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The cough was to be expected. In fact, it was there from the very beginning it seemed. Since he first stepped into that house looking for Brian when he toppled over in a fit of hacks and coughs it always resurfaced at the worst of times. That was before the hooded figure came in, before he found out Tim was under that forlorn white mask that he found himself dreaming about most nights. The cough was just normal now. That’s what Jay Merrick told himself at least.
The past few months consisted of Jay and Tim motel hopping and snooping about with the minuscule clues that had been presented to them via totheark or from the remaining tapes that Jay was able to sift through and find usable footage in. While it wasn’t the most comfortable or even most cost effective living arrangement, the two made it work well enough. They even fell into a sort of routine along the way. Despite the slow progress Jay would actually say these were by far the most productive months of his ongoing investigation.
Tim being along for the ride made the weight of things easier to bear for Jay. Whether Tim knew it or not he provided vital social interaction for Jay, even if it was witty arguments or the occasional small talk over stale diner food. It made Jay feel human again, like he had something normal in his life for once. Despite the fact that they were on the run from some ancient eldritch horror and an old unhinged friend it was still okay for him to pretend. That being said he was never sure if the sentiment was returned from Tim. Jay was always one to try and start conversation. It may have been awkward but he always tried. Tim was polite enough, would respond as needed but no more no less. He was never very talkative but sometimes his silence was rather comforting. It felt like he always kept Jay at arm’s length though and while it was perfectly understandable for him to do it the thought still made Jay’s chest ache a little for some reason that he never quite understood.
Jay tried, he really did. He always tried to give a little more, be it food or gas money even. He wanted to make up for involving Tim again. It was his unorthodox method of penance in a sense to give back. Tim tried to stop him from time to time but Jay never took no for an answer which more often than not resulted in a shy thank you and a ghost of a smile that made Jay’s chest swell and ache. It was the little things he strived for. He just wanted to provide some semblance of stability for Tim while he could. That’s when he realized the coughing was getting worse..
It didn’t really concern Jay more than before until he started spitting up things when a coughing fit hit. This had never happened prior and at first he had assumed the worst case scenario would just be blood. It had happened to Tim before so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility for Jay. The first few days of this happening, his coughing fits started to sound wet rather than the usual raspy dry coughs the both of them were accustomed to. This would often prompt a concerned look from Tim who Jay would wave off casually with the same excuse of allergy season or some oncoming cold. It was a week in when a particularly nasty coughing fit occurred that Jay found himself stumbling to the bathroom and all but doubling over the sink as he sputtered and gagged on whatever it was that was trying to come out of his throat. When he finally managed to spit out the contents he was flabbergasted. In the porcelain sink sat three mangled and dampened flower petals. He stared at them, jaw hung open and eyes wide with fright. This wasn’t part of the sickness. At least it wasn’t something Tim told him about. Hell this wasn’t anything Jay ever heard about, period.
A frantic knock on the bathroom door pulled him from his intense stare at the dying petals in the sink.
“Jay? Jay are you alright?” Tim’s question was punctuated by another knock. Jay had to snap out of his stupor in order to respond, fighting the urge to cough again.
“I’m fine! I’m fine, sorry.” Jay hurriedly grabbed the petals and wrapped them in toilet paper before tossing them in the trash. He opened the door and was welcomed by the face of a very worried and rather pale Tim. Clearly he wasn’t buying that Jay was “fine”. Jay half smiled to try and give Tim some form of reassurance.
“I’m good. Sorry I think I caught a bug or something. Just had to spit that stuff out.” The explanation was lackluster but it was enough to get Tim to nod quietly in acceptance. The look on his face was enough to still make Jay’s chest ache with coughs that he forced himself to stifle in the form of clearing his throat. Reluctantly, Tim retreated back to his half of the motel room and sat back on his bed. He was still clearly uneasy but Jay did his best to brush it off as he walked out of the bathroom and all but flopped onto his own rickety bed.
The whole debacle left him more exhausted than he was before. Everything was going fine as it could be before he nearly spat a lung out. It was just the two of them conversing. Nothing but small talk really. But then they started talking about college and Jay started remembering snippets of the stupid things they used to do together. He’d start to remember laughing, remember what it was like to actually have a life before all this and what it was like to smile and relax with someone he could call a friend. Then Tim laughed too after recalling something about Brian and there was that smile again and god, Jay’s heart ached when he saw it. It was the most he’d ever seen Tim smile and his soft laughter was so rich that Jay had to join him in it. Of course it was short lived as he was choking up flower petals a few minutes later.
So here Jay was, laying on his back staring at the ceiling wondering how the hell he was going to rationalize coughing up literal plants to himself let alone Tim or anyone else. The air in the room felt tense as Tim was still clearly concerned despite trying to distract himself with throw away programs on the old television in the motel room. Jay could still feel him glance over every so often but opted not to say anything about it. They didn’t need to worry about more than they had on their plate and Jay already put Tim through enough. The last thing Jay needed to do was put even more weight on the already sagging shoulders of his friend.
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They moved motels two days later. Jay had planned to stay a little longer originally but Tim insisted on the move saying something about their safety especially if Jay was coughing more. Jay wasn’t going to argue with him and they were on the road again in less than an hour after checkout.
This had become an unfortunate new part of their routine. Settle into a new motel, Jay accidentally gets too comfortable with Tim and suddenly he’s choking on more petals and a few days later they’re moving again. It makes Jay feel horrible in so many ways. He doesn’t want to keep uprooting Tim over and over but he can’t stop himself from coughing so much. The flowers keep coming too. He’s barely able to keep them hidden now and they’re coming up in larger quantities. Vibrant purple petals that come up coated in spit and flecks of blood that leave Jay at a loss of breath and filled to the brim with anxiety because he doesn’t know how much longer he’s going to be able to gather them up and discard them.
The petals themselves are about two inches long each and no wider than Jay’s pinky nail but there’s just an abundance. Jay doesn’t even know what kind they are at first and he’s too freaked out to even attempt to look up what kind they could be. He musters up the courage a some time later to google different types of flowers and after a few hours of looking through different species he settles on chrysanthemums. Great, he thinks bitterly, I’m coughing up chrysanthemums and I don’t even fucking know why. That’s a google search for another day, it's one thing at a time at this point lest Jay lose his mind more so than he already has.
Tim hovers in the meantime. He hovers more than Jay has ever seen him do before. In fact this is the most Tim has ever directly been involved with Jay about something that isn’t the investigation. Maybe the coughing just makes him nervous about the operator’s lingering, Jay isn’t quite sure how else to justify it. But it brings comfort to him all the same. Comfort still gets laced with pain as every half smile or gentle pat on his shoulder from Tim results in Jay struggling to swallow chrysanthemum petals. He often reminds himself to try and keep his coughing under control. He can’t bear having Tim look at him like that. Like he cares about him. That’s not something Jay wants to even consider because Jay doesn’t deserve that kind of consideration from Tim. Not after everything they’ve been through. Tim barely started showing concern now anyways, what use was there to hope for more?
It was stupid really, to consider that now of all times. But Jay really felt strongly for his travelling partner. Maybe that’s why his chest would ache so badly for him. Tim was Jay’s rock in all of this. He kept him grounded, was a solid presence in his life. Tim was someone with his foot planted firmly in reality, someone who wasn’t afraid to speak the truth about what they were going through. Jay would go as far as to say he loved that about Tim. Maybe he loved Tim. But Tim didn’t love Jay. It wasn’t possible. Not like this. Maybe if they’d been normal college kids working on normal projects, maybe.
Jay ponders all of these thoughts while sitting on another ratty motel bed with his laptop sat warmly in his lap, scrolling through his editing software and clipping through what little footage he has right now. Tim is out of their little rented room getting supplies leaving Jay to work alone for now and he finds himself navigating out of his editing program and into google. He searches the broad term “coughing flowers” and that doesn’t yield the results Jay was hoping for so he tries again with “coughing up flower petals”. It's much more specific and gets the job done it seems because an article for “Hanahaki Disease” comes up in his search results. Jay arches a brow in skepticism before clicking it and skimming the article that was first presented.
Jay’s jaw practically dropped as he began to read the symptoms of what was supposed to be a fictional disease. It was word for word his own affliction. From the cough to the petals, it's what Jay had alright. Yes it was supposed to be an old legend but then again so was The Operator so what else could be real at this point? Jay shook his head and continued reading. The article went on to explain that the disease stemmed from unrequited love. The afflicted individual would cough up petals and then eventually full flowers until their lungs were consumed unless the love was returned or the flowers were hypothetically cut out by doctors.
The laptop was forcefully shut as Jay began coughing again into his hands, suddenly hyper aware of how the petals were fighting to be expelled from his chest. This had to be some long drawn out nightmare. There was no way that Jay Merrick’s stupid crush on Tim Wright was making literal plants grow in his lungs that were slowing going to suffocate him. Yet here he was, spitting up more and more chrysanthemum petals until his throat was hoarse and they were littered on the tacky bedspread.
“I’m so fucked…”Jay choked out to himself.
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Hiding things was never Jay’s forte. He was a bad liar and an even worse actor. Tim would often press why he’d run or hide when he had a coughing fit and it would nearly cause a fight every time because Tim always knew he was lying. The petals were becoming almost impossible to gather and Tim even stumbled across a few of them at one point but thankfully didn’t say anything about them then. That was until he finally caught Jay in the act of trying to dispose of them.
“So, you gonna tell me why you keep tossing up flowers or are you gonna keep lying to me?” Tim asked through gritted teeth one day as he leaned casually against the bathroom door frame having just come back from smoking a few cigarettes. Jay nearly jumped out of his skin, losing some of the petals in the process. The color drained from his face as the purple petals and a stem scattered across the cracked tile of the bathroom floor and he nearly started hyperventilating.
“I-I uh…” He started but Tim cut him off before he could form an excuse.
“I thought we were done with the secrets, Jay. How long have you been keeping this one, huh?” Tim started, glaring at Jay and not moving from his position as if to keep the other man cornered. “What, were you just gonna keep telling me it was allergies? Some bullshit excuse to keep pushing me away?” He pressed and Jay seemed to only shrink in on himself, clutching whatever petals were left in his hand to his chest.
“Tim, no… Look I can explai-” Jay tries but Tim doesn’t let him finish.
“Oh really? Really? Yeah, go ahead, Jay. Tell me why you couldn’t just fucking tell me you were literally throwing up flowers. Explain to me why you kept me in the dark on this one. Like you did about everything else. Go ahead. I’m sure it’ll be good. What’s one more lie to add to the list, right?”
Jay stares at Tim like a deer caught in the headlights. Tim is angry, he’s angry and hurt and now Jay’s chest aches again. He can feel the tickle in his throat that signals he’s about to start coughing so he looks away for a moment. He has to fight it but god it hurts so bad and Tim’s words are sharp. Tim has every right to be angry with him, Jay did keep yet another secret from him. That doesn’t make it hurt any less or make it any easier for Jay to really tell Tim why he’s going through this. What was he supposed to say? Sorry Tim, I know I brought you into this mess in the first place but I kinda fell in love with you and now because just about everything is against us I grew flowers in my lungs that won’t go away unless you love me back. If you don’t I’ll probably die. Sorry.
“I’m still waiting, Jay.” Tim grunted, snapping Jay from his thoughts and making him jump. His hands trembled as he clutched the wrinkled petals. So many thoughts ran through his head, so many things he could say but his mouth refused to work with him. As more seconds passed Tim grew more and more impatient and Jay wasn’t sure if he was going to pass out from the anxiety of it all. He swallowed thickly and looked at the floor before beginning in a very quiet and shaky voice.
“I… I was scared. I am scared. I’m so fuckin’ scared Tim.” Tim’s demeanor faltered when Jay finally croaked out something. “I’m scared because I don’t know how to explain this, it- it’s not supposed to be real. None of this is supposed to be real!” Jay’s voice cracked and his eyes burned with tears he fought to blink away, “It's why I didn’t tell you. I just… I…” He didn’t know what else to say, there wasn’t much more he could add without saying outright that he was in love with Tim.
When Jay finally looked up to meet his friend’s gaze he expected the more contempt but he was met with understanding and concern. Tim’s expression had considerably softened and the stiffness in his shoulders had relaxed. He let out a long sigh and beckoned for Jay to follow him into the living area of their newest motel room, plopping himself on one of the beds and patting the spot beside him when Jay peeked out from the behind the door frame.
Jay hesitantly sat beside Tim, still not making eye contact and opting to keep looking at the floor. He’d thrown the remaining petals away before coming out but being this close to Tim made him want to choke out more. Even though Jay wasn’t looking at him, he could feel Tim looking at him with pity and he hated it. He didn’t want pity from Tim, he didn’t deserve it after everything.
“Jay,” Jay flinched when Tim put a hand on his shoulder and began to speak, “It's okay… I know I’m not the uh, easiest to talk to about this kind of stuff. Sorry I went off on you.” Jay still didn’t look at him but visibly relaxed. Tim sighed and continued, “We’re in this together, okay? You don’t have to shut me out or whatever. Secrets are gonna get us killed. Right now all we have is each other.” He finished and waited for Jay to say something, do something .
After a few almost agonizing moments Jay let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and finally looked back at Tim. His eyes were watery but he was smiling just a little. “Sorry… I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I-I started coughing and I figured it was normal but then the petals and…” Jay paused to blink away more tears he was barely holding back. He wanted to bawl and break down. He wanted to tell Tim everything and just make it all go away but he was so damn scared. Tim only squeezed his shoulder, encouraging him to go on while trying to comfort him at the same time.
“They’re chrysanthemums.” Jay added after a moment, Tim only nodded but there was a moment where Jay could have swore he saw Tim’s eyes widen just a tad bit. Jay only pressed on though, “I don’t know why they’re chrysanthemums but they are. I tried figuring out whatever this was. It's not the operator, at least the flower part isn’t. Um. It's a sort of sickness or something to do with uh- love. I think. I looked it up one day.” He wasn’t sure how to continue any further without outright confessing. This was already teetering towards the edge dangerously.
“Love?” Tim scoffed a little bit, “You mean you’re coughing up flowers because you’re in love? That’s what you’ve come up with?” From the hurt look on Jay’s face Tim concludes that’s exactly what Jay had deduced from his mini investigation.
“Oh… Okay then, who is it? If you really think it's love then maybe you could talk to them about it. Not like you have a lot of options at this point.” Tim suggested in earnest after a moment of thought. Jay shook his head quickly and he seemed to shrink even more into himself. He wrapped his arms around his own thin waist and the look on his face damn near broke Tim’s heart.
“They don’t feel the same.” Jay said rather deadpan but he just looked so dejected. “If the person doesn’t feel the same then the flowers pretty much consume your lungs. So I’m as good as dead.” Tim’s sucks in a sharp breath. That couldn’t be right. That couldn’t be right at all.
“Shut up, Jay. There has to be a way around it.” Tim scratched the back of his neck nervously. Jay said nothing in response, only sighed in resignation. Now Tim began to inwardly panic. “Whatever you looked up is probably wrong anyways, I mean this is an old folktale right? That mean-” Jay holds up a hand meekly to stop Tim mid sentence/
“It doesn’t matter, Tim. Look… Thanks for listening, this isn’t your problem to deal with though. I’ll handle it. If it takes me, it’ll be fine. You’ll be fine too.” Jay looked defeated, absolutely forlorn. Tim had never seen him look like that before. Jay was always the more determined of the two of them, whether he'd admit it or not. Where Tim was more reserved, Jay was always willing to step into things head first. And now... Now all that fight was gone. Tim didn’t like that look on him, not one bit. It made It made Tim's stomach churn with anxiety to think of Jay giving up on himself so easily when they’d come so far. They couldn’t just give up now. Jay couldn’t just leave Tim now.
The thought hit Tim like a truck hitting a wall at full speed. And it hurt. Could those flowers really kill Jay? What if they did? Where would that leave Tim? Alone again most likely. Alone with no one but his nightmares and that thing to chase him. All of it made Tim’s mind race with panic. Suddenly he squeezes Jay’s shoulder harder and shakes him. Whether it's to snap Jay or himself out of whatever is running through his head, Tim isn’t sure but he does it anyways.
“Hey! You can’t just check out on me like that!” Tim wanted to sound angry but he probably sounded more scared than anything. Jay looked taken aback at first, trying to shrink away but that only drove Tim on more. He stood abruptly and began pacing the small room.
“That’s not fair, man! You can’t just… bring me back into this shit and then just… just... Leave me.“ This was selfish of Tim in a sense to react like this, but more selfish of Jay to hypothetically leave Tim with the burden of more loss. Tim ran a hand through his hair in stress. Without Jay he had nothing. Everyone he’d cared about was gone. Maybe he was hard on the guy at first and that was rightfully so but that didn’t mean he wanted Jay dead and gone. Especially not now. Jay only watched from his spot on the bed, quivering and unsure of what to do with himself.
“I’m sorry, Tim.” Jay’s voice was quiet, barely audible. “I-I didn’t mean for this to happen, it just did.and there’s really nothing I can-” Jay stops abruptly to cough, a few petals spilling forth from his lips against his will. Tim turns away, a hand clamped over his mouth to stop himself from nearly sobbing. He can’t do it. He can’t see Jay like this. It all hurts too much. He can hear Jay continue to cough and sputter behind him but he won’t look. Not until the coughing stops.
Only when there is a tense silence does Tim look back to Jay who has a lap full of chrysanthemum petals now. Jay is staring at them, eyes glazed over at first before tears pool at the corners and begin to spill over. His shoulders quake as he sobs quietly, tears falling onto his lap and onto the petals that rest there. Tim looks on and finds himself moving to sit on the bed opposite to the one Jay is sitting on. He doesn’t know how to fix this. Jay doesn’t either, that much can be seen.
“It's you... “ Tim feels himself gawking. That can’t be right. He had to have misheard Jay.
“What?”
“It's you, who else could it be?” Jay wiped his teary eyes, sniffling indignantly. He almost sounded bitter about it. Tim visibly flustered and shrank in on himself, feeling stupid for not considering it but he had his own reasons for doing so. It wasn’t every day someone fell in love with someone like him, let alone reciprocated his feelings for them. Yet here Jay was, literally killing himself from how much he loved Tim.
“From the start it was you… I thought it would go away because you can’t love me back, not after all the things I put you through. Then the coughing got worse-” Jay cuts himself off with a sob and buries his face into his hands, “I don’t wanna feel this way but I do! I want it to go away, I can’t breathe anymore Tim and I’m so tired!”
Jay’s chest heaved with sobs. Between the steadily growing garden in his chest and his long awaited breakdown he felt like his sternum would finally cave in. Tim’s silence only makes it worse. Silence meant rejection. Rejection meant more flowers. Even though Jay knew that would be the case it didn’t mean it would hurt any less. But there was just a flicker of hope, a tiny ember in the ashes that maybe, just maybe Tim would care.
There’s a rustle from the bed in front of Jay and he knows Tim is probably getting ready to leave because this is more than he signed up to handle. Jay curls further into himself at the thought of it. He’s going to be alone again with just his stupid camera and be forgot- His thoughts are interrupted by a pair of sturdy arms pulling him into a firm hug. His face is now flush against Tim’s warm chest and there’s a hand in his hair, stroking it in comfort while an arm wraps firmly around his waist.
“Jay Merrick,” Tim begins in a shaky but earnest voice, “You’re the biggest idiot I know.” Jay tries to stutter out something but Tim hushes him gently and lays them both on the bed, keeping Jay firmly in his arms and letting him cry it out. And cry it out he does. Whether it be in pain or relief or both, Jay doesn’t know but he cries, clinging to Tim like a lifeline. Tim just lets him, rubbing soothing circles on his back and holding him firmly to keep him grounded. He always kept Jay grounded. It was his specialty after all.
When Jay’s breathing finally evened out Tim pressed a light kiss to his almost feverish forehead. Jay made a shuddering noise in the back of his throat and Tim shushed him softly.
“You’re so stupid, Jay.” He said with utmost endearment.
“This whole time you thought I couldn’t love you… When I already do. I’m shit at showing it, I know, but I do. We’re both guilty parties here, Jay. I’m not a saint so you don’t have to treat me like one. But I love you. I really love you. We’re all we’ve got in the mess. Just you and me Jaybird.”
Tim smoothed back some of Jay’s hair as the man looked up at him with red rimmed eyes, wide with awe and disbelief. Jay breathes in deeply, for once not feeling the crackle in his lungs,
“You love me?”
“So much.”
“Oh my god… Oh my god you love me.”
“Can you say it back to me? Please?” Tim half smiles but Jay can tell he’s asking in honesty to hear it back from him. After waiting so long Jay opts for the next best thing. He reaches up with still trembling hands and gently cups Tim’s cheeks, stroking them with his thumbs. Tim blinks and he’s about to say something but Jay leans up and brushes his lips so carefully against Tim’s. It can barely be registered as a kiss but it absolutely is. Tim reciprocates eagerly, pulling Jay closer to him and kissing him chastely but firmly. Their lips move together slowly and deliberately. The angle is a little awkward but it couldn’t be more perfect for either of them right now.
Jay is the first to pull away, taking another deep breath as he stares lovingly at a slightly dazed Tim.
“I love you.” He says finally. Tim’s breath hitches and goes in for another kiss. This one is longer and not as chaste as the first. Their position changes now as well. Tim has Jay under him, carefully pinned under his weight as he kisses him deeply. Jay’s lanky arms are wrapped securely around Tim’s neck. The petals from earlier are now scattered about the bed, both on Jay’s thighs and beneath him as Tim keeps him pinned.
They kiss like this for a long while. Long, languid kisses that are deep and sensual that leave Jay mewling beneath Tim in ways that would leave him embarrassed if anyone else was to have heard him. Tim tastes like cigarettes and something unique to him but Jay can’t get enough of it. Every time Tim withdraws his tongue so they can breathe, Jay whines and is leaning up to mouth at Tim’s chin and trailing open kisses to his lips until they’re kissing sloppily again. They kiss and kiss like each caress of lips could be their last. And with whatever was chasing them, who knows, it could very well be.
It feels like ages pass when Tim finally pulls away far enough that Jay can’t recapture his lips this time. He stares down at Jay with a gentle expression that makes Jay blush more so than he already has.
“Y’know…” Tim starts, leaning down to peck Jay on the nose, in turn receiving a soft chuckle from under him, “I could get used to this. As long as you promise to quit yacking up flowers.”
Tim laughs as Jay lightly smacks him on the shoulder but is ultimately brought back down for a tight hug.
“I think I’m done worrying about that now.” Jay hums thoughtfully as he settles comfortably with Tim. He should probably clean up his petals from earlier but those can wait for now. What matters is Tim wrapped up in his lanky arms and the deep and clear breaths he’s able to take for the first time in weeks. Yeah, he could definitely get used to this too.