps back and looks at it as a whole, sees every facet, both the wondrous and hideous…
…It’s beautiful.
And with Luz and King on either side of her, Luz’s head resting comfortably, reassuringly on her shoulder, bright and happy and full of belief in Eda and everyone else… King by her side, through thick and thin and with her to the very end, beginning to yawn as he inevitably dozes off, because he and Luz feel safe, they feel at home around this wanted criminal…
Eda thinks, maybe this isn’t so bad.
In fact… what she has going on, right now, is pretty good. Maybe even great! Yeah, they were all misfits and weirdoes, freaks and the undesirables of society, utter trash. But they were in this together, weren’t they? Others didn’t understand… But the people right beside Eda did, and they understood so much more about her than anyone else could have, in any other timeline or possibility.
When she woke up and realized Luz and King had seen her curse, she thought it was it. But they’d barely even batted an eye, had they, and kept trusting her when she hadn’t trusted them. They saw Eda at her worst, fangs and all in the most literal sense, and decided that yes, they’d stay with her.
At this point, they weren’t staying with Eda just because she was the only option they had… not after seeing the threat she posed. No, they chose Eda, because to them she was the bestoption, out of any option, even the most outlandish and out-of-reach ones! More than that, Luz and King wanted to help Eda… as she helped them.
And then seeing that foolhardy, reckless faith they so unconditionally put into her, those two troublemakers… Eda suddenly knows she did the right thing, because it’s their judgment she trusts more than anyone else’s, more than any wise vision from an Oracle or the esteemed opinion of even the Emperor.
She’d give anything for those two messes- Even that other life she missed out on, especially it. And if it was for Luz and King… Then Eda was fine with giving away her own life with them as well.
As Eda exhales, feeling her age and the weight of her past and decisions, every moment and memory that’s led to this single, quiet, darkening moment in front of the sun, she remembers each choice she chose and why she chose it.
She remembers why she made those decisions, why she went down the path she did… And Eda reaffirms to herself, more confident than ever, that she made the right choice, that she wouldn’t change a thing. Yes, there were lives she undeniably missed out on… But Eda could never bear to let go of what she has now, now that she’s lived with it. Let that other, alternate vision of herself perish, or be relegated to fun what-if scenarios. No point in dwelling on what she could have had, when Eda already has plenty of things right now that she enjoys!
Because right now, Eda’s got no regrets. She considered what could’ve been, looks at what is, and then knows for sure she made the right choice. Now, Eda thinks that given the chance to change anything from her past, she wouldn’t change a thing- And she feels certain that if that younger, foolish, idealistic version of herself saw the future, saw the path she was fated to take…
…She thinks that the younger Eda would’ve kept to that unusual path anyway, even more confident of where she was heading this time.
Eda used to wonder what could have been… But now she wonders, what could be, right now?