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Sukea is a foolproof disguise; the sharingan ensures it. A wig and makeup might suffice in Konoha, where the consequences of detection are trivial, but not in an enemy village. Certainly, Kakashi has gone to great lengths throughout his life to hide himself. Losing his favoured persona to a shinobi of his own village would be embarrassing, especially as Sukea depends on the use of Kakashi’s actual face, but the consequences are no less trivial. In Iwagakure, however, the discovery of Kakashi’s identity would be a bad time for all parties involved. He’s not here to cause a scene, or kill anyone, or have himself be killed. In the past, he has underestimated Iwa’s shinobi and paid the price. Not this time. He isn’t keen on the idea of limping halfway across the continent with Iwa coyotes on his tail - again.
It won’t come to that. The sharingan’s genjutsu is some of the most powerful in the world and in Iwa, at least, it’s unmatched. Kakashi has lived within Iwa for three days now. He lives Sukea’s life - all of it fabricated, of course, woven around him in a genjutsu so strong that he could convince himself if he isn’t careful. It’s a danger he’s diligent to avoid. But high risks reap high rewards, and everything from Sukea’s smile to his uniform, and the scuff-marks on his headband, is convincing. It has to be. On a solo infiltration mission, there’s no-one else to pick up the slack.
Luckily for Kakashi, Iwa specialises in breaking seals, not illusions. And that’s why he’s here.
He flashes his ID for entry into the restricted section of the library. It’s a genuine ID, even if the method of obtaining it was… less so. The genjutsu masks his chakra signature, warping his lightning-affinity into fire. It means he’s chidori-less for the foreseeable future but there are other ways to escape a scrap. There’s only one other shinobi in this part of the library and there are just as many kunai scattered about her desk as books. Tenten doesn’t glance up from her work. Good. Gai’s little duckling won’t recognise him in this disguise, but even with the sharingan, the less people that notice him, the better.
Kakashi picks up where he left off the day before - researching seals. Iwa isn’t Uzushiogakure and its sealing knowledge will never compare. But Konoha’s is laughable. With Minato and Kushina dead, and Jiraiya off training Naruto, Konoha’s seal masters currently total zero. There are sealing experts and those that dabble in the style, yes, but their knowledge isn’t enough. Kakashi included. It isn’t making seals that he’s interested in, anyway, but breaking them. Kushina may have known how to slap together a seal to create anything she could dream of, but she rarely needed to take them apart. Minato-sensei was better at it - but he’s been gone a long time. All that remains of his teachings is a garbled, post-traumatic mess in Kakashi’s head. That’s no help to anyone, least of all Konoha.
Kakashi bee-lines to the shelves. In Konoha, Sukea is usually a semi-retired, rather harmless shinobi with a knack for photography. Out in the field, Sukea is whoever Kakashi needs him to be. Currently, he’s the only remaining member of the Ikarashi family, an average shinobi with an average lifespan, who strives to learn the ways of the seal-breakers and achieve something worthwhile in his life.
Two of those things are even true.
Kakashi settles at one of the larger tables, spreading his collection of books and scrolls. He’s yet to see Iwa’s library even half-busy. The village must be focused on retrieving its two wayward jinchūriki. Jiraiya had warned Kakashi of the Akatsuki, the jinchūriki-hunters, before whisking Naruto away. A warning like that from anyone else would have Kakashi rolling his eyes. But Jiraiya is a master at working deep undercover and his insights aren’t to scoff at. These Akatsuki must be well-equipped to hunt jinchūriki. If Iwa hasn’t located the Four and Five-Tails yet, and Konoha intelligence says it hasn’t, then it probably never will.
Kakashi thinks of Rin, who died a weapon, and of Naruto, growing up alone. He thinks of Kushina, the jinchūriki hidden in plain sight, sacrificed by her village and controlled by her home, who found freedom in her friends and her family and unleashed a monster on them all.
If this was a gentler time, perhaps the jinchūriki should run away.
But this is not that time. War is on the horizon. Konoha is still recovering from the Sound invasion and her defences are weak. Kakashi can’t stay in Iwa much longer, so he must gather as much intelligence as he can. Hopefully his efforts will amount to something - this time.
His efforts are usually for nothing. Sasuke’s desertion is a raw wound right in the heart of his chest.
Focus, Kakashi tells himself, switching to a different scroll. Hidden under his contacts, his sharingan swirls, memorising the text. He’ll have a migraine once he’s done but it’s a small price to pay. Photographic memory wasn’t an expected side-effect of Obito’s eye but it’s come in handy. After all, it’s easier to escort confidential information across enemy lines when it’s preserved word-for-word in his head. Harder to steal a jōnin than a roll of paper.
At the two-hour mark, Tenten starts throwing kunai into the ceiling. At the first thunk!, a long-suffering librarian sticks his head around the shelves and decides not to get involved. Kakashi watches Tenten push chakra into a scroll and summon the weapons back, her frustration mounting. She must also be researching seals, he realises. Spatial seals - like the ones that store weaponry - are more his area of expertise. Considering Minato-sensei all but mastered spatial-temporal seals for his flying thunder god technique, Kakashi would hope to have some knowledge in the area. He wonders what Tenten is testing as she seals a handful of shuriken into a pocket of space.
Helping her is a stupid idea. He’s not her sensei or her comrade. It’s possible she’ll accept advice from Sukea but the whole point of the disguise is to pass unnoticed. The mission is more important than whatever ridiculous attachment he has to an enemy team. Plus, Gai’s ducklings are a stubborn bunch. If Tenten hasn’t sought her out sensei for advice, then why would she want Sukea’s?
Kakashi wonders, idly, if she’d be more amenable if he looked like himself, but he dashes the thought. To Tenten, he is still a weird, enemy shinobi who occasionally gets her sensei into trouble. He’s certainly more attached to Gai’s team than he should be, but they probably don’t feel the same about him.
Kakashi’s own ducklings don’t seem to like him half the time, so why would Gai’s?
He shuts his book. If his mind insists on wandering, then there’s little use sitting around here. If he times it right, he could sneak by another council meeting and listen-in for news on the jinchūriki. Most of Iwa’s shinobi are protecting the borders, and its ANBU - the SUMMIT operatives, which are Kakashi’s true concern - are even further afield. That’s their mistake. All that’s left in the village are the chūnin and genin, and he can slip by a few lazy door-guards in his sleep. With Sukea’s credentials, they may even let him past.
It’s a crazy idea but - he’s done crazier things. He’ll deserve a long bath with Icha Icha after this.
He tidies away the books and scrolls - except one. He leaves this on the edge of Tenten’s table, dodging a kunai as he does, and smiles at her befuddled expression. He can’t help himself. He likes Gai’s kids - even the grumpy one.
(Even if they are Iwa shinobi).
Outside, the sky is thick and overcast. Kakashi wraps a scarf around his neck, fighting the urge to cover his face. Sukea doesn’t wear a mask. Kakashi feels exposed without one, but it discourages people from associating him with Sukea. After all, in what universe would mask-obsessed Hatake Kakashi ever bare his face?
“Well, it could be worse,” he says, as cheerful as Sukea would be. He adjusts his bag across his shoulder, planning his next move. He’ll have to ditch the bag and his heavier layers before infiltrating the council office. The coat helps to obscure any details about him, but it’s too unwieldy for much else. Back to his apartment it is then.
There’s a staircase to his right, spiralling down the mountainside. Most of the village has been built far above the ground, carved into cliff-faces and towering atop spires of rock. Bridges hang between the buildings, suspended dozens if not hundreds of feet from the ground. Crossing them makes Kakashi’s stomach churn. He much prefers his feet planted firmly in the earth, amongst the trees and the roots. The shinobi here must be fearless in the face of such heights. He already knows Gai is - but Gai is the exception to most things.
Kakashi steps over to the handrail and freezes at the blur of green jogging across the lower balcony. Speak of the devil. Up the stairs two at a time comes Maito Gai, huffing and puffing at the climb. He is red-faced but grinning as usual, and he has his jumpsuit unzipped to his waist, revealing the mesh vest underneath. Underneath that is a physique so fine that Kakashi almost tips over the rail.
“One-six-six-four, one-six-six-five!” Gai counts as he reaches the top. He strikes a victorious pose, his Iwa headband glinting in a sunlight that shouldn’t exist. Kakashi’s seen Gai in various states of undress before, but his abs never fail to be a wondrous thing. They look particularly nice under the mesh and Kakashi feels his mouth dry.
A peculiar look passes across Gai’s face when he notices Kakashi. It’s almost… recognition. But it can’t be. Sukea can fool anyone, including Kakashi’s students. Plus, Gai’s terrible with faces. It should be impossible for him to recognise Kakashi’s face when he’s never even seen it.
“Hello there!” Gai calls, approaching in three long strides. His gaze focuses on Kakashi’s Iwa headband - and it seems to confuse him. It shouldn’t. As far as anyone knows, Sukea is an Iwa shinobi.
Gai reaches to touch Kakashi’s shoulder - a customary greeting - but stops just short of a reasonable distance, emotions spiralling all over his face. “Forgive me, my friend, have we met before?”
Kakashi would say nope. Sukea says, “I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure, no.”
“Is that so? You seem so familiar! Perhaps another thousand steps will jog my memory!”
“People say I have that kind of face,” Sukea replies. “Easy to mistake.”
“Perhaps that’s it!” Gai agrees, still smiling, still gorgeous. “You remind me of an old friend of mine. He lives very far away but I can’t help but think of him when I look at you!”
“He must be a good friend to stay in your thoughts,” Sukea says as Kakashi thinks, shit shit shit. “I hope my resemblance doesn’t disparage him in any way?”
Gai laughs. The sheer delight of it flips Kakashi’s stomach in weird ways. “Of course not! He’s worth a hundred men to his village, and to me, even more! He’s my greatest friend and rival and I’m glad to know him. It would take far more than a case of mistaken identity to dishonour him in any way.”
“Those are kind words,” Sukea says before Kakashi can high-tail it and run. “I’m flattered to be compared to such a man. I hope he would say the same things about you? Maito Gai isn’t a name to scoff at in these parts.” He smiles, the purple marks cutting through his eyes crinkling. His sharingan whirls unseen, tracking the steady pulse of Gai’s chakra. “There’s no need to look so surprised. We’re comrades, aren’t we?”
“I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage,” Gai says, straight-forward about it. “I understand that we are comrades but I’ve never had a memory for names! If I forget it again, take solace in the knowledge that I will scale our beloved mountainside a dozen times over and shout your name from the peak until I remember!”
Only Gai’s crazy enough to promise something like that and follow through. The whole point of the Sukea disguise is for Kakashi to draw less attention to himself, not more. Having his name shouted across the village is the last thing he needs.
“There's no need for that,” Sukea says pleasantly, tampering down on Kakashi’s temper. He tries to divert the conversation before it gets out of hand. “I'm Ikarashi Sukea, unless you move me. Now that we’re acquainted again, I wouldn’t want you to keep your student waiting on my account. She was taking her anger out on the ceiling when I left her.”
Gai beams with pride. “Tenten can achieve anything she sets her mind to! Her Will of Stone is strong. I’m sure the library can survive a few kunai.”
“And shuriken,” Sukea teases. “A few swords…”
“I’m sure if anything’s damaged, I can fix it,” Gai assures, but he glances towards the library, considering the possibility of Tenten tearing it down. It’s a real possibility. “Perhaps I should…”
Yes, Kakashi thinks, go.
“Until next time, then,” Sukea says, eyes half-moons of amusement. If this is his only chance to end the conversation, then he needs to take it. Gai already knows too much.
They part ways, thankfully, Gai waving goodbye as he jogs into the library. Sukea laughs, and waves, and waits until the coast is clear, and then he slumps with a full-body sigh back into Kakashi.
“Fuck’s sake.”
Kakashi shoves a hand through his hair, careful not to dislodge the wig. Time’s running out to catch the start of the council meeting. He body-flickers back to his temporary lodgings, easing straight through the traps. He shrugs off his coat and scarf, and strips himself of most of his weapons. A tantō is all he needs. He seals everything but his most basic attire into scrolls and pops a chakra pill for good measure. He doesn’t feel sluggish from using his sharingan yet, but if worse comes to worse, he’d rather be ready. And yet despite his commendable service in ANBU, espionage isn’t his field of expertise. Any assassin can sneak their way into a building, but Kakashi’s missions seldom required a stealthy exit. That comes with killing everything in sight, he supposes.
While he’s waiting for the chakra pill to kick in, he fusses with his contacts in the bathroom. They’re a pain. If he ever starts losing his eyesight, he’ll opt for glasses. At least that doesn’t involve sticking something to his eyeball everyday. He blinks until the contacts are back into place - until something strikes the back of his head. He headbutts the mirror, swearing, and whirls around with the tantō in hand. Pain blots his vision. The apartment is trapped - aggressively. No-one should be able to enter. He presses up to the wall, waiting for movement. There’s nothing. He risks touching his crown, wondering if he imagined the impact, and feels tender, throbbing skin. It’s sore. But he hadn’t heard a kunai approach and he doesn’t hear anything now.
Until something… meeps.
Kakashi whips around. There in the sink, small and brown and rolling about, is a tortoise.
“It’s okay, I’ve got this!” cries the tortoise, its little legs wiggling in the air. “I just need a second!”
Kakashi watches it struggle to right itself, dread sinking like a lead weight into his stomach.
“You’re one of Gai’s.”
“Yes! Yes, he sent me to - oh dear, oh no -”
He flips the tortoise over with the flat of his tantō. It has a tiny backpack attached to its shell, and inside is an even tinier note. It’s for you! the tortoise insists, and Kakashi unfolds it into a not-so-tiny square.
There’s a picture of a green, smiley-face with two distinct eye-markings and green, curly hair. It’s very clearly Sukea, even when Kakashi closes his eyes and pretends it doesn’t exist.
“That’s you, right?”
He burns the drawing to nothing. “How did you find me.”
“What do you mean? I’m a tortoise! I can find anyone.”
“I’ve masked my chakra. I look completely different,” Kakashi says, bracing himself on the edge of the sink. The tortoise looks up at him with big, shiny eyes. It's definitely one of Gai's. No other animal could match his sparkly demeanour. It's for this reason Kakashi knows that arguing with it is futile.
The tortoise tries to waddle out of the sink but only slips back down. “What does it matter what you look like? You're still you," it says, trying again. "Do you want me to take a message back to Gai?”
Kakashi rubs his head a little harder. Since the tortoise recognises him, he shuts his sharingan-eye to conserve chakra. The relief is as sudden as headbutting the mirror. He’s glad for it, too, although one glance at the tortoise quickly changes that.
Gai’s tortoise. Here, in his undercover apartment. While he’s in disguise.
"He’s not supposed to know I’m here,” Kakashi says.
Sure! chirps the tortoise. “I can tell him that, if you’d like?”
“No! Don’t tell him - no.”
"Oh. I don’t know if I can do that. I’ll have to ask.”
The tortoise almost manages to free itself this time. Kakashi resists the urge to flip it back over and considers his options. Gai will ask if his mission opposes Iwa in any way. On the few occasions Kakashi's slipped into the village and visited, it hasn't. But now he's stealing information and spying on meetings. He can't tell Gai that. Lying is an option, but Gai has a knack of seeing through that, too.
“Did he say you had to return immediately?”
“Nope! So if you have a really long message, I can wait.”
Well, that’s Gai’s mistake. Kakashi can take advantage of that - even to just buy time. Gai’s his friend and rival and other unspoken things, but Konoha comes first. Once Kakashi’s completed his mission, he can worry about dealing with Gai.
“I do have a really long message,” he lies (to the tortoise, so it’s fine), lifting it out of the sink and setting it by the tap. “It might take me a few days to put together. Can you stick around?"
It nods, chomping slowly on the air. As long as it doesn’t fly off, then he doesn’t care what it does. "Only if you feed me! Do you have any kale? I’m Nimaru, by the way. It’s really nice to meet you!”
“Likewise,” Kakashi drawls, pushing a hand through his hair. So much for that meeting. It doesn’t seem likely he’ll be able to infiltrate it now, not with Nimaru hanging around. Maybe that was Gai’s plan all along, but that’s probably giving him too much credit. Kakashi sighs.
“Blueberries are fine, too,” Nimaru back-tracks, wiggling in place. Her emotions are harder to read than his dogs’. She could be happy - or constipated. “And cauliflower, and lettuce, and -”
“I’ll find something,” Kakashi says, scooping her up. Sukea’s coat has two huge pockets, perfect for chatty terrapins. He drops her in. “Come on.”
Kakashi knows of the existence of the Low Market through Gai, who they hopefully won't bump into. Nimaru is under strict orders to warn him if her summoner approaches, and Kakashi hopes she's as committed as Gai when it comes to keeping promises. Avoiding anyone else in the narrow market lane would be child’s play but Gai is stubborn. Even without his tracking turtles, he’s proven capable of pinpointing Kakashi through multiple, intricate layers of disguise. How is another question, but Kakashi’s banking on dodging Gai long enough to never find out.
Kakashi’s never fed a tortoise before so he buys plenty. Naruto’s face would turn green at the sight of it all. Getting that kid to eat anything but ramen is a monumental task. Kakashi had to steal a page from Iruka’s book and hide vegetables inside other ingredients. He smiles at the memory but the thought of Naruto is a painful one. At least he’s safe somewhere with Jiraiya. He’ll be safer if Kakashi doesn’t know where.
Nimaru could probably find out. Kakashi drops another handful of blueberries into his coat pocket where she’s happily feasting away.
“You said you can find anyone?”
Her voice is small and full of food. Blueberries squelch in Kakashi’s pocket. Best not store any weapons in there. “Anyone’s Gai’s met, yeah! He’s not very good at tracking.”
Doubtful, but Kakashi accepts the assessment. He doesn’t need to draw attention to himself by arguing. Gai’s the only person so far that’s taken any notice of Sukea and Kakashi would like to keep it that way. He’d assumed the sharingan-illusion was foolproof. Either he’s giving Gai too much credit these days - or not enough.
“What’s your limit? Distance?”
“About five-hundred miles,” Nimaru chirps, as though this isn’t an incredible distance. “Until I’m older anyway! Can I have some more of that kale?”
Five-hundred miles covers most of the Land of Fire. Kakashi never would’ve guessed Gai’s grumpy little terrapins were capable of such a feat (or anything at all) but he’ll be damned. For that, she can have as much kale as she wants.
“Can you try and locate someone for me?”
For Naruto’s safety, he needs not to be found. But he’s not the only one of Kakashi’s students hidden away in the depths of the world. It’s unlikely Sasuke will be anywhere near a shinobi village right now, especially with the Kage on alert following his desertion. Even if just for his sharingan, the shinobi villages will be on the look-out for him. Kakashi can only hope Konoha finds him before anyone else.
“Sasuke?” Nimaru guesses, poking her head out of Kakashi’s pocket. “I can check, but we haven’t found him yet.”
“Yet?”
“Mhm,” she says, the grooves in her shell starting to glow. It’s not a soft glow, by any means, but a bright, neon yellow. Within seconds, she looks as though Naruto tipped an entire bucket of paint over her, and Kakashi feels the attention of the street shift towards them. “Gai’s been asking us to - hey!”
He shoves her back into his pocket, distracting the crowd with a smile. A shining turtle is even more obvious than a talking one. Figures. Even Gai’s turtles can’t be subtle. Luckily, the perk of Sukea’s mundanely average appearance is that the villagers soon lose interest, and he’s free to stroll a few blocks away before re-opening his pocket.
Nimaru’s head pops out, no longer glowing. “No, luck I’m sorry. He’s probably very far away.”
As expected. Kakashi is too much of a realist to hope, but he can’t deny the swell of disappointment as he coaxes Nimaru back into hiding. Finding a lead on Sasuke’s whereabouts isn’t in his mission parameters, but it would’ve been nice. He tries not to imagine how happy Naruto and Sakura would’ve been to have their wayward team member home.
Thoughts like that are only a distraction.
Another hour passes before Kakashi deems it safe enough to return to the library. Nimaru doesn’t squawk an alarm as he enters, so Gai must be long gone. Unfortunately, Tenten is still present, buried under even more scrolls than before. Kakashi counts twice as many scuff-marks on the ceiling now, and he smiles as Tenten notices, the tips of her ears glowing pink.
If Kakashi had his way, that would be the extent of their conversation, but Nimaru is adamant to ruin his day.
“Hey Tenten!” she cries, head popping free from the coat. Tenten’s attention whips back around, eyes wide. Nimaru’s are almost as wide and shining with glee. “It’s me! Hello! But it’s a secret, ‘kay? Is Gai coming back? You can’t tell him I’m here!”
Tenten nods and then shakes her head, jaw snapping up from the floor. That’s reassuring. “Wait, you’re that guy from earlier,” she says, focusing on Kakashi for the first time. She doesn’t scrutinise him for as long as she should, but Kakashi can cut her some slack. Having a tortoise in his pocket doesn’t present a particularly threatening image. “Did Gai-sensei put you up to this? I’m sorry if he’s gotten you involved in something crazy.”
“It’s all right,” Sukea says, fluttering his fingers. If he doesn’t keep his hands busy, he might wrangle Nimaru’s neck. “We all need a little crazy in our lives sometimes.”
“I don’t think Gai’s sensei’s just a little crazy,” Tenten says, but she smiles. “I’m Tenten, one of his students. Who’re you?”
“Ikarashi Sukea, until you move me. You must be quite talented, studying under a taijutsu master.”
“Guess so,” she says, the rest of her face brightening pink. She’s easier to embarrass than Sakura. “But I’m thinking of becoming an armourer.”
“Hence the seals,” Sukea says, nodding approvingly. He means it, too. Anyone can throw shuriken and master kunai, but few can create them. Tenten will be a great asset to her village. It’s a shame she isn’t Konohan. “I’m dabbling in fuinjutsu research myself.”
“I saw. Sensei was here earlier to help but - he doesn’t know much about fuinjutsu.” She shrugs. Knowing Gai, he tried his best and he tried it loudly, and poor Tenten’s probably relieved for the peace and quiet now. She casts her eyes over her desk and then up to the clock, mouth twisting. Apologetically, she adds, “I’ve got team training in a bit but maybe some other time you could...?”
Sukea’s smile hides Kakashi’s surprise. “I’m sure your sensei and I could discuss something. If you’re going to see him now, would you mind… as Nimaru said…?”
“Not say anything?” Tenten says, re-sealing her belongings. She slides the storage scroll into her jacket pocket and gathers up the library books to return. She’s a good student, Kakashi thinks, and she’s far too trusting as she adds, “Sure, it’s a secret, right?”
He waves her off, Nimaru chirping goodbye from his pocket. Once she’s gone, he glowers down at the cheerful little tortoise sticking out of his coat. “I never should’ve trusted you.”
Nimaru squawks. “What? No! It was only Tenten! You said you didn’t want Gai to know!”
“She’ll tell him.”
“No she won’t! I trust her.”
Kakashi uh-huhs. Seems like Nimaru’s forgotten he’s an enemy shinobi in an enemy village. That she likes him so much is sweet (or that Gai likes him so much, he supposes), but he’s here to acquire information and her sentiment isn’t enough to stop him. “And that’s good enough for me, is it?”
Nimaru shrinks into her shell at his tone. “Maybe?”
Kakashi sighs and shrugs off his coat. He hangs the coat over a chair, hoping to stall Nimaru at least a little while. Trusting Gai’s team isn’t a matter of want. They’re kids - and kids gossip. Gai may be stupid enough to let Kakashi wander around the village, but the rest of Iwa’s shinobi won’t be. One idle comment could bring the mission crashing down. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”
“What?” Nimaru cries from inside the coat, rustling around. “Where are you going?”
Not far, hopefully. “After Tenten. I can’t let her tell Gai.”
The rustling increases, as does the fear in Nimaru’s cry. “Wait! What’re you going to do?”
“I’m not going to hurt her,” Kakashi drawls, rolling his eyes. He folds the coat over itself, trapping Nimaru and her muffling cries inside. The sharingan is all he needs for Tenten to forget she’s met him at all.
A quick glance of red is all he needs.
Nimaru doesn’t talk to him for the rest of the day. Kakashi’s grateful for it. It’s hard enough to concentrate without her jabbering away in his ear. Memorising text with the sharingan is delicate work and he’s already over-used it today. Funnily enough, he hadn’t accounted for mooching around the market and up-keeping his disguise in such a busy area - or replacing Tenten’s memories. Despite popular belief, he’s limited in what he can do with the sharingan, and for how long. It’s taken years to build up the stamina for constant low-level use. Chronic fatigue isn’t a walk in the park by any means, but he prefers it to knocking himself flat every time he opens his eyes. Chakra exhaustion is a steep price to pay for a few scrolls and a tortoise, of all things.
As Kakashi predicts, the next day is wretched. He sleeps fitfully, waking confused and drenched in sweat. At some point during the night, he considers popping another soldier pill and damning himself to the side effects, but his waking thoughts are as feverish as his dreams and when he rolls into consciousness at some time in the morning, he can't be sure if he followed through. The chills are the worst. He shoves his hands under the pillow to warm them but then wakes up feeling trapped. A little voice squeaks at him whenever he manages to open his eyes, but it's hard to hear what it's saying. The dogs should know better than to ask him for anything when he's this far gone, and anyone else shouldn't be near enough to watch him sweat himself to death.
The chakra fever will pass in a day or so. At the halfway mark, Kakashi's brain attaches the little voice to the even littlier tortoise wailing into his hair.
“You’re awake!" Nimaru cries, ceasing her panic-eating. She spits out a tuft of white hair as she rolls over. Shiba used to have a habit like that. Kakashi squints at her, deciding she is rather dog-like afterall. "Are you okay? What should I do? You look so terrible!"
Kakashi peels himself from the bedspread. Unnamed things stick to him. His mouth is the Wind Desert and tastes like it too. The jug of water seems so far away. “I just need to sleep.”
“I thought you were dying! You need help!”
Kakashi may not completely recognise himself right now, but he recognises a bad idea when he hears one. “No. I’ll be killed on the spot.”
“Gai’ll help you.”
This conversation feels awfully familiar.
“He doesn’t need to know.”
“Oh he already knows!" Nimaru wails, head tossing dramatically. "That’s why he sent me!”
Uh-huh, Kakashi says into the rim of the glass. His mask is cool and wet now. He doesn't remember drinking anything, but the glass is empty. His chakra is empty, too. And his patience. He glares down at the wiggling green spot on his bed.
“Gai sent you to ruin my disguise."
“No! To keep an eye on you!” Nimaru cries. For a tortoise that doesn't want to talk to him, she's persistent. Wonder who she gets that from. "To protect you!”
Kakashi scoffs and falls back into bed. “Who asked him," he grumbles, slipping back into unconsciousness to ignore whatever else Nimaru has to say.
When he wakes up the next time, the green blob on his bed is now a person-sized blob at his bedside. Kakashi groans.
"Good day to you, too!" Gai booms, glorious and green and loud.
Kakashi turns to smother himself in his pillow. “...What are you doing here."
“I don’t know what you mean,” Gai chimes, flashing a grin. “I got your message, of course!” He lifts a scrap of paper from the bedside table - a message that Kakashi definitely didn't write or send - and clears his throat, beginning to read: “‘Dear Gai’...”
Kakashi tries to smother himself harder.
“‘Come quickly! I’ve been very sick all day and Nimaru says I need your help, but I won’t listen to her! She’s not allowed to tell you I’m here but I’ve realised that’s dumb and now I’m writing you this message. Please bring all sorts of medicine and also kale!’ And look,” Gai says, showing the note with a beaming smile. His eyes are sparkling with pride. “It’s even signed ‘Kakashi’!”
Kakashi peeks open an eye to squint at the note. Everything about it suggests a child's mastery of the written word, and when he glances at Nimaru, perched on Gai’s shoulder, he sees tell-tale ink splatters on her shell.
Something this backhand he expects from his dogs. He's begrudgingly impressed and will die mad about it. “I’ll leave you in the sink next time."
Nimaru starts to cry.
Gai laughs and consoles her with pats, and then he really must be part of Kakashi's fever dream because he pats Kakashi too. “So Cool and Hip with these quips! Are you feeling better?”
“I was, and then I saw you,” Kakashi drawls, a bit weirded out by the touch but a bit absolutely-gay about it too. He blames Sukea and Gai’s beautiful biceps. “I don't need your help."
Gai's eyes soften. His stupid, happy smile makes his bowl-cut look good. "But you have it anyway! I can never sit by while a friend is in need."
Kakashi shouldn’t be that high up Gai’s priority list, but he doesn’t argue. He pushes himself out of bed, head swimming and bones aching, but his chakra stirring under his skin. He’ll live another day, then. That might be all he has. "How long do I have 'till the coyotes come after me?"
A funny look passes across Gai’s face. Kakashi has to check that he’s wearing his mask.
"I haven’t told anyone you're here,” Gai says, and it sounds earnest in the way everything Gai says and does is earnest. “Yesterday, I bumped into an old classmate of mine, and today I am helping him while he's ill."
No self-respecting shinobi in Iwa would buy that. Kakashi rolls his eyes, wishing he hadn’t when the room spins. "Well, he's not feeling ill anymore so you can leave. Take your little spy with you."
Nimaru shrinks into her shell. “You don’t look better.”
“Better enough to turn you into a paperweight,” Kakashi grumbles, not wobbling across the room for his kit. He rummages around for a ration bar and a soldier pill. He thinks better of the pill. “I think you’ve overstayed your welcome.”
Gai is insufferable and strange and still smiling. He strokes Nimaru’s shell. “I think we have. Thank you very much for all your hard work, Nimaru. I’m sure Kakashi appreciates your efforts in keeping him safe! You may return home with my gratitude and rest!”
Nimaru wiggles indecisively, but she has her orders. “I - okay. Thanks for the blueberries, Kakashi.” She vanishes back to the summoning plane before Kakashi can muster a reply.
The conversation lulls. Kakashi stuffs the ration bar into his mouth. It tastes a little out of date but he’s eaten worse, and he crunches through it as noisily as possible.
Gai’s expression sobers. Good. “If I ask you about your mission, will I like the answer?”
Kakashi continues chewing, struggling to swallow. His throat feels like a desert dune and so does what he’s eating. “Probably not.”
Gai nods once. “Okay. You should really come back to bed, you’re not well.”
The bed does look particularly inviting with Gai sitting on it, but Kakashi has a mission and a killer headache. With a few more ration bars, he’ll manage the trek back to Fire. He can always nap in one of their outposts before finishing the journey home. “Why? So you can gut me?”
“Is that what you think of me?” Gai asks, and though it’s the stupidest question Kakashi’s ever heard, he does sound a little hurt.
Kakashi screws up the ration wrapper and resists the urge to lob it at him. “Of course not. How many times have I ended up in your apartment?”
Rather than brightening, Gai's face slacks with surprise. "I understand now! I’ve broken an unspoken rule! You’re angry because I’ve come to you this time. You thought you had the upper hand, I see it now!”
Kakashi sputters. “What? No, I’m not - no. There isn’t an unspoken anything. You and your turtle could’ve ruined my mission. How did you even recognise me?”
“It was just a hunch,” Gai says, cheerful now as he congratulates himself on discerning the truth - which he hasn’t done, no way. The fact that he can recognise Kakashi through Sukea’s disguise isn’t a point of contention, or pride, or about gaining the upper hand. “I knew it was you. You’re my Eternal Rival, my Man of Destiny! I have trained myself to recognise you anywhere.”
Kakashi's mouth opens - and closes. He refuses to believe that Gai recognised him on a hunch. “Well that’s very flattering of you but -” Then he notices the pink tips of Gai’s ears and every fibre in his body just huhs. “- but, uh. I’m sorry, you trained yourself to -?”
“I have most definitely overstayed my welcome!” Gai announces, springing to his feet. At least four different objects threaten to tip over around him, including Kakashi, who rocks back onto his heels as though struck with a physical blow. “I’m very glad you’re feeling better but I must return to my students now! I have left medicine and water and tea for you on the table, and I…”
The spiel continues until Gai all but combusts in embarrassment, and then he darts towards the exit. He is, in every sense of the word, fleeing, which Kakashi hasn't seen him do since they were teenagers. The last time was in Gai's apartment when Kakashi fell asleep in his shower, and Gai barged in, chakra-blazing, and then promptly whirled back out again as Kakashi picked himself up, quite naked but fine, thank you, and they never spoke of it again.
Kakashi is vividly reminded of that time now. Just like then, he watches Gai retreat. He can't chase Gai without his disguise, and he doesn't have the energy to rebuild a genjutsu of that level. He could call out but - Kakashi just shakes his head instead, glad for his mask.
He's no closer to understanding how Gai saw through his illusion, but at least he can suffer in peace. He scrounges for another ration bar and pours himself some water before flopping back into bed. Gai's advice be damned, he's tired and he'll need his energy to slip out of Iwa.
Kakashi dry-swallows some of the medicine that Gai left. He hopes Gai isn't stupid enough to send another tortoise to watch him, but he won't hold his breath. He probably won't follow through on his threat to turn it into a paperweight, and he'll also probably pretend that this strange encounter with Gai never happened, too, at least until the next time.
There's always a next time with Gai.
With any luck, it'll be in Gai's apartment again, only this time with significantly fewer clothes.