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The air was stagnant in the nursery or at least it felt that way to her. Heavy like an oppressive blanket covering her during a heat wave. She knew it was more her own anxieties than the actual fault of the air itself but still she did not like the way the air felt in this room. The room itself was made up of deep blues and golds with Alderaanian inspired artwork covering the walls. Just the other day she had been proud of the space she had created with the help of Han and Luke. Now though everything felt fragile, like it would break into pieces at the slightest breath.
A cooing sound disrupted her thoughts and she quickly turned to the noise. Her bare feet padding softly along the stone floor. Snuggled within a blanket in his bassinet lay her son. He wasn’t a planned child but she felt honored to be his mother all the same. His presence in the force was a steady presence of light. That’s what he was, her little light, her Ben.
Motherhood was not something she had ever seen in her future but here she was on an uncharted new frontier. How she desperately wished she could talk to her mother, Breha, for advice on how to care for a young child. Oh, she had read the books, scanned the HoloNet, and had tried to think back on her own childhood. Still she had fears of thoroughly screwing up. Hence why she was awake in the wee hours of the morning standing in her son’s nursery.
The air of the nursery shifted slightly, and she felt the hair on her arms rise. She knew who had appeared behind her without looking. She wanted to refuse his presence. To curse him, to rage, and scream at him for all he had taken but that would disturb her son and awoken her husband. Instead she turned towards him slightly just enough so she could see him. He was young that is what struck her first was that despite what her brother had said she hadn’t realized how young he was. He had been roughly her age when he fell, and he had spent the following years creating a hellish landscape.
“Leave.” Her voice was soft but firm. He looked down for a moment before his eyes raised to meet hers.
“No. Not yet.” The second thing she noticed was that his was smooth and so unlike the deep timber it had once been. Now it felt almost brittle like it would break at the smallest of hits. Oh, how she would like to see him break.
“What more could you possibly want? Luke may be willing to speak with you, but I am not.” She was proud that her voice remained steady and her words were in coherent thought. She placed herself directly between him and the bassinet holding her son.
“You have made your wishes known and I have respected them. However, I felt your worry and fear and thought perhaps I may be able to help in some way.” She watched his hand go to rub the back of his neck in what she assumed was a nervous gesture. She could not help but wonder if it was planned to try and assuage her distrust. It would not work. She believed her brother when he said that Vader had went to light side before he died. That did not stop her from reminding Luke that Vader had spent more years serving the darkness than he had the light.
“I don’t recall being a father as one of your talents.” Her words were barbed and filled with poison. She was not like her brother. She did not need a father. She had one already and he had been taken by the man in front of her. She watched his face contort into a grimace. There was a small part of her that felt vindicated at that. She willed that part of her away.
“That is true. My actions have no apology big enough to attach to them. I simply felt my daughter’s worry and thought I may be able to help.” She wasn’t stubborn enough to acknowledge that there was both remorse and resignation in his voice.
“What could you possibly say that would help me?”
“You will be a good mother. You will make mistakes, as we all do, but you will be a good mother. You are stubborn enough to rise to any challenge he may give you. I sense his future will be riddled with obstacles, but your advice and your love will guide him even as he grows to make his own choices.” His voice trailed off and for a moment she felt a lump in her throat. She too had sensed her son would have a troubled life, but she had hoped it was just the worries of a new mother. She wondered where Vader’s newfound wisdom came from. Perhaps being dead had done him some good or perhaps he was simply saying what he thought she would want to hear. Either way Leia wanted none of it. He could jettison himself into space for all she cared.
“I will definitely be a better parent than you ever were.” Her words were barbed and dripped with poison. Behind her Ben began to fuss sensing his mother’s emotions.
“That’s true. Being dead helps one achieve clarity. Your brother also helps.” She fights not to roll her eyes at the mention of Luke. Her kindhearted brother always more willing to forgive the unforgivable.
“Go bother him then. My son and I will be great if you never show your face around here again.” She watched his face crumple a bit as if some part of him had hoped for a different reaction. She sensed he was not surprised at her words though.
“Your son is beautiful, and your parents would be proud.” He was already starting to fade….the blue light surrounding him growing dim.
“I’ll never know.” Her mouth tasted of ash as the words stuttered from her throat. She stared at where he had been for a long moment. Before turning back to her son who was now crying fully.
“Shhh my little light. Mama’s here.”
She picked him up gently. A part of her still so afraid to break him. He calmed as she calmed. Her focus on him created a soothing sort of rhythm. She felt him drift off into sleep once again and she laid him softly back into his bassinet.
She felt her energy drain from her as the effects of a long day and night finally caught up with her. She walked over to the couch that was beside the bassinet and curled up on its soft cushions. Her mind wanted to analyze every detail of the interaction that had just occurred, but her exhaustion was winning. She would make sure that tomorrow she would comm Luke and tell him to keep Vader on a better leash. Until then she would have to be content with knowing that her son was safe from the truth of his family. He was safe in the light and she prayed that her little light would never know the dark.