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Ronan had been in Adam’s apartment above St Agnes for 13 hours and 43, soon to be 44, minutes. He’d arrived early in the morning, just after Adam had dragged himself out of bed. Ronan clearly hadn't slept, and the heavy line of his shoulders as he sat on Adam’s bed made Adam’s heart ache. He didn’t expect Ronan to stay long, but as the time crawled on he stayed steady at Adam’s side, helping him with his homework or watching him quietly as Adam worked. It was a rare free day, and Adam basked in the warmth of Ronan’s presence.
It was at 10:24 pm that Ronan’s eyes first flicked closed. Those long dark eyelashes caught Adam’s attention as he drifted off, head against his shoulder.
“Ronan,” Adam said, softly.
His eyes opened. “Need something?” He said, his voice not unkind.
“Are you tired?”
Ronan glanced at the clock. “It’s not even 11 yet.”
“I know,” Adam brushed his thumb over Ronan’s cheek, considering him. “You just seem exhausted.”
Ronan sighed. He sat up straighter on Adam’s bed, looking away. “I guess I should get back,” he said.
Adam wasn’t even sure if he meant Monmouth or the Barns. “Why would you leave?”
“I can’t stay here,” Ronan admitted. “What if something happens?”
“I’ll be here.”
“No, what if I take something out,” Ronan tried again.
“I’ll be here,” Adam said again.
“No, if it—“ Ronan scrubbed his hands over his tired eyes. “I can’t hurt you, I’m not going to be selfish and stay here.”
Adam’s stomach turned. “Why would staying here ever be selfish?” He asked, simmering.
Ronan shook his head. “You know what I mean. This isn’t for you to deal with.”
“No, I don’t know what you mean.” Adam reached for Ronan’s hand but he moved away. “Ronan, I am never dealing with you.”
“You’re always dealing with someone,” Ronan said. “I’m not putting more on you.”
“You aren’t putting anything on me, I’ll do anything for you.”
“Don’t say that,” Ronan warned. “Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“But you’d conceal the truth.”
Some old and rancid part of Adam began to turn with anger. “Don’t assume what I’m thinking,” he said, struggling to keep his voice even. “Don’t think what I’m doing isn’t purely selfish.”
“Caring for anything is a burden to you, just look,” Ronan didn't even finish what he was saying.
“Look at what?” Adam asked.
“Look at the rest of our friends. You can do so much for them but they can’t do anything for you.”
“What does that have to do with you sleeping here, with me? You think I can’t handle anything?”
“No, Adam, I—“ Ronan made an exasperated sound. “No one can do anything for you. Not me, not Gansey, no one.”
“Gansey has nothing to do with this,” Adam said sharply.
“He has everything to do with this, if you would just let anybody—“
“Stop it,” Adam said, rising suddenly from his bed. “This is not about Gansey.”
Ronan stood too, face to face with Adam. He looked so tired.
“I won’t stay here with you. I won’t put you in danger just because you think you deserve it.”
Adam felt sick. “I don’t think that,” he said, all of the fight suddenly drained out of him. “I want to be here, for you. With you.”
He sank onto the bed, head in his hands. He’d spent all day practically ignoring Ronan, not even caring how tired he was. And now he wasn’t even going to stay with him for a peaceful night.
“Adam,” Ronan started. “I can’t put you in danger.”
“I trust you,” Adam said, barely above a whisper. “Through all of this, after everything. I trust you.”
Ronan grasped for his hands, pulling them gently from Adam’s face. He was knelt down, nearly level with Adam. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You aren’t going to,” Adam whispered.
Ronan dropped his head, lifting Adam’s hands to his lips. He pressed a kiss there, on the back of his rough hands, his eyes closed. Adam knelt his head forwards and breathed.
“Just stay with me,” he said into the empty air above Ronan. He used his grip on Ronan, guiding him up and onto the bed with him. “You can just sleep here. With me.”
Ronan kissed Adam, softly, barely there. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“I know,” Adam said, kissing him again. “Just lay with me.”
