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Like a thick fog covering a field in the middle of the night, an anxiety unlike any other had invited itself into the air of Garreg Mach when Dimitri and the professor had set the final date for taking on Enbarr.
Everyone had understood that this would be the most important battle yet, but none of the Blue Lions had gone into very much detail about the possibilities of what the final battle would bring. What little had been said had been met with encouraging words and (possibly false) promises of safety from the professor, all wrapped up in a blanket of comfort. And yet, there was no denying that the air hadn't grown any lighter over the past few days. If anything, the more time marched on, the heavier it got. Soon enough, the halls had grown deathly silent, the only sounds being the quiet footsteps that passed through occasionally as each person made their way to and from their rooms.
Annette decides on the sixth day after the initial announcement that she cannot stave off the tension that looms over her by cleaning her room and reviewing battle tactics any longer, such a routine has only served to make her more anxious. She invites an equally anxious Mercedes to bake with her, something of a small reprieve from the horrors of war. The warmth of the kitchen and the smell of the pastries are sure to intercept any less than positive memories, if only for a little bit. There’s not much they can do given the shortage of ingredients, but it will have to be enough.
+++
Hearing the clock bells sends Annette barreling towards the kitchen, narrowly avoiding knocking Seteth over in the process. The mage had been lost in thought reading tomes Lysithea had lent to her five years ago, and with all the information there was to learn from those gently worn pages, Annette had forgotten that she was supposed to have met up with Mercedes five minutes before the clock had struck seven. She mentally apologizes to Mercedes and continues to scramble, thinking about fruit fillings and soft dough as she gets closer. A warm feeling blossoms in her chest, and she can't fight the smile that threatens to overtake her face. This will surely lighten the heavy burden of bad thoughts.
She reaches the end of the cafeteria, completely out of breath and bent over in exhaustion. Her mind is still racing trying to think of an apology, so it takes her a second to realize that Mercedes is right in front of her, and not already in the kitchen like she expects. She’s perched right by the doorway that overlooks the lake, and on her face sits one of the softest smiles Annette has seen in a long time, one that nearly outmatches the soft glow of the sunset it is framed by.
"Mercie?" she calls out tentatively, "what are you-"
Mercedes silently interrupts her by putting a single finger to her mouth, and motions for her to come closer with her other hand. Annette steps forward slowly and carefully, and for a moment she indulges herself as to what Mercedes could possibly be seeing. The scenarios range from a herd of deer, a rarity at Garreg Mach, to ghosts. Annette hopes it’s the former.
As she finally reaches the door the anticipation she had been harboring gives way as she gives a tentative peak outside. Her face breaks out into a grin at the sight, and she turns towards Mercedes.
“Do think it’s finally gonna happen?” she whispers excitedly, clutching the sides of the door.
Mercedes glances back over at her and gives a quiet giggle.
“Yes, Annie. I think something special is about to happen.”
+++
"You've been sitting here for an hour and you still haven't caught anything?"
The voice coming from behind him makes him jump and he turns to look at a slightly disheveled Felix, who by the looks of it was just returning from a difficult session at the training grounds. His confused gaze is drawn over to the empty bucket sitting beside Sylvain, who just shrugs and throws him an easy smile. He doesn’t bother to mention that he wasn’t ever planning to fish in the first place, that he just needed a spot to sit and think and the water reminded him of the small pond he often went to on his own estate as a temporary escape from home.
"Why hello to you too Felix," he responds in a mock sugary tone. "Would you care to join me? I'm awfully lonely sitting here all by myself," he adds, putting on an over exaggerated pout that makes Felix roll his eyes.
"Are you going to actually catch anything or am I going to be watching you do nothing?"
Sylvain puts a hand to his chest in mock offense. "Have some pity on me Felix, fishing isn't as easy as the professor makes it look. These fish have probably evolved to be at least 5% more smart in the time that we've been gone."
Felix actually smiles at that, catching Sylvain slightly off guard. "Or you could've devolved and became 5% more stupid."
Five years ago, Sylvain would have had a witty response to fire back at Felix, something that would most likely make him groan while Sylvain snickered. That was the normal routine for the two, even stretching as far back as to when they were children. But they haven’t had a conversation like this in a long time, because this is not five years ago, and Sylvain is not the same carefree boy anymore. Sylvain is now a man who has been burdened with thinking about current events, thinking about the seemingly endless stream of lives that have been torn apart as if they were nothing more than paper. He thinks about all the people he cares so much about, and how none of them have ever seemed to truly recover after each death despite the strong exterior that is ever present amongst them. Everyone has taken to filing the memories away as an after thought as they prepare for the next mission, something to return to at a later date to process fully. This practice was the very reason he had made his way down to the dock in the first place, to process and attempt to understand the recent death of Rodrigue. The man was a reliable ally and vital to many of their successes. But more importantly, he was the father to the man standing in front of him, the last remaining family member to a family already ravaged by death. He isn’t sure where Felix was in the grieving process yet, but he is sure it will be extremely difficult for him for the next few weeks, months, perhaps even years.
And yet despite having lost so much in so little time, despite having to cope with the never ending wave of emotions in the middle of a war, Sylvain finds that he’s grateful that Felix hasn’t become completely jaded, even when it seemed like he was hanging by a thread more often than not. He can still spare moments like these to indulge Sylvain in silly conversations, to make him feel better before such a crucial fight. Sylvain can only hope that he does the same for him.
He wonders just when he started feeling so deeply about Felix.
"Really? You don't have anything to say to that?" Felix asks, cocking his head in confusion. It suddenly occurs to Sylvain that he's been staring at Felix for way longer than it should be appropriate to stare at friends (just friends). His mind feels hazy, but there is one thought that nags and tugs at him like a child demanding attention.
Make him smile. Make him feel the same way you do.
Make this a happy memory before you run out of time.
"I have a million things I could say, and all of them are just too good for you to hear," he finally responds, winking at him for good measure. Felix rolls his eyes, but his smile returns. Sylvain feels his heart soar.
"Well if you're not planning on catching anything, I'll just go," Felix says, beginning to turn around.
Before his brain can catch up to the rest of his body, Sylvain's arm is shooting out and catching Felix's sleeve. He opens his mouth and closes it again, struggling to find a good excuse without all of his thoughts coming out like an avalanche.
"Stay here, just for a bit. Let's talk.”
+++
There's a slight wind that blows the grass gently forward. The sun has continued it's slow descent below the horizon, leaving the sky with pinks and oranges that make the atmosphere feel warm, comforting even. Tiny waves from the lake rhythmically lap the sides, a lullaby only nature can produce.
Sylvain finds himself getting lost in the serenity of it all, despite telling Felix that they were going to talk.
When was the last time either of them had genuinely enjoyed a sunset?
"You know, sometimes I wonder if this will be the last time I can enjoy a view like this.”
He doesn’t really mean to voice his thoughts out loud, but with Felix being such a comforting and trusted presence, he can’t help himself.
Felix glances over, then faces forward again. "It won't be. I'll make sure of it."
Sylvain swallows.
Make this a happy memory.
"Felix, do you remember when we were kids, and Glenn convinced Dimitri that wyverns were made up? And then he found out that Glenn was lying and got upset?"
A ghost of a smile graces Felix's lips. "I do remember that." He turns toward Sylvain, his eyebrows suddenly etched in confusion. "What brought that on all of a sudden?"
If Sylvain stares hard enough, he can see the shimmer of curiosity in Felix's brown eyes. It's truly a sight to behold after many years of hardened steel occupying its place. "I'm not sure, something about sunsets makes me feel nostalgic."
It's not a complete lie, but it's not the full truth. There's a small part of Sylvain that senses Felix understands this, but thankfully he says nothing else about it.
"I also remember when you insisted on climbing the tallest tree on our estate, then got stuck," Felix suddenly says. "I'm still not sure what you were trying to prove."
Sylvain laughs. "I'm not sure either, to be honest."
Felix lets out a small snicker of his own at his admission. Something warm burrows its way into Sylvain’s chest, something that he can’t put a name to, but is not exactly opposed to having. Was he always this happy when Felix was happy? There was probably a reason Sylvain felt as if he was floating when Felix smiled, but it was too early to come to a concrete reason. That’s what he tells himself, anyway.
"If you're gonna bring that up, then I'll just have to bring up the time you fell onto your ass getting off of your horse," Sylvain says, earning a groan from Felix.
"Can we go back to bullying Dimitri?" he asks, and if there's a pout to his voice, Sylvain certainly doesn't mention it.
"Ah c'mon, the guy's not even here to defend himself. Let's at least give him a chance."
Felix lets out a snort at that. "He can take down a whole army, a little banter isn't going to kill him."
There's a slight pause at that statement, and Felix’s eyes avert themselves. Sylvain completely understands Felix did not mean to bring up fighting, and subsequently, unwanted memories. But he also can't help the slight ache in his gut, a pang of something that he pushes back down quickly in fear of dredging up a sea of uncertainties. Neither of them can forget what’s to come, it will always reside in the back of their minds. But Sylvain has already decided that he was not going to be upset, not at this moment at least. The ghosts of his regrets can haunt him any other day, but right now is something special.
"Hey, Felix?" he eventually asks, keeping his tone gentle.
"Yes?"
"What do you see yourself doing? After this is all over?"
Felix seems to contemplate the question. The wind picks up a bit, and Sylvain can see his hair gently brush against the sides of his face. He thinks that if Ignatz were still here, this is the type of scene he'd spend a long time going on about, about the beauty and the colors and other things Sylvain isn’t too familiar with but would still listen to anyway. He conveniently fails to consider that he might be projecting his own thoughts about how Felix looks in there as well.
"I'll most likely stay back and become the next Duke," he responds, bringing Sylvain out of his thoughts. There's something in his voice that Sylvain can't quite exactly pinpoint, but he recognizes the subtle shift in emotion that lingers between them and decides to take a shot.
"I get the feeling you don't like that idea."
Felix doesn’t say anything to that, and he doesn’t need to. Sylvain is familiar with how Felix feels about the system they've grown up in. This is the same system that killed his brother and broke him of his carefree innocence, the same system that caused a rift rivaling the size of Zanado between him and his late father, that caused Dimitri, Dedue, and Ingrid so much grief at such young ages. He's not at all surprised when Felix nods solemnly. He is disappointed when he sees the frown has returned. He cannot allow the previous feeling of happiness to be soured now, not when he is so close to having such a memory to look back fondly upon in the worst of times.
"So then don’t do it."
He doesn't mean for it to come out suddenly, it just does.
Felix blinks once, then twice.
“I… what?”
Sylvain tries and fails miserably at formulating a coherent sentence after his sudden statement, leaving Felix more confused than he was previously. The concept of just… leaving in what would be seen as abandoning the king is completely foreign to the both of them, it’s foreign to every ideal Faergus has ever upheld for the past thousand years. And yet, there’s a small feeling that resides in Sylvain, something that tells him that this system will change slowly but surely, that Dimitri will do away with all the nonsensical ideals that have made all of Fodlan so oppressive and cold, provided they win the war. The odds are looking good despite the hurdles they’ve had to overcome, so Sylvain doesn’t think it so bad to at least indulge in a happy future, however far fetched it may be.
“What I mean is,” Sylvain tries again, “Why not just do what you want and not worry about the way things have to be? As far as I know, part of Dimitri’s plan to unify Fodlan is to make sure we all have the chance to change our futures in the way we want to, right?”
There’s a brief pause as Felix considers Sylvain’s words, and he slowly turns to looks at him, the look in his eyes silently urging him to go on.
Sylvain smiles gently. “So I don’t think it’s a crime to do what you want to, instead of what’s expected.”
The silence that stretches between them is only a few minutes long, but it feels more like hours. Only a sliver of the sun remains, and even in the low light, Sylvain can see the gears turning in Felix’s brain.
“I… I was thinking about being a mercenary,” is what eventually comes out of Felix’s mouth.
Sylvain feels his heart ache at the declaration. He should be happy for him, he knows. But he understands very well that the words “mercenary” and “alone” are brothers in arms in Felix’s case. A feeling of melancholy curls around him like a snake. Felix is not obligated to share his future with him, he reminds himself. He hopes he’s at least considering it, though.
“Now there’s an idea! It’s perfect for you,” are the words that are forced out of his mouth. He’s about to ask him more questions before he’s suddenly cut off by Felix’s small huff of frustration.
“But I don’t think I can do that either,” Felix says, looking down at the splintered dock, his frown deepening just a hair.
Sylvain is left utterly confused. “But why? If anyone fits the job, it’s you.”
Sylvain refuses to be selfish. He refuses to discourage Felix from his dreams just because he can’t be a part of them. There’s a saying he learned from the King when he was younger; it’s something that has stuck with him for his entire life. The saying barges it’s way front and center in his thoughts, forcing him to come to a realization he should have understood from the first time Felix had smiled at him in this conversation.
When you love something, you let it go.
Ah, so that was what that feeling was.
It’s not as intense as Sylvain had read about in various novels, but it didn’t make him feel airy and soft either. This feeling felt more like when he had discovered his favorite food for the first time. New and exhilarating, and yet also bittersweet knowing that the meal would have to be over eventually.
“I used to think that I would be completely fine if I was alone,” Felix speaks up, making Sylvain put a brief hold on his own thoughts. “In a way, I still would be. But,” he pauses to gather his thoughts, “I’ve been thinking… about some things.”
The air around them fills with anticipation in an instant. Sylvain has his full attention on him now.
“I could visit so many places and do so many things, but I realized that sending you letters about everything would end up being a pain in the ass, and it wouldn’t be the same as experiencing it yourself.”
The realization doesn’t register, at least not at first. Sylvain finds himself combing through every word as if trying to solve a puzzle, looking for any and all hidden meaning in his words. The good thing about knowing Felix for his entire life is that everything he doesn’t say ends up translating to a whole lot more. The feeling of figuring out exactly what Felix actually wants to tell him is akin to winning a game of chess against a difficult opponent. He can’t help the grin that splits his face as he turns towards him in excitement.
“Felix! Felix, are you saying that you want me to go with you?”
Felix scoffs and looks away, only making him feel giddier, if that was even possible. “That’s assuming you don’t take up your position as the future Margrave.”
Sylvain hums, smile still intact. “Well aside from fixing relations with Sreng, I can’t think of anything I would want to do less. Besides,” he says, casting a brief glance downwards before looking back up. “Spending every day with you getting to know the world better is probably the best suggestion I’ve heard in a while.”
Felix, who now casts his gaze directly toward the horizon, a small smile working it’s way back onto his face, turns to look fully at Sylvain. Even in the low lighting, the gentleness present in his eyes engulfs any negative feelings that were present moments prior.
“Every day, huh? Sure you won’t get tired of me?”
Many things influence how brave Sylvain is. The warmth of the atmosphere, the feeling of being together with someone so cherished, the high that comes with being told the best news in he’s had in years are just a few that encourage him to lean in just a little bit closer, just enough to properly convey exactly how he feels.
“How could I get tired of you when you’re the most important person in my life?”
He can hear Felix’s breath hitch, and his eyes widen just a hair. For an earth shattering second, he’s afraid that maybe he’s been a bit too brave. Felix isn’t the best with subtlety, but he’s not dense by any means. He knows there’s another layer to Sylvain’s words to be explored.
Felix looks away for a brief second, but when he looks back, it’s with a smile gentle enough to make Sylvain’s heart race all over again.
It’s his favorite smile he’s seen the entire time.
“Flattery won’t get you anywhere, you know,” he tells him, slipping a hand into Sylvain’s own. The gesture is subtle yet powerful, and it’s just enough to convey the only thing Sylvain has been aching to hear.
Sylvain only smiles back and gently squeezes Felix’s hand. Yet again he leans closer into Felix’s space, taking full advantage of his newfound bravery. The soft breeze that’s blowing has a hint of lavender to it. It’s intoxicating, the way Felix is looking at him like he’s the only person in the whole world. It’s a high no other chemical could come close to reproducing. It’s something he wants to chase every day of his life.
“I can think of a few things that would though,” he nearly whispers, leaning in even closer, stopping just shy the other’s ear. “But first thing’s first…”
He leans away from Felix and tilts his head back towards Garreg Mach and takes a deep breath. “If the ladies are done enjoying the show, I’d like to move this along!” he yells as loud as he can.
Felix stares at him blankly.
“What.”
+++
Backing away from the entrance, Annette and Mercedes burst into giggles.
“We’re sorry!” Mercedes calls back out, not sounding sorry at all. She then turns toward Annette. “C’mon Annie, let’s leave them alone. I’m sure Felix is already planning on not talking to us tomorrow.”
Annette beams and follows Mercedes into the kitchen. She spares one last glance at Felix, who has now stood up and is storming away. Sylvain quickly gets up too, and is laughing as he catches up to Felix.
Mercedes was right, she thinks. This was something special.