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❝ It's all of the good that won't come out of us.
And how eventually our hands will just turn to dust
If we keep shaking them standing here on this frozen lake. ❞
Enough.
Enough was enough and Janus was sure none of them could take it any further.
He knew he'd been awake when he marched towards his door at almost four in the morning, the dark of the night hardly a villain against his memory of Thomas's apartment's furniture position.
There was no way he would have turned Janus down. Not in his state, anyway.
Deceit knocked on the door to Virgil's room and only heard a muffled, almost choked noise coming from it.
He ignored his heart sinking in his chest.
« It's me. I'm coming in. » he announced himself, not prepared but not surprised either by the scene laid before his eyes.
The room was a messier mess than usual, Virgil was contorted between his own blankets with the darkest shade of black under his eyes, starting to to expand in the shape of veins on his face, like tiny thunders had begun spreading across his cheeks.
It had been so dreadful ever since the choice in favour of the wedding had been made, seeing Thomas's mental health gradually decreasing every time the thought of the callback crossed his mind as well as the horrifying possibility of hurting his friends.
The dilemma replayed in his mind over and over again, unanswered questions rose and were shut down the moment they surfaced.
This is the right thing, he would think, I am being a good friend.
And yet it hurt so he would brush it off, increasing his dismay by the second.
Janus couldn't sit and watch any longer.
Not when they all were starting to break down. Not when … when that doleful sight of Virgil was displayed in front of him.
He swallowed the alarming feeling away and stepped closer until he was sitting on Virgil's bed, his hands folded in his lap.
One last furrowed glance to the rug on the ground before he finally spoke.
« I need your cooperation. »
« No- » Virgil's voice came out as a lament, strained and slurred.
« Please. » that was the first time in a long while that Janus had put his hand on his arm. « Do you believe I bare seeing you in these conditions? Seeing Thomas constantly fight with his subconscious with no resolution? » the need in his eyes prompted the other to listen.
Virgil fell quiet and Deceit saw his half lidded eyes barely able to stay open.
« If you want to hate me so much I'd prefer you do it in good shape rather than not being able to stand up. »
Virgil bit the inside of his mouth, partly because he kept himself from retorting something, partly because he had been wanting to cry for so long and it was getting too hard to keep it in, too impossible to fight down a urge he couldn't control.
« Listen. Next time I confront Thomas, don't show up. » Janus looked as the other's expression immediately changed.
Virgil surged up the best he could, eyes squinting and wary.
« What? »
« I need you to trust me, okay? » Janus put up his hands in front of his chest. « Just. Trust me. »
« Trust you? How. How do I not know- How can I be sure you're not going to twist their thoughts? How- »
« Thomas is destroying himself. » he shook his head in a slow motion. « You're one of the sides that should know this better than anyone else. We all see it, but we don't speak about it. We don't bring it up because changing the whole way of how you thought of your values is terrifying. »
« But the truth is we can't keep this self-destructive behaviour up until it disintegrates Thomas's health, both mental and physical. You don't take medicines only after a week of fighting with your high fever because you think you'd be able to bear feeling awful and now you're on the verge of going to the hospital. »
Virgil's stance got softer, more relaxed.
« The same way you shouldn't suppress your emotional pain until you break down and you're forced to take that metaphorical medicine for your mind, too. » Janus watched as his interlocutor finally nodded, Virgil knew deep in himself that everything with how Thomas was feeling was wrong.
Maybe … maybe he could allow letting Deceit …
« What I'm trying to get to is self-care is important as well and as much as it seems like the most obvious thing, we tend to brush it off for the sake of our reputation. Thomas doesn't understand it either and he needs to know he can't keep sacrificing his needs. »
« He's going to burn out. » Virgil's eyes were fixated on an unspecified spot, focused and filled with realization.
« Exactly. » Deceit nodded and Anxiety followed his reasoning.
« I … I don't know, I think I understand, but how are you going to tell him? I don't think he's going to listen with how strong his moral dilemmas are. »
« I talked to Logan. He's going to lend me a hand so I'm not alone in this and prove the integrity of my argument with stable facts. »
Janus stared into Virgil's eyes and still found uncertainty.
He turned his head away from him.
« I am going to twist their thoughts, Virgil, in one way or another this is going to affect their way of thinking eventually and I can't prevent it. It's not wrong, it's not evil or anything, it's a start. The entrance to the healing path. »
« It's not … it's not easy. »
« Oh, believe me, I know. » he let out a melancholy short laugh. « But this is the reason why I'm asking you to trust me. I know what I'm doing, Logan has my back too. If you don't trust me, trust him. I don't plan on ruining anything for you, okay? »
Virgil would have shot up if he weren't in the worst state he'd ever been, but his eyes still widened and his head turned to Janus in an instant.
Seeing that he got his attention, Deceit took the opportunity. « I don't want to step onto a podium and show that I'm better than everyone else here. I don't want to put any of you in a bad light. I just- I just want Thomas to be okay so that we can all stop tearing ourselves apart. And this is going to require me stepping in. »
Virgil's gaze fell down again and his bangs covered his eyes.
« I … Okay, I- »
« Virgil, one last thing. » Janus breathed in and focused on his glowing yellow gloves. « I don't want to change anything for you. I recognize you feel better with this new family you found and I don't want to take you from them. I don't want to prove I'm better in a “told you so” way so you can come back to us. » he took another breath and closed his eyes so the tears would stop forming. « I simply still care about you and it would shatter me more if things didn't work out with them either only because Thomas's mental state affected all of us. »
It was getting really hard to breathe for both of them.
Really hard.
Virgil wanted to respond, he wanted to let him know that he hated the fact that he was still mad at him but he couldn't prevent himself from feeling that way.
He wanted to say he still cared for him too but he hadn't yet realized and it still hurt too much.
« I just don't want you alone the way you are right now. » he murmured, then got up and paced towards the door.
He turned to give him one last glance and await his response.
Virgil was internally devastated and still didn't let others pierce through that.
« Okay. I'll be quiet, but you … please be patient with them. »
Janus nodded. « I will. I'll try to be as cautious as possible. » he turned and now the door was coming to a close.
« Take care of yourself, Virgil. »
There was a clicking sound and he was gone, with that old usual catchphrase he used to tell him.
Virgil fell back on his bed, unable to fight back the heavy breathing rising in his lungs.
One time. One time to trust the last person you'd trust on earth.
But this time he would let him.
This time, he'd let him save them all.